When one of the mane six passes away, the others start to fall apart... one by one.
Chapters (6)
flame phoenix
Joined 31st Oct, 2011 ·
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- flame phoenix · 2.4k words · 5 7 · 1.2k views
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Oh no... Who died? Actually, I don't know if I wanna know... Or do I? I'm a little worried now... Tracking. This is really good, asides from a spelling mistake.
I am interested by this. Now I need to read on to find out who's the poor soul who died.
If it was Twilight who died
This was good, but I'm going to be honest here and say that I was a bit annoyed with a few things.
-Apostrophes ( ' ) have specific uses in writing. They are not used for speaking roles unless inside another speaking role. Please use ".
Example of apostrophes in writing. He said, "I was walking down the lane when I heard Daniel say, 'Oh look who is here.'"
-WHO DIED? I tried reading this several times but you gave no clear indication. If it was a mystery to the reader about who it was who died, that's great. But seeing as Pinkie Pie (I assume she was the narrator) said, "I saw the body," that should let the reader know too. If it's not unknown to the narrator, it should not be unknown to the reader.
-Minor tense issues and it wouldn't hurt to grab a thesaurus.
Sorry if it sounds like I'm being mean, but when I read a new story I believe in giving honest feedback. I won't spam your comment anymore with me rambling, good work. Continue this story, it's good. Just saying there could be room for improvement.
74281 I think it was Scootaloo who died.
But that's just a guess with the text at the beginning and end about a birthday and a funeral.
well we know its not pinkie or rarity, so who is it?
Everything after the part about making the treats seemed a bit rushed and you need to use " instead of ' for dialogue, but other than that it the story seems like it could have potential, so it's a track from me.
If it's Fluttershy who died...
Wow....I wanna know who died!!!!! I agree with the other comments so i wont mention the mistakes but hurry and update when you can. Please don't tell me it's Rainbow Dash that dies
74290 The description says that it was one of the mane six that died.
74353
It's a tragic MLP fic, of course it was Rainbow who died. If you're looking for a sad story on any MLP fanfic site, chances are the one you find will have Rainbow in a key role, most frequently the victim. I don't know why people seem to think she's so fun to kill, but they always do.
Besides, Pinkie had kept talking about Rainbow during the par when she was making the snacks.
Also, there was one mistake I noticed at the end: it's the Everfree Forest, not the Evergreen Forest.
74290
The description said one of the mane six died, so it can't be scootaloo.
There was a mention of royal guards, so it has a possibility of being Twilight.
i will kill the FUCK out of you if you killed Twilight or Fluttershy.
I am tracking and can't wait to see how it progresses. I am thinking it's not Twilight because being so magical she should by all means be able to protect herself from anything. Nature or otherwise... maybe Flutteryshy? That would be so sad.
74283
LOL.
RE: Apostrophes-
Thank you!
This is good the (' ') you use aren't what I'm used to, but I still understand it, and I'm really interested where you're going with this, I personally think it's RD who died, I hope not she's my 2nd favorite, I know my favorite isn't dead, but I still hope no one like Twilight or Fluttershy is dead, as much as it makes a good story, I would make me sad to see them die, and now that I think about it the only one left in my list is Applejack, but I don't think she died, and that makes me again fear that one of my favs is dead
Right, this story is a sort of experiment to see whether I can write tragedies. Loads of u are under the impression it's one of the mane 6, and your right, it says so in the description. This is written in European-English, sorry for the inconvenience! I will change the speech marks and try to find the mistakes!
I can't believe that u guys actually like this!!!!
It was Fluttershy who died?!?
I'm going to miss her.
R.I.P Fluttershy: 2010-2011
"The royal guards told me."
It's Twilight. It just has to be.
F-F-F-F-Fluttershy? NOOOOOOO! SHE'S TOO INNOCENT!
74430
It was Fluttershy!
Now hold on. It isn't mentioned that it was Fluttershy anywhere. Simply because it happened at Fluttershy's, does not mean it was her. There are still four other possibilities.
It could still be Twilight since Spike was at Fluttershy's.
If it is Twilight I'll love and tolerate you so hard you'll think Rick Perry will make a good President.
I'm glad and at the same time sad, I wanted RD to be alive but that doesn't mean I wanted Fluttershy to die, but it's a good story so I'm a still read it
I'm sorry, but you lost my attention when you talked about Rarity being an orphan. Up until the Nightmare Night episode I would have been fine about someone making such a claim in a fic, but because in the Sisterhooves Social episode they actually showed Rarity's parents, I feel like she is now on the list of ponies who you can't make such a claim about. It's just a pet peeve of mine; I can't stand it when fanon makes claims that have already been proven false in the canon. Rainbow, Fluttershy, and Applejack's parents still haven't been shown, so it would be fine to write about their parents dying, but once a character's parents have been shown then it becomes too late to claim that the character is an orphan as far as I'm concerned.
Listen snakemen, those were, in my opinion, her foster parents! Does THAT make sense? I'm not claiming that's what happened, I'm just trying to get you off the scent of the dead some pony!
U guys are getting close with finding out whose dead, but I'm gonna really mix it up with the next narrator!
To be honest, the royal guards would be there even if it was Lyra or Bon-bon who died. Just saying
U keep me in suspense and guessing.
I like that.
1 format problem from what I saw; could use more descriptive words.
Chapter three is now out!
Just because she's falling, doesn't mean that she's a pegasi.
Three options remain:
2 rite, Lucefudu!
Finally someone gets it!
You're making this so hard to guess. It sounds like it might be Rainbow since she was out in the storm, but you said it was at Fluttershy's Cottage and then you said that Spike was there! Dammit my head hurts!
All I know is that Applejack might commit suicide because of how it was worded at the end.
Continue writing this sad, but yet so beautiful story!
I TOLD you I'll mix it up with the next narrator!
Dam it man has thou not read the
guide to writing. To Quote:
8. Give your readers as much infomation as possible, as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches east the last few pages..
I hope it helps.
If it's Twilight or fluttershy -
NOOO!!!!
Can't wait to find out who it is!
DON'T DIE FLUTTERSHY!
UR MY FAVE PONY!!
81715 Says you! Suspense is good in stories.
I think the riddle, if you read it closely enough, and ignore certain parts, gives it away.
No offence Wilhelm II, German Emperor,
But I think that suspense keeps u interested; I mean, if u read a story that gives away all its info with the first chapter, ur not going to be interested in the rest are u?
If a story gives away all its info quickly, its back round and text will have a rushed feel; Well, thats what I personally think. Just sayin
81792 81770
Guide to writing says differently.
, or she'll get 
.
I'm just saying what the Twilight sparkle guide to write states.
Thou under it does state that. "He also said that the greatest of writers can break every single one of this rules-Execept the first.
It isn't my personal view, I think its okay ,its just that the
And you can't argue with
I now what u mean...
can get 
VERY quickly!
81924
I know, I remeber the time I made a joke about her, then a book fell on my head.
She can get you from across the 4th wall.
OOOOOO!!!!! NASTY!!!! How heavy was the book? Was it by any chance "History Of Equestria"? If it was I bet ur head would never feel the same again!
83093
It was a National geographic history of the world That I own.
It retrospect, If you have 4 book selves full of books , then don't anger the ponies that controls books.
4 shelves? O dammit! I own 6 shelves full of books!
I guess that Twilight will pretty much kill me if the books were in the same room as me!
83147
Did I say shelves I ment bookcases 4 full bookcases. Each with 4 shelves so thats .16 shelves, then there the pile of 46 books in the attic, and 35 on a kindle.
So yeah, I have a lot of books.
Oooo... Twilight does have a lot of chances to kill u! make sure u don't stay in the same room where books are when shes angry!
Thats the probalm, 2 book selfs at next to my bed adn computor, the other 2 are in the attatic.
So if shes made, I can't type, sleep or hide in the attack.
But lately Discord has been spotting her so its all good.
All right bronies: all will be revealed with the next chapter. Is it Fluttershy or Twilight? Find out soon!
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Is all I have to say on this matter. Hurry it up already!!!!! Make it STOP!!
:P
It's Twilight! Why did you have to kill her you bastard!
It's obvious:
1.Astronomy tower
2.Will gave her a bunch of books on flight
Just why man, why? Why did you kill her off?