Return of the Scratch
Guy Talk
Return of the Scratch
Episode 14
"I'm Snips."
"I'm Snails."
"And I'm-"
"Vinyl Scratch is back and ready to rock, Equestria! If you missed Princess Scratch, give me a hay yeah!"
"Hay yeah!" Snips and Snails shouted.
"What was that? Put some feeling into it, guys!"
"HAY YEAH!" The colts shouted at the top their lungs.
"That's better, but I think someone out there isn't participating." She said looking at a very crossed dragon.
"Do it with us, Spike!" Snails said.
"Yeah, join in for once!" Snips added.
"I'm glad you're back, but maybe dial it back a bit. Weren't you really sick a week ago?"
"No way! I'm super pumped to be back. Besides, I'm happy to be out of the house. My better half has been on a bit of a rampage recently."
"She's still mad at us, huh?" Snips chuckled.
"You mean those 'vile little delinquents who are a bad influence on me'."
"We're a bad influence on you?" Spike said unable to wrap his head around the idea.
"Yeah, I think that's the first time she said that about anyone."
"Does she hate us?" Snails asked.
"Octavia? She doesn't hate anyone, especially you guys. She'd never admit it, but she had a lot of fun."
"How would you know?" Spike wondered aloud.
"Because of the way she turns her head."
"Huh?" The trio said confused by her answer.
"It's like this. You know how she turns her head when she's all offended and stuff, right?"
"Yeah, I could totally see her doing that a lot." Snips said.
"Sometimes, she fakes it."
"Fakes it? Why would she do that?" Snails asked.
"She can't just straight up enjoy something if it's not all prim and proper so she'll turn her head away and act all disgusted. However, there are times when she turns her head further than others because she's actually smiling and doesn't want to show it."
"Wow! How do you know that?" Spike wondered.
"Yep, she does the same thing when she talks about you guys and when we do some of those things she supposedly 'hates' in bed. So how are things between you and Apple Bloom? I heard there was trouble in paradise."
"Everything's cool now. We're just not going to get wrapped up when we kiss. We've got rules so I don't get too excited."
"Rules for kissing?" Snails said slightly confused.
"I swear you two have the most boring relationship ever." Snips yawned.
"I'm sorry if Apple Bloom and I aren't hopping into the sack fast enough for you. Our relationship means more than a quick romp." The colt just waved off his words.
"I'm not saying bang her and leave, just do it already instead of dancing around it. She wants it and you definitely want it. It's only as big of a deal as you make it."
"What are these rules?" Scratch asked.
"No touching or hugging while kissing. No kisses that last more than five seconds. Three if there's tongue involved. A session lasts no more than three minutes at a time. Also thirty minutes has to pass before each session."
"Really?" Snips cocked an eyebrow at the dragon.
"What's wrong with that? We've tried it and it works perfectly."
"That's because you took all the fun out of it. How about you just kiss and the next time you get an erection she just gives you a little hoof action?" Snips made an obscene stroking gesture in the air.
"We talked about it, but it just seems awkward."
"Is it anymore awkward than following rules for kissing?" Scratch asked.
"Yes, I mean it just sounds weird to have her touch me while I just sit there."
"If it'd make things easier, why don't you do her in return?" Scratch proposed causing Spike to blush.
"What? That's way too much." Spike said nervously.
"Come on, Spike. It has to be better than rules. And she's going to touch it someday?" Snails told him.
"I don't know. It just seems awkward. How would we even do it?" Spike said fiddling with his claws.
"It's awkward for everyone their first time around." Scratch explained.
"Oh, I wouldn't say that. I took to it naturally." Snips bragged.
"Yeah right! That's not what Lucy said." Snails reminded him.
"She was just saying that cause I dumped her. I was like the greatest lover ever."
"Yeah, I actually wanted to ask you about that night. They recently sent us a bill for damages to one of their rooms. A broken massage table, several bottles of expensive massage oil, and the cleaning of the jacuzzi."
"Please tell me you didn't have sex in a jacuzzi?" Spike said massaging his temples.
"Hey, it was on my bucket list! Until you've had a stream of bubbles tickling your butthole while you ram a filly over the side of a giant tub, you haven't lived."
"Ugh! I did not need to hear that." Spike said disgusted by every part of that statement.
"What about you then?" Snips asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Where would you want to have sex if you could?" Snips asked.
"I don't know. A bed?" Spike answered.
"Boring! How about you, Snails?"
"Well, it's kind of weird, but I always wanted to have sex... in... a classroom."
"Really? That's kind of freaky for you, Snails. What's the deal?" Scratch looked at the colt with newfound fascination.
"I don't know. It's just that I'm always so bored that sometimes I start daydreaming in class and I always dream about where I am so most of fantasies take place in class."
"So who are you getting down and dirty with in the middle of class?" She asked anxious to know.
"I bet it's Miss Cheerilee. You're totally having sex dreams with our teacher!" Snipg guessed.
"No! I mean I used to, but she's dating Big Mac now. It'd feel kind of wrong to have those thoughts about anoher guy's girl. Recently, I been imagining myself with someone else."
"Is it Sweetie Belle? Scootaloo?" Spike guessed.
"It's Diamond Tiara." He squeaked.
"Are you kidding? She treates you like dirt!" The dragon exclaimed.
"Yeah, even I don't fantasize about her and I'm completely depraved!" Snips admitted.
"I know that, but when she insukts me in my fantasies, it's actually kind of hot."
"Oh, I get it. I think Snails is a bit of a masochist." Scratch concluded.
"What's a mask kit.. or whatever?" The colt wondered.
"A masochist is someone who gets sexual pleasure from being humiliated or even getting hurt." The mare explained.
"Getting hurt, huh? How's this feel?" Snips said delivering a quick blow to his shoulder.
"Ow! What was that for?" The colt rubbed the spot as he glared at him.
"You're supposed to be turned on. You said he was a masochist, right?" Snips asked the mare.
"It depends on the context. Snails, do you mind if I try something?"
"Umm, I guess. What are you going to do?" He asked.
"None of your business, maggot! Get on the floor now!" She shouted.
"Maggot? Why'd you-"
"I don't remember asking for your opinion, worm. Now do it!" He was confused, but did as she said.
"You like it down there, don't you? You love having your face buried in the carpet, you worthless little insect. Come on! Put your face into it!" She said as she used her magiv to push his face down.
"I think that's enough, Scratch." Spike told her.
"Too much?"
"A little bit. He's definitely got an erection. Do you need a minute, Snails?" Spike asked looking away.
"If everyone could just turn around while I leave, that'd be great." He called from the floor.
"Sure thing, pal." Snips said as they turned their heads so Snails could leave.
"I guess Snails has to be at least somewhat attracted to the person humiliating him to get some pleasure out of it."
"So what? Is Snails going to get a boner every time a cute girl insults him?" Snips wondered.
"Is that really a problem? Diamond Tiara is the only filly who makes fun of him and he hasn't gotten an erection in front of her."
"Well, I was getting pretty physical and being overtly sexual. I doubt Diamond Tiara would ever really go that far. Still, it's pretty interesting though."
"What is?" Spike asked.
"I always took Snails for a gentle giant type. It's like finding out Big Macintosh has a hoof fetish or something."
"Okay, I think it's time to end the show before we start getting into fetishes. Between the two of you, we might be here all day if that happens."
"Aww, you're so boring sometimes." Snips huffed.
"I was thinking about bringing a guest on the show. Any ideas?" Scratch posed the question to the two of them.
"I don't know. We've had so many people on the show." Spike scratched his head in thought.
"What about the Elements of Harmony?" Snips asked.
"All six of them on the show at once? It might get a little crowded." Spike imagined the cramped quarters that would occur from such a show.
"How about just one of them then?" Scratch asked.
"Twilight's already been on the show so she's out." Spike pointed out.
"How about-" Snips was interrupted when the door flew open and a blue blur entered and landed in the middle of the room. A panting Rainbow Dash stood in the middle of the room trying her best to look cool.
"So... I.. heard... you... guys... needed... a guest?" She said trying to catch her breath.
"Ummm, would you like to be on the next show, Rainbow Dash?" Spike asked.
"I'll... have.. to check... my schedule, but I think... I can... squeeze it in."
"Okay, where did you come from exactly?" Scratch asked.
"Oh, I was having tea with Fluttershy. I was listening on her radio." The pegasus said as she caught her breath.
"That's all the way across town. We couldn't have been talking about bringing a guest on for more than a few minutes."
"Heh, what can I say? Just wanted to help you guys out." She smiled. The dragon rolled his eyes as he prepared to sign off.
"Sure. Anyway, I'd like to thank and apologize to everyone who listened today. This is Guy Talk signing off."
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Dash is such an attention whore.
Can't wait to see what the guys say to her. The likelihood of embarrassment is high.
C'mon Spike, I thought you were better than this.
Spike is img576.imageshack.us/img576/9831/whipped.gif
4083061 HAHAHAHHAHAA!
So shall we submit questions for Dash?
You missed a typo there, mate.
And another.
So Octavia fakes her orgasms?
Question one for Rainbow Dash: We know you and Fluttershy are fucking, so I wonder, who's on the top and who's on the bottom? (It's obvious you were, even if you just came to us right from our broadcast, you wouldn't have been panting so much, so it's a dead giveaway that we caught you having sex with miss Kindness there, and I bet that she's mad at you for leaving her hangin'
)
Question 2: How long have you and her been together??
Question 3: Is it really true that you don't like anypony touching your hooves?
Oh my Luna!
I'll bookmark this for now in case I ever have enough time to read it.
I saw the title, and I figured "Pretty self explanatory."
I saw the description and thought "This should make for a nice quick read."
I saw the word count and I burst out laughing
You must be an amazing writer if you can write a story like this with over 47K words and it's not even finished yet.
4083446 Of course
No please no
4083917
Alrighty...
Rum Chaser asks: Rainbow Dash, if you had to be another winged species, would you rather be a Breezie, Griffin or Dragon?
Dragon Pony here. I have a Dare for Dash "if" she is mare enough to take it. I want here to let Spike give her a hoof massage for 10 minutes. You know "if" she is awesome enough to handle it or will she wimp out.
Already end? But it feels like the show just started... aawwwww.
Love this fic so much.
You know, when I started this fic in chapter 1, I liked it but noticed quite the grammatical errors.
Then, I read more. And more. And more.
All I can say is, super development writer, by now you're one of the best!
I marathoned your whole story!
I can actually relate to Snails'... Preferences lol. I can also relate to the topic matter that's been brought up. My friends and I were actually thinking of trying to get a public television or late night radio gig to do just this.
A question for Rainbow Dash: "So... wondering,... Who's cooler, you or Vinyl? Cuz ya know, Vinyl has a bigger fan club than you. Vinyl, you're probably more awesomer, and Octavia should be on with you sometimes. Wink, wink. Arguement, go!"
I have found this story to be highly discomforting. However, it makes up for this in just how ridiculously hilarious it is. Every show is absolutely hysterical. In fact, around chapter six I found myself playing a tune by the Gorillaz to about eighteen seconds at the beginning of every episode and then fading out just to make it feel more like an actual radio show.
You have me RPing a radio listener. You, my friend, are a master at your craft. Keep up the good work.
a Question for Rainbow dash: if you could your self to the fastest in equestria if so are you faster than Spitfire
hope you mind i would like to add a dare to that question : that i dare rainbow dash to star in a romantic sappy play with spike
LoosePartyCannon asks: What would be worse: Not being able to fly or not being friends with Fluuttershy?
kooarbiter here: who is the least radical sentient creature you can think of? ex; pony griffon donkey etc.
Damn son! This is a good fic!
Gamble asks (to RD): So I heard you were having "tea" with Fluttershy. Anything going on in the sack?
Tobby Dark the Kirin:
Hey there you guys. I'm a new listener to your show and I hope you keep up the good work. But anyway on to my questions for Rainbow Dash: Is what I hear about you being lesbian true or do you swing both sides of the fence, either way that's cool? And also if the answer to question one is yes then what do you think of Pinkie Pie? Pinkie Pie and Laughter for best element, PEACE! (p.s. just my opinion)
my question: It looks like every pony wands to see you hook up with one of your friends, how dos that make you feel?
and what ship is the one true ship?
Just read all of this in one straight shot. A few typos here and there but nothing terrible, this fic is a great idea!
My question is Snips: what is your favorite part of a filly?
4084002 really? do you really need to ask that?
4085961 Why not? I think the griffin/dragon thing is a good part...
4086055 i think it's obvious she would choose dragon
4086058 Maybe, maybe not. Even so, the Dragon answer probably has potential for comedic ribbing from Snips and Snails on the idea of SpikeDash
4086104 ehh i guess.. but that would be way to obvious.and that is not what this story wants, i mean the whole thing with that fire chick...
4086194
Wingboner... while... flying?
*flap* "ow..."
*flap* "Ow..."
*flap* "OW!"
*flap* "HHHHHMMRMRMRMR!!!! I probably should land and, uh attend to some business."
These seem like they are getting shorter and shorter. This show is what 15 minutes? And they seem to be heading into a bad spiral. The last five were about the sexual nature of a bunch of foals, and if Rainbow gets on there...
Also, what is Fluttershy doing listening to this? I get she would support her friend but seriously. She was probably as red as Big Mac during this episode.
And what do the Apples think of this? Spike talking about his relationship on national radio. I doubt AJ and Granny smith like that at all. Not to mention Rarity and Sweetie belle
However what I would like to hear is off-air audio of spike explaining to Twilight what they meant during her episode.
So, what I'm getting at is, I first started following this because it was a neat idea but its just gotten a little out of hoof lately, I would like to see it slow down a bit... after the Rainbow Dash episode. Maybe have a show about the recent guests that came to ponyville and what they think of the (not so) quiet town.
4086418
A boner isn't 100% stiff man it can still flex a little bit... painfully sometimes... so she wouldn't go plummeting to her doom anyways...
Also Unikitty is best kitty/unicorn/pony
A question for Rainbow Dash
How does it feel when you do a sonic rainboom?
To RD: If you could star in a mech anime, what would be the plot, sub-genre (like henshin, armor, steam punk, etc), and the series genre (slice of life, moe, horror, comedy, etc)? What would be your role? Please describe the appearance and capabilities of your mech, armor, or what-have-you.
Sorry if this question is a little complex.
PS- What role would the hosts play in it? Have them describe their mechs too, please. Thanks for taking a look at this!
4091650
From the way they are portrayed in the show I really doubt the structural integrity of a pegasi's wing. Either there is less bone than an average wing in those things or like 50 more. Either way the wings would be more flexible...
fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2013/332/8/3/rainbow_dash_wings_her_eyes_vector_by_gturbo5-d6vya2m.png
iambrony.dget.cc/mlp/gif/155461%20-%20animated%20dexterous_wings%20feather_fingers%20fluttershy%20pony_masks%20wing_hands%20wing_push_up.gif
i.imgur.com/XZVmN.gif
Ask Rainbow if she has a fetish and what it is.
4097431
I took a step back and analyzed the fact that we are arguing about magical pastel winged horses getting wing erections...
4098058
Well I have stuff to do have a good day sir. and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!
media.tumblr.com/740f90580de520b93afdcb2bae632857/tumblr_inline_mnczgqq6jg1qz4rgp.gif
we need RD to answer the lond standing question:
how do you react to the mass often considering your sexuality everything but hetero without any proof?