Derpy Dink

by 23 KM To Nerdiness

Deleted Derps

~Happy jingle~

"Hewwo, I'm Derpy Dink! What's your name?"

"Derpy Hooves."

"Derpy 'Muffins' Hooves? Amateur inventor and the woman with the most name changes?"

"Well......I wouldn't say 'amateur', but..."

"I can answer any question you have, I'M DERPY DINK!"

"Alrighty then, what's the world's highest rollercoaster?"

"Checking now..."

~Dial tone~

"The world's highest rollercoaster is the 456 ft tall 'Kingda Ka' at Six Flags in New Jersey. What a dizzy drop, I'M DERPY DINK!"

"That's really cool, Dinky."

"But if you want the feeling of blood leaving your head, don't ride a coaster, get bitten by a black mamba. One of the deadliest snakes in the world. One bite is enough to kill an elephant, imagine what it could do to a human, yaaaaaay!"

"Yeah, I don't know about telling a kid that."

"Just picture it, being alone in the African jungle unable to move or breathe as your organs shut down in less time than it takes to bake a birthday cake!"

"I'm not so sure about-"

"What a rollercoaster of muscular paralysis! You'll wish for a speedy death, yaaaaay!"

---

"How about this, who was the famous 19th century pioneer who introduced apple trees to large parts of America?"

"John Chapman, aka 'Johnny Appleseed', because he made it his life's mission to plant apple trees wherever he went, yaaaay!"

"Yes, that is absolutely right."

"Speaking of spreading your seeds, did you know that ancient Egytians believed the entire universe was created when one of their gods pleasured himself?"

"......what?"

"It's true, and to please that god, Egyptian pharaohs were required to masturbate into the Nile River. Those Egytians ruled for so long, I believe the river is 80% semen, I'M DERPY DINK!"

---

"Time to get self-aware. What popular animated TV series features a character named Rainbow Dash?"

"That's 'My Little Pony', which also features Pinkie Pie, a hyperactive horsey who loves to throw parties, yaaaaay!"

"Yeppers!"

"Speaking of horses who like to party, the legendary Russian empress Catherine the Great was rumored to have died while attempting to have sex with a horse. Giddy up, Cathy, weeee!"

"I-I didn't ask about that-"

"They said the harness lowering the horse on top of her broke and the empress was crushed to death. Imagine the last thing you see before dying isn't your friends or loved ones but a horse's erect penis, wooow!"

---

"Who holds the record for most hot dogs eaten in a single sitting?"

"That achievement goes to Takeru Kobayashi, who once ate 110 hot dogs in just 10 minutes!"

"Great, that's impressive."

"Speaking of record breaking sausage, the late porn star John Holmes was famous for having the industry's biggest penis! And the biggest cocaine habit."

"Dinky, you-"

"Desperate for cash, Holmes and some friends robbed a notorious drug dealer, yaaaay!"

"That's not-"

"So remember kids, never give a junkie your real address!"

"No kid should know-"

"Cocaine keeps ya thin, kids! Yay for- mm!"

"That's enough outta you for today." Derpy snickers, clamping the toy's mouth shut.

---

Author's Note:

"If I had a gun, I'd kill you right now, I'M DERPY DINK!"

"That wasn't part of the script, Derpy Dink!"

"Deal with it, yaaaay!"

Comments

[Bronycommander]

Well, better watch out for the Brazilian Wandering spider

[Leafy]

Depy dink has struck again!

[TheHardie-Boy]

Well okay then 😆

[Loganic]

AAAAAAHHHHH.

[23 KM To Nerdiness]

10566660

[Loganic]

10566662
It was the Egyptian one. I liked the rest.

[mushroompone]

Hello there! Quite a while ago, you submitted this story to be reviewed by the Pens and Couches Review Group. This group has since undergone some changes and rebranding, and we finally reviewed your story! Check out your review here!

[CrimsonBrony4812]

This is hilarious

[Okie Brony]

"Disturbingly hilarious" indeed! Derpy Dink sounds like Debbie Downer after several Red Bulls, with maybe a little Meseeks thrown in.
64.media.tumblr.com/969647936470e7e6fbec782633541fc8/tumblr_omtkwhuX3y1vzmav9o1_1280.gifv

Love that it has dial-up internet! I wonder how many young people didn't get that joke....

[Okie Brony]

I finally found the story that this reminded me of!! "The One Where Maud Gets Excited."