- Member Since 7th Oct, 2012
- offline last seen 26 minutes ago
CrimsonEquine
Improvement is a dire mistress.
CrimsonEquine
Joined 7th Oct, 2012 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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that was sad and short!
10423279
I need to learn to write more, its hard.
I came for the plot, but plot doesn't have good chemistry with plot. The plot does not thicken, and I'm sad.
10423291
so your saying I should next time thicken the story?
The positive: you killed off Button's dad for real instead of doing so 'off screen'. That's better than most fics about Button manage.
The negative: the text is very clunky.
I really don't feel like this is a mother talking to her son during their sad and dark moment.
Literally no transition from the funeral scene whatsoever.
This was meant to help him with the nerves? Again, very unnatural interactions. It's neither sad nor porn. It's just cringey.
You called him a colt earlier in the text. Why is he so big all of the sudden?
Huh? i'm not sure what you're describing.
Is this porn? Or it was meant to be funny?
10423303
I'm saying the first and second bit of this story doesn't have good chemistry.
10423521
its supposed to be porn.
10423651 Yes, but good porn requires proper build-up and plot structure and good chemistry.
I think what the problem here is that its abrupt. The first part is slow and concentrated. It makes you sad. It us well written. But the second part is abrupt. It suddenly exists. We have almost no internal dialogue from Button in the second. Where the first was almost nothing but his internal emotions and reflection.
Then the action is written in a way that almost glosses over what is happening. Again. Very quick and with out though or description.
What I recommend is going back and delving into Button’s inner dialogue in front of the door up until the mounting. This will help connect the first section to the second.
Then maybe describe the intercourse in physical sensation more.
Just my thoughts though. Take what you will.
People are very picky about porn for some reason.
That said, I think this story underdelivers on the porn aspect. There's so much emphasis on the horrible situation Button is in that it's hard to find the actual sex part sexy.
Still doesn't warrent this many dislikes though...
10521931
I'm guessing its because of my history and how I write.
Either that or the story was not what they expected.
I think this could have a good sequel