The Next Day: 21/10/980 CE.
PoV: Celestia.
The party was set up for my daughter. A lot of guests came to meet the newest princess of Equestria. I can understand why they want to meet her. She is such a little cutie. ‘I think I am going to be a doting mother. Not like that is a bad thing anyway.’ I thought to myself.
I can see Creative Delight over at the play area together with Cadence. They were playing with some of the new toys. I could see her playing with the plushie that I have gotten her. It was a cute little dog stuff animal. she seemed to love it right when I gave it to her. ‘I may end up spoiling her too much.’
Not much happened other than some guests saying their congratulations to me and wishing me and the filly well. ‘I hate that I have to do this formality, as I just want to be with my foal instead of hearing this and that from nobles.’ I thought but was interrupted by a voice.
“Good afternoon, princess.” I heard a voice turning around to see a familiar face.
“Good afternoon, Sir Fancy Pants. It’s so good to see you. How is your father doing?”
“He is doing good for now, but I will sadly have to see he may not live another year. If we are lucky, he may live a little longer. And please, your majesty, call me Fancy Pants. Sir goes to my father.”
“I am sad to hear this. I do wish him well. We are losing a good stallion too early.” – I looked to the side of him and saw another pony. She looked younger them him. – “And who is this?” I asked
“Ah yes. This here is my fiance Fleur De Lis, and I know what you think, princess, and yes, she is younger than me. She comes all the way from Prance. It was love at first sight, I tell you.” he smiles at the shy-looking mare. Who smiled back at him.
“Well, glad to meet you, and congratulations to the both of you.”
“Thank you, your majesty. But we are not here for us. We are here for you, and you’re little one. So where is she? We have some gifts for her.”
“Ah, Yes, She is just right over there. Playing with Cadence.”
Just as a point my hoof over where my daughter is, I see a white blur go by.
“Isn't she just adorable?” I see her by my daughter hugging her. I was about to step in as it looked like she spooked her. But then she started to laugh.
“Here you are, Mon Ami. This is for you” – she floats a bag over to her with two blue ribbons in them. – “No, not like that. Maybe I got them a little too big.”
“Hahaha,” I giggled, “It is fine, miss Lis. She will grow into them.”
The Next Day: 21/10/980 CE.
PoV: Creative Delight.
I played with the pink horse with the toys I have gotten from what I could only guess was my birthday. At least it looked that way and that I had to open gifts or well I did not open them more like shown than your mother opens it or who I think is my sister. I don’t really know if she is, but she has the same pink fur as myself, so I think we are sisters, but I saw another horse walking by who also pink coat, so I can’t really say.
I also got to see that my mother and maybe sister have wings. So they are either winged unicorns, horned pegasus, pegacorn, Unipeg, Alicorn, or Alaricorn. They are all the same, and I don’t know what their term would be yet. Maybe none of them. They could have a whole new word for it.
I am still playing with my stuffed animal. It was a dog I got from my mother, and it was a white dog that looked just adorable. I loved it right away. I also gave it the name Max. when my mother gave it to me and accepted it, she was so happy I thought I even saw a flash, but I did not care. I hugged the damn thing as if it would vanish any second. So now I am playing with it and some other of my new toys. I still only had the motor control that of a newborn, but it was easier to learn to control them as my mind was older.
I was so happy to have what I never thought would be possible. Having a mountain of toys and gifts. At least it was a mountain for me.
I see the pink horse signalling me to come over to her by saying, “come here,” at least I think she does. So I started to move over to her. I was what I believe was halfway or she may have moved closer to me herself. As I was moving closer to my maybe sister, I was taken by surprise by finding myself in someone’s white coat. I was about to cry but stopped as I thought this was just my mother. But then I was placed on the ground, and I saw it was a different horse. She then opens a bag, and two blue ribbons floated out and placed on top of me.
They did make it hard for me to walk, and they were kind of heavy too, but well, they did not hurt. The new horse floated in a mirror in front of me, and I stared at it a little too long. It was just weird seeing how you look, and you look different from how you did before. But hey, not like that matters anymore. I like super cute now. I started to yawn ‘well, guess it is nap time.’
Great little story! I can’t wait to see what you have in store for the next few chapters. You reallly have the pacing thus far, not going to fast and not going to slow. You do have a tendency to include small grammatical errors, so here is a little list of those I’ve found so far.
You forgot a capital letter here.
Here it seems like the voice Celestia hears is the one turning, consider changing it to something like “I heard a voice so I turned around to see a familiar face”
This sentence is a bit clunky, but I can’t say why.
Them should really be than. Them is used to indicate a group of people, like “she was the youngest out of them”.
You’re is an abbreviation of you are, consider changing it to your, which is the correct term in this instance.
You have two with here, which makes the sentence harder to read, consider adding a coma here. However, the more I read the more unsure I get, take this with a grain of salt.
Overall, you really have the concept down, not dabbing in the small details but also not excluding them. There is room for improvement, but that’s the process of any writer, so I can imagine that this story will only be getting better and better. Have a fantastic day, and hope my little list helps you!
10695686
I always love getting these kinds of comments and I will check it out when i have the time.
Thank you. Have a nice day and I wish you well.
I really like slice of life focused stories like this one seems to be. It was kinda weird see main character not freak out last chapter as talking colorful magic horses is not something usually considered normal. Very happy to see story continues either way.
10696241
I am glad you liked it. I always think people sometimes overreact in a situation like this. and I would not know if I would overreact in that situation but because I have a high sense of reality. I know when things are real or not.
10695686
My last message was typed on my phone and somehow missed some words. What I meant was that I loved your comment and I thank you for it. I love getting comments like yours both of yours.
Not too bad so far, I'm looking forward to more. While the chapters are a bit short for my tastes, they feel like they have just the right length. Could use some editing here and there, but that's only a minor complaint from me. :3
10712962
I am so happy you like the chapters. I would have had a chapter out faster, but some stressful problems have happened, giving me a big writer's block.
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Just don't force yourself to adhere to some schedule and do things on your own time, dear. I know how it is to struggle with writing (or drawing, for that matter), sometimes it helps to just take a break. I'm not the best for advice in that regard (I'm a lazy bum, after all), so just do what feels right. :3
Can't wait for more!
10727150
yes, i did, thank you.
10729203
Pffft. An avenging nurse... *Avengers theme music*
Well, so far this a very good story
There are a few mistakes here and there and some sloppy writing, but other than that the fic is good (I will recommend you to use Grammarly, as well as ask for help in: Looking for Editors)
Also, this fic remains me a lot to one of the first MLP fics I ever knew (same premise of human turned pony, who’s the son/daughter of a character), sadly the fic was only available as a narration on YouTube, and that channel was deleted almost 6 years ago, so that fic is loss. But my point is, this is quite the nice little fic, I have loved this kind of fics for a long time, and is good to see Celestia as the motherly character :)
10735034
It is great to see that you enjoy the story. And it being a slice of life it's gonna be just a Random set of stories of every day life until show's time line will start that's where the more serious things will happen. But then agian more in view of Creative Delight.
I do use grammerly I even have the premium version. But I do need to sit down again and re-re-read it.
Have to wonder what his father’s name is.
Dress Pants
Tux Pants
Crazy as Pants
Or maybe he is the relaxed sort who prefers a nickname, like Slacks.
How does she know this?
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And his brother, Sweat Pants
10965752
don’t give me any ideas now