Princess Abstinence
Episode 3
Princess Abstinence
“I’m Snails!”
“I’m Snips!”
“I’m Spike and this Guy Talk where we objectify females in a society dominated them for the sake of entertainment, along with our producer and the female voice of Guy Talk, Vinyl Scratch.”
“Sup’ Equestria.”
“Sup’ indeed. We’re here with a very special guest today whom I’ve known for a very long time. He’s the captain of the royal guard and Twilight’s big brother. I’d like to welcome our very first guest to the show, Shining Armor.”
“It’s great to be here, Spike. Thanks for having me on.”
“So you’re married to Princess Cadence, right? I‘m just going to jump into it and ask what everyone is thinking. How is she in the sack?” Snips asked quickly. Spike slapped his palm against his face in frustration.
“I’m sorry, but I wasn’t thinking that at all.”
“I was.” Snails chimed.
“Me too.” Vinyl Scratch announced. Spike looked up and shook his head.
“Ugh, I apologize for them. They’re always like this.”
“It’s okay, Spike. I actually get asked that a lot. Some of the guards asked me all the time after the honeymoon.”
“Hold on a second! You waited til after you were married to have sex?”
“That’s right, Snails. We practiced abstinence so it would mean more when we got married.”
“Weren’t you guys dating for years?” Spike asked.
“Yep and it was totally worth it!”
“Really?” Snips asked suspiciously.
“What are you getting at, Snips?” Spike looked at his friend wondering why he didn’t believe him.
“He’s telling us that he dated one of the hottest ponies ever and that you didn’t once during years of dating want to have sex. I don’t buy it.”
“I mean of course there were times when I wanted to take things further, but Cadence always made sure we stayed true to our vow.”
“Sounds more like it was her vow.” Snips said.
“Come on, Snips. It’s something they both agreed on.” Spike argued.
“Did she at least do anal?”
“Snips, that‘s none of your business!”
“How about a blowjob?”
“Snails, I really don’t think that’s appropriate!”
“A hoof job, at least.”
“Vinyl! I’m really sorry about this, Shining Armor. You don’t have to answer them.”
“No, she really didn’t do any of that stuff.” Shining Armor answered dejectedly.
“I’m assuming things must have been difficult for you. I mean it wouldn’t take much to get excited around a pony like Princess Cadence.” Snips nodded sagely.
“Well, it did get hard sometimes.” Shining Armor said.
“I’ll bet it did.” Vinyl Scratch said suggestively.
“Please refrain from hitting on the married stallion, Scratch.” Spike chastised his producer for her lascivious comment.
“Aww, I’m just joking, Spike. By the way, I’m not a big fan of abstinence either, big bro.” Vinyl Scratch winked at the stallion causing him to blush.
“It sounds like this whole abstinence idea was something she came up with.” Snails pointed out.
“I mean she brought it up and I agreed to it because I liked her so much. I thought it would be easy at first. It turns out I was wrong.”
“So let’s say you two are making out and something comes up. What happens next?” Snips posited.
“She’d…. turn her head and ask me to go take care of it.” He admitted rather ashamed of the memories.
“Really?” Snails looked at him incredulously.
“Okay, I got to admit that does sound kind of sad.” Spike added.
“Ouch! I mean that’s tough, buddy. I just got one last question. When Chrysalis was controlling your mind, did she at least try to touch you once in a while? Because Princess Cadence has been doing it for years and she certainly didn’t.”
“Alright, Snips! I think that’s enough! Don‘t listen to him, Shining Armor. Snips is a very special colt. He just tends to rant sometimes.” Spike said trying to dismiss his friend’s words as mindless ramblings.
“No, it’s all true. She’s been manipulating me for years with that stupid vow.” The stallion shook his head and looked down angrily.
“Hey, you said it was all worth it. Remember? You told us it meant more because you waited.”
“How was I supposed to know the difference? She barely touched me in the first place!”
“Oookay, I think we should all just take a moment to just sit back and remember how much we love and treasure the ponies in our lives. Let’s move on to our viewer question while we do that. Guys, please start the countdown to the question of the day.” Spike said trying to take his mind off the current topic.
“I thought you hated that.” Snails said.
“Just do it already!”
“Three!”
“Two!”
“One! It’s the question of the day!” Snips and Snails announced.
“Alright, you’re going to love this Shining Armor. I’m sure of it! What’s the question of the day, Scratch?” The stallion only grumbled at Spike’s statement.
“Umm… I don’t think this question is really appropriate.” Vinyl Scratch commented as she read
the card to herself.
“It’s fine, Scratch. Just read the letter.”
“I should just go get another letter. It’ll only take a minute.”
“We don’t have a minute. Please read the question.” Spike urged the mare.
“Okay, you asked for it. HungryPony writes, ‘who do you think is hotter? Celestia, Luna or Cadence.’ ” Spike instantly slammed his palms to his face as the question was read aloud.
“Oooh! I like that one.” Snails said.
“Me too! A great question from HungryPony.” Snips stated.
“Let’s pick another one. I mean his name is HungryPony! What parents name their foal, HungryPony? It sounds so made up. Let‘s move on.”
“I like it!” Shining Armor announced.
“You do?” Spike asked not liking this one bit.
“Yeah, I think it’s an excellent topic. Mind if I go first, fellas?”
“Go ahead.” Snails said happily.
“I don’t mind at all.” Snips added.
“Actually, I’d like to just say before we start that I think Cadence is absolutely wonderful. She’s kind, intelligent, and just an all around great pony. I think everypony at this table should agree with me when I say that Cadence is definitely wonderful.” Spike looked at his friends hoping they’d get the heavily, implied hint.
“Yeah, he asked who’s the hottest, Spike. Cadence’s being wonderful doesn’t mean anything. Right, Snips?”
“Exactly, Snails. This isn’t a most wonderful personality contest. Go ahead, Shining Armor. Who‘s your pick?”
“Glad you asked, Snips. I choose-” Before the stallion could answer though a pink flash popped into the recording room landing on the table.
“Princess Cadence!” Snips, Snails, And Spike shouted as the princess stood above them.
“Well, look who decided to show up. She’s probably going to tell me who to pick. Can I make at least one decision without you butting in?” Shining Armor said derisively as his wife appeared before him.
“I heard everything, Shining Armor. Do you honestly believe that I made that promise for myself? I made it for us, my darling.” Cadence stepped down to confront him.
“Is that why you made me leave the room every time I got an erection? Is that why you looked away whenever it happened? Do you have any idea how that felt back then?” He asked angrily.
“Better than you think, my love. I had urges too. I only did those things because I was tempted as well.”
“Really?”
“Remember our honeymoon? How anxious I was to consummate our relationship?” Princess Cadence said invoking memories that made the soldier smile.
“Do I! You practically tackled me to the ground when I opened the door to the suite. Oh Cadence, I‘ve been so foolish! Can you ever forgive me?” Shining Armor asked.
“Only if you promise to keep me company tonight, my brave soldier.” The alicorn said nuzzling her lover’s neck.
“You got it, your highness.”
“What’s wrong, Snips? Your face is all red.” Spike asked the colt who was staring down at the table.
“I saw it.” The colt’s head still looking down at the table.
“Saw what?” Snails wondered aloud.
“When Princess Cadence teleported onto the table, I could see directly under her tail.”
“What?” Cadence shouted in shock.
“Why are you blushing though?” The dragon looked at his friends flushed cheeks.
“Something came up.” Snips said directing his gaze towards his lap.
“That‘s pretty impressive, Snips. It took me years to see that from Cadence.” His wife shot him a glare that silenced the laughing guard.
“Well, I think we can pretty much guess who‘s Snips‘ favorite princess is now. How about you, Snails?”
“Celestia all the way.”
“I‘m more of Luna guy, myself. I assume Shining Armor‘s choice is Cadence.”
“Yep!”
“Guys, we’re running out of time.” Vinyl Scratch announced.
“It‘s probably a good time to end here. I‘m not exactly comfortable sitting at a table with Snips right now. You okay, pal?”
“Yeah, I’m doing great.” Snips said momentarily making eye contact with the embarrassed princess causing the both of them to quickly look away. Shining Armor chuckled at the sight earning him another death stare from Cadence.
“I’d like to thank and apologize to everyone who listened to this episode. I’d like to thank our special guests, Shining Armor and Princess Cadence, for coming on today. This Guy Talk is brought to you by Sugarcube Corner where the sweetest treat is just around the corner. Goodnight, Equestria!”
A/N: If you have a question or guest, you want to appear on the show just pm me (or leave a really nice review). I'll try to make it happen.
Stats
Page generated in 0.038 seconds
Total duration
920 users online
1,391,987 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Ok guest should be... Lets have Twilight and the question is has she ever wanted to "Cool down" her needs when ever Spike is around.
The way you write always makes me read this as if it really is a radio talk show. Well done and cant wait for the next broadcast...ergh i mean chapter
my call would be this. Suddenly Nightmare Moon, Discord and Chrysalis were turned into normal mares, you have to buck one, marry one, kill one. GO!
/edit just realized i made the same joke in both my comments. Had forgotten i had posted on this and i guess my repertoire of jokes is fairly small. I will do better next chapter :P
I'm your sole dislike right now due to obvious mistake in chapter 1 thatbyou or the admin should have caught before it posted. That is unless repeating is normal in script format that isn't even allowed to be posted.
Will read again if fixed since u gotbthe characters right
1252302
a helpful tool in pointing out a mistake in a chapter is to copy said mistake and paste it in your reply so the author can fix it.
1252376
Using kindle so I can't
Plus as a author myself I put others under the standard of reading the. Story chapters themseleves once on the site to confirm all.
Hence why most of mine are changed when I post the next chapter if no one pointed it out directly
It is extremely scarce that a work of fiction so supremely brilliant and insightful comes along that you come away from it with an enlightened perspective on yourself and the world around you. This is one such masterpiece. Vinyl's irreverent wit, Snips and Snails' tactlessness, and Spike's dry remarks bounce off one another with such panache and literary skill that my mind is stimulated to the equivalent of watching a Shakespearian play, two baseball games, and three chess matches all at the same time, all played/performed by clones of Chuck Norris (with David Tennant as Hamlet). Truly the level of talent behind such an enriching experience cannot be contained to the online medium. Very soon, I expect to see your name on a ten thousand word epic on the shelves of every Barnes & Noble in the western hemisphere.
Guest: Trixie
Quirk: Behind her stage persona, she is a very sweet and friendly pony who thinks Spike is absolutely adorable.
Snips is one lucky colt.
1252376 okay very well. Most of my dislike hate is due to none of you pointing this out:
(Snails: I’m going with Bon Bon. She’s just a bit better than Lyra.
Snips: It’s Lyra all the way and I’m going to tell you why you’re wrong. Lyra’s the total package. Nice flank, beautiful smile, and those legs. I could go on, but we only have so much time.
"I'm going with Bon Bon. She's just a bit better than Lyra." Snails said."It's Lyra all the way and I'm going to tell you why you're wrong. Lyra's the total package. Nice flank, beautiful smile, and those legs. I could go on, but we only have so much time." Snips said correcting his friend.)
No one saw an issue here?
1253402
I wrote it and I still don't see it. Mind pointing it out to me?
1252462
You sir, have just cut in line in front of everyone else. I'm working on your idea right now.
1253640 Homer Simpson: WOOHOO!
And all I had to do was make something u-- I MEAN ... be completely honest.
And honestly, I'm even more excited for the next chapter now than I was before.
1253634
okay so it was intentional. so why exactly do Snips and snails say the EXACT same thing to each other twice? Let alone in two different ways, one of which isn't supposed to be allowed to be posted on the site unless they were reading from a script in story. That aside the second time they used it wasn't spaced well. It makes it seem like Snails said all that until you get to the end of that sentence.
It wasn't intentional. I had originally posted the entire thing in script form and it failed moderation. I just forgot to delete the script portion when I rewrote that part. I edited it again so it's a bit better.
My god this just gets better and better. I swear, I'm going to legit piss myself from laughing after reading this.
Bribery's great, ain't it?
i choose twilight sparkle