Sandbar and Gallus

by Botched Lobotomy

A thousand times the worse to want thy light

“Two households both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hooves unclean.”

Stars, this was boring. Like, really boring. Like, so boring I was gonna fall asleep, and if I did that Scribe would send me to go talk to Counsellor Trixie, and I’d already been to see her three times this week, and it’d be a whole thing I’d rather not get into. That meant staying awake, though, and...

“Is it just me, or is this the worst?” Smolder grumbled, beside me.

I snorted. “Pretty much.”

Ocellus, just in front, shot us a scandalised look. “It’s one of the greatest plays ever written.”

Smolder and I exchanged glances.

“Uh-huh.”

“Sure.”

Ocellus, smiling, shook her head. “Just listen! The music of it, the flow...”

I yawned exaggeratedly. “It’s relaxing, I’ll give it that.”

“It’s romantic,” Ocellus corrected. Smolder mimed throwing up.

“It’s nonsense, is what it is. Can’t understand a word.”

“No, no!” Ocellus turned in her seat toward us, waving her hooves dramatically. “You just have to pay attention, it’s actually quite beautiful. It tells you right at the start how it’s going to end, and—”

“Ocellus.” Scribe – our teacher, the villain forcing this dreariness upon us – sounded quite unamused. Ocellus whimpered.

“S-sorry, sir.”

“If I may continue.”

Ocellus nodded, staring straight ahead and trying very hard to ignore us. Smolder winced. I bit back a snicker. The play droned on.

---

Claws clicked, hooves clopped, wings flapped as the lot of us ambled down the corridor.

“Aww, really?”

I chuckled. “Yup. Scribe’s forcing us to do some fossilised ’Pear romance for our report.

“Yeah,” Smolder said. “I mean, if we have to do one of these old plays, can’t we do that one with all the killing? You know, with the skull. Macbeth.”

“Hamlet,” said Ocellus.

“Yeah – that’d be much more interesting!”

“Totally,” I agreed.

Sandbar’s eyes were wide. “What? You guys get to do Romeo and Juliet?”

“Unfortunately,” said Smolder.

“Sucks, right?” I added.

“Dude, no! You’re so lucky!”

I stopped, turning to stare at him. “Huh?”

“Romeo’s great! I wish we got to do stuff like that.”

“Why?” I asked, honestly baffled. Something approaching suspicion crossed my mind. “What are you doing?”
Sandbar shrugged. Yona, beside him, announced, “The Tragical History of the Life and Death of Doctor Faust!”

I blinked. “The what?”

“It about pony who makes deal with draconequus and gets dragged into Tartarus!”

“It’s sooo dramatic!” Silverstream put in.

“Seriously?”

“Oh, come on,” Smolder huffed.

Sandbar made a face. “It’s really long.”

“Really cool, you mean!” I hopped into the air, swooping around him excitedly. “How come you get to read about ponies going to Tartarus while we’re stuck doing some sappy romance? That is so completely not fair.”

Sandbar shrugged, running a hoof through his mane. “I’d rather be doing ’Pear, if I’m honest.”

I flapped round to him, clasping my claws together. “Can we please switch places?” I begged.

His cheeks coloured. “I wish, dude.”

“New teacher really strict,” explained Yona.

“Aww...” I pouted. “Can’t you just make a deal with Discord or something?”

“And get carried off to Tartarus?” Silverstream gasped.

Smolder nodded solemnly. “A small price to pay for getting out of Romeo and Juliet.”

I landed back beside her with a sigh. “Yup. Romance? Lame.”

“You said it,” she agreed.

Sandbar nodded, but didn’t meet my eye.

---

Studying always sucked, but just then it sucked even more than usual. Somehow, reading Romeo and Juliet myself was even more boring than listening to Scribe waffle over it. I frankly hadn’t thought that was possible, but hey, the world was full of surprises. I stared at the words on the page, willing them to make sense.

“This,” Smolder said, raising her head from across the table, “is not nearly as bad I thought it would be.”

“No,” I agreed, “it’s worse.”

She laughed. “No, seriously. It’s really not as bad as I expected.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Honestly!” Smolder crossed her arms, puffing her chest out. “It’s kind of...sweet?”

“That’s the spirit!” cheered Ocellus.

I threw my claws up in despair. “I’m surrounded by eggheads.”

“Hey, what? No fair. I’m not an egghead, I only said it wasn’t bad enough to claw my eyes out over, s’all.”

I leaned over, tapping her head with a claw. “Yup,” I said, after a moment’s consideration. “Egghead.”

“Aww, Smolder!” Ocellus nuzzled up next to her. “It’s okay, we can be eggheads together.”

“I’m not an egghead!” Smolder protested, but she didn’t try to pull away.

I shook my head sadly. “It’s official, I’m afraid. Quite un-curable. Probably terminal.”

“Liking one old play makes me an egghead?”

I nodded. Smolder, scowling, turned to Ocellus for support. I winked, and she, too, nodded hesitantly.

“Well, whatever. Eggheads are cool, anyway.” Twin curls of smoke wisped from her nose as she very emphatically turned her back to me. “Say, Celly, how does this end? I hope they stay together.”

Ocellus, of course, had already read the thing cover to cover. She blinked. “Ah,” she managed, “the thing is, you see...”

Well, time to get back to reading. I frowned, rubbed my eyes, and set to work again on the page.

Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene...

“Oh, come on!”

Comments

[Ice Star]

I'm all for the gay here, but the lack of fun pony puns does admittedly rob it of some of the potentials. While not everyone is, y'know, a poet it would have kept the setting more intact to edit the verses a little bit to have those sweet, sweet puns.

[Botched Lobotomy]

10638988
Thass fair. There are some R+J jokes in there, but I basically just tweaked the verses themselves the absolute bare minumum so they didn't mention, like, hands.
And I could not for the life of me come up with a non-lame pun on Romeo and Juliet. Poneo and...? Yeah, nah, wasn't happening.

[Jake The Army Guy]

10639643

Poneo & Hoofliet

That's the great thing about puns, they can be as horrible as you want because that's the point!

[Bicyclette]

Where civil blood makes civil hooves unclean.”

always love ponification of literature i don’t care if it’s sometimes just replacing “hands” with “hooves”

Ocellus nodded, staring straight ahead and trying very hard to ignore us. Smolder winced. I bit back a snicker. The play droned on.

oof, common ironic Ocellus L to be admonished for being the only student to actually care about the subject being taught

“It about pony who makes deal with draconequus and gets dragged into Tartarus!”

hehe love this translation to pony culture

I landed back beside her with a sigh. “Yup. Romance? Lame.”

“You said it,” she agreed.

Sandbar nodded, but didn’t meet my eye.

augh so true and so GallBar

“Honestly!” Smolder crossed her arms, puffing her chest out. “It’s kind of...sweet?”

Smolder’s definitely more able to admit the softer side of herself than Gallus is

“Aww, Smolder!” Ocellus nuzzled up next to her. “It’s okay, we can be eggheads together.”

“I’m not an egghead!” Smolder protested, but she didn’t try to pull away.

i ship them now

“Say, Celly, how does this end? I hope they stay together.”

not knowing this feels like a consequence of Gallus not growing up in Equestria, as i imagine the Shakespeare-analogue’s place in Equestrian culture to be analogous to what Shakespeare is in the Anglosphere