- Member Since 1st Jun, 2020
- offline last seen February 2nd
Lunaduskeyreadings
A brony who loves heavy metal a bit of football and more nascar than anyone else but I really love making stories I was also known as mist the allicorn play yugioh master duels look me up as Trika
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Exhalant story 10 out 10
Problem : where is your coma and dot?
Alright this needs some work, Run on sentences, feels very rushed , words that don’t belong in a sentence and no coma’s.
10871518
I'm sorry about that It's been years since I tried to write a story I'm currently working on the next chapter and I promise to do better
10871747
Thank you for this feedback I've now working on the next chapter and I promise ill do better and redo the current chapter as well
10872094
Fix the first chapter first, please? That's not a serious problem and easy to fix.
10872119
I did my best to fix what I saw if you see anything I've missed don't be afraid to point it out
Here is example. Don't do this in writing because this is like ... Radio.
It’s got potential I’ll give you that, but I do think you need a bit of filler just to set things up. I like the concept of the protagonist going in and saving the day, but we need some “why” you know? Why/how long was he asleep for, why are they fighting, casualties, losing or winning a war, etc. Your wordplay isn’t that bad either, but it needs a little flare to it to make it more dramatic and interesting. I’ll track this and wish you luck my friend!
10893306
Don't worry my friend I'm working on the next chapter where all that information will be revealed
Can't wait for next chapter
I know it was mentioned on the last chapter, but the grammar, specifically the run on sentences and lack of commas, is a big problem. Other than those used in lists, there are a total of 3 commas used across 2 chapters. It makes your story hard to read, at least for me. It unfortunate because I think you've got an interesting premise and some promising characters going so far.
All hail to princess Selena the pure pony lore!!!! Also good fiction so far that I like.
I hope there is more this is getting good
11057996
There is more in the works my friend
11058073
Yay
Thank you for the new chapter!
I might have found some grammar errors, I hope that the following informations helps you correct them.
I think there is a "," missing.
"hieght" shold be "height".
I think it shold be: "it is" instead of: "it it's".
I think there is a "," missing again, and it maybe shold be towns and the small i must be an big I.
I think you shold add a — before war, but I am not confident in this suggestion.
My grammer is not very good, so my suggestions could be incorrect.
There are more cases of "," missing an small I's, but I think overall your grammer is ok.
Please do not let this discourage you, I would probably have made a similar amount of grammer errors.
Edit: I corrected one of my own grammer errors.
Edit 2: corrected my grammer again.
Edit 3: Improved grammer again and added the correct way of writing the word: "height".
Good story idea. But I think the death tole is to high. During WW2 America lost 400 000 soldiers and the soviet union who had the highest death tole lost 8,7 to 11 million soldiers. I don't think equestria would be willing to throw away the life's of her citizens that way. Even if they are losing they would find tactics to minimize the casualties.