Lyra Has been chosen far before she was born to be the one to carry the heavy task of changing the world by bringing back a being lost to time. But when she does will it be for the betterment of the world, or will it be a disaster waiting to happen. Join her on her quest to prove the things she knows are not a sign of insanity but the truth.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This looks promising. If you need an editor/proof-reader, let me know.
This needs a lot of work. For one thing you need to seperate the pats where they're talking or thinking something from your discrption of events. You also REALLY need to work on your show vs tell. In most of this your telling me what happened and adding bits of detail instead of painting a picture with words in the mind of the reader. Not to mention the story just feels rushed sinse your moving events along too fast. There's more but I'm sure that's more then enough to start working on as it is so I'll stop here. I still sopport that you even bothered to attempt writing at all and its obvious you at least tried. Good luck brony.
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Ok thank you very much i enjoy the criticism. I see what your saying. I knew it needed something and now i know. I'll revise the story and see what i can do.
Seems like this is going to be a good story... so far I like it!
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Will do. If i need any help i'll let you know.
I tried a different way of writing on the newest chapter. Let me know if you like that way better.
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Rip the Story!