Looking for Work.
The sun sneaks through the cracks in the curtain and rouses you from the sleep you were so nicely enjoying. Stupid sun, always ruining your fun. You were enjoying that dream too. At least you think so. You roll out of bed and start your morning routine. As you shuffle your way to the kitchen, you notice that Anon and Rainbow are still passed out on the couch. Looks like they kept going a few hours after you turned in. You examine the myriad of bottles around their bodies. Looks like the went through the last of your booze too. Inside the kitchen you begin the task of finding any food from Earth that didn't go bad in the night you didn't have power. Considering the food you normally kept, you had options. You settle on some cereal as you try to plan your day. Brain.exe cannot run, would you like to reboot? Y/N.
[N].
You were never any good in the morning.
Shower comes after breakfast in the morning so you strip down and step in. Twilight did a great job with whatever magic she had going to keep your plumbing working. This water was the perfect temperature. The warm shower gets your blood pumping, allowing you to think more than a minute ahead. First order of business was finding work, fifty bits wasn't going to tide you over long. Especially if drinking with Rainbow Dash was going to be a regular thing. You step out of the shower and find quite possibly the only plain shirt you own. You glance at the clock; 9:30. Assuming that Equestria has 24 hour days, the business day has already started. Better get crackin'.
You step out your door and make way for town. Town was quite a distance away, about 3/4's of a mile if your admittedly shit internal GPS is right. As you step in to town, you notice that there aren't as many ponies staring at you. A few here and there, but the majority of the town seem to just be ignoring you. You figure that they either stopped caring, or assumed that the two weird ape creatures would be coming through more often. Either way it was nice to not be gawked at. You find a town hall-ish looking building and look for a communal sign or something similar. Help wanted signs were always posted next to town hall, right?
Wrong, not a single help wanted sign near town hall.
"Oh fuck me."
Okay, plan B. Hit the streets.
As you wonder around town, you see several potential places you could work. You start going through a mental checklist to figure out the best. You don't know much about cooking something that is more in depth than "boil the water", so Sugarcube Corner is out. You see an orchard or something over the hills that would be sure to need more farmhands, but one look at your spindly arms tells you that you probably wouldn't hit that out of the park. You have also zero interest in either quills or sofas. What in the hell did those even have to do with each other? You look at the clock and see that it is already past 10. Fuck, you were running short on both time and options.
In the middle of your episode, you heard a pair of familiar voices. You glance down the road and see Fluttershy and Rarity approaching. Rarity seemed to see you too.
"Why hello there Mous, how lovely to see you." She said.
"H-hello Mous." muttered Fluttershy.
Was this how she normally talks? Girl needs to speak up.
"Hey girls."
No time for friends, busy getting mad at lack of work.
"What are you doing in town today Mous?" Rarity asked again.
It would be easy to ignore them, but now wasn't the time to alienate people. You give them both a glance, they demanding more of your attention now.
"Looking for work. Anon and I are going to need a steady income if we're gonna stay here."
You look them over, their coats look shinier and both their manes look like they'd been gone over recently.
"What are you two doing here?"
Fluttershy gave you a smile. Daaaaaw-no. Still annoyed at the lack of work. No time for cute.
"Oh we just got back from our spa treatment, we go every week to relax." She said.
These ponies had a spa? Wait. Spa. Spa's have masseurs. You remember that of the eight people who allowed you to touch them back on Earth, at least five commented on how good of a backrub you gave. Considering that only one was related to you, that's a 50% chance you give a good backrub. Hell, that's 50% more ability than you had in anything else. You turn your attention back to your friends.
"Where is the spa?" you ask.
Rarity looks over her shoulder.
"Down that road and left at the first corner, you can't miss it."
She turns back to you but you're already gone.
"Thanks girls." you call back behind you.
The spa looked simple enough on the outside. A few plants, glass door. All the better to relax someone. You step inside. It smells like incense in here, it would be relaxing at another time. The front desk is empty save for a bell. You drop a hand on it to call for someone. From the back walk two earth ponies, one with a blue coat and pink mane and the other with a blue mane and pink coat. Twins than.
"Hello? Can we help you?"
What kind of accent was that It sounded Slavic. You remember that Slavic kid from school, by the Force, he was a douche. Getting distracted, back on task mister.
Okay you have to be nice, use your words and remember to-
"I'd like to be a masseur here." You say.
Fucking. Shit.
The pink one giggles. She and her sister walk up to the counter.
"You want to work here? Perhaps we should start with your name."
Fair enough.
"I'm Mous."
"Hello Mous, I am Aloe and this is Lotus." she says with a grin.
Aloe: Pink. Lotus: Blue. Remember that now.
Now Lotus speaks up.
"So, what makes you think you can work here?"
Not letting you fuck this up this time brain, gotta think this through...Shit. Saying you give good backrubs is a garbage reason. Thinkthinkthinkthink. Wait. You're an alien. You have digits.
"These."
You hold up your hands.
"Yes, you have hands. So?" She asks.
Lotus was clearly not one to be easily impressed.
"Just that. I have hands that end in fingers. Fingers that can spread out pressure much differently than hooves."
She steps out from behind the counter towards you. "And different is good?"
Think fast.
"Different is great. Especially for all the different kinds of pain one comes to a spa to get rid of."
Lotus narrows her eyes and stares at you. After a moment, she turns around.
"Massage my neck." She says.
wat.
"Excuse me?"
She looks back at you with those same narrow eyes. "This is your entrance exam, impress me and you may have the job."
You quickly glance at Aloe behind the counter. She looks like she's trying not to laugh as she motions for you to go on. Fuck. Okay. You can do this. You place your hands just below her ears and start rubbing. You try to feel for any obvious knots as you move down. If you're doing a good job, Lotus wasn't showing it. She stood as still as stone as you worked your way down to the base of her neck. After a few minutes she motions for you to stop and walks back to her sister. She turns with her eyes still close. You can see her eyes darting back and forth under her eyelids. Fuck you were so screwed. You were going to have to go learn how to cook or somt-
"You pass."
Wait what? Your face must have betrayed you.
"You were right, your hands can spread pressure to all the right areas. A little practice and we'll make you a proper masseur." she says. You even get a smile out of her with that.
Oh hell yes. You grow a big grin and pump your fist. First big hurdle was jumped, now you just need to-
"Head back and wash up, it's almost noon." It was Lotus again.
"I start now?" You ask mid fist thrust.
Lotus looked as pokerfaced as she did before.
"Yes. Here in Ponyville, we get an influx of customers round lunch, ponies doing a lunch and spa date, probably." She says.
Right. Okay. Time to work. You start to walk back and Aloe motions for you to follow her. She takes you to a small room with a massage bed in the center. Various oils and lotions were on the wall. You turn your attention to her as she speaks.
"Your job won't be all massages, we each do a bit of everything here. But we'll start you off with what your comfortable with." She says.
Okay cool.
She motions to the oil shelf.
"You know what to do with those?"
Not really, but you nod anyway.
"Great. Welcome to Ponyville Day Spa." she says with a smile.
On her way out she turns. "Your first costumer will be back soon, good luck."
"Yeah..." you thought as your situation dawned on you.
"Good luck."
About ten minutes after Aloe left, your first customer entered. She stopped in the doorway as she caught sight of you. She was an earth pony, witha cream colored coat with a rich magenta mane. There was a rose on her backside. She looked a bit nervous. Okay, gotta relax her. Break out the charm.
"Hello, my name is Mous and I'm going to be your masseur today. Feel free to lay down on the bed whenever you're ready." You say.
C'mon, nice smile.
She seemed to relax a bit and started walking towards the bed. You heard her hop up and lay down as you washed up at the sink in the rear of the room.
"Is there anywhere you would like particular attention be paid to miss...?"
Might as well see if there's anywhere that you could take care of quick. Anything to make this as simple as possible.
"Roseluck." she says. "And right above my haunches has been killing my lately."
Okay. Haunches.
The fuck are haunches? You do a quick run through of all your anatomical knowledge for the closest approximation. If you had to guess... Lower back? You glance up at the shelf of lotions as you think. You were probably supposed to use these. Scanning over them, you see one marked "coconut". Good enough. You spread some lotion on your hands and get to work on your first customer. Moment of truth...
For all your guesswork, you are rewarded with a content sigh as you start rubbing. You try and alternate what sides you work on to similar results. Are you supposed to talk during this? Worth a shot.
"Yeah, I can feel a lot of tension back here." You say.
You always were a good liar.
"If you don't mind my asking, what is it you do Roseluck?"
And now you were getting chummy with the customer? Ballsy. She lets out another sigh.
"I work with my friends selling flowers, we've been rearranging our shop lately so there's been a lot of heavy lifting." She says.
Okay that makes sense. You try and think of where a pony would carry things on their back and focus your attention there, also making sure to get her legs and hoofs. Conversation flows as freely as it can. Roseluck tells you about her business, her friends, and how she got her "cutie mark". The tattoo on her calf. For your part, you explain how you got here; Anon, fall through that white void, landing on the outskirts of town and your visit with royalty. You left out to part about Celestia's little meeting in the lower area near the garden. You also didn't tell her about when she was talking to that guard.
Hey-oh.
As time passes on, you start to wonder how long this is supposed to last. You've never had a massage before, your frame of reference is quite lacking. Okay, the spa probably opens around 8. You ran into Rarity and Fluttershy just past 10. They looked like they got more than just a massage so...An hour?
You heard the pitter patter of hooves coming from the hall. The sound gets close and you see Aloe walk by the door. Oh thank god it's Aloe, you can work with that. She peeks in to see how you're doing and you quietly mouth "How much longer?" as best you can. She motions that you should be wrapping up before heading on her way. You make your way back to Roseluck's haunches as you finish up. You want to end this on a high note.
"Okay miss Roseluck, I've done my best. How are you feeling?"
She rises from the bed.
She has a far off look in her eye.
"You are very good with those hands of yours Mister Mous. I'll definitely have to come back here." she says as she walks out of the room.
"Tell your friends." you say, trying to be witty.
Alone in the room again, you revel in your small victory as you try to purge the smell of coconut from the room. You aren't using coconut again for a while.
You have two more customers that day. The first is some unbelievably large pegasus with a white coat. You're amazed the guy didn't break the fucking bed. At least you know that ponies have steroids now. Your last customer of the day is a unicorn with a dark blue coat and mane that can only be described as "fabulous". His only other discerning feature is the fact that his horn seems to be half again as long as other unicorns. You tried to stay away from his horn, experience has taught you that if something looks that Freudian, you shouldn't touch it.
After your customers had gone and you were cleaning the putrid potpourri of stenches you had amassed in your room over the day, you heard what sounded like shouting coming from the front of the store. You went to investigate. The sounds were indeed shouting, they got more distinct as you got closer.
"-all know what goes on here!" came an angry male voice. It kinda reminded you of Spider-man's boss at the newspaper.
"And what, pray tell, goes on here Mr. Whistleblower?" That'd be Lotus.
"You know very well what goes on here! You and that sister of yours have set up a den of ill repute in our fair town!" came the gruff voice again.
As you walk into the front room, you see the scene at hand. Aloe and Lotus were behind the counter trying to talk down a group of three ponies, a grey pegasus and orange unicorn flanked a brown earth pony in front of them. An Earth Pony you could only assume was this Whistleblower guy.
"Aloe, Lotus, is this guy refusing to pay?" you ask.
That rustled his jimmies something fierce.
"I have never set hoof in this horrid establishment until today! And I will not be insulted by a monster!" he all but hollered at you.
Monster? That almost annoyed you.
"Sir, what is it that you think we actually do in this "horrid establishment" that has your balls so bunched up?" you ask.
He didn't like that, you get the feeling he doesn't like much.
"Is this how your employees talk to ponies here!?" his face was getting red.
He mad.
"It is when those ponies insult those who work here." you say as you take a few steps toward him.
To his credit, he doesn't back down.
"And I asked you a question." you spit at him.
Remembering your question, he looks you straight in the eye.
"It is quite obvious that this "day spa" is a front for these to harlots to ply their vile trade in my town! I refuse to stand for that when there are children here!" He shouted.
Insulting your cool bosses? No deal.
"Hey, leave them out of this. It's not their fault that they can do their job well enough to make people feel good." you say.
You kneel down a bit and get right in his face.
"And I wouldn't be so quick to judge if my job were "blowing whistles" champ." you make sure to add finger quotes to that. Finger quotes piss everybody off.
It takes him a minute to get your innuendo, but when he does his scowl gets so big you swear he's going to crack his own teeth.
"How can you not see what is going on here?!" he shouts "The region those two come from is a haven for deviants who would run such a disgusting service! These two are probably laying with each other every night to prepare themselves for their customer!"
This poor idiot doesn't hear how stupid he sounds. You were about to counter with a particularly scathing insult about his mother, but Lotus speaks before you get a chance to.
"What my sister and I do is strictly between us Mr. Whistleblower." she says with a stern face. "...and anyone we allow to watch."
Oh god your sides, it takes ever ounce of your willpower to keep your composure. A boss who is not only cool enough to hire you rude ass, but has balls big enough to make a joke about fucking her sister while some prick is yelling at her? Now you didn't just want to work here, you needed to work here.
Aloe can't contain herself and continues a giggling fit behind the counter. Whistleblower, apparently not understanding heavy sarcasm, gets positively lucid.
"You admit it! I'll have this place closed! I'll have it torn down and the earth underneath paved over!" He shouts.
He continues to rant and rave, you give a glance back to Lotus as she shakes her head. Not in the mood for any more of this crap, you grab Whistleblower by the mane and start dragging him towards the door.
"What are you doing! Let go of me!" he shouts as he tries to wriggle out of your grip while his flunkies just stare. You toss him out the front door and his henchmen follow to help him up. They all stare at you.
"Mister Whistleblower, you have convinced me. Now you go away and go grab the authorities while I keep this hive of scum and villainy secure." you say.
"This isn't over!" he shouts. "I will not stop until thi-"
You shut the door and his squawking stops. The three of you simply enjoy the silence for a moment as that pain in the ass is gone. Lotus looks at you with a small smile.
"Thank you Mous, that was very kind of you to stick up for us." she says.
"Yeah, *snrk!* thanks!" Aloe says as she tries to settle her laughter.
"It was a pleasure." you say. "If we're set for the day, I'm going to head out."
Lotus nods at you. "Of course Mous. Be here by 8:00 tomorrow morning for the day shift."
"Yes Ma'am." you say as you make way for the back door.
You stop as you're about to step out and turn to your bosses.
"You guys aren't really running this place as a front for a brothel, are you?"
Lotus doesn't meet your eyes as she goes over a schedule "Not since moving here."
She gives you a wink, prematurely settling your jimmies. With a laugh you step out the back door and begin the walk home.
The sun is low on the horizon as you walk. The wind blows the trees and you hear a symphony of leaves brush against each other. It was really nice here, much better then where your apartment used to sit. At least it doesn't smell like gas.
"Hey, Mous!" you hear from behind you.
To your surprise, Anon and Rainbow Dash come racing up to you carrying bags.
"Where've you been man? You were gone when we woke up." he asks
"You two lightweights crashed on the couch last night and were still out when I left. I went into town and got a job at the day spa." you say with a smirk.
Rainbow looks puzzled. "I dunno man, I heard that place was a front for some shady stuff." she says as she hovers at eye level.
You chuckle at the events of the day.
"It's not, don't worry. But you aren't the only one to think that."
"That's awesome man, I'll find a job in town tomorrow." Anon says
Your bro looks at you and holds up the bags he's carrying.
"Rainbro and I sold that bunch of crap we had on the tarp and used the money to replace all the booze we drank. We got a whole twenty bits for your stupid didgeridoo. We were thinking movie night again tonight?" he says with a smile.
Dammit, it wasn't your didgeridoo. You don't know how it got there, but that wasn't important.
"Rainbro?" you ask.
He looks at her and smiles."Yeah man, she helped fix the house and help get rid of all the crap without even asking. Add that in with the fun we had last night and I'd say it's bro material."
Your first Equestria bro? You're game. The more bros the better. You smile and look at your bros.
"I'm down for movies, but I'm not watching The fucking Room again."
Anon laughs. "That's cool man, we can find something else."
"Something Else" wound up being some movie where Vin Deisel had to babysit some fucking kids. Next time, you pick the movie.
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This. Is. AWESOME.
very well done sir
rainbro
Typo Detected. Funny, another story I just read had this problem. (No beggining quotation mark.)
Great, welcome to Ponyville day spa." She said with a smile.
-----
Well, It's nice to see that ignorant annoying retards aren't just limited to humanity.
And I hope Whistlerblower comes back, just to give this story more depth in the ponys that cause Anon and Mous trouble.
1368319
shall we take a look in to his life?
Whistleblower
age: 49
Sex: male, virgin
married?: no
sizeofballs?: need a microscope with a ten trillion zoom to find it
overal: that microscopic dick is on his head
"Something Else" wound up being some movie where Vin Deisel had to babysit some fucking kids. Next time, you pick the movie.
And another joins the ranks of my ACTUAL favorites and not just the ones I put there to keep easy track of..
Man instead of crappy movies they need to show these ponies some real shows like Game of Thrones and Breaking Bad. I could see twilight getting a science boner over Heisenberg.
4880457 Actually, I think that Tree Hugger would enjoy that more.
I suggest Die Hard
Omg PACIFIER right.loved the part where the girlscouts beat up the boyscouts.finally those thin mints got what they deserved.BEING SHOVED DOWN ONE'S THROAT
6123402
I think animal planet would be more her style
4880457
Also could see her getting one over the mythbusters or the game theorist
Uuuuuugh...no...must resist...can't
*unidentifiable scream of pain*
Must...stay...strong...oh, I give up.
That's what she said
I need to just ignore my shipping senses. I can't ship them all, dammit!