Chapter 1.3
The full rain dripped down on him outside, he then walked inside and smelled the delicious bread those ponies were making. The Grand Duke used his head to turn to the right, put his coat, and hat on a hanger to dry. The two maidens walked behind him. He turned his head to the left and looked at all the ponies that were cooking. Several ponies grabbed the powder of flour, poured the water, used a utensil, and started to roll. Most of the hoofs had some kind of white powder on their hoofs. Five other ponies where Mrs. Tenderheart was. She used her left hoof and grabbed the egg. She then hit it on the counter, separating the shell over a bowl, then used her right hoof, and stirred the bowl.
Tenderheart closed her eyes with her mouth opened wide with her teeth together. The Grand Duke with her maidens opened their mouths with their teeth together at Tenderheart.
“I’m the Grand Duke Tipsy Tulip. Will you like to cook in our household? It will be an honor.”
Tenderheart nodded her head yes with both of her eyes shut and her mouth opened wide with her teeth together.
“Mrs. Princess Sapphire is there anything you need?”
“One more thing.” She gave him a letter, then she walked out of the room went downstairs, and walked out of the house.
The Grand Duchess Light Heart walked back with two flowers in her mane near the left side of her head. She then walked in the household and headed upstairs to the main bedroom.
The slave, prince, maidens, and the Grand Duke walked back to their bedrooms.
Prince Blue Dream walked in his room and started to wonder about the future of the slave Rane Shackleton.
“I wonder if Rane would love me. It’s hard to tell these days what she likes. One day, I will ask her out to dance with me at the Grand Galloping Gala.”
He walked to the bed and hopped on it, looked at the ceiling, used both hooves, pushed the sheets underneath him, and then pulled the sheets on top of him while he shook his body, took a deep breath, and shut his eyes.
Rane walked in the room she used her right hoof on her left wing. She remembered what happened all those years ago back in high school.
There she was walking out of the locker room and went out of the high school doors. There were a few more ponies that were waiting for her. So, she walked further, one of them used their left hoof, and used a power force on the left side of Rane's face. She dropped down and hit the gravel on the right side of her face.
The filly used her left hoof, grabbed her left wing tightly, pulling it, and then used her back left hoof on Rane’s left wing, and made a crack sound twisting it. Rane had watered dripped down on her cheeks, while the group walked back and went home.
Prince Blue Dream walked out of the high school with the wind blowing in his face, and then he saw her laying down on the gravel. He picked her up and looked at her left wing that bent in a different direction. He had water dripping down from his eyes. Carried her to his household. The Arch Duchess Golden Glow took a look at her and used a healing spell to cure the wounds. However, she couldn’t fix the broken wing.
Rane’s eyes were shut and heard a conversation.
“Sorry grandson but, that’s the best I can do for her. You do realize if you like her you should be a protector you know.”
“I try my best but there will always be something up that I have to do. Like cleaning after school.”
The Arch Duchess understood the problem, at that moment the prince used both hooves and touched Rane’s right hoof and shut his eyes.
She then used her right hoof to pull the sheet from left to right, went on the bed, laid on her back, used her right hoof, and grabbed the bed sheets from left to right again. She leaned on her right side and shut her eyes with teardrops running down her face.
The Grand Duke gave the letter to the Grand Duchess.
“So, do you want to read what it says or should I.”
The Grand Duchess used her left hoof and opened the letter with ease.
The letter said.
I will be returning to my household from vacation.
Signed by Archduchess Golden Glow.
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10467476
I'm going to work hard to make this a master piece.
I personally think that the pain of Rane having her wing broken could've been described better. Breaking a bone hurts a lot, so describing Rane screaming in pain would be a good idea. Also, Prince Blue Dream's tears could've been described better too, the mare he loves in in a lot of pain right now.
You're working hard at least, I can see that ^^
10480811
yes it is true however, getting hit in the face can knock out a person cold. Even I got hit once and they broke my leg... So yeah... I also putting my self life a little bit.
10480819
I hear ya, I did the same (sorta) for Manehattan Vice. In any case, I didn't read that she got knocked out, I had mistakenly inferred she was conscious the entire time, so that would be a good detail to add.
10480824
ah, the physics of knocking out someone is pretty difficult, (if I told you shes out cold and then broke the wing) that would be telling i think???
When I use this So, she walked further, one of them used their left hoof, and used a power force on the left side of Rane's face. She dropped down and hit the gravel on the right side of her face. that is showing which I'm also testing my combat in stories... so, this is the best I can come up with.
when a pony broke a wing and didn't feel it then that also means that she's out cold.
10480840
I understand, how I would've done it is described how motionless she is as they walked over to break her wing. A good example of showing in this sense is "She walked further, one of them used their left hoof and a power force on the left side of Rane's face. She dropped like a corpse and hit the gravel on the right side of her face."
"The filly approached the very still mare, and without much resistance, used her left hoof and grabbed her left wing, she then stomped on the limp mare's left wing".
10480855
it was good talking about it... I did fix a few stuff on it... I made a few mistakes actually.
10480891
It was super fun for me too. I was also just finishing up the latest chapter of Manehattan vice before implementing some of the changes you suggested, so we both got to make our stories 20% cooler!
10480897
we should make a partnership.
10480899
I agree, that sounds awesome!