I craned my neck up at the nexus of the hive. Drones buzzed to-and-fro, pumping through the veins that riddled the mountain. Some carried packages. Others carried weapons. A few carried nothing but their increasingly emaciated frames. A cacophonous orchestra of buzzing wings echoed endlessly through the tunnels. I waited for a break in the stream to butt in, following my brothers and sisters deeper into the bowels of the earth.
The cramped tunnels twisted and curled through the stone. Though my vision cut flawlessly through the darkness, it didn’t change the solid mass of grey that met me at every turn. Instead, I let my mind wander, allowing my instincts to draw me toward the heart of the hive.
Eventually, I found myself in another tunnel, distinguished from its countless counterparts by a large set of oak double doors at the mouth. Shards of the green crystals scattered about the walls had been arranged into a mosaic of the lonely stone spire that we called home.
Two drones stood guard on either side of the doors. Both easily stood a head taller than me. Their reinforced chitin marked them as Brutes.
“I’m here to see the Queen,” I explained.
Wordlessly, they stepped back, propping open the door long enough for me to squeeze through. As I entered, they called out to Chrysalis. “Drone I – six – two – nine – five to see you, My Queen,” before closing me into the hall.
Chrysalis’ dark shell blended with the stone of her seat. She lay on her stomach, watching me, her head tilted in curiosity. Two more guards stood on either side of her throne. Another pair waited at the base of the steps. Their glances were far less kind. I stopped just before the red carpet that unrolled from her pedestal.
“My Queen.” I bowed.
“Welcome home,” she said, propping her head up with one of her arms. The other hung loosely from the edge of her seat. “You have a report for me, I assume?”
“Yes, My Queen. The infiltration was successful.”
“Good.” She licked her lips and smiled. “What of the love you obtained.”
“I passed it along to the Broodmothers.”
She frowned. Luckily for me, not her usual, angry frown that sent shivers down my spine. Rather, it reminded me of a child being denied their favorite treat.
“I’m sorry to say that my target will be of no more use to us. I’m afraid too many feedings made her paranoid. There are other agents nearby, and I didn’t want to risk an incident.”
“A shame.” She sighed. “But you made the right choice.”
“Thank you, My Queen.” I bowed again, feeling heat rise through my cheeks.
“Thorax.”
I froze. I think my heart stopped momentarily. I slowly raised my head to meet her gaze.
“Y-Yes, Queen Chrysalis?”
“Would you mind staying for a little while? There are a few matters I’d like your opinion on.”
“Of course.”
She beckoned me forward. With careful steps, I climbed toward the throne. The guards watched me, hunger in their eyes. As I approached, the queen directed me toward the foot of her chair.
“Sit,” she commanded.
I obeyed, making sure to keep my back straight and posture crisp as I found a comfortable place on the stone to rest. Once I was in position, she continued.
“Anything interesting happen on your assignment?”
“Depends on what you mean by interesting?”
She shrugged. “Is there anything happening in Equestria? I've been a little . . . preoccupied lately.” Her hind legs shifted slightly. “I haven’t been able to keep up with any new reports.”
“Well. I heard some interesting rumors. That’s all they are, though. From what I can tell, Equestria has been peaceful. At least, the little corner of it I lived in.”
“Do any of these rumors warrant a closer look?” she asked.
I let my mouth hang open for a moment. “I did hear one thing that might interest you.”
“Tell me.”
“One of my neighbors was obsessed with a pony named Nightmare Moon.”
“Nightmare Moon?” She rolled her eyes. “These ponies have such ridiculous names. So, who is this . . . Nightmare Moon?”
“I couldn’t say for sure, but she seems important.”
“I see.” Chrysalis nodded. “Well, I suppose it might be something to look into. Anything else?”
I coughed. “N-Not really. Like I said, things have been pretty peaceful these past few months.” I averted my eyes, tapping my hoof against the rock.
“Aren’t you going to ask me how I’ve been?” Chrysalis leaned toward me.
“O-O-Of course. How have you been, Qu-Queen Chrysalis?” I sputtered.
She sank back into her throne, content.
“I thought you’d never ask. We’ve had a few changes since you left. We just finished digging out a new nursery down in chamber thirty-six. Several new Broodmothers have been assigned to it. I’m decently proud of it, if I do say so myself.”
“Impressive, Queen Chrysalis.”
“Thank you.” She flipped her mane overdramatically. “Actually, that’s sort of what I wanted to speak with you about. You see—”
Shouts from outside interrupted our conversation. The guards tensed, drawing their weapons. The two on the raised platform with us stepped between Chrysalis and the approaching cacophony. The chamber doors flew open. A dozen of the brutish soldier drones poured in. I could hear the sound of metal scraping against the earth.
“What is the meaning of this?” Chrysalis demanded, climbing to her hooves.
In response, one of the drones pushed to the front of the pack. The chitinous fringes on his chin and scalp marked him as the leader of this particular squadron.
“Queen Chrysalis, we’ve captured two ponies who made their way into our territory.” The captain nodded to his underlings. The crowd split to reveal the two ponies, an older blue stallion and his pretty pink mare. Both of them were bound with a black, tar-like substance, save for the chained collar around their necks. One of the drones dragged them forward into the Great Hall.
As she descended toward the captives, Chrysalis studied them. The stallion struggled against his restraints. The mare, however, lay still. She watched her captors with wide, terrified eyes while her body quaked.
“Trespassers, is it? Well, I hope the two of you have a good explanation as for why you’re here in my domain unannounced,” Chrysalis explained, her voice quiet.
For the first time, the stallion looked up at her. Even from my roost, I could see the color drain from his face. I couldn’t blame him. Just as the brutes towered over the ponies, Chrysalis towered over her brutes. To the two lying on the floor, she must have loomed as large as the mountain itself.
At Chrysalis’ approach, the flock of drones parted silently. Her magic caressed the unfortunate stallion’s chin, lifting his head and forcing him to meet her gaze.
“Did you not hear me?” The ethereal emerald haze lifted the stallion from the earth, holding him eye-level with her.
“W-W-We weren’t trespassing,” he stammered.
Chrysalis recoiled, feigning surprise.
“Oh, you weren’t? Well, there must have been some mistake then. I’m so sorry about this.”
I watched the tiniest flicker of hope ignite in his stare. I lowered my own, tracing a colored line in the rock beneath me. I heard the sound of flesh connecting with rock as she slammed the prisoner back down onto the floor.
“Go,” Chrysalis commanded. “Make sure they were alone.”
Bowing in unison, the soldiers crept back out the door, eager to escape the show. To my surprise, even the drones guarding her royal pedestal fled. I rose, keeping my head low as I followed the guards.
“Thorax.”
I stumbled.
“Yes, My Queen?”
“You will stay here until our conversation is done.”
“Yes, My Queen.”
My thoughts waged war against my instincts, locking me in position at the bottom of the throne’s steps. I watched the hall doors close, their heavy frames reverberating through the stone.
“Now we can speak privately.” Chrysalis returned her focus to her newest toys. “Stand.”
Neither of the ponies moved.
Chrysalis snarled. “I told you to stand.” Her horn flared with magic, pulling the chains high into the air and dragging the ponies to their hooves.
“I don’t understand why you’re so insistent on making this difficult.”
There, hanging from the shackles by her neck, the mare finally found her voice.
“We didn’t mean any harm. We were lost. Please don’t hurt us.”
Chrysalis’ magic faded, letting their chains drop with them.
“Thorax?”
I snapped to attention.
“What do you think should be done with them?”
I gave as innocent a look as I could.
“It’s clearly a mistake, My Queen. Allow me to handle this. I’ll make sure she makes it home in one piece.”
The captives exchanged confused looks. The wicked smile on Chrysalis’ face told me she understood the truth behind my words.
“Always such a kind young man, aren’t you, Thorax?”
I bowed. “I try my best, My Queen.”
“However, I think they must repay the hive first for their transgressions.”
“Oh?”
A viridian pillar erupted around Chrysalis, causing the shadows on the wall to dance in eager anticipation. As the flames fizzled out, the captive mare screamed, horrified by the sight of herself standing where the queen had been only moments ago. The doppelganger’s eyes flashed green.
“Join me, my love,” Chrysalis cooed, reaching toward the stallion with a gentle touch. He fought valiantly, but the moment their eyes locked, his resistance shattered. Chrysalis’ magic flashed, tearing the bonds from him. Ignorant of his lover’s cries, he rose, staggering forward like a drunkard.
“Sweetie? I had the most terrible dream . . .” he muttered.
“It’s alright. It was just a dream,” Chrysalis beckoned him forward.
He approached, nuzzling her affectionately.
The mare screamed his name, but he didn’t react to her voice. I stepped back, eager to put distance between myself and the scene playing out before me.
“I was so scared.”
Chrysalis shushed him, returning his affection with a gentle embrace, though her gaze met the terrified mare still bound in her restraints. “Honey, do you love me?”
“Of course,” he said.
Chrysalis waited for the mare’s pleas to melt into sobbing before continuing. “Then kiss me, Darling.”
He closed his eyes, leaned forward, and pressed his lips against Chrysalis’. I could feel the energy radiate through the room. A green mist enveloped the two, whirling around the transformed changeling. Their locking lips didn’t break until they struggled for breath.
“Is something wrong, Sweetie?” the stallion asked.
“Would you do something for me?”
“Ask for the moon . . .” he chuckled.
“Anything?”
“Anything.”
“Will you stay here with me. We can make a new home, here.”
“I would never leave your side. You know that.”
“I hoped you’d say that. There’s someone waiting for you outside. Go to him. If you really love me, you’ll do whatever he tells you.”
“O-Of course, Dear. I love you.”
The moment Chrysalis released him, the pony turned toward the door. He rushed outside, eager to please. Even as he vanished into the dark, a wisp of green still radiated from him.
“What did you do to him?” The mare cried out.
“I didn’t do anything to him,” Chrysalis answered in the mare’s own voice, laden with a sarcastic sorrow. “I simply made him realize what he’s wanted all along.”
“Please don’t hurt him. I’ll do anything you want.”
Chrysalis’ laugh echoed through the hall.
“I know you will, Darling.” Her forked tongue licked her pale pink lips. “But it’s not me you’ll have to please.”
“W-What?”
“Thorax?”
“Yes, Chrysalis?”
“You’ve been such a good boy. I think you deserve a reward.”
“A . . . reward?”
“I have plans for her. But for now, she’s yours. Do what you will with her.”
The mare turned to me, her terrified eyes cutting right through me. I backed away.
“I-I don’t deserve such a fine gift, Queen Chrysalis.”
“That’s for me to decide, isn’t it?”
“My Queen—”
“If you really don’t want her,” Chrysalis began, turning her back to me and the prisoner, “I suppose my guards could always use another meal. They don’t get nice things very often. They tend to be rather . . . rough with my gifts.”
The mare whimpered.
“This is such a nice gift. I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t need to say anything. Just enjoy it.”
I moved closer to the trembling pony as gently as I could. She tried to retreat from me, but her binds kept her still.
“I’ll make it quick,” I whispered. “It won’t be anything but a bad dream.”
She closed her eyes, freeing me from their accusing glare. Of course, that only brought about a sudden flood of guilt. I drew the energy from her as quickly as I could, though I made sure not to hurt her. Despite the hatred I felt for myself, the undeniable ecstasy of feeding overwhelmed me. I silently cursed my anatomy.
“That’s enough.” Chrysalis' voice echoed behind me.
My senses burst from their haze. I reeled back, severing the mystical connection between the two of us. The color had begun to drain from the mare’s face.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”
The mare’s eyes didn’t open, but her chest still rose and fell with each breath.
“How do you feel?”
“What?” I turned toward my queen, now returned to her throne.
“How do you feel?” she repeated.
“I . . . I’m alright.”
The sweet tang of love still colored my lips.
“Good.”
I motioned toward the unconscious pony. “What about her?”
“You don’t need to worry about that.”
On cue, one of the guards returned, lifting the mare onto his broad shoulders.
“Take her down to M – one – three. She’s been waiting long enough. And take him to M – zero – nine,” Chrysalis ordered. The guard carried the pony off deeper into the hive.
Feeling sure we were alone, I approached the base of Chrysalis’ throne. “He’s taking her to one of the Mothers? Why?”
“M – one – three has been . . . vocal about an experiment she’d like to try. She’s been asking for a mare. Even if that doesn’t work out, she could use the sustenance,” Chrysalis said, waving me off with a hoof.
“I thought we were going to use them for infiltration.”
“Things have changed since you left, Thorax.” The room stayed silent for nearly a minute before she continued. “Is this a problem?”
“No, Your Majesty. If there’s nothing else, I’ll be taking my leave. I’ve had a rather long trip.” I bowed before turning to leave.
Thorax!
My legs locked in place at the sound of her silent voice.
Look at me, Thorax . . .
I ground my teeth, but my body turned to face her.
Speak . . .
Her voice stormed through my head, knocking my thoughts aside. I clenched my teeth as red-hot pain seared through my mind.
“Thorax?”
The agony subsided. I looked up at my Queen expecting fury. She stood tall as she stalked forward. A predator, perfect in every sense of the word.
Then I noticed the softness in her eyes. Against my better judgment, my words started to flow.
“What are you planning to do with those two?” I asked, my tone far more demanding than I meant it to be. I chalked it up to the echoing throb left in my head, rather than the boiling anger in my chest.
“They will serve the hive. The same as the rest of their kind.”
“Since when do we take prisoners?”
“As I said, many things have changed since you left.”
“This is . . . wrong.”
Chrysalis reached for me, and I pulled away. I let my defiance ring through the vaulted arches.
“There is something I need to show you,” the sadness in her voice caught me off guard, extinguishing my anger almost immediately.
“Fine,” I relented.
She led me to the back of the hall, behind her throne. In the back of the raised platform, a tunnel led down deep into the earth.
“Follow me.”
She stepped into the darkness; the tunnel just tall enough for her to keep her head up. I followed. Though the stairs themselves were pitch black, I could see a light at the end of the tunnel.
“Where are we going, Chrysalis?” My voice had already lost its hard edge.
“My chambers. As I said, there is something you need to see.”
Every changeling knew only two types of drones were allowed in Chrysalis chambers. I certainly didn’t belong in the first group, and I wouldn’t live long enough to know if I belonged in the second. Bracing, I stepped into the spider’s web.
We stepped into the admittedly small room. A lavish bed sat in the center, fitted with various sheets and dark pillows. A few sparse shelves lined the edges, along with a painting. A trophy from a former conquest, if I had to guess. I didn’t recognize the castle it depicted.
She didn’t linger, vanishing through an archway at the back of the room. I kept close.
Rough-hewn stone walls surrounded us, protruding with raw chunks of the glowing green gems. The omnipresent black and green strands that decorated the rest of the hive were present here, too. A dense cloud of steam filled the room, though I couldn’t locate the source.
“What is this?” I asked.
“You don’t recognize it?” She almost sounded disappointed.
“No.” Truthfully, I did recognize it. At least, I had at one point. I’d been here before, though I couldn’t say precisely when.
“Tell me what you see here.”
She stepped aside, allowing me access to the full room. I found little more than bare stone.
“Am I looking for something in particular?” I asked.
“At the back of the room.”
The chitin on the back of my neck bristled, but I ignored it. Stepping past her, I renewed my search. To my surprise, I did see something back there hidden in the mist. I moved closer for a better look.
In the back of the room, held tight in black webbing, small white orbs were gathered in groups. At first, I thought they were some sort of colossal pearls. A treasury, maybe. On closer inspection, I recognized the items.
“A nursery,” I realized.
“Yes.”
“Are these . . . yours?”
“Yes.”
A sense of awe washed over me.
And then I realized what I had been nagging at me. These clutches only took up the back quarter of the room. I turned to Chrysalis.
“Where are the rest of them?”
She didn’t answer.
“Is this what you wanted me to see?”
Still nothing.
“I . . . I didn’t realize things were so . . . I’ll . . . I’ll bring back as much love as I can when I return.”
“I’m afraid it’s far too late for that, Thorax.”
I turned slowly. “What do you mean?”
Chrysalis kept her gaze locked on the eggs.
“We can’t simply wait and hope our Infiltrators bring back enough love. The hive won’t survive long enough for that to matter.”
“Then what do we do?” I asked.
A blaze ignited in her eyes.
“Whatever it takes. I’ve put plans into motion. No matter what, I won’t let my hive fall.”
She started for the exit, leaving me standing among my unborn kin.
“What sort of plans?”
“Invasion.”
“Invasion?” I nearly choked on the word.
“You’re going back to Canterlot.”
“No. There has to be another way.”
“I’ve made my decision.”
Her voice took on a hard edge.
I lowered my head. She stopped at the threshold of the room.
“Thorax?”
“Yeah, Mom?”
“There were thirty-two.”
“What?”
“Eggs. There were thirty-two of them in this clutch.”
I only counted twenty-six.
“Where are the other six?” I asked, dread mounting.
“They . . .”
She took a deep breath.
“They were the ones that hatched.”
ouch!
Damn that was a feels bomb
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The pain means its working.
Really? I would've thought she would try to get revenge on Starlight and/or Thorax.
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It wasn't exactly a conscious choice . . .
You just find this story?
Ouch. Well, that explains a few things.
Well I'm up to date.
I liked it. I really did. Let me stress that. I've enjoyed it.
You have talent. I've enjoyed the story this far. Keep writing.
But I do have one critique.
The story rushes into Twilights romance with Chrysalis. And it happens too fast. Twilight just... Falls in love. For no reason. Nothing drives it. Nothing happens to cause those feelings to emerge. It's as if the plot demands it, instead of it being the plot. As if somewhere in the outline you had written "From here, twilight begins to call in love with Chrysalis, and she begins to reciprocate." Without first going through the steps.
If you will permit me the view, I think you may have been better served by having Chrysalis feel compelled to assist Twilight, and not unwillingly, then develop her feelings as they work together.I
Twilight is confident she can get her to help. Anne goes full like Skywalker "There is good in her" way too soon. She should be hostile. Angry.
It may have worked best to have Luna forced to *Order* Twilight to work with her. Instead it's Twilight who must persuade her.
Start with them as study buddies (the true way to Twilights heart) as they unlock Celestias coma; something that really ought to be of more urgency. You've been rather inconsistent here. (shes dying slowly. Then she's crashing. Then Twilight goes for a fancy meal?)
You send her straight into assisting Twilight for twilight. Chrysalis selflessly agreed to help. And it doesn't quite work. then Twilight just sort of announced the fact that she's falling for Chrysalis, in her thought processes.
Twilight never seems to blame Chrysalis, never seems to hold her responsible. Shes too open. Too trusting in the early chaoters. And it casts Shining Armour, Cadence and Luna in the role of antagonist even though they are perfectly right. It makes them seem unreasonable.
Twilight needed to understand Chrysalis *first*. Then fall in love with her. Instead the romance comes first. And that doesn't work when two characters have that history. The romance doesn't feel earned. By later chapters that's not an issue. But lots of your readers will have tuned out by then.
With respect, you've written a really good story about what happens when Twilight falls for Chrysalis. With Thorax, Shining Armor, Luna, the Mane 6; all reacting to this. With brilliantly written and great interactions and a great fight scene, and great stakes.
Its not a great story about Twilight Falling in love with Chrysalis.
You missed one important detail: The scenes of Twilight falling in love with Chrysalis. She just... announces... Too herself. That she thinks She's Changed. Why? Nothing precipitated those thoughts. She has no cause. No impetus to believe this.
I love Thorax and his relationship with his mother (I can't wait for when he jokes that Twilight is his step Mom) , I like Chrysalis and her backstory. I like the side characters and the anger and the angst.
But it all revolves around this romance. And it's a romance that I feel we still haven't really *seen*. Just been told its there. We've seen the consequences the fallout, the reprocussions. we've seen characters react to it. And what we've seen is great. But we haven't actually seen the romance. It just happened and we were told that it had happened.
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I agree with all of your points. I had considered the idea of them being forced to work together and then developing a romance, but I decided against it fairly early on. I had intended for them to develop a sort of friendship for each other (that would eventually lead to romance) based on the desperation and solitude brought on by their current situation.
I'm not sure if that idea didn't translate clearly to the page, or if I just flubbed the start of this romance. (Like my personal love life too . . .)
Either way, thanks for your input. It will be invaluable for any future projects that I work on.
I hope you stick around for the rest of the story.
Ah, good bit of a read and now I'm all caught up! Gotta say I'm liking this a lot so far, but similar to what
10589060 said, the last news we've heard from Celestia was that she could literally die at any moment and THEN the dream debacle happened, which was followed by a night of partying and then a day of court and now an adventure. Did Twilight stop caring? Rarity or someone said something along the lines of "You've got to take a break every once in a while, get fresh ideas etc" but it really seems like Twilight would smack someone for saying that as Celestia dies and gets resuscitated in the night with "idk" as the doctor's forecast for being alive. Court is literally irrelevant, aside from appearing normal. But how could anypony live with themself if Celestia died 6 hours into court which was occupying almost everyone who was trying to heal her? Just seems weird. And now they're chasing Chrysalis.
I think where I'm going with this is if Celestia is in this critical of a condition (the point where she has already died for a bit), literally nothing should matter. Ponies shouldn't even think of taking breaks aside from sleeping. An immortal being who has founded the country thousands of years ago and saved the world from evil gods is dying, the only ones who shouldn't be giving their lives to help her I would imagine are anti-god cultists who think she's a dictator or want Equestria to fall for some reason.
I see the importance of everything else that's happening, truly I do. But to me it just doesn't seem important at all in the grand picture. Of course Twilight losing her first love literally 1 night after realizing it would destroy her, but Chrysalis lived (somewhat) just fine on her own for a bit. I think saving her surrogate mother and literal god would take precedence. Keeping Equestria in the dark about the situation makes sense to avoid panic of course, but if hiding the situation means the smartest pony alive is wasting time in court and not helping then I start to disagree.
Anyway I do love this story and my only real gripe is that now I have to wait for chapters lol
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This is good news.
Wait, I'm an idiot...
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Just occurred to me that you meant this for my comment at chapter 8 and I replied to it just now 32 chapters later by getting excited
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It's alright, I have no idea how these replies work anyways . . . *shrug*
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Yeah . . .
As happy as I am with this story, I know there are some major issues with it. This is another big one. Sometimes I slip into a kind of slice of life format between bigger plot points. I mostly just want to try and break up the tension here and there, but it does indeed make for some rather inconsistent plot points.
As I'm so fond of saying, though, thanks for the feedback. It's a little late to fix these things now, but they're something to keep in mind on future projects.
I'm glad to hear your enjoying it. Honetly, the happy readers are a big reason I enjoy working on this so much.
(Real talk, though . . . What did you think of the whole Nightmare arc? Did I do Luna a disservice with that?)
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I liked the Nightmare arc well enough. I think I've seen enough of the role of 2nd place princess Luna being guilty and or reverting to nightmare moon to not consider it a disservice, but I also don't think there was any real service either. Luna played her part in moving the story along. If anything my only concern with Luna is kind of what I mentioned in my big comment, I think she was too focused on hating Chrysalis rather than healing her sister. (But I think that's just my headcanon that Celestia and Luna would literally give up everything [besides the other alicorns] to save each other since even Equestria is a drop in the pond for immortals that could recreate it. I feel like losing each other is the only permanent thing that can happen to them.)
I did like the portrayal of actual Nightmare Moon though, and I did like 'fuck everyone else' Twilight. Both seemed legitimately powerful and it didn't feel like Nightmare Moon lost to a stupid gimmick or anything like that. Also we got awkward make-out scene because of it, so that's a plus.
I'm all caught up now and for the moment all I can say is wow! Has been an exciting read! I shall now start work on my review for you, though it probably won't be done until next week at the earliest thanks to the holidays. I think this will also be a review structured a little differently than my usual, as there is much to go over for such a long story! XD Don't worry, it's plenty of good and some bad. 😁
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I'm looking forward to it!