We must dare, and dare again, and go on daring.
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An old war torn father is deprived from his son when the human menace comes through a portal and kidnaps his foal for cutie mark harvesting. Will he be able to save his son from Natash? With Twilight's help, maybe he will.
NO HATE IN THE COMMENTS! You will be banned!
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YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHY YOU HATE IT YOU CANT JUST DOWNVOTE
Can I hate it just a little without a comment?
10404749
no you must tell me why. this is not a place to dump hate. one more time and you will BE banned
10404769
That is not good criticism because
10404778 That’s how you thank me after welcoming you back to the site with open arms?
10404784
I went to writing school and got good grades and now I am here but people hate me because I want to be a girl (I am a girl) I have read MANY STORIES about real stuff so I am now trying to get published for real and this is a side story in which I can show off how I write
Alright. I downvoted for a few reasons.
1. It had an interesting concept, but it felt a bit rushed, and there was not much character or story development to speak of.
2. Your grammar, spelling, and capitalization is unfortunately, atrocious. I would advise you to get an editor for future stories that you write.
I am not going to make any other judgements, as I do not know if this is your first story. Nonetheless, there's always room for improvement.
You want a reason for disliking your story? Fine.
The amount of poor capitalization and grammatical errors is very apparent. This in and of itself is enough to make most people dislike a story.
For more specific problems, the jarring shift to a fully capitalized sentence is not necessary. This is a cheap way to emphasize moments that is considered to be amateur. Another thing is using parenthesis to provide additional information to readers. Don't do that. This is also an amateur writing crutch. Either work it into the story or leave it out and trust your readers to be smart enough to figure it out based on other context. And, maybe it is just me not reading it in-depth, but it seems that this chapter is all over the place with no set plot or structure. The first chapter (if one plans to write a multi-chapter story) must hook the readers attention and get them interested, as well as usually set up the entire story, else resulting in the current predicament.
In all honesty, it seems that this was written as a first draft in an hour, then immediately posted without a second thought. I would take time to fix the punctuation, capitalization, and grammatical issues first before doing anything else.
Welcome back.
10404927
Wrong. Please learn to write ok?
10404911
Nope! Please stop commenting if you have literally NOTHING to say! You will be blocked if you reply! TRY ME
10404958
Actually, I do know how to write. I also know how to use correct capitalization and grammar.
You ask for feedback and people to tell you why they hate it, but then brush it off or tell them they are wrong. Seems a tad bit contradictory.
10404977
Learn. How. To. Write.
I went to school for english. Did you?
10404730
Actually, people can.
You just don't like to admit it.
10405002
Nope!! You're wrong, you know. ID LIKE PEOPLE TO QUOT MY STORY TO THE PARTS THEY DONT LIKE THANK YOU
10405023
Literally who are you? Try harder little man <3
10405001
I did graduate. Also, like I said, I do know how to write, which is why I'm giving you feedback on your writing instead of simply disliking and leaving you to wonder what might cause said dislike.
10405031
Calm down! No need to lie!!
10405035
>a literal who
10405038
You keep deleting comments you don't want to see.
What exactly does that say about yourself?
10405040
I have graduated top of my class in California writing institute for the gifted. Prob done more than you!! Graduate high school ok? Then we'll talk!
10405045
Shh
10405050
Looool.
10405054
>if you so desire it.
Send me your highschool records. I dont believe you.
I explained my reasoning, and did not attack you in any way. I apologize if criticism offends you, but I find it helps greatly for writers of every skill level.
10405059
10405062
You know what? You're too far gone. I'm done here.
10405046
"Graduated top of your class."
I would be more inclined to believe this if the following didn't exist:
Poor grammar.
Using parenthesis to provide additional information that isn't relevant to the current situation.
Showing and not telling. Even more so, contradicting the knowledge that your character has. You say the protagonist thinks the newcomer looks human, but then state that he doesn't know what a human is?
Again, using parenthesis to give information.
These are some problems that someone who 'graduated top of their class' wouldn't have.
10405060
Can you please read the story?? I see no specific criticism??
I'm torn between feeling impressed by the audacity of simply allowing for the presence of such a lackluster store, or horrified by the recklessness that accompanies it.
Incredible.
10405066
Nice! You just went into the story and changed the grammar yourself to make me look bad! Post again and you're blocked
10405069
Thank you!!! What did you like about the story! A lot of haters out here today!
TO ALL THE HATERS: STOP LYING AND READ THE STORY. MY FANS STILL SUPsupport mePORT ME.
10405064
Cry more
Thanks for deleting my comment.