• Published 7th Aug 2020
  • 1,467 Views, 42 Comments

Getting Cozy With Diamond - deadpansnarker



You know Cozy Glow. Irredeemable villainess, insane filly, terrible hair. If all those things are true though, why has a certain reformed tiaraed bully suddenly made it her life's mission to help the petrified pest?

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Chapter 1: Off to Canterlot Castle

“Rarity, please. It’s only my coronation in a week, not my wedding. T-That’s just a phrase by the way, don’t start spreading any strange rumours around, please. You know what those gossip rags are like.”

“ ‘Only her coronation’ she says...! Spike, could you inform your fidgety friend that this is a historic occasion, a hoofnote in time for all those lucky enough to attend. Why, years from now, ponies and other assorted creatures from nations all across Equestria will look back on this blessed day and say they were here, and how could they forget such a wonderful dress…”

“Erm, think maybe I’ll stay outta this one Rares. I might be Twilight’s chief advisor, but officially my job doesn’t start until the crown is on her royal head. Until then, think I’ll just hang around the sidelines as inconspicuously as possible: reading comics, eating gems, not pointing out that this seems a thinly-veiled attempt to drum up business for your boutique… oops.”

“Hmph! Men. What would they know about top-end fashion, or the way advertising works?” Rarity took a second to cast the sheepish dragon a withering glance, before she returned to her fitting. “It’s only fair that if I create a sartorial masterwork that gets all the glitterati swooning, I should benefit somewhat from the fruits of my labours. Wouldn’t you agree Twil… oh do hold still you silly alicorn! If you move one more inch, this bodice will tear ever-so-slightly in the middle, and then we really will be in trouble…!”

“Bodice? Top-end fashion?? Sartorial masterwork??! Whatever happened to my request for just a simple silken evening gown, Rarity?” Twilight frowned at the unicorn’s overambition, whilst doing her best impression of a motionless wax figure. “You didn’t have to go to this much trouble, surely.”

“Your request was duly considered and rejected with extreme prejudice, dear. And I do have to go the extra furlong to see you looking your best for the big day. You’ll thank me later, believe me. Now, breathe in deeply as if you’re wearing a corset: that’s good. If I staple this piece of cloth here, it should allow for the flowing effect I’m looking for as you gracefully float across the stage to accept the throne…”

A very animated Rarity went on to discuss her intricate proposition at great length, whilst Spike shot Twilight sympathetic looks from his comic book and the Princess just wanted the fitting to be over already.

Why oh why did I let her talk me into this? What’s even worse is the torture isn’t even half over yet. I’ve got dessert taste-testing with Pinkie Pie, that’ll probably escalate into a custard pie fight again. Next, I have to choose which of Applejack’s many kinds of apples I want for the main course, won’t that be a gas. Then, Fluttershy needs me to pick out specific outfits for her birdie friends, Rainbow Dash wants to demonstrate how she’ll keep the skies clear at this most ‘magical’ of events: if I’m not careful, I’ll crack long before I even become ruler. Celestia, Luna: I’m so sorry I ever thought your job was easy.

In the midst of her remorseful soliloquy, Twilight failed to spot the messenger stallion arrive in the great hall until he started speaking. “Ma’am, sorry to disturb you in the middle of your important preparations, but we have just received a special guest who has asked to speak to you regarding a matter of the utmost urgency. If this isn’t a good time, I could always get them to come back later…”

No! S-Sorry, what I meant was, it’s fine.” Twilight breathed a sigh of relief at the prospect of a temporary escape from her prison of fabric and needles, but she didn’t want to hurt her unicorn friend’s feelings. “Apologies Rarity, but duty calls! I’ll be back as soon as I’ve dealt with our guest, in the meantime feel free to ring the bell if you need any refreshments or soforth.”

“Well, a more cooperative model would be a start, but I suppose we shouldn’t expect miracles.” Rarity wasn’t usually this brazenly snooty, but being interrupted when she was on the verge of a ‘breakthrough’ in design was enough to test her patience considerably. “Don’t mind me, dear. You go and have fun with whoever-it-is. I’ll be here, tape-measure and pins in hoof, patiently waiting your return like the good friend and true professional I am. Don’t hurry back on my account, please.”

Twilight was about to open her mouth to reassure the grumpy unicorn of her commitment to complete the process later, but Spike gently guided her away from the now empty expanse of material. “It’s okay, Twi. If I know Rarity, she’ll sulk for a little while and then take care of the stuff she couldn’t do with you around to ‘bother’ her. You know, like the frills, the lining, the extra-long train…”

Gah! Give me a break Spike, or you may talk me into not returning at all!” Twilight would’ve facehoofed there and then, if it wasn’t so improper in the presence of one of her official messengers. “So anyway, who is this ‘special guest’ and what do they want? If it’s a friendship problem, I’m their mare! I want everycreature to know, just because I’ll hold high office in the near future, it doesn’t mean I’ll stop…”

“Actually no, Princess.” The messenger unwittingly shot down Twilight’s declaration of humbleness, to the clear amusement of a chuckling Spike. “It’s Filthy Rich, accompanied by his daughter Diamond Tiara. Usually, with such a major announcement on the horizon I’d tell them to go away, but he is a major sponsor for the festivities and he seemed quite insistent.”

Filthy Rich, what could he possibly want? He usually only has dealings with Applejack, of a business-related nature. And isn’t his filly that spoiled brat who visited my treehouse library once, and then rudely accused me of dying my tail? Although, I hear she’s been behaving a lot better of late, and even made friends with the Crusaders. In any case, what could they possibly need from me? I suppose there’s only one way to find out…

“Send them in!” Twilight summoned up all the gravitos and dignity she could muster, whilst still itching all over from the clingy dress. “Spike, you might as well stay. It’d be good practice for when you’re helping me deal with others problems on a day-to-day basis, not just when you’ve reached a boring part in your ‘Return Of The Power Ponies’ literature.”

“Oh, darn it! Just when I was about to ask for permission to… I-I mean, definitely Twi. Even if it is something as ‘fascinating’ as tax returns or opening up a new franchise, I’m sure all of us will learn something from the experience!” The sarcasm that oozed from Spike’s lips wasn’t lost on the smirking alicorn, but if she was going to suffer through this, he was going to be right by her side.

“Good, Spike. Now you’re finally starting to get it! Having responsibility isn’t just about wielding power and feeling important, a lot of it is handling matters which you’ll probably find tedious or a waste of your time. Nevertheless, they must be done. I promise it’ll be over soon: just as long as you smile a lot, look them dead in the eye and nod your head enthusiastically at the end of every sentence, they’ll never catch on that you might be less-than-interested at what they’re saying…”

“You mean… like this?” Spike then demonstrated a perfect example of the movements that Twilight had been describing.

“Excellent, Spike! Just keep that up, and you’ll get through any meetings with blustering bureaucrats with ease! Anycreature would think you’d done this sort of thing before…”

“But I have, Twi! Many times, in fact!”

“Huh? What are you talking about, Spike?”

“Well, you know how I always seemed so absorbed when listening to one of your extended Friendship Lectures?”

“Y-Yes?”

“W-Well, that might’ve been a tad misleading.”

“You mean to tell me… all this time…”

“Yep. Sorry, Twi. And while I’m in full confession mood, I taught Starlight the ‘tricks of the trade’ too.”

“...Really. It’s all starting to make sense now. I did think it was a bit bizarre that somecreature besides me could get so excited about my speculative metaphor of how friendship was like painting a fence s-l-o-w-l-y.”

“W-What are you gonna do? Send me to my room? Tell me off? I would say dock my pay, but I don’t earn anything anyway, so…”

“Spike, it’s fine. I’m just glad you told me, and as Applejack always says ‘Honesty Is The Best Policy.’ I can’t really do her accent, but you know what I mean.”

“Indeed I do.” Having already been invited, Filthy Rich stepped inside the Great Hall at this juncture, accidentally catching the end of the conversation whilst doing so. “She’s a fine mare that one, the hardest of workers and a great lineage to hoof. But in the spirit of truthfulness, I’m afraid I’m not the one who wanted to talk to you today. You see, my daughter thought if she came on her own you’d never…”

“It’s okay Daddy, I can take it from here.” A deadly serious Diamond Tiara followed her father through the big double doors a few seconds later, her steely eyes not betraying a hint of nervousness. “Princess Twilight, I know how busy your schedule must be today, so I’ll cut to the chase. It’s about the statue in the garden out back…”

Author's Note:

Well, that's it for now. To see how it all turns out, please continue to tune in. I promise you won't be lacking for drama, whatever happens next. :scootangel: