Rarity
“I just don’t understand how you managed to get yourself so…so…sticky!”
Twilight was seated in Rarity’s boutique, the fashionista darting about as she did all she could to repair Twilight’s ‘utterly, utterly ruined’ mane. The lavender unicorn had shown up on Rarity’s doorstep with the front locks of her mane sticking straight up and curling back as a result of her failed attempt to undo the damage. Rarity had taken one look, screamed nearly as loud as she had when she discovered the terrible secret of the Rainbow Factory (‘They… force… ponies… to… wear… hairnets!’) then yanked the two inside, demanding to be allowed to fix the disaster.
Twilight looked over at Spike, her eyes narrowed as Rarity fussed over her mane. “It might have something to do with a certain formerly-number-one-assistant throwing his bowl of ice cream on top of my head.”
“Spikey-wikey, how could you?!” Rarity whined as she tilted Twilight’s hair back and began to wash it in the sink. Normally she would have suggested going to the spa, but there was simply no way Rarity would allow Twilight out of her home looking as she did.
The baby dragon shot a glare of his own back at Twilight. “It wasn’t my fault! Snips and Snails rushed at me with a stake!”
“It was a stick, Spike, and that is no excuse for attempting to lick me clean!”
Rarity shuddered. “Really Spike…I cannot support clopping like that!” She placed a hoof upon her chest and raised her head nobly. “It is wrong and horrible and…and wrong! It has no place anywhere and you should be ashamed of yourself! It is just so…vile!”
“Now you’re sounding like Big Macintosh,” Twilight muttered as her friend poured shampoo into her mane and used her magic to get a good lather going.
“I am?” Rarity asked in horror.
“Well, the Big Macintosh from Mrs. Cake’s story,” Twilight amended.
Rarity blinked. “I’m afraid you have me at a lost, Twilight. What story?”
Twilight lowered her head. She had come to recognize the signs of ‘impeding doom’ after three days of suffering through it and while she accepted that there was simply no way to avoid the nightmare that was about to be dropped upon her, that didn’t mean she had to deal with all of it. Taking a page out of Cadence’s playbook, Twilight decided to skip foreplay and move right to the orgy.
“Can I just speed things along? I’ve had this conversation at least 13 times already, so I know all the key points.” Before Rarity could answer, Twilight leapt up, soap bubbles still clinging to her mane. “Spike, you be me. I’ll be Rarity.”
“Uh…ok. Let’s see…’Well Rarity, Scootaloo’s story’,” Spike said, trying to put as much annoyance as he could in his voice.
To Rarity’s shock, Twilight turned around and, with skill that would have made her a grand edition to Trixie’s traveling show, nearly perfectly mimicked the white unicorn’s voice (which was difficult…one had to do a Neigh Jersey accent that was buried under a Manehattan accent). “Why, Twilight my dear, whatever do you mean, “Scootaloo’s story”? Do you mean Scootaloo, that rough little filly that is always following Rainbow Dash around?” Twilight tutted. “She would look so beautiful if she simply let herself-“
Spike screwed up his eyes, doing his best to mimic Twilight’s ‘losing it’ face. “Rarity, I don’t want to talk about Scootaloo’s fashion sense! I don’t even want to talk about Scootaloo but I apparently don’t have a choice!” He got down on all fours and began to pace about, letting out grunts of displeasure. “All I wanted was to get some brownies to eat, even though I do that strange thing when I eat them, but every pony I’ve run into wants to tell me about Scootaloo! Now I know that you are in love with Spike, who is the greatest dragon ever and I really should give him a raise-”
Twilight interrupted him, not breaking character. “Why Twilight darling, I simply don’t understand why you didn’t come to me in the first place! I know all about Scootaloo and can help you out! It was a waste of time to chat to those silly ponies when you know that I, Rarity, know the truth about that little pegasus filly. Also, I think you overpay Spike and he should be glad he gets what he gets!”
“Please Rarity, I don’t want to hear anymore stories!” Spike said as Twilight. “Don’t make me call my mother, the terrible Nightmare Moon, and have her do mean things to you!”
Twilight nodded, dashing over to the real Rarity (who was staring at them wondering if they had gotten into Pinkie’s special cupcake frosting). In her normal voice she said. “Now, you play Spike!”
“How about I be Rarity?” the designer said nervously.
“But…I’m Rarity,” Twilight said softly.
“You’re Twilight,” Rarity said, as if she were addressing a foal. “You remember that, right? Twi-light.”
“Then who am I?” Spike asked.
“The Prince of Turtleland for all I care,” Rarity said before turning to address her friend. “Now then, from what I managed to gleam from your ravings…you have been hearing stories about little Scootaloo and now believe I will tell you one.”
“…are you?” Twilight asked softly as Rarity led her back towards the sink.
“Well…I do know a story...but I will only tell it if you want me too.”
Twilight considered Rarity’s offer. “It isn’t crazy, is it?”
“Define crazy,” Rarity said (after Twilight’s little display just moments ago Rarity wanted confirmation of just what her friend considered irrational).
“Are you going to use the story to pitch your book? Or claim that Scootaloo is an alien fighter? Or Princess Celestia in disguise?”
“I see you’ve been talking to Applejack,” Rarity muttered, turning on the table and pouring hot, soapy water along Twilight’s mane, massaging her friend’s scalp as she did so. “Do not worry, my dear, my tale is none of the above.”
~MC~MC~MC~
“I say, Evergreen, what do you know about this young filly that is coming to live with us?” Civil Suit said as he took a sip of his tea. The large pegasus was decked out in a fine three piece suit, his tiny wings made to look all the more smaller by his great bulk. He had always been a large pegasus, which is why he had chosen to make his living as a lawyer instead of working up in the clouds (clouds might be firm for pegasi, but one could still fall through them if they weighed too much…and Civil wasn’t about to give up his fried butter with bacon sandwiches). Luckily for him his mind was just as big as his gut and Civil Suit had become quite rich helping protect innocent ponies in Ponyville from greedy corporations.
His mansion, just on the outskirts of Ponyville, brought all the class and dignity of Manehattan and Canterlot to the small town that had grown on him. He just found them so amusingly rustic (not that he would ever tell them that to their faces).
Evergreen, Civil Suit’s wife, smiled as she trotted over to her husband. True to her name her coat was a brilliant emerald and she never went anywhere without her boa or pearls. “That filly is my niece, Civil. Her mother said that she was having some problems and asked us to watch over her till things calmed down. My dear sister is afraid that my niece might get hurt.”
Civil placed a hoof over his wife’s and smiled. “Well, if she is related to you then I know she will have style and grace-“
“Master Suit, Lady Evergreen,” the family butler (and resident smartass), Wise Crack, called out, standing near the opulate front door, “may I present Miss Scootaloo.”
“Say what!” Scootaloo said with a grin, bursting through the door…and smashing a vase. “Aw…hope that wasn’t expensive, Jeeves.” (If this were a bad sitcom, the laugh track would have played)
“It was priceless,” Civil Suit ground out, staring at the orange filly with dyed purple hair. Scootaloo was wearing hightop horseshoes and a loud yellow/blue/red jacket that was about two sizes to big.
“Oh good, was hopin’ it was worth nothin’!” Scootaloo said with a laugh (which would have been timed to, again, the laugh track). She took a seat next to her Uncle Civil, kicking her feet up. “So, what’s the plan for today? We gonna swim in money? Laugh at the poor?”
“High tea and lessons in culture,” Evergreen said simply.
“…no, seriously.”
“Wow…”
~MC~MC~MC~
“What is the matter, Twilight?” Rarity asked, lifting her friend’s head up so she could begin working a comb through her tangled mane.
“I just…wasn’t expecting that.”
“Expecting what?”
“I don’t know…when you started I thought you were going to tell some highbrow story involving tea and crampets-“
“Crumpets.”
“-whatever. The point is that I wasn’t expecting you to go all ‘rags to riches’, ‘worlds collide’ on me.”
Rarity scoffed. “Well, I suppose that is a bit of a shock, since I am so well cultured and refined. But this is Scootaloo’s story, so who am I to change it? Now then, where was I-“
~MC~MC~MC~
“So…Scootaloo…your mother wasn’t very clear about why you had to come live with us,” Civil Suit said, trying to resist the urge to grab the filly and toss her out of the house. So far she had broken the vase, eaten half of the cookies left out for tea and muddied up the floor with her hooves. He could feel his blood pressure building just staring at her.
Scootaloo ran her hoof along her nose, looking about before wiping the gooey appendage on the armrest of the couch. “Don’t worry, Uncle Civil, I’ll clue you in.” Scootaloo cleared her throat. “Now this is the story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down.” She motioned towards one of the chairs. “And if ya have a minute, sit down and I’ll spill , I'll tell you how I became the princess of a town called Ponyville.”
Evergreen frowned. “You…aren’t a princess.”
“And why are all your sentences rhyming?” Wise Crack asked.
“Just how I roll, Jeeves. Now…” Scootaloo cleared her throat before continuing. “In west Phillydelphia born and raised. On the playground where I spent most of my days. Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school.”
“Rarity…are you…rapping?”
Scootaloo continued with her story (which was clearly not a rap but a narrative with lyrical undertones). “When a couple of guys, they were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighborhood! I got in one little fight and my mom had her fill, and said "You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Ponyville!"
“Well…that was…interesting,” Civil Suit stated (while Scootaloo continued to beat box). “Now, I will warn you Rarity that I am a respected lawyer and I expect you to behave like a cultured mare and not like some two bit hood.”
“Uh, Rarity…don’t you mean Scootaloo?”
“Of course Twilight. That is what I said.”
“You said your name.”
“I assure you I did not!”
“Now then, Scootaloo,” Civil Suit said, continuing his lecture. “You are not in Phillydelphia anymore. You are in Ponyville and will behave like a proper unicorn! I will admit it would be humorous to see you, a streetwise tough, interacting with my rich and proper family…might even last a few seasons (seasons of course referring to winter to spring to summer to fall) however-”
“Rarity, Scootaloo isn’t a unicorn…”
~MC~MC~MC~
Rarity sniffed, falling back onto the chair she had summoned from her living room. “Oh Twilight, you caught me! I thought I could fool you but it is clear that I could not! Oh, how I-“
(Author’s Note: Yeah… this goes on for like… another 6 minutes. So we are just going to skip ahead, ok? Hey, why don’t you read the newest chapter of Darth Link's 'Families''? I'll wait.)
…
…
…
(Back? Good, now back to your crappy parody chapter)
“Are you better now?” Twilight asked, taking the now empty bottle of water she had given Rarity. “Think you can tell us what has you so upset?”
“Twilight… I don’t know anything about Scootaloo. I just wanted to be part of the fun. I am always left out and didn’t want you thinking I was a stick in the mud.”
“Rarity, I would never think that.”
“Me neither!” Spike said. “You’re the best.”
“Thank you both.”
Twilight wrapped a hoof around Rarity's shoulder. “But where did you come up with that crazy story? And why were you constantly getting confused and using your name?”
“Well…that story is…my secret origin.” And with that, Rarity dropped her cultured accent. “I be a stone cold baller, yo.” Twilight and Spike just stared in shock. “I grew up on the mean streets, cappin’ fools like it ain’t no thang.” Rarity’s horn glowed and Twilight could only gasp as the fashionista’s entire appearance changed: her body was now bright orange, like she had rolled in a pile of Cheetos, and her mane was frizzy and poofed up. Gaudy rings and jewelry floated over to her as she transformed herself into a true Neigh Jersey girl. “Now that’s I let ya know the truth, cuz, I can be my real self! I’s so glad I don’t need to pretend to be that stuck up bitch, homes. Yo Twi-bright, ya want to hit the club, maybe get our drink on? I’s just got to GTL and I’ll be set.”
Twilight slowly backed away in terror. It was like she was trapped in a horror novel where everyone had been replaced by pod ponies (‘Hmmm, maybe Scootaloo is a pod-No Twilight, focus on saving yourself!’)
“That….sounds super, Rarity, but I really need to go…I need to wash my mane tonight.” She ran a hoof through her already washed mane.
Rarity scoffed. “That be trippin’. Hey Spikey, you want to Smooze?”
“What’s smooze?” Spike asked. Rarity leaned over and whispered in his ear, the dragon’s eyes going wide. “Oh…oh Celestia…No…no no no! That’s not even physically possible! Why would you put that there?!?!” Spike scrambled onto Twilight’s back. “TRANSPORT US! DO IT NOW!”
The lavender unicorn and the baby dragon popped out of Rarity’s house.
“Oh, you were right, that was funny!” Rarity said, her normal accent firmly in place. Her horn flashed and the camouflage spell faded, revealing that all the changes had merely been an illusion.
“I told you!” Pinkie Pie giggled, bursting out of the cupboard she had been hiding in.
“I must say, I really should engage in these ‘pranks’ more often… they fit my natural acting talent quite well.” Rarity looked over the jewelry she was wearing, placing it in a box to be returned to her mother later. “Remind me to thank my cousin Vinyl for sending us that camouflage spell so quickly… and for the tips on slang. Now then…should we try this on Applejack next?”
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The Rarity chapter. Aka the Chapter that almost killed me.
I rewrote this...3 times? 4? I honestly don't know anymore.
The problem is that, it being Rarity, it is hard to figure out what her origin story would be. I started with her telling one about Scootaloo coming from a poor family and being beaten, but Rarity is more focused on the husband wearing a wife beater than being a wife beater. But that was too similar to the Little Matchstick Girl story. So then I considered doing a Witness Protection Story, but ran dry on that. So finally I came up with Fresh Prince of Bel Air...and rewrote that several times to get it right.
Remember how painful this chapter was when you read the next one, Discord... then you'll understand my headspace.
@_@ Raritroll! HOW RARITROLL?!? WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN *falls over* x_x
This is genius
Discord on Monday? Oh dear lord.
Wasn't expecting the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Nice.
Question: Are we ever going to learn her real Secret Origin?
1358550
As I have informed others, yes.
I love this! A nice simple hilarious chapter. No craziness, no loss of sanity, just a cute prank.
Keep up the great work!
1358597
As someone else already mentioned, the Mane 6 are the least insane of the storyteller. Spike was telling Twilight a rumor he heard, Pinkie pranked her, Fluttershy said right away her story wasn't real, Applejack had heard rumors and present logical arguments for why her's could be true, and now Rarity also pulled a prank on Twilight.
I can not believe what I just read. It all just fit together so smoothly, and the timing was perfect.
That backstory totally fits Rarity for parody's. It was just perfect, and the continuation of the pranking gambit gave you bonus points.
static.fjcdn.com/pictures/I_7f9381_805117.jpg
Oh damn you! Now I have the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song stuck in my head........dammit............
I....I Love You.
1358609
And that makes sense, which is why it's so awesome. Every side characters done lost they shit, but our favorite ponies are either just wrong or trolls.
1358568
I presume one of two things will happen.
It will be the last chapter, and will be somewhat anti-climactic just to show how ridiculous this all was.
You'll go the Y: The Last Man route, "The answer was one of them, but I won't tell you which one."
Oh no not Discord!
big finale she's a chicken
Oh dear.
This is somewhat embarrassing, but I must admit that Rarity actually had me going for a minute there too!
*snickers* Twi and Spikes banter as "Rarity and Twilight" was brilliant!
1358699
Been there, done that, Doctor Whooves got the t-shirt
Freaking priceless.
Excellent indeed.
really the fresh prince of Bel Air
1358462 oh dear lord not Jersey's
gaaaahhhhh!!!! Ruun for your lives the jerseys are coming
t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRTiUzd5F2WPRRQdCYUQEDWEZeeZPn2ehnTVStI7BM3M8ULcVKy
Snookie wants smoosh smoosh
1358691
Oh yes, be afraid. The Discord chapter is what happens when i literally turn off all my control systems just decide to go full throttle. Half of you will love the insanity and think it is the best thing I wrote. The other half will hate it.
“That filly is my niece, Civil. Her mother said that she was having some problems and asked us to watch over her till things calmed down. My dear sister is afraid that my niece might get hurt.”
I thought right there, "OMG, he's going to do a Fresh Prince chapter."
And it was.
And then Rarity.
And then Pinkie.
Good stuff.
I got a crazy idea, you need a "Queen Chrysalis chapter" I'm sure Twilight would just love to sit around an listen to the being that enslaved her brother, imprisoned and impersonated her foalsitter, and nearly enslaved all of ponykind.
The end of this chapter:
Discord being next:
1358786 Ahh!
I'm not sure if I want Twilight to find out Scootaloo's real origin story when Twilight finally asks her. I have this feeling that Scoot will just make up her own origin story, too. Most likely something to do with Rainbow Dash. Definitely looking forward to more chapters.
Fresh Prince of Ponyville, huh. Didn't see that coming.
Gz on feature! Love the story. At least some of them. I guess that's the idea here. Something for everyone, huh?
not commenting. too incoherent from laughter
...
I'm going to have to keep following this now aren't I?
You did a good job.
That should be "addition"
Ok, I am going to be runnin a betting pool here- I have 10 bucks on the end being that Scoots says its all of them un some weird way. and I am waiting for anybody to take up bets on that Scoot will just say I was born and that will be it...Any takers?
I lost it at "I be a stone-cold baller, yo!"
This was pretty funny, and I loved the Fresh Prince parody. However, I would like to see you return to the story's roots, perhaps not be so focused on parodying TV and movies. I liked it better then (though I suspect I might be the only one).
From the minute Scootaloo entered the scene I knew what this was, and was waiting for the Scoots version of the Fresh Prince theme song.
You did not disappoint.
I was reading this at work. Almost piss my self when ahe said, I ma strait up balla yoLOL
Fresh Prince. Wow. That was awesome!
My theory: she is actually a Maverick by the name of Sting Chameleon who was given asylum by Celestia from Sigma for betraying his base's location to the Maverick Hunters.
another interesting chapter
can't wait for discord's chapter
but wasn't discord third from last
or maybe i misread something....
oh well
still a good chapter
What's smooz?
1359029
What are you talking about? The first chapter was a parody of Lifetime movies, the second made fun of Burn Notice and The Emperor's New Groove, Pinkie's was about Superman...this entire story has been parodies of movies and TV and books.
1359144
Originally he was, but now the order goes: Discord, Zecora, Soarin', Rainbow Dash, Princess Celestia, and Scootaloo.
WHAT DOES TWILIGHT DO WHEN SHE EATS BROWNIES I WANNA KNOW!
1359184 glad to hear; this story is good to end just yet
...okay, my head!cannon now includes Vinyl being Rarity's cousin...which makes Hoity Toity and Photo Finish her Aunt and Uncle....
My head!cannon may need some adjustments...
Also, I just loved the idea that it was Rarity's secret origin she was actually telling. If her "true" self wasn't so...-shudder- I would have loved for that to be true.
now that I think about it, though...this chapter makes Rarity out as a real bitch. She can obviously see Twilight(and Spike) are going mad, and yet she still freaks Twilight out and traumatizes her poor Spikey-wikey. She really needs to make that up to them.
Oh, Rarity.
And then Spike's feelings for Rarity died that day, and decided to live in the Library's basement for the rest of his life allways fearing cetain product that helps Princess Molestia, and Cadance to "prepare ones anus", is bad enougt that everypony think of him as a werevampire, now that prank killed any kind of dreams about Rarity and replaced them with Nightmares...
Well, Imust suspect that Discord's story will be the only one that actually makes more sense and is the closest one to the real stoy
1359316
Ah, but the fact that you thought of that means it won't happen!
I actually came up with a story idea, maybe I'll write it at some point, which is an alternate version of "Return of Harmony" that has the girls discording Discord by pointing out all the tropes he is using ("Oh look, he is separating us! And now he will break the cutie! Gee, and he caused ponies to go nuts, no one saw that coming") and he ends up slinking off all sad when he realizes that the problem with being the spirit of chaos is you can only play the trick once.
Wow her accent compared to her parents and sister's, the way she can fight, her head bob when she talks, I think there is some truth to rarity being the fresh princess of ponyville
Now this is my new head canon how could you 
Dude, ponies don't eat meat.