• Published 7th Sep 2020
  • 2,324 Views, 409 Comments

Como Salsa para los Tacos - Admiral Biscuit



One thing ponies lack in Equestria is Taco Bells. With enough hard work from enough ponies, that can change.

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The Sauce Must Flow

Como Salsa para los Tacos: The Sauce Must Flow
Admiral Biscuit

Serrano knew that human industry was done on a scale which dwarfed pony industry, but he’d never been able to wrap his mind around it. As a foal, he’d played in the house while his mother patiently chopped up peppers for sauce, and even though it was silly, he couldn’t help but picture a big factory as just being a lot of mares all chopping up peppers.

A few newsreels in Equestria had shown human assembly lines, and he could sort of get an understanding of how many there must be by seeing all the cars on the street or all the goods for sale at Wal-Mart. It didn’t prepare him for his first view of the factory, how big it was, how many cars were sitting idle in the parking lot, how many truck trailers were backed up to the loading docks.

The factory was vastly bigger than any mill or sauciers’ establishment and intellectually that made sense, he could still see in his mind rows of stove and pans and chefs and then when he walked through the door into the factory proper he caught a glance of forklifts moving boxes by the pallet and the bottles on the line blurring by at a breakneck pace to satisfy the needs of millions of consumers.

It was insane. How could there be any kind of quality control? How would anypony know what was in any particular bottle? As far as he could tell, the only people involved were at the very end, stuffing the bottles into cardboard boxes as fast as they could, and the people who were driving the forklifts around to carry the full boxes away, one pallet at a time.

He did know that Taco Bell sauces came in little packets instead of jars, and he’d been told that some of those sauces were made here and put in packets here and if the bottles were filled this fast, how much faster might packets be made? They held far less sauce and Taco Bell gave them out by the half-dozen upon request; they had to have been produced at a furious rate.

Serrano didn’t get to find out right away. There was a brief orientation meeting and a safety meeting for all new employees and a reminder that he had to wear his food-suit and mane-net and muzzle-cover at all times, lest a stray hair wind up in the finished product.

Back in Equestria, a stray hair was proof that the pony who’d said she made the salsa really did. Humans didn’t like that though; the size and scale of the factory made him finally realize that humans generally had no idea where their food had come from. Commercials showed chefs in kitchens, not factories full of pipes and bottles on conveyors. No one opened a sauce packet at Taco Bell and thought of this factory, or the people who worked in it.

•••

After his brief training, he was sent to the head end of the salsa line. That gave him a brief opportunity to check out the tail end of the sachet line as he walked past—a constant barrage of pneumatic noise, a giant roll of unfilled sauce packets feeding like newsprint into a machine, and with each ca-chunk another dozen now-full packets got sliced off the sheet and into a holding bucket, which dumped them out by the hundreds into a box below.

One man watched that end of the line, occasionally pulling defective sachets out of the bucket and tossing them into a waste basket.

The unformed packets were fed into the machine on a roll; the salsa arrived in a hose and that bothered him. Sauce wasn’t supposed to be in a pipe.

•••

His job was at the other end of the pipe, feeding raw ingredients into the maw of the demanding machine.

When his mother made food, if it was something she hadn’t grown and picked herself, she inspected it at the market stand and again when she got it home. She carefully trimmed it, keeping the best parts for the food and the worst parts for the compost heap or for stew. Then came dicing, and another inspection before the vegetable was worthy to go in the pot.

Here, the incoming vegetables got a quick look as they were emptied onto the conveyor; people picked out the tomatoes that weren’t all the way ripe and picked off the stems and leaves and then they got fed into a giant machine which diced them and unceremoniously dumped them into a bin big enough to fit several ponies. Onions and cilantro met a similar fate.

From there, they all got measured by weight and then dumped into a giant cooking pot. Until he’d set hoof in the factory, the biggest mixing bowl he’d seen had been the one on a pony-drawn cement mixer. This one dwarfed that, and was made all of shiny stainless steel besides.

His job was demanding, but not skilled. Inspect as quickly as possible the ingredients going in to each cooking pot, make sure that nothing that didn’t belong went in, make sure his protective gear was always on. There were a few levers and latches he had to use, but for the most part it was buttons to push and then a machine would do the work from there.

By lunchtime, Serrano was more than ready for a break. The pungent aroma of salsa had somewhat faded in his nose, but he’d been hungry all day. Such was the price of working in a food factory.

The lunchroom didn’t have anything fresh, just a machine with processed brand-name food and another with Coke. Some people brought their own lunch, some of them ate vending machine food, and some of them didn’t eat anything, just played on their phones.

Some of the defective sauce packets made their way into the lunchroom, ready to spice up a person—or a pony’s—lunch. He’d brought a sack of stone-ground oats, and the Taco Bell fire sauce gave it an extra zing.

•••

Serrano didn’t gain his equilibrium until after lunch break. Between the size of the machines and the removal from any type of cooking he knew, he was off-balance for the entire morning, not only trying to learn a new job, but also trying to wrap his head around the scale of it, the process of it. Kettles and pipes and conveyors, the constant beeping from machines that wanted attention and from forklifts to warn people before they got run over, paper logbooks that had to be filled out even though a machine could have done that, too.

The scale of the factory was beyond anything that ponies could build—was beyond the scale of a factory that ponies should build. But the recipe at the front end of the line was what he was here to learn, the ratio of tomatoes to onions to cilantros, what kind of spices got put in . . . humans might have lost their way when it came to the care with which they produced their food, but ponies could fix it, could scale the line back until it was a mare or two dicing vegetables and cooking them in a sauce pot instead of a hogshead.

•••

If he concentrated on remembering the ratios, he got behind, and then he got yelled at by his co-worker, a heavyset man named Dan. If he didn’t quite focus on them, he could keep up, and hope that he remembered them at the end of the day.

Dan wasn’t keen on having a pony co-worker to train, and Serrano wasn’t enthused about Dan either, but the two of them both understood their role and the necessity of getting along well enough to keep production moving, and by the end of the shift they’d reached an uneasy truce. Ponies could sometimes be won over by food, and while after a shift at the factory Dan probably didn’t want anything to do with home-cooked salsa, Serrano also knew how to make three-milk cakes, and everypony liked those. Especially if they had strawberries on top.

As much as it pained him, he wrote out everything about the factory before starting in on the cake. The lack of attention given to the ingredients—most tomatoes weren’t even touched after they were dumped out of their crates, except to move them in bulk to another process—to the insane size of the mixing and cooking bowls and the relentless pace of the line. The machine that indifferently packaged salsa from a hose into packets with inspirational messages printed on them, only to be dumped into a big box which ultimately got carried off by a forklift to who knew where.

Was everything on Earth made that way? Did all the products for sale at Wal-Mart rush down some kind of conveyor with minimal human interaction only to be stuffed into boxes or plastic-sealed to cardboard at the end of it? What about bigger things? Were all the cars that crowded the road made that way, on giant conveyor belts with no proper craftsponies involved, only workers like Dan who knew how to follow instructions?

Serrano didn’t send the email, he kept it as a draft and went into the kitchen and made a 3-milk cake, working on the whipped cream topping as it cooked.

When the cake came out of the oven, it was like he’d completed his absolution, and he reviewed his email as it cooled. There were a few spots where he could have been more diplomatic, and to be honest human industry had its advantages—for example, he could set his oven at a specific temperature and trust that it stayed at what it said it was. With salsa by the ton, consistency must be very important, especially since nobody could check every single packet to make sure it was good. Sometimes when the oven wasn’t hot enough or was too hot his cakes came out wrong.

He sent the email and frosted his cake, then ate a slice to check for quality, and then he went to bed because he was exhausted.