A Rose for my Love?
Beauty and Her Spike
The Greatest Sparity Ever Told
Chapter 1: A Rose for my Love?
Celestia’s sun rose high over Ponyville, as it seemed to do on most days. The pegasi had done a great job clearing the skies; not a cloud or blemish marred it. The birds chirped and sang their cheery tunes, a squirrel scurried up a tree with a mouth full of nuts to store for winter, as the snow storms were to soon come, and most of the animals were getting ready for hibernation. But there was one creature that was just waking up, and as the light of the sun peeked through the window of the Ponyville Library, a little purple dragon rubbed his eyes.
The drake gave a big yawn as he turned in his sleep. He slowly sat up, still groggy with morning fatigue. He gave another big yawn as he stretched his arms out, arching his back as he did so. Giving his head a few shakes, he looked over to Twilight’s bed. The bed was empty, the purple unicorn had already gotten up, probably downstairs studying or something. As Spike slowly walked out of his bed, he caught a glance out the window.
“It sure is a beautiful day,” he said quietly to himself as he walked towards the window, sticking his head out to soak in all the sun. He observed the animals and the quiet town come to life, the ponies going on with their daily business. Little fillies and colts skipped and pranced towards school, where their teacher happily greeted her students. In the center of town, the many stands were setting up, getting ready for the daily market. It seemed like an average day in Ponyville, but today was very special for a certain dragon…
“Today is the day!” sighed Spike as he gazed out the window as he slumped his head into his claws. In the distance, he could see the Carousal Boutique off in the distance. It was by far the most beautiful building in town, and it was also home to the prettiest mare in Ponyville, probably even Canterlot. “Today is the day,” he hummed to himself, slowly slipping into something a little more…
“It’s a wonderful day, say’s I,
There’s not a single cloud in the sky
And today will be great, cause today is the day,
It’s a wonderful day say’s I!"
The dragon turned around, and quickly but carefully scurried down the wooden steps of the library and into the main living area. From there he could smell the delicious scent of hay bacon and fried rubies, his favorite breakfast! He willingly followed the enticing aromas of the sizzling bacon, almost floating to the smell of the scent. He opened the door to be greeted by Twilight Sparkle, his official/unofficial boss, caretaker, and big sister. The unicorn was nose deep in a book while she tended to breakfast with a simple levitation spell.
“Good morning Twilight!” piped Spike happily, taking a seat next to the mare.
“Oh, good morning Spike, did you have a good sleep?” asked Twilight sincerely, breaking away from her book for a second to greet the little dragon.
“The best!” he said happily. “But who wouldn’t be happy today? Today is going to be the greatest day ever!” His stomach grumbled. “Hey, umm Twi, when’s breakfast going to be done?”
The mare rolled her eyes as she levitated the pan of food towards Spike, dumping the contents of the pan onto the dragon’s plate. “Eat up,” she giggled.
“Thanks!” said the little drake, staring starry eyed at the food. Without wasting another moment, the dragon dug into his breakfast, not taking manners into mind. “This is great, Twilight!”
“Spike, don’t talk with your mouth open,” grumbled the unicorn, a piece of stray food flinging onto her cheek. “You’re going to get dragon drool on my book.”
“Sorry Twilight,” sighed Spike, licking his mouth clean of all leftover food. “What are you reading anyways?”
“This new romance novel I ordered from Canterlot!” the purple mare smiled, “It’s called ‘The Blindness of Her Aching Heart.’ It’s really interesting! It has dragons and swordfights, and a prince in disguise.” She clutched the book to her chest as she let out a dreamy sigh. “I wish I could meet somepony as great as the prince in this book.
Spike scrunched his face up as he made gagging sounds. “Sounds girly, I’m out of here. Later Twilight!” called the dragon as he threw his dirty plate into the sink and rushed out the door. “Girly and sappy, blah that’s not for me,” he grumbled, quickly forming a smile. “Romance on the other hoof… well...”
“It’s a beautiful day, indeed,
Birds are singing in all the trees!
There’s a cat and a mouse, making love in a house!
It’s a wonderful day says I!”
“WHAT?!”
Spike turned around to see a magenta mare with a deep red mane. Berry Punch’s face was frozen in a state of shock, disbelief, and confusion.
Spike nervously giggled. “Sorry, I needed a rhyme.” The mare just turned around and continued walking where she was going before she had been shocked. “Now then where was I?”
“It’s a glorious day, you see
Cause I’ll finally tell Rarity…
When I gaze at her face, it makes my heart ache,
My palms get all sweaty,
My heartbeat’s not steady,
But I really don’t care, because I love that mare,
A date there will be, I’m sure she’ll agree!
And it’s a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful day say’s I!
He fell to his knees, spreading his arms and panting heavily. He turned around, witnessing a few ponies that had gotten caught up in the chorus, as there were four mares still holding that last ‘I’ note. He walked away from the crazy ponies and skipped into town.
“Now, if I’m going to ask Rarity out on a date, I’m going to need a flower!” said Spike, looking at the stalls of the market, searching until he found the one he was looking for: The Flower Sisters Flower Stand. At the moment, it was Rose tending the stall. “Hey Rose!”
The amber-mane pony turned from her flowers to see the adorable purple dragon. “Oh, hello there Spike, is there anything that I can help with you with?”
“There is!” explained the dragon excitedly, “I need a flower, a beautiful one, if fact, the most beautiful flower you have please!”
“Ooooooo,” cooed the earth pony, “Is it for your special somepony?”
Spike shook his head. “You bet! It’s for the most beautiful pony in all of Ponyville!”
“Spike, I’m flattered, but you don’t have to do that,” smiled Rose, batting her eyelashes.
“What? No it’s not for you—Not that you’re not pretty! It’s just that—Well, what I mean is--” Spike wiped some sweat off his brow. “Oh no. I’m screwed, aren’t I?”
The mare laughed. “Relax, I’m just teasing you, I know who this is for!” she smiled, reaching into the bushel of roses, and picking out the reddest and healthiest rose in the batch. “Here, on the house, all things considering.”
“Really? Thanks Rose!” the dragon happily cheered, taking the rose in hand. “I’m sure she’ll love it!” He quickly took off, running towards his final destination: The Carousal Boutique.This is it! I can’t believe that I’m actually going to do this! he thought. He stepped up to the door. Puffing up his chest and flexing all his muscle, he knocked. All right Spike, time to make your dreams come true! The door slowly creaked opened. She’s opening the door, oh goddess, she opening the door! The door finally revealed her, the most beautiful mare that he had ever seen, ever since he saw her all that time ago.
Rarity was the picture of beauty. Her perfect violet mane with its bouncing curls that bobbed seductively every time she swayed her head. Her flawlessly-kept coat gleamed like fresh, fallen snow adorned with enticing diamonds. And her face, that caring, beautiful face, and those gorgeous, gorgeous blue eyes shined like blue stars in the night sky. Everything about her made Spike’s legs feel like jelly.
“Well, if it isn’t my little Spiky-wiky!” charmed Rarity. “Now to what do I owe the pleasure of having Ponyville’s cutest dragon come and visit me?”
“H-h-h-hi Rarity!” stammered the baby dragon; all prior confidence had completely vanished. “I was wondering….” His voice trailed off into an inaudible whisper.
“Darling, you’ll have to speak up a little,” said Rarity, turning her head. “You were wondering what, dear?”
“I-I was wondering if you…” His heart was racing; maybe this wasn’t a good idea at all. “I was wondering if you….”
“If I would do what, dear?” asked Rarity innocently. “You don’t have to be so tongue tied around me. You can tell me anything. You know that.”
“Anything?”
The mare put a hoof on the dragon’s shoulder. “Anything, dear.”
Spike took a deep breath. This was it, he was going to tell her everything. The dragon held out the rose that he had gotten from earlier, “Rarity…I really like you.”
“Well, I like you too,” Rarity said, completely oblivious to what Spike had actually meant. “How could I not like such a little cutie pie?” she asked, pinching the dragon’s cheek.
“N-no, I mean, I like, umm…. like-like you.”
Rarity’s smile dropped, “Oh,” she said nervously, turning around so Spike couldn’t see her frustration. “Umm, I think I have some orders to attend to, big winter line up!”
“I’ve liked you since I first saw you,” Spike said, letting it all out. “Sometimes, you’re all that I can think of.”
“That’s really sweet, dear,” the now-sweating mare said, trying to hide her distress behind some red fabric. “But I really have some work I need to catch up with.”
“Well, if you have any time after, do you think…” He held up the rose. “Would you maybe like to go out on a date sometime?” He gritted his teeth in a smile as he waited for her response.
But the unicorn said nothing, and every passing moment that she said nothing quickly ate away at Spike’s hopes. “Spike,” the mare finally sighed, dropping the fabric. “I really am flattered that you have, umm... such strong feelings for me and you are definitely one of the kindest and sweetest dragons I know…”
“And?” asked Spike, building up his hopes.
The unicorn looked down to the ground. “And, I’m afraid that I’ll have to decline.” She bit her lips nervously as she awaited the dragon’s response.
But he didn’t. He just stood there, completely stunned, the sadness and rejection was clear on his face, as a single tear formed at the bottom of his eye. “D-d-decline?” he stuttered. “But why?”
“It’s complicated, dear,” she said, strain in her voice. “You are cute in your, umm, dragonish charms, and you are most helpful.” She sighed; this wasn’t easy for her to say. “And if you were a pony, I would have said yes in a heartbeat.”
“B-but you didn’t!” the small dragon cried. “You didn’t cause I’m a dragon! A stupid, ugly dragon!”
“Spike, I’m appalled!” she gasped. “I never said that! You are not ugly, and I’m sure that there are plenty of dragonesses that would love to go out with you.”
“But I’m not in love with a dragoness,” bawled the dragon. “I’m in love with you!”
“I’m sorry dear,” sighed the pony, bowing her head down. “But the answer is no.”
Spike couldn’t believe it, the mare of his dreams had rejected him, all because he was a dragon. An ugly, stupid dragon that thought he could actually be together with a pony. He couldn’t take it. With a heavy heart and the rose still clenched in his claw, he turned around and ran out of the Boutique, leaving nothing in his wake but a trail of watery tears and misery.
[Edited by Bunsen and Not Worthy]
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Same gut punch.
Every damn time.
wow, that start is't completely overused.
*EPIC GENTLMAN SARCASM*
1163712
See. I knew it.
Hold on, I forgot something.
There. Fixed it.
1163716 ...hanh?
iambrony.jsmart.web.id/mlp/gif/171875%20-%20animated%20Artist-nomorethan9%20epic_wub_time%20rainbow_dash%20reaction_face.gif
Been waiting for this, I'll read it when I've got some time.
1163724
Sorry.
Talking to Flim on Skype.
Aw poor Spike, reading this made me feel really guilty for what I did in my story to AB. Can't wait for more
Honestly I read the synopsis, and the first thing that ran through my mind; "Oh god not another spike becomes a pony story." I kept reading and now I'm kinda intrigued. But confused a little, majority of the story is going to be about him learning to accept himself as a dragon, or is that going to be only a few chapters, than the rest is going to be about him as a pony trying to get rarity? I'm only asking because I've kinda reached my limit on "spike becoming a pony to win rarity's love" stories.
1163802 just wait until the next chapter, then everything will be clear. but no, this is not another 'spike becomes a pony story'
Spike doesn't realize that he has an entire town of ponies that are willing to break out in song and dance. Use that to your advantage, you fool!
But it was a good start. Spike's little song was hilarious
Can't wait for more!
Today is a great day Spike
Although slightly cliche, I will admit, the start was easily pictured! I'll keep tabs on this
~
1163820
Didn't even start reading lol, I was going to until my question was answered. So I'll start.....soon....
Great start so far I can not wait to see what happen next and how you fully use the storyline of Beauty and the Beast and transfer it for this story. I can not wait to read the next chapter that you post you are doing a great job so far.
1163821
Also very prone to going very wrong.
Only in Ponyville does an entire group randomly break into a previously unknown song.
I'm screwed aren't I. I found this appropriate.
That's cold man, cold.
1163896 glad you liked it?
A good story so far. I can't wait to read more!
i1077.photobucket.com/albums/w468/x_iHeartMLP_x/imagesCAJV3239.jpg
1163901 Why are you asking me? How could I know how you feel?
1163928 just was wondering if you liked it or not
So is spike still small? or is it like the cover pic and he's a bit older? I'm confused...
1163959 he is small, but thats going to change soon....
This can turn into something absolutely amazing
Poor Spike. You know, the sad thing is, in about 90% of the stories i read, he just can't win.
Although... I gotta say, Spike's approach is always wrong. He should try coming at Rarity like a sir.
Get his top hat, coat, swagger stick, and turn his swag on.
1163974 aha... looking forward to it then... tracked
on a side note: poor spike, rejection hurts and the "if you were a pony i would have said yes" sure as hell didn't help
This is great can't wait to see more.
i love it
Thought of this the entire time I read this.
Ah...
I always enjoy a character afflicted with heartbreak.
Makes for a very interesting read.
A great story with a lot of potential. This was a great start and hope to see more soon.
1163941 Happy times are abound so i'm a go with yes!
1163277 Agreed
wow, at first I was like go Spike tell her how you feel, then after reading the part where Rarity says if he was a pony should would have said yes in a heart beat. I emotion went from OH HELL YA
for Spike, then to
Spike it will be ok.
I feel for him, like I have been in a moment like that, that's funny though considering the fact that I have never been a relationship before.
1167028 Well glad you like it! be sure to fav so you can see what happens next, the next chapter of this should be out soon. plus a track realy helps me out
your one of my loyal fans Pony Knight, and i know that you're gonna love where this is headed!
Ok this is what the first chapter says to me through this song
Spike wakes up in the morning, feels good that things are going to work out between him and Rarity. He feels confidant that, when he asks her out she will say yes. He gets ready, eats breakfast, talks to Twilight a little bit then he heads out the door. Hes rhyming or singing, gets the one thing that has always stood for love in most story's, but I wont say all of them but most is the Red Rose Flower. He heads to Rarity's shop with his confidence high and also his hopes. He Knocks on the door to talk to her, he tries to tell her how he feels, at fist she does not understand, then in his own way tells her how he really feels. She finally understands and turns him down, now the only that is going through spikes head is, what have I done wrong, is it because I am a dragon, am I not handsome enough, no the reason she does not love me, is because I am not a pony, I am a dragon, a dragon who she could never love.
That is what I got out of the first chapter, and the extra feelings I got out of it with using this song.
Please tell me if anybody or anypony felt or got the same thing or something else.
Let me guess. Blueblood is Gaston?
Spike, you really screwed up this time....*facepalm*
well damn... ok I'm hooked. please continue.
1167103 reading your comment with that music made me all cryee inside. and yes there are a fw ppl who feel bad for Spike
1167338 no.......... he worse
Finally read it....and yea my fears still remain!
1183897 your fears of this being a 'spike becomes a stallion' story? all i can say is that do u really think that i would do that? trust me bro. i got this
all fears will be removed by the next chapter
1183926
I trust none without reason! o.O
oh goddess spike. he's way in over his head. The MLP writers should have a dragonesse love interest for spikey- wikey in season 3. or atleast have rarity confront him or something so he isn't let down so hard. idk whatever. but awesome 1st chapter. i'll read the 2nd one when i get the chance!
Warning: This comment observes the entirety of this chapter. If you don't want spoilers, DON'T read this comment!
Hello there, FlimFlamBros.! I've come here to see one of your larger projects, and have decided to comment and critique both chapters... starting with this one, of course!
Keep in mind that these comments & criticisms are not meant to discourage you in any way; they are only meant to help you out.
Let's get started!
Chapter 1: A Rose for my Love?
You have "rose" capitalized in the chapter choice and not capitalized here?
Okay. A decent beginning; a connection between the setting and the main character. Nice.
I believe that sentence beginning with "The bed was empty" is a run-on sentence. I think this part--"the purple unicorn had already gotten up, probably downstairs studying or something"--is unnecessary; we can tell that she is already up, and unless this is from Spike's point-of-view, I don't think we need to know where Twilight probably is.
I think this part--"the many stands were setting up"-- would make more sense if we don't see it as the stands setting it up. I'd suggest putting an indication of ponies there. Also, we know it's Spike; that last bit with the "certain dragon" doesn't seem necessary.
I must comment that I like where it's going.
Those apostrophes in "say's" aren't necessary. Also, I don't think sighing something would be something to end with an exclamation mark, as you did in the first part of this paragraph.
1. Is there ANY mention of hay bacon in the show? If not...
I cannot get over that. A pony making bacon... But that's just me.
2. I don't think we need to know that Twilight asked Spike sincerely. That seems like a dead word.
Let's see where this is going.
This is a very nice exchange, and a good reference to Beauty and the Beast. I'd like to point out a few things:
1. Using words like said, called, and sighed repeatedly can get a little annoying. Notice in your second-to-last paragraph how you don't have any of that, and you let the actions speak for themselves? I suggest doing that more often.
2. I was taught that if you do three periods right after each other without spaces (... <- like that), you need a space after them. This--“Romance on the other hoof…well...”--wouldn't be right. You'd need a space before the word "well".
Moving on!
*spits water out*
cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/anchorman-well-that-escalated-quickly.jpg
I'd be saying the same thing!
You're so silly. This is great.
She was shocked, and then she continued walking? That was fast.
That doesn't rhyme!gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs3/3673822_o.gif
I think adding one more "wonderful" will keep the flow nice.
1. That second sentence is a run-on. I suggest replacing the words "there seemed to be" to "witnessing" or "seeing" or "startled at". But that's just me.
2. He walked away from them and then skipped into town? That's an awkward transition, methinks.
A nice continuation. Carry on, please.
I'm not sure, but this appears to be good interaction.
Oh, Rose. You so silly. I do contest to her "smiled" words. I suggest changing that to "she smiled" or something.
Here we go!
I don't like how you have that comma after "beauty"; it throws the entire thin off for me. I suggest either changing it to a period, so you can describe each feature in a sentence, or a colon, to make it seem like a list of things that make up something "more than the sum of its parts".
"Charmed"? I question this word usage.
I'm actually getting nervous about this. Let's continue.
1. Why wasn't there any mention of how Rarity reacted to the rose? It would've been nice to know if she ignored it or took it in adoration.
2. Why "frustration"?
3. We finally get to the confession and you're rushing it. Rarity isn't stunned by this? She already knew about this?
Where'd the red fabric come from? Aren't they still at the door? Have I missed something? And I still say you're rushing it.
He held up the rose again? I'll admit, I'm a bit confused.
But this is going very well.
1. I think this part--"you are definitely one of the most kindest and sweetest dragon I know…"--would sound better like this: "you are definitely one of the kindest and sweetest dragons I know..." Consider this, please.
2. I don't think the word "such" needs to be capitalized.
Oh, boy!
That second sentence is a run-on sentence. I think it would sound better as something like this: "He just stood there, completely stunned (I don't like the word frozen; "stunned" gives this moment that intense shock feeling I would be going for); his face contorted violently, and a tear formed in his eye".
Very nice.
VERY nice.
I don't like this part--"gasped the white unicorn". That distracts from this moment. I suggest replacing it with an action, maybe of comfort or shock.
I don't think the words "pony" or "down" are necessary. But now we get to the highest point of tension in the chapter:
That semicolon should probably be a colon. Also, I don't like how distant this is from Spike; the second sentence seems more like the author telling us this rather than Spike's emotions permeating to us.
Also, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ROSE?
Anywho, despite all of my whining, this fic has awakened something within me. I like how everything played out, and everything seemed to go well. I had my doubts about you rushing it, but the rest of it streamlined into greatness. I just pointed things out; I'm favoriting this, and I will be watching.
Please don't expect my critique of chapter 2 to be as in-depth as this one. Also, please don't be discouraged by anything said here; it's only meant to help.
The best of your talents with the rest of this story!
Aww, poor Spike.
This story is really good. And I can't stand romance.
fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2011/302/e/8/oh_what_a_guy_by_clopin98-d4echs1.jpg "How can anypony read this? It's too much like Beauty and the Beast." Jokes aside I like where this is going, cause I'm a big sucker for romance stories *sigh*.
EVERY TIME! Every time it's appearances that put people (or in this case ponies) off!
Dammit, Rarity! What did he do to deserve you breaking his heart? Bought you a rose!
Uh, don't you mean 'don't talk with your mouth full'? Kinda hard not to talk without your mouth open....
About time I got this off Read it Later and into Favorite...
First of all before I move on to the next couple of chapters I would like to point out a couple things.
Knowing how much Spike likes Rarity, it isn't bad if you can get into detail of how deep this love goes. Not saying to write what Spike is thinking or anything, but something to get us started, maybe a dream per say.
I feel like the transitioning all happens to quick.
That being said, what I mean is that the way you go from Spike waking up to lets say, spike going to eat breakfast, all happens too fast.
I think it wouldn't hurt to go into detail and how you transition the different settings.
All in all, I feel like this story is being extremely rushed as a first chapter.
I expected to sit back and relax as I can read what I'm getting into of a story.
I feel like you jumped right into the situation and left me hanging unattended.
Now whether not you simply don't have time to write as much, I feel like a story like this could feel much more opening if you just sat back and flowed it a bit more. It kinda felt like a wobbly roller coaster where you went into detail, then you don't. When you talked about how Rarity looked to Spike, I was thinking you were going to slow down, but then, it felt rushed.
I think you could have improved the situations if you laid it out more on the field. That being said, simply not rushing things.
Other than that, I will come back with more of ow I feel because from the taste in my mouth I have right now, I feel like I need to share of how I feel about the story.
Trust me when I say this, I don't mean to harm your work, It's just that touching this subject should feel longer than lets say: AppleDash fics.
P.S: These are my thoughts for chapter one. Maybe I was wrong and I maybe the next chapters change my mind, but this is how I feel for an opening. I do like where this is going.
Poor spike...