• Published 27th Jul 2020
  • 331 Views, 35 Comments

It’s NOT CoNtAgIoUs! - Element of Malice



A pony just wants to enjoy his vacation, but we don’t always get what we want.

  • ...
1
 35
 331

It’s NOT conTAGIOUS!!

Soft white sand, crystal clear ocean water, surrounded by exotic flora, and the perfect sunny weather. Coconut Tropics Resort was by far the best vaca getaway ever. I sighed in relaxation before rubbing my beach towel deeper into the dry sand to make a back-shaped crater for better support and comfort. I put my hooves behind my head and also pressed them into the sand. Enjoying this warm weather, I gave another, more prolonged, bliss-filled sigh.

Ah, the life.

As I laid there, feeling the rays of the sun beat down on me, I was reminded about something I saw earlier, something I almost forgot about.

I turned my head and glanced to the right. Yep, still there. I though to myself. A pony sat under the shade of a palm tree, looking out into the horizon. How long have they been there? They were there when I arrived, and that was forty-five minutes ago, it had to be at least an hour by now, more possibly?

What I couldn’t wrap my head around was what they were wearing. Sunglasses, boots, a beanie, scarf, and what I could only guess was winter gear, but in this heat? They must be crazy. I couldn’t tell if they were mare or stallion, every last inch of them was covered in one thing or another. Being taught it was rude to stare, I looked away.

Okay, so this day was almost perfect. If I could only not pay attention to the pony risking his or her life by succumbing themselves to heatstroke, it would be hunky-dory. Being a doctor, and a good one at that, I couldn’t overlook the risks they were putting themselves in. I rose from my spot and stretched my legs before I trotted towards the mystery pony.

They saw me coming, but pretended not to by trying to avoid looking at… well, anypony really. “Hi there, how are you doing today?” I said as friendly as I could, but ended up sounding like I was talking to one of my patients. Not that it was a bad thing, but I was on vacation for a reason.

They shuffled in place, showing signs of social defense, clearly not having planned to converse with anyone. “I’m fine, thanks for asking.” They said quickly, obviously a habitual response. The tension I was getting from them felt like they were ready to dart under a rock at the first sign of danger. But they also looked like they weren’t prepared to give up their spot.

Definitely a mare, I thought to myself, no stallion would be caught dead with a voice like that. Except, if they were dead, who would know?

Her voice was… Attractive? Is that even possible for a voice to sound attractive? Focus, I only want to ask them a few questions, I cleared my throat and continued. “I~ couldn’t help but notice that—” She raised a hoof cutting me off.

“Please, just… Just don’t, okay? I don’t want to hear it.” She put her hoof down, sighed, or was she panting, before returning her attention to the horizon. “Yes, I’m overdressed. Yes, it’s hot, and I’m sweating, but I’m used to it. No, I’m not taking it off. No, I’m not going to tell you why. And finally yes it’s uncomfortable but well worth it… to me.” She turned her head towards me and ended with saying, “Now if you don’t mind, I would like to enjoy the rest of my day in peace.”

Sheesh, they must get asked about that a lot. “Uh, okay, then. I’ll stop bothering you.” I turned away and started walking back to my towel, “It’s just being a doctor, I was concerned about your health and safety.”

They froze with a stunned response, before promptly snapping their attention back to the scenery with a huff. I could almost picture her blushing under the outfit when I saw her reaction from the corner of my eye.

Before I made it back to my spot, which was surprising considering how close it was, a unicorn resort staff member intersected me. “Hello, are you enjoying your time at our magnificent tropical resort?” She said, smiling, before standing on her hind legs and doing a small dance to shake her grass skirt uniform.

I never understood why they had their employees do that, or keep doing that. It was like that was a leftover standard when they started as a knock off vacation spot because they were a hotel with beach access. But now they had everything.

If you wanted to, had the bits, and signed the waiver, you could ski into a paraglider. Then, once you are high enough over the ocean, skydive into the most epic cannonball. Afterward, you would scuba dive into their underwater spa, housing their lava heated, ocean cooled hot springs. All of which could be done before lunch. I’ve only gone as far as transitioning from skiing into the paraglider to waterskiing before going to the hot springs.

I’m a Doctor, I know my limits.

“Absolutely, I always love spending my vacations here,” I answered.

“Wonderful! Is there anything I can do for you to make this day even better?” She did an excellent job hiding it, but I could tell she sounded... desperate, perhaps? “Recreational reservations, spa appointments, weather rearrangements?”

Diagnosis, she’s had a very long… morning? It’s barely past noon, a long week, maybe? Stop it! Bad doctor, I’m on vacation!

“Uh…” I rubbed the back of my head, trying to think of a reasonable response. In doing so, I slipped a glance at the mystery mare. That’s when I knew my answer. I turned back to her to make my request. “Can I get—“

“Two drinks?” Said the staff member, gesturing towards the mare with her eyes and bouncing her eyebrows. Noticing my look of dismay, she returned one that held the impression that she had just gotten fired. “Oh, I’m sorry I couldn’t help overhearing, but I didn’t hear much, I only know—” I silenced her by putting a hoof to her muzzle.

“Three drinks… For her… ice water. And one Tropical Dream Punch for me.” I put my hoof down, and she gave a wink.

“No problem, That’ll be a total of fifty-two bits. Would you like to have it billed to your room?” the staff worker said with the typical ‘service with a smile’ face.

Fifty-tw! Oh, whatever I can afford that, “Yeah, I’m fine with that, my room number is Q262, let me show you my room key to confirm.”


I carefully set down my half-finished drink in the sand, smiling as I once again enjoyed my sunbath. The moment didn’t last very long though, as I felt a shadow block out the warmth of the sun. My expression fell as I casually opened one eye partway with a feeling of carelessness.

It was the mystery mare.

“Can~ I help you?” I said, knowing perfectly well why she had come over to me.

She was heaving. Thanks to her clothing, I wasn’t sure if it was from exhaustion, the heat, or worst-case scenario if she was angry. “I wanted to say... thank you… for the water,” Just saying that made her sound like she was winded. “I needed it more than I realized.”

“I know you said you weren’t going to take your outfit off but, hear me out,” I paused for emphasis. “If you were to pass out, as a doctor, the first thing I would do if that were to happen, would be to tear your clothes off so you can— OOF!” She jammed her boot into my gut. Hard, “Cool… off...”

“First of all, these clothes STAY ON! No matter what!” She put more force onto my gut, “And second... I already said I was used to this heat... and I’m not going to let it get to me. Not now or ever!” She applied force for a second time before releasing me.

“Oh,” I groaned in relief, “Do you suffer from polymorphic light eruption?” I inaudibly wheeze out, rolling to my side clutching my stomach. That was when I noticed my drink had been knocked over.

“What?”

“Solar Urticaria,” I coughed out, “I told you… I was a doctor. A dermatologist, to be specific,” I said, finally getting my breath back.

“I don’t mean to pry, all I’m trying to do is help, but first, I need to understand your condition. Are you allergic to sunlight?”

There was a break in the conversation, silence reigned in those few moments only broken by the gentle sound of the distant waves. The mare started… it sounded like coughing, but it was muffled. It wasn’t until it gradually grew loud enough that I realized she was laughing.

“Is that really a thing?” She said, sounding amused, “I’ve never heard of that before, and trust me, I’ve heard just about everything in the book and then some.”

I rubbed the back of my head, chuckling to hide that I just had a micro-heart attack. I don’t want to think of what I would have done if this situation went into a nosedive. “Uh yeah, coincidentally, it’s most commonly found in bat ponies than in any other creature. It’s actually considered one of the rarest conditions in the medical field in Equestria.”

“Bet I can beat that,” she responded under her breath, but I ended up hearing it as clear as day.

“Is that so? Well, in that case, I’d love to hear more about it, and don’t worry I won’t judge you, I promise.” It was then that I felt like I pushed too hard.

Another moment of silence followed. This time it felt uncomfortable. Eventually, she spoke, sounding disheartened, “Meet me inside. I... need to get out of this heat, and I want to at least repay you for the water.”

Now I felt like a jerk, butting in where I shouldn’t have, “Oh… uh okay, let me just get my stuff packed up, I’ll be right there.” I could have the staff deliver it to my room, but having had issues with ‘property misplacement’ once before, I was a pony who liked to handle his own things.

I grabbed the bag I carried everything in and then realized how nice it would be to be a unicorn right about now. As a non-magic user, I was prone to pick up things via mouth… this is a beach… with sand… I quickly learned that the hard way. Just to add to the excitement, the moment I felt sand on my tongue, I instinctively tried to wipe it off with my hoof… yeah, that went well.

As I was trying to spit sand from my mouth, I realized I was being laughed at by the mare. I realized just how goofy I must have looked, and her laugh sounded so adorable I couldn’t help but start laughing myself.

“Here, let me help you,” She said as there was the sound of a spell being cast. My things were packed away and then placed on my back.

“Thank you,” I said with my sand coated tongue still lopping out the side of my mouth. “Go on ahead, I’ll catch up in a moment.”

“Okay, but I don’t like to be kept waiting.” She said, starting to look off-balance and swaying like the palm trees in the light breeze as she made her way to the cool indoors.

I had to get the sand out of my mouth, and I knew just how to do that. I waved to a resort worker and asked them for a simple glass of water, “That will be twelve bits.”

I gave a disbelieving look of shock, I swear, every time I come here they raise the price of—. I look at the sand, reflect on my situation, then I look at the expensive surroundings. Oh... that makes sense, what is this extortion?


What started as a simple repayment of overpriced water turned into a real date. The mare and I talked until the sun began to set. All the while, she stayed in her outfit, paying no mind to all the stares she was receiving from other ponies and creatures alike. I learned her name was Color Palette. She loved painting colorful landscape sceneries. According to her, her artwork was well known for fetching a high price.

The most challenging part of her line of work was her unusual situation. Whenever she went out to look for new inspirations, she had to make sure she was completely covered with a thick outfit as to avoid it being easily torn.

I will admit that I did pry a little thanks to my sheer curiosity. In doing so, Palette shyly informed me in a low whisper that her skin condition was most commonly mistaken with Cutie Pox by every doctor she had gone to for a solution.

That was briefly followed by her levitating a knife to my throat. She harshly whispered through clenched teeth to not be overheard by others. “There are no if’s, and’s, or but’s about this. I’m only going to say this once, so you better engrain it into your skull. It’s NOT conTAGIOUS!!” she then slammed the knife blade down on the table, making it stand upright. “If anything, it is nothing more than just a genetic mutation.”

I gulped, realizing what I had gotten myself into and mentally kicked myself, “I understand your frustration, Cutie… that condition isn’t one to be talked about lightly.” I said, treading more carefully now, knowing that she had a potentially traumatizing history of many false accusations. “I’m going to take your word for it and believe you. But, I’m going to have a hard time convincing my stub—”

Having said the word ‘but,’ Palette rose, taking an offensive stance. That’s when this perfect evening took a nosedive.

A resort staff member who was transporting a freshly brewed scalding hot tea was passing from behind when they got bumped into by Color Palette, tipping over the teapot and spilling the entire batch straight down the scruff of her coat. It took all of two seconds to sink in before Color Palette shrieked in agony from the broiling hot liquid drizzling down her bare neck and back under all her protective layers.

Already having a mental escape route in case of this kind of emergency, Color Palette made a beeline to the restrooms. Palette proceeded to purge the powder room from the plethora of ponies populating it purely for the purpose of her own personal privacy.

“Out out, OUT! ALL OF YOU OUT!!” Ponies were involuntarily flung out of the restroom door so fast, one was still holding a toilet paper roll. Once the Restroom was cleared out, Palette slammed the door closed and started making pained grunts and groans.

I rushed to the restroom door and was about to knock but hesitated, be it from self-blame or anticipating what her response would be. I knew that Pallete needed to remove her clothes. I saw the unicorn staff member from earlier that day, who had watched the whole ordeal, and called out to her. “Hey, I’m a doctor, and I can help her, but I need you to go to my room and—”

“Room two… no Q… uh, six-two… wait ahh,” She was flustered and panicky from the stress of this situation, but I didn’t have time to wait for her to try and get it right.

“Q262, I need a bag that—” She teleported away only to reappear seconds later.

“Which one?”

“The black one, I have—” Again, she teleported then reappeared.

“There’s two of them.”

“Let me finish. There are wheels on it and—” I grunted as she went against my request, teleporting and returning once again.

“Here,” she said, holding out the bag she grabbed from my room.

“That’s dark blue.” I promptly responded with a deadpan look. As predicted, she made another trip.

“Is this it!?” now looking both exhausted and desperate. Not too surprising seeing as how much magic she had to have used.

“Yes!” I grabbed the bag and instantly knew something was wrong. I opened it and looked inside, “Thank you for getting the right one, but it would be more helpful if I had what was in the bag!?” I said while holding the lid open to the empty carrier and pointing inside.

With an unprofessional moan, she made yet another trip to my room. They returned with a miscellaneous of items raining down on my head. “Sorry! I-I grabbed everything I could.”

“Thanks, you need to get some rest, doctor’s orders, take a vacation. You look tired,” I said, easily restocking and organizing my bag with what I needed. Doing so, I noticed contents belonging to the first bag she had brought. Holding back my frustration for now, I calmly continued, “But I’m definitely going to need a lot of ice. Have somepony else grab it.”

I knocked on the door to the mares room, “Color Palette, I’ve got some medications to treat that burn with. You know I’m a doctor, and as far as I know, I’m also the only one here who’s aware of~ that…” With the crowd standing around, I didn’t want to say more than I needed to.

After a brief stillness, Palette responded, “Do you promise me that if I let you in, what you see will stay in this room?”

“You have my word. Besides, if I break the doctor-patient confidentiality, I will be at risk of losing my license.”

After another pause, Palette spoke, “Okay, I’ll let you come in… alone!”

I turned to look at the gathered crowd, “Give us some space, will ya, my patient is asking for some privacy here.” I opened the door and proceeded to enter the lioness’s den. I made sure to close it as quickly as possible to avoid the curious prying eyes waiting outside.

As it should always be, the room was immaculately cleaned with spotless mirrors, mopped floors, and polished sinks and countertops. A small assortment of items, ranging from lipstick to eyeliner, laid scattered in small sections, most likely belonging to those defenestrated out the door from earlier.

On the ground lay a pile of coats and other clothes, but Color Palette was nowhere to be seen. That was when I felt the reflective eyes of the huntress staring down at me from behind. How she had balanced herself up on the doorframe was beyond me. But that no longer mattered, because she landed on top of me, knocking the wind out of my lungs.

“Last warning,” she said while putting me in a chokehold. “If I hear so much as a rumor about what I have, then so help me I will hunt you down to the ends of Tartarus if I have to, and break... your... legs.” She released her grip and got off of me. When she spoke again, it had a more emotional feeling behind her words, “like I already told you, it’s not contagious.”

This was the moment of truth, my nagging curiosity would finally be satisfied. I turned around and looked at her. What I saw took my breath away. She looked like a perfectly normal lime green colored unicorn with a color wheel for a cutie mark.

My mouth acted before I could think, “Dang you’re cute.” I realized too late what I had just done, famous last words.

When she heard what I said, her face… and coat turned… hot pink?

“What?”

Her coat color changed again to a dark red, expressing her anger, “Not a word!”

“Whoa… that’s amaz—” I shot a hoof into my mouth. Listen to the lady you nimrod, or she’ll kill you where you stand!

Her red color lingered before it shifted to yellow, shaking her hoof in the air out of frustration. She then pounded her hoof to the ground as she changed back to pink, slowly followed by blue. “This is why I can’t ever be seen like this. They take one look and go ‘look! She must have a cutie pox mutation. Run!’ then they all treat me like I have the… the plague.”

Stop staring! Think of something to say, why was I here again? I could feel my brow starting to perspire with sweat. “Uh…”

There was a knock on the door causing Color Palette to turn a pale purple and dart behind me. “I got the ice you asked for,” Said a robust feminine voice on the other side, “Is everything going okay? I’ve just been informed about the situation. As the head manager of this department, I can provide you with whatever else you might need.”

I gesture to Palette to get behind the door and out of sight. I cracked it open, on the other side, stood a tall, thin, stern-faced dark gray-blue unicorn in a business suit, “Yes, everything’s fine,” I responded, “hand me the ice… and no eavesdropping, keep everyone away from the door for a while. She definitely needs her space right now.” I grabbed the large bag of ice and pulled it in, then I lowered my voice to a soft whisper, “You could say she’s being a bit moody.”

“I heard that!” Palette gave me a swift buck to the flank.

The manager chuckled, “I understand, I know I would be if I was in her position,” then she spoke in a more serious tone, “Try not to have too much fun in there you two.” Upon hearing that, Color Palette became so bright pink, she actually started glowing, causing me to slam the door closed.

Right, I need to focus on treating her burns… Focus… Focus… Focus!

I turned to Color Palette but needed to hold up my hoof to shield my eyes. “I’m going to apply the burn medication…” she was still glowing, making it hard to look straight at her.

“Normally I would do it visually, but seeing as you, uh, yeah that,” she turned away from me and glowed brighter, “You’re just going to have to tell me where it hurts while I feel around your…” Without prior warning, Color Palette rushed at me and locked her lips with mine.

I froze.

That moment seemed to last forever. During that moment, her coat started rippling inconsistently with every shade and hue of every color on the spectrum. When she finally pulled away, I stuttered out the words, “uh… burns? Your back… I—” Palette silences me by putting a hoof to my mouth.

“I’m a unicorn, and this isn’t the first time I’ve been injured like this. I know a few healing spells.”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Is my line of work even worth anything these days? This day just keeps getting better and better. It was easy to hide my frustration behind my shocked expression still plastered on my face. I stammered a response with, “As... the doctor, let me be the judge of that.”

I instructed her to turn around, then I began looking for any signs of burning, feeling about, and asking where it hurts. My eye began to twitch when I found she had been true to her word and already healed her injuries.

“Everything seems to be fine, but just to be safe, I’ll apply some ointment for treating burns.” I pulled out the tube of medicine, squeezed it into my hoof, and rubbed it on her back.

“Do you want to know why I kissed you earlier?” I didn’t say anything, but she continued regardless. “You are the first doctor, heck one of only a few ponies I’ve met who hasn’t treated me like I’m a pandemic on legs. Even after knowing what I have, you still treat me like anyone else. And for me, that feels like a dream.”

I could hear a slight trembling in her words as she spoke, perhaps from resurfacing past memories on the issue. “There were even times I forgot about what I had while we were on our date as if it didn’t matter anymore.”

It was then that it occurred to me how late it was, “You know, there’s a reason for that. To tell you the truth, we’re actually not all that different from one another.”

Palette turned to look at me, the look of confusion written all over her. I just grinned, “Wait for it…” Like clockwork, the sound of a cork being twisted from a bottle was heard. A dull thunk followed as a horn popped up on my forehead. “There it is.”

Color Palette’s mouth dropped to the floor as her eyes widened in bewilderment. “Wait… you… wha-hu? I… but…oh ho ho I get it. You used some kind of spell, didn’t you?” She said, proudly grinning at figuring out what she was seeing.

I shook my head, “Believe it or not, each and every morning I’m a pegasus, then after the sun rises, I become an earth pony. The reason I’m a unicorn now is because the sun has finally set.” I said, telling her my daily routine, “Been this way for as long as I can remember, you would not believe the… never mind, I suppose you have quite a few stories of your own.”

I watched her coat color change with her mood, remembering her situation, “I actually lost track of time, so I guess it was a good thing that I was in here. Like you, I’m not very open about what I have, but if anyone asks, I have two brothers.”

She gave me the most prominent look of confusion I had ever seen as an awkward silence came between us. Palette finally spoke, “You said you’re a… pegasus... in the morning? That I want to see. But how are you going to explain... this...” Palette said tapping her hoof against her horn, “when you leave the mares room?”

...

“Eh... oh~ Horse apples.”

Author's Note:

(*edit: not exactly my best work, I’ll admit the ending was a bit forced out, but regardless I found it fun to write) I may or may not edit in the future.

Comments ( 35 )

I really like this story. I find it be well-paced, with the conflict being solved at a natural pace. Grammar's perfect. And your first person is really well-written; I can feel the Doctor's emotions through the words. Also, points for originality 'cause I really like the creative ailment you invented for Color Palette. (Quick question: is the doctor male or female? I didn't quite catch it.)

Good stuff. Keep it up.

10356371

Thank you, I’m glad you liked it.

Quick question: is the doctor male or female? I didn't quite catch it.

At the very end, the doctor says: “if anyone asks I have two brothers.”

10356443
I loved the story. And I still don't get the doctor's gender.

10357147
He is a stallion. Saying he has two brothers is his cover story.

10357155
Oh. Thanks for the clarification.

This is so cute

10357659
What did you think of the concept?

This story is so beautiful Malice, I loved the ending! Keep up the good work!

(I'm telling people to read this)

Great work man! Wish you luck!

I enjoyed this story enough that I remembered it and came back to read it again.

10431444
Thank you, I’m glad you liked it. What about it made you want to read it again?

10431942
Considering that I thought I'd read it months ago, and was making my decision to reread based on old impressions, I might not be able to answer a question about how those impressions formed as well as I might like to be able to.

Some of what I can say with some realistic confidence is...

  1. The idea/premise of the mare's efforts to hide her problem + the problem itself. I found that striking, memorable, and amusing.
  2. I remembered the story in general as having been humorously entertaining.
  3. I wanted a specific example of a story that had handled this general type of premise well. So I thought of your story to point at as an example.

What I recall from my somewhat hurried reread today, hampered by the other things that have distracted me today...
Well, actually I've had a bunch of people yelling at me today and I'm kind of tired, and not up to it, sorry.
I do see that your story summary has a terrible-funny pun in a right place. :pinkiegasp: And its disclaimer also helps build towards a sort of dry humor. And one of my first reactions upon refinding your story was to say to myself, based on my memories of my first read, "This story has only how many reads?"

10431995

Well, actually I've had a bunch of people yelling at me today and I'm kind of tired, and not up to it, sorry.

Sounds to me like you had a rough day, all I can do is say “hope you feel better soon.” Thank you for the feedback.

And yes I am also somewhat surprised that this has few reads, but hay I can’t force people to read it, so I’ll take what I got.

All right, I finally got around to reading this. I might be slow, but I always keep my promises.

I have to say, I enjoyed reading this. It flowed nicely, felt lively, and the humour was pretty good as well. What marred my enjoyment a little was some rough wording, a few typos and a couple of tense shifts thorough the story. Subtle little things, but they affect the story's otherwise smooth flow quite significantly. One more thing that also stood out to me was that the characters seemed to behave a bit incostistently at times--mabe skimming over the 'date' part of the evening wasn't the best idea as it prevented the audience from getting to know Palette better.

Furthermore, kudos to you for her condition, that one was really original, and while I tried, I could not guess what it was. Though I'm not sure why almost everypony treated her so harshly, it seems like an interesting ability. On a side note, while I liked the ending, I think that keeping the doctor as a normal pony would be a bit more impactful. You know, you don't need to be special to understand the situation of another special person. But that's just a minor nitpick.

I can see my cover's been uploaded. Thanks again for this assignment. 'Twas real fun.

Responding to the author's note: it's not bad at all. I've seen much worse attempts at similar concepts.

10838913
I’m glad you found it to your liking, I hope you had a good laugh. What part did you find the funniest?

10838946
Definitively when Color Palette threw the ponies out of the restroom and then when the unicorn kept teleporting back and forth.
Though the whole story has a nice background noise of romance comedy. Well done.

10839340
:rainbowlaugh: I just thought of something to add at the very end.

not exactly my best work, I’ll admit

Yeah, wasn't super impressed with this. I guess it had to happen sooner of later. I enjoyed both of the other two stories I've commented on so far, but this one has an awful lot going wrong with it. I suppose it's nice to have a story that's a metaphor for transgenderism rather than lecturing and grinding our faces in it. But by about a third of the way in I found myself frowning in confusion at both the grammar and general story flow, and that frown still hasn't entirely gone away even as I write this.

Editing/grammar/technical stuff

* You often slip back and forth between present and past tense.

* There are a lot of places where you're using peculiar phrasing or incorrect words or just generally saying things that don't make very much sense. For example, "defenestrated" means to be thrown out a window. Saying someone was "defenestrated out the door" is like saying you were "beheaded on the arm." What exactly is a "staff worker?" 'Staff' means 'group of people employed by a company.' A 'worker' is an individual who works. "Staff worker" is like saying "workers worker." Or consider: "a unicorn resort staff member intersected me." Setting aside how awkward that is to begin with, I think the word you were looking for was intercepted. What's a "vaca?" Google tells me that word means cow in Spanish. Eventually I consulted urban dictionary and scrolled down to alternate definitions to find it listed as an abbreviation for vacation. Even now I'm not entirely sure whether it's a regional colloquialism from somewhere or whether it simply was typo. "a miscellaneous of items?" That's just not correct use of that word. There are so many little mistakes like this that if I hadn't read a few of your other stories first, reading this one might have led me to wonder whether English was your native language.

* There are places where entire paragraphs are full of these weird little weird choices and awkward phrasings. For example:

“Two drinks?” Said the staff member, gesturing towards the mare with her eyes and bouncing her eyebrows. Noticing my look of dismay, she returned one that held the impression that she had just gotten fired. “Oh, I’m sorry I couldn’t help overhearing, but I didn’t hear much, I only know—” I silenced her by putting a hoof to her muzzle.

“Three drinks… For her… ice water. And one Tropical Dream Punch for me.” I put my hoof down, and she gave a wink.

1) "Staff member?" I think the word you're looking for is waitress? Or actually...given that she's offering to set up spa appointments and weather arrangement, hostess or concierge would probably be better choices. "Staff member" is corporatese HR-speak. It would be reasonable for her employer to call her that, but Solar is a resort guest and it's made even sketchier by the fact that this is part of unspoken narration. Solar is your narrator, so that might be forgivable. But even if he'd spoken this line it would still be peculiar.

2) "Bouncing with her eyebrows?" Do you mean she was waggling her eyebrows?

3) "Noticing my look of dismay, she returned one that held the impression that she had just gotten fired." There are so many problems with this sentence. Why is this even happening? How does asking if Solar wants to buy the lady a drink equate to her being fired? "Held" the impression? Weird word choice. "Gotten" fired? I think you mean been fired? "Gotten" is a strong class indicator. It's like the word "ain't." Word choice tells you something about the social standing and education of a speaker. Notice that Applejack doesn't speak like Rarity, for example. This guy's a doctor. He shouldn't be saying 'gotten' any more than the homeless bum on the street should be saying 'how do you do, old boy?' At least, not unless this is deliberate characterization for a reason. But I don't see you doing anything with it, so it doesn't appear intentional. And given how many strange word choices there are in general throughout the entire story, this seems consistent with that. Also, this was narration, which should generally be neutral anyway.

4) "“Oh, I’m sorry I couldn’t help overhearing, but I didn’t hear much, I only know—”" Phrasing and punctuation here are awkward. And why is this even being said? If she'd overheard the conversation...Color telling Solar off and him agreeing to stop talking to her...that wouldn't easily lend itself to thinking the next thing to happen would be him buying her a drink.

5) "I put my hoof down" sounds like a ponification of the idiom to "put your foot down," meaning that you're insistent and unyielding, or to put a stop to something. I realize you're using it as the followup to him putting a hoof to her muzzle, but there are better ways you could have phrased this. When she's apparently terrified she's about to lose her job and he's "putting his hoof down," there's a moment where a reader needs stop to figure out what's actually going on...but then she's winking at him, and the end result is a bit discordant.

6) Why three drinks? The implication is that he's buying the waitress a drink too. Ok, that's fine if that's what you intended. But if you intended it...why, exactly? It's bit of a Chekhov's Gun, especially when it's reinforced by him touching her muzzle and her winking at him. There's more flirting and chemistry between Solar and this unicorn getting his drinks for him than there is between Solar and Color, but then rather than doing anything with that, you just have Solar becoming frustrated with her later on because she turns out to be an idiot.

* Your inconsistent use of pronouns is annoying. I realize that it's popular in certain cultural subgroups to use they/them to be deliberately ambiguous, but to my ears that ambiguity is roughly as cringeworthy as a 90 year old in an Elvis costume talking about "surfing the information superhighway like the bodacious radicool kids." Making it worse, you can't seem to make up your mind about which to use. If it would be less awkward if you were at least consistent about it, but you're not. You start out referring to her as they/them, but then the ambiguity disappears once he realizes that she's, quote, "Definitely a mare." So at that point it should be settled, but instead you continue to swap back and forth between she/her and they/them for no obvious reason. This becomes especially awkward in places where you make use of English's explicit subject requirement. For example, in English, if somebody says "It is raining" who/what exactly is the "it" being referred to? Or suppose someone says, "They say any landing you can walk away from is a good one." Again, they is a pronoun...but who is they? English sentences require both a subject and a predicate, and these pronouns are employed to supply a subject. It's just a quirk of English. Meanwhile, 'they' in particular is usually used to indicate plurality. Using it deliberately hide gender is inherently awkward to begin with, and it's made worse in this story by your inconsistent handling. Yes, language is flexible. It's certainly ok to play with it, or to break rules if you're doing it on purpose. But randomly changing your usage from one sentence or paragraph to the next makes it harder for a reader to follow, and I don't see anything being added by it. Meanwhile, consider this:

I never understood why they had their employees do that, or keep doing that. It was like that was a leftover standard when they started as a knock off vacation spot because they were a hotel with beach access. But now they had everything.

Who is 'they?' In the first case you use it to mean "unspecified person or persons." But then you switch to use using it as a replacement for "it." It was a hotel, not they were a hotel. And when you mix that already sketchy and inconsistent use of 'they' to also mean 'she's a girl but I'm trying to avoid calling attention to that' the end result is just completely bizarre. Then at other times you go back and forth between 'she' and they' to refer to the same person in a manner that makes it genuinely difficult to even figure out who you're talking about. For example:

With an unprofessional moan, she made yet another trip to my room. They returned with a miscellaneous of items raining down on my head.

From one sentence to the next, you're swapping between using 'she' and 'they' to refer to the same person. I don't care about your social politics. I just want to read a nice story about ponies without being confused about what's going on. Sure, there can be legitimate reasons for an author to avoid clueing a reader in to a character's sex, but you explicitly confirm that she's "Definitely a mare" fairly early on...so why all the obfuscating nonsense? And even in cases where obfuscation is desirable, rather than handling it the way you are, you'd be much better off restructuring sentences to avoid these grammatical issues entirely. It's usually trivial to remove pronouns by simply swapping a few words around. This, for example:

If I could only not pay attention to the pony risking his or her life by succumbing themselves to heatstroke, it would be hunky-dory.

...reads much better as: "If only I could take my eyes off the pony at risk of heat stroke."

No 'his or her' or 'themselves' required at all. But instead of doing this very simple thing, it's like you're going out of your way to use as many inconsistent pronouns as you can.
___________________________________________________
Story flow

Several things happen in this story that don't make a lot of sense. Peculiar story choices are made, and information is routinely delivered in a manner that leave me perplexed. For example, let's trace through starting from this:

There was a knock on the door causing Color Palette to turn a pale purple and dart behind me. “I got the ice you asked for,” Said a robust feminine voice on the other side, “Is everything going okay? I’ve just been informed about the situation. As the head manager of this department, I can provide you with whatever else you might need.”

What department? This character has just been introduced. This is a resort, not a retail store. Department of what? "Head" manager "of this department" implies multiple managers of "this department." So what department is this and how many managers does it have? Since when do hotels even have departments? What, is she specifying that she's part of guest services and not from accounting? What is she talking about and why is this information being given to us in the first place? She's delivering ice, but she's suggesting that it's because she's "head manager" that she's able to bring them these things? What, did the other managers not have authority? Could the front desk clerk or some random bellhop not have delivered ice? It's pretty normal for hotels to have ice buckets in every room to use with the ice dispensers on every floor. People use them to keep wine chilled. Everything about this is a little bit weird, and it kind of comes across like you've never stayed at a hotel, so you're filling in the blanks using your mental map of a retail department store.

Now, if the head concierge of a hotel had been informed that a guest had been injured and decided that she wanted to personally deliver the ice, ok that would be reasonable. Not that anybody else couldn't have...obviously room service for example could have delivered ice, but if the concern isn't ability or authority, but simply her as the person in charge wanting to make absolutely sure that a problem is dealt with...that's reasonable. But after delivering the ice, she apparently thinks that it's all a ruse and that Color and Solar are really just rushing up to have sex? Does that really make sense? She presumably would have been informed about the "scalding hot tea" incident by the unicorn who asked her to get involved, she might have heard the screaming...and this conversation is happening in a public restroom. Does it really make sense for her to think this is a sexual encounter? Why would they be asking for ice if it is? Do you generally scream for hotel management to get ice for you when you have sex in a public restroom? Why would they be asking hotel staff to fetch bags with medical equipment if they were having sex? If they were having sex, wouldn't they probably prefer to not be interrupted multiple times by all these deliveries? Nothing about this makes much sense.

So now let's trace it backwards. She says he asked for ice. Ok. When did that happen?

Holding back my frustration for now, I calmly continued, “But I’m definitely going to need a lot of ice. Have somepony else grab it.”

She teleported away only to reappear seconds later.

...ok, so after this pony had already been to his room twice, teleporting in seconds to get there and back...Solar suddenly insists that somebody else do it. Why exactly? Pretty sure it would be faster for the teleporting unicorn who already knows where it is to go rather than have her fetch somebody else. Presumably he's asking for this because he's frustrated with her incompetence, and you're trying to play this whole scene off for laughs. Ok. If that's what you're going for, I think the comedy falls flat, but at least it makes more sense than the previous. But who is this pony in the first place?

the unicorn staff member from earlier that day

a unicorn resort staff member intersected me. “Hello, are you enjoying your time at our magnificent tropical resort?”

...so it's the pony who fetched the drinks earlier who's doing all this? The pony who was offering to rearrange the weather and set him up with a spa appointment? The pony who called herself "head manager?" She's the one who's so stupid that when asked to fetch a medical bag for an injured pony, she dumps out the contents and returns with the bag only? That seems inconsistent with her prior characterization. So inconsistent that on first reading I didn't even realize it was her, and it was only after tracing back through while typing this that I realized who this pony even was.

So that was a lot of typing...let's look at a more succinct example of stuff not making sense: Color Palette is wearing all of those clothes at the start of the story to hide her issue, right? So why does she need to hide in the bathroom if the clothing hides it? She's still wearing her clothes when the tea gets poured on her. Why does she run to the restroom?

...oh, is it because the clothes don't cover up the color change? After all, a coat wouldn't cover her neck and face, right?

Ok. Then why is she wearing the clothes in the first place if they don't cover up her change? Do you see the problem here?

For that matter, why does she run? Because she's anticipating imminent transformation, right? Why? What triggers it? Is it the hot tea? It doesn't seem to be. She changes several times while she's hanging out in the restroom, no hot liquids required. So why does she hide in the first place after the tea incident? And if it is the tea that triggers the change, then why doesn't she change right away when it happens, and instead changes a bunch of times later on when it isn't happening?

Why are any of these things happening? I don't know. They just happen because why not. Fundamentally, the flow the of story, the plot, the "things that happen" just don't make very much sense.
___________________________________________________

Unnecessary forced romance with an unlikable character

I'm not sure whether you realize how unlikable Color Palette is, or whether you're going out of your way to make her unlikable for reasons unknown.

“Out out, OUT! ALL OF YOU OUT!!” Ponies were involuntarily flung out of the restroom door so fast, one was still holding a toilet paper roll. Once the Restroom was cleared out, Palette slammed the door closed and started making pained grunts and groans.

I felt the reflective eyes of the huntress staring down at me from behind. How she had balanced herself up on the doorframe was beyond me. But that no longer mattered, because she landed on top of me, knocking the wind out of my lungs.

putting me in a chokehold. “If I hear so much as a rumor about what I have, then so help me I will hunt you down to the ends of Tartarus if I have to, and break... your... legs.”

She's constantly yelling. She's rude. She's inconsiderate. She kicks a bunch of ponies out of the restroom over her own personal issues. She's violent. She threatens the pony who's trying to help her. She's a dangerous nutcase, and Solar knows that she's a dangerous nutcase:

Listen to the lady you nimrod, or she’ll kill you where you stand!

Sure, I get that metaphors are a thing. Maybe he doesn't literally think she'll kill him. But Color is clearly an unstable pony with issues. She's also completely stupid:

“I’m a unicorn, and this isn’t the first time I’ve been injured like this. I know a few healing spells.”

...so, she knows healing spells, and she's been injured like this before, and her reaction to being injured isn't to deal with the problem, but rather to:

1) Go running off somewhere
2) Needlessly kick a bunch of people out of the restroom
3) Sit there and wait all by herself in the restroom for a dozen paragraphs while Solar and Miss head manager unicorn juggle getting his medical supplies
4) Climb up over the door, while injured, in order to attack and threaten the pony trying to help her
5) Sit there and wait for another half dozen paragraphs while Solar talks to Miss unicorn about ice and whether things are ok or not
6) Have an impromptu makeout session with the pony she'd just threatened and attacked

And only after all that does she cast a spell to deal with the problem she's freaking out about? Even if she panicked over the impending change in public and her first priority was to hide...why didn't she heal herself during all that time she spent alone in the restroom while Solar was outside talking to other ponies? What was she doing, checking her makeup?

Color is a moron. If this person kissed me I would run away. This is not a likable character I would want to share a romance tag with. Yes, Comedic Sociopathy is a thing, but this character isn't likable enough to pull it off.
___________________________________________________
Weak ending

Finally, after all of this confusion and nonsense...the payoff at the end is this:

“You said you’re a… pegasus... in the morning? That I want to see. But how are you going to explain... this...” Palette said tapping her hoof against her horn, “when you leave the mares room?”

If this is supposed to be a joke, it falls very flat. In fact, on first reading I didn't even realize it might be a joke, and it was only after looking for quotes while writing this that it occurred to me that maybe growing a unicorn horn was supposed to be a metaphor for gaining a transgendered penis. As I type this...I'm still not sure that's what you were going for, but it's the only thing I've been able to think of that even might be a joke.

If it is a joke, it doesn't really work. Sure, there are plenty of stories on this site that end with a weak pun but that manage to pull it off because the rest of the story is sufficiently amusing. Like I said in my review of Plastic Strength and the Smiles they Hide, a lot of that story was fairly bland, but the powerful ending totally made up for it. The ending changed the conetxt of some of the things that had happened previously, and suddenly what was once bland became profound. Here, I spent I most of my time reading It's Not Contagious feeling mildly confused, and the ending just isn't enough to recover from that.

If it's not a joke...then what's even going on here? It's a public restroom. It's not like somebody's standing outside tracking who goes in and out. Several ponies were already kicked out amidst the screaming. Even if somebody was watching...from behind you see a pony go, five minutes later you see that pony come out and he has a horn on his head. Are you going to panic and freak out over this or are you going to conclude that you just missed the horn when you only saw him from behind? The manager presumably got a better look, but she apparently thinks they're having sex in there, so she's probably not waiting around to watch them come out.

It only makes sense if it's supposed to be a joke. But it's not a very good one. And...if it is supposed to be a joke, then it's a missed opportunity for the obvious pun. Instead of this encounter happening in a restroom...it could have happened in a linen closet.

11199631

Yeah, wasn't super impressed with this. I guess it had to happen sooner of later.

    Well, at least I was open about it. And honestly, this kind of criticism helps more than you think. How would I know what problems to fix if I'm never informed about the problems to fix? Responding to this will help me put my 'ducks in a row.'


On a side note: I noticed you gave the stallion in this story the name Solar Urticaria. By how much detail you put into your posts, you probably know this already, but I’m pointing it out because it wasn’t intended to be his name, more the name of the condition he thought she had:

Solar urticaria is a rare allergic reaction to sun exposure. The condition causes an itchy rash or hives that appear on any skin that has been exposed to the sun. The more skin that is exposed to sunlight, the more serious the reaction will be.

   

I suppose it's nice to have a story that's a metaphor for transgenderism rather than lecturing and grinding our faces in it.

    That…:facehoof: never occurred to me. It’s random, so I thought, “heck, anything goes. Just keep it clean.”


   

There are a lot of places where you're using peculiar phrasing or incorrect words or just generally saying things that don't make very much sense.

    What you read is most likely what it sounds like when having a verbal conversation with me. I struggle with finding the right words to use on the fly, so I cut corners when I can’t find what I’m looking for to make up for that. It seems that habit slipped into this story.

media1.giphy.com/media/yhLV2DGTLDRCw/200.gif

"Bouncing with her eyebrows?" Do you mean she was waggling her eyebrows?

Oh... so that's the proper word for it. That's yet another example of my lack of vocabulary.

How does asking if Solar wants to buy the lady a drink equate to her being fired? 

if you ever worked retail or somewhere that requires pleasing the customer/tenant/whatever the proper word to use is. (I worked at a supermarket, not a hotel or vacation resort.) there's always "that one person" who finds fault in the pettiest of things and are the absolute most toxic kinds of individuals that can talk and have legs. The main character looked at her in a similar way that gave telltale signs from previous encounters that he might be one of those ponies thinking to themselves, are you stupid!? (personal experience) But in truth, he had the rug pulled out from under him, and it took a moment before he could figure out how to respond. This is followed by her panicking and making an already awkward situation more awkward by back-peddling out from something that she thinks has her job on the line.

What department? This character has just been introduced. This is a resort, not a retail store. Department of what? "Head" manager "of this department" implies multiple managers of "this department." So what department is this and how many managers does it have?

Another example of my small arsenal of vocabulary. Again I worked retail so I'm more familiar with that structure of authority. I don't have a clue on how hotels or resorts are run.

...so it's the pony who fetched the drinks earlier who's doing all this? The pony who was offering to rearrange the weather and set him up with a spa appointment? The pony who called herself "head manager?"

...ok, so after this pony had already been to his room twice, teleporting in seconds to get there and back...Solar suddenly insists that somebody else do it. Why exactly?

In this scene there are four distinct characters that are (or will be) introduced: you, Color Pallet, the stressed overworked 'service with a smile' resort worker, and the overworked worker's boss's boss.


The stressed worker on the beach is the same one going back and forth from the rooms five consecutive  times. You (the Dr.) are trying to tell her she needs to get some rest and maybe take a vacation from this vacation because she’s on the brink of burnout. It’s happening too fast for you to get a word in, and even when you do, she still insists on doing more work than she can handle.


The workers' superior (Head manager) was luckily in the restaurant/cafe/:twilightangry2: general food eating place building around the time it all went down. The moment she caught wind of the fact someone got injured through the involvement of resort workers, she decided to take the initiative and secure a good standing service in whatever way she could provide. She doesn't know who this guest is, for all she knows they're royalty of some kind. So for the reputation of the resort she works for, she's willing to pull some strings and get whatever might be needed at the ready quicker. You said it yourself:

the concern isn't ability or authority, but simply her as the person in charge wanting to make absolutely sure that a problem is dealt with

Holding back my frustration for now, I calmly continued, “But I’m definitely going to need a lot of ice. Have somepony else grab it.”

The Dr. (you) doesn’t know what skin condition Color has so as a measure of precaution, he is asking for more ice than what he is probably going to use. And he’s not angry at the ‘workers incompetence’ as much as he is trying to say ‘give me two seconds to explain everything I need’ without sounding entitled and demanding to an exhausted worker. And over the realization that the contents of two bags got ‘mishandled’ again but doesn’t blame the worker.

But after delivering the ice, she apparently thinks that it's all a ruse and that Color and Solar are really just rushing up to have…

 Well… that’s half the joke, the other half is that the doctor can’t say the reason why she is wrong to assume that, making him think ‘No! Why would you think that?! you’ve got it all wrong!’

So why does she need to hide in the bathroom if the clothing hides it? She's still wearing her clothes when the tea gets poured on her. Why does she run to the restroom?

Because there’s boiling liquid cooking her skin under all the layers when it slipped down the slight opening in her coat collar. To treat it, even with magic, would require her to remove everything the hot drink soaked into.

For that matter, why does she run? Because she's anticipating imminent transformation, right? Why? What triggers it? Is it the hot tea? It doesn't seem to be. She changes several times while she's hanging out in the restroom, no hot liquids required.

The color of her fur changes depending on her emotions, it’s something she can’t control so to hide it she always covers herself up to avoid any relatable attention it might bring.

...so, she knows healing spells, and she's been injured like this before, and her reaction to being injured isn't to deal with the problem, but rather to:

1) Go running off somewhere

2) Needlessly kick a bunch of people out of the restroom

3) Sit there and wait all by herself in the restroom for a dozen paragraphs while Solar and Miss head manager unicorn juggle getting his medical supplies

4) Climb up over the door, while injured, in order to attack and threaten the pony trying to help her

5) Sit there and wait for another half dozen paragraphs while Solar talks to Miss unicorn about ice and whether things are ok or not

6) Have an impromptu makeout session with the pony she'd just threatened and attacked

I'll assume you know about this episode. With how long Color Pallet has been the way she is, there's bound to have been some negative/aggressive reactions. The times those aggressive reactions took place is when she has needed to heal herself. And she’s applying self treatment while the fiasco outside the restroom door is happening so by the time he came through the door she had already done what she could.

Why are any of these things happening? I don't know. They just happen because why not. Fundamentally, the flow the of story, the plot, the "things that happen" just don't make very much sense.

Random is as random does, there are things that aren’t supposed to make sense, but I’ll have to work on the more glaring ones that are.
media4.giphy.com/media/czOM9AjyWfi8w/200w.gif?cid=82a1493benf8e6sgv04v4bmjqwcrh79g75dpdiunj3mwy56h&rid=200w.gif&ct=g

Do you know any editors I could reach out to for assistance? I constantly say to others that I tell stories better than I can write them and this is proof of that.

11200023

Solar Urticaria

it wasn’t intended to be his name

My mistake. Didn't see any name on first read, and when I went back to find one for the review I was quickly scrolling through and mixed up the context.

if you ever worked retail

there's always "that one person" who finds fault in the pettiest of things

Maybe, but the dynamic would be very different in a restaurant or resort or hotel because these are social places that people go to to have a good time or meet people. Going to a bar to "pick up" somebody is a thing that people do, and it wouldn't be strange for a server to offer encouragement to someone she thought was interested but not quite brave enough to make a move. Very different environment than retail.

You (the Dr.)

The narration in this story is spoken from the protagonist's point of view. that doesn't come across like it's supposed to be the reader in that role. For example, suppose I walk up to you and say, "I am a doctor." You wouldn't hear that and think I was talking about you, you would think I was talking about me. The narrator says "I," and doesn't identify himself as a third person. So it comes across like the protagonist is telling the story.

If you want "the reader to be the character" you're more likely to communicate that by using the second-person point of view. For example, if I say that "you are a doctor," you're far more likely to think I'm talking about you.

why does she need to hide in the bathroom if the clothing hides it?

Because there’s boiling liquid cooking her skin under all the layers when it slipped down the slight opening in her coat collar.

Ok, I guess, but she didn't seem very concerned about that. It came across to me more like she knew the spill was going to trigger a transformation, and that's was her primary concern. I suppose the idea is that she was concerned about both of those things and the desire to not be seen was enough for her to, uhh...run away from a doctor and go kick a bunch of people out of the restroom before tending to her skin being cooked. Yeah, having a hard time relating to that.

Do you know any editors I could reach out to for assistance?

Me? Isn't that what you asked for? I've certainly edited for other stories. A Watchful Eye, and Heaven's Not Enough, for example. And of course, feel free to read my own stories on the site to see the level of polish I typically aim for.

Considering my current workload though, I think I don't want to commit to a full chapter-by-chapter, multiple-revisions sort of arrangement. That tends to take as much time as writing them does. But I'm happy to give a few of your stories a once-over like I've been doing.

Did you have some specific question "for an editor?" I can probably answer.

11204577

The narration in this story is spoken from the protagonist's point of view.

The story is supposed to be second-person, you are the main character. Although, when speaking or thinking wouldn’t it be in first-person format?

Me? Isn't that what you asked for? I've certainly edited for other stories.

Oh,:twilightblush: I saw what you are doing more as just getting a review on each story. When I said editor, I was meaning someone to physically go into the document and correcting the illiteracies I keep overlooking.

Considering my current workload though, I think I don't want to commit to a full chapter-by-chapter, multiple-revisions sort of arrangement. That tends to take as much time as writing them does. But I'm happy to give a few of your stories a once-over like I've been doing.

I figured you had other stuff on your plate. I didn’t want to ask more out of you than what you’re already doing. But if it is something you can handle, I could PM you the google docs link.

11204681

The story is supposed to be second-person, you are the main character.

This story is not written in second person.


Example of first person
As I entered the park, a cute pony saw me and waved.

"Hello!" I beamed at her. "I'm Element of Malice. How are you?"

"I'm happy that you're here!" she smiled back at me.


Example of second person
As you entered the park, a cute pony saw you and waved.

"Hello!" you beamed at her. "I'm Element of Malice. How are you?"

"I'm happy that you're here!" she smiled back at me.


Although, when speaking or thinking wouldn’t it be in first-person format?

Yes, as shown in the example above, when you say "I'm" the Element of Malice. But notice that the unspoken narration says "as you entered the park" and "you beamed at her." I think you may be confusing thinking with narration. Look at this from the opening paragraph of It's Not Contagious:

I sighed in relaxation before rubbing my beach towel deeper into the dry sand to make a back-shaped crater for better support and comfort. I put my hooves behind my head and also pressed them into the sand. Enjoying this warm weather, I gave another, more prolonged, bliss-filled sigh.

Your protagonist isn't thinking to himself "I sighed in relaxation." He isn't thinking "I put my hooves behind my head." This is narration.

Imagine you're the one doing the above. Would you think any of that to yourself? Would you think "I sighed in relaxation" while you sigh in relaxation? No, you would simply do it. Your character might (be doing, or have done) these things, but in either case he wouldn't describe these actions to himself in his head. Or consider later in the story, where we have this:

The mare and I talked until the sun began to set. All the while, she stayed in her outfit, paying no mind to all the stares she was receiving from other ponies and creatures alike.

This isn't a character's thoughts. This is narration. Your narrator is describing these things to the reader, telling us that they happened. Yes, your protagonist happens to be the narrator, but that doesn't make the reader the character. It's more like the character is telling us what happened.

------

When I said editor, I was meaning someone to physically go into the document and correcting the illiteracies I keep overlooking.

I prefer not to work that way, because it means spending a lot of time continually correcting the same mistakes over and over, and you not improving as a writer. If I explain things to you, like in the above, and you have to be the one to make changes...then you can learn and grow and all of your writing will improve. It's a better way of handling things.

11204821

animemotivation.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/kuroko-shirai-head-bang-gif.gif

Brain fart. I should have known that.

I'll have to read this later. On my lunch break.

11204821

This isn't a character's thoughts. This is narration. Your narrator is describing these things to the reader, telling us that they happened. Yes, your protagonist happens to be the narrator, but that doesn't make the reader the character. It's more like the character is telling us what happened.

Okay, I see what you're saying now. That's something I can go through and fix.

I prefer not to work that way, because it means spending a lot of time continually correcting the same mistakes over and over, and you not improving as a writer. If I explain things to you, like in the above, and you have to be the one to make changes...then you can learn and grow and all of your writing will improve. It's a better way of handling things.

In that case, I'll get started on making the corrections. I've got a lot of work by the looks of it.

thumbs.gfycat.com/DeterminedDismalEquestrian-size_restricted.gif

In the meantime, you could probably move to the next story, but only if that still rests in your interest. I don't want to come across as demanding or entitled and hope I haven't already. My online communication skills leave much to be desired.

11205203

That's something I can go through and fix.

Well, it's not broken. Maybe it's not what you intended, but why do you want to change it? I'm not seeing anything that demands it be the reader in this story rather than some random OC. Also, second person point of view is generally best delivered in present tense, whereas most of this story is written in past tense. Swapping all of that out would require a rewrite of nearly every sentence, and I'm not sure the story would be improved by it.

Why do you want this to be a reader-insert?

11205220

Why do you want this to be a reader-insert?

Because that was the original intent when it was written. Also, it should be good practice for me to write better in the future.

FWVLIW, i kinda enjoyed the whimsically odd phrasings. For example, i thought for just an instant, "maybe i should tell the writerer that defenestration refers to windows." But then i decided that it was probably on purpose and it certainly was amusing, at least to some of us ponies. The ill-fitting choice of verb speaks with rich subtly to the utter bafflement (to put it lightly) experienced by all the mares suddenly ejected. Sure, they were pushed out the door, but they might feel like they just got chucked out the window.

P.S. in sans-serif, the uppercase letter I like India, in "CoNtAgIoUs" reads like a lower case l like Lima. IOW, i read the title as being something like: "IT'S NOT CONTAGLOUS" (here i put it in all caps to avoid letter dimorphy issues)

11548134
Yeah this one does need a good amount of work on the delivery. I tend to tell stories better than I write them, and it seems to be getting harder as years pass, not that I was really all that great to begin with.

Glad you liked them though.

11548212

I tend to tell stories better than I write them

What if you sat down with a dictation machine and plenty of wax cylinders (or mayhap something more modern-like) and told a story from start to end verbally. Then transcribe the recording, verbatim, to the written word and see how it works. Just an idea for a way to utilize that skill which you say you are better at. You might end up with something more alive feeling, like actually listening to a wise old pony telling a story.
Cheers

11548254
Words on a paper lose the body language of the words that are spoken. I’ve explored different methods I have access to like speech-to-text. But that seems to be a constant issue.

Login or register to comment