The Alicorn Warrior
Written by iAmSiNnEr
Assisted by Mighty C
Edited by Stinium_Ruide
Chapter 17- An Unexpected Lesson
Starlight’s eyes blearily opened, her limbs aching. “Why is everything so quiet-” she mumbled just as noise flooded her ears as shapes began to take form into the familiar faces of Twilight and Spike.
“You’re up!” Twilight exclaimed cheerfully, rushing over to Starlight’s side. “How are you feeling?”
“Like...a minotaur ran me down,” Starlight said, her throat dry. “Any chance I can get some water?”
“Here you go, Starlight,” Spike held up a glass of water. Starlight smiled weakly, reaching with her telekinesis for the glass, before wincing in pain as her magic flickered out after producing little more than a spark.
“Wha-”
“Oh, I forgot to say,” Twilight added with an awkward grin. “You kinda expanded your entire mana while trying to break my shield. The doctor says to keep off big spells for a while, and you’ll be able to use telekinesis in an hour or so as long as you rest well.”
Starlight stared at Twilight, before glancing around her surroundings swiftly. “Why was I-” The memories of their earlier fight suddenly hit her as she heard the hollering outside the room. “Oh.”
“Yep,” Twilight nodded. “I tried to be as gentle as I could, but I didn’t anticipate you having no mana left to-”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Starlight interrupted, a frown emerging on her face. “Gentle?!”
“Yeah,” Twilight blinked. “What’s wrong?”
“I thought we agreed not to hold back!” Starlight sat up, wincing as she did so. “And now you’re telling me you held back, and ON PURPOSE?!”
Twilight flinched. “I didn’t want to-”
“Didn’t want to what?” Starlight shouted, her voice reverberating through the room. “I wanted to have a proper challenge! Not one where you would be coddling me!”
“Starlight, please listen, I-”
“You what?” Starlight demanded, willing her body to drag herself closer to Twilight on the bed. “You thought I wasn’t strong enough to take you on?”
“No, nothing like that-”
“And then with a simple shield spell, you had managed to defend yourself from a spell I put all my mana into,” Starlight muttered bitterly. “Are you trying to tell me that you were ju-just toying with me?”
“No,” Twilight insisted firmly. “I would never do that. I held back because I wanted to see your style, to figure out how to beat you. I had to reserve as much mana as I could for the final fight later, and to find the best way to win.”
“You’re still saying the same thing!” Starlight accused, incredulous. “That you barely had to waste any of your mana to beat me. Just say it already, that you’re the stronger one-”
“Starlight,” Twilight interjected sharply. “You are my friend. I would never make you feel that way, I promise. Never, for a moment, did I consider toying with you. You wanted a challenge, and I gave you one. Believe me, Starlight, I did what I would normally do against any challenger. Seek out their style, before countering it.”
“I…”
“I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that way, Starlight,” Twilight whispered, closing the distance between her and Starlight. “I never wished for it to be that way.”
“I…” Starlight slowly took the glass of water, suddenly realizing how much drier her throat had become after shouting at Twilight. She took a drink, her emotions conflicted. “I…” she said after putting the glass down. “I believe you, Twilight, but…”
“But what?” Twilight pressed, her calm eyes meeting Starlight’s own. “You can tell us anything.” Spike nodded fervently beside her.
Starlight sighed. “I feel like I’m nothing compared to you,” she relented, before turning away from Twilight, her eyes meeting the cold, hard ground. “Before, I could almost beat you in a fight, but now? I feel...inadequate.”
“If it makes you feel better...” Twilight trotted over to Starlight’s side. “I took four years to become this skilled, and trust me when I say this, it’s not fun. You’re already on par with the strongest unicorns I’ve ever faced, and I know you could beat any of them. You came close, Starlight. Closer than any other.”
“You’re patronizing me,” Starlight blurted out. “Trying to make me feel better.”
“On the contrary,” Twilight replied. “I wouldn’t lie to my friends just to make them feel better. I believe in tearing off the band-aids earlier.”
“Band-aids?” Starlight questioned as she faced Twilight. “Is that what this is?”
“No,” Twilight hurriedly assured her. “I promise you, it isn’t-”
“Then what is it?” Starlight demanded. “Tell me, what did you want to achieve?”
“I just wanted to be a good friend,” Twilight placed a hoof on Starlight’s barrel. “That’s all I ever wanted.”
“I-” Starlight began before her eyes widened as she got Twilight’s meaning. “...oh.”
“I’ve never intended to belittle anyone,” Twilight whispered as she shook her head resolutely. “Especially my own friends. Forgive me if it ever seemed that way.”
Starlight lapsed into silence, staring at Twilight.
“I tried to explain this before,” Twilight murmured, pausing to let out a lungful of air. “I only wanted to fulfill your wish. All I did was to conserve mana to be able to present an overwhelming force to finish the match. This is my fighting style after all.”
“...I’m sorry,” Starlight turned away. “I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to you.”
“No,” Twilight shook her head. “I should be the one that should be apologizing.”
“No-”
“Both of you need to apologize to each other,” Spike interrupted. “It was a simple misunderstanding. Better than to argue who was-” He paused as he realized that both Starlight and Twilight were looking at him with bemused expressions.
“Since when did you become so wise?” Twilight teased, her mouth curling into a wide smile. “I never knew you were this philosophical.”
“Oh, you know,” Spike stammered. “I just said my thoughts-”
“I know,” Twilight whispered as she swept him into a hug. “And I love you for that, my number one assistant.” Spike blinked in surprise, before cuddling into her fur.
Starlight smiled at the sight. “You two have been separated for far too long,” she murmured. “I’m sorry for that.”
Twilight shook her head as she released Spike. “It’s not your fault,” she gently chastised. “Someone influenced Celestia into banishing me, and I think I know who.”
“What do you mean?” Starlight questioned.
“I had this dream,” Twilight recalled, placing one of her forehooves on her chin. “It showed me a bunch of things. For some reason, it was as if someone was guiding my dream, showing me memories that weren’t mine. In it, I saw the real reason why Celestia banished me.”
“Which is?” Spike queried.
“Raven Inkwell used a spell to influence Celestia,” Twilight frowned, shaking her head slowly. “This is the part I don’t get. For as long as I can remember, she has always been Celestia’s faithful assistant and seneschal. I don’t think she could be powerful enough to cast that kind of spell on her.”
“So she’s like me to you, but for Celestia?” Spike inquired.
“Yep,” Twilight replied with a nod. “Exactly like that, Spike.”
“Well, maybe without the whole, overthrowing thing,” Starlight smiled dryly before shrugging. “It was a dream. Maybe it was real, maybe it wasn’t. But just keep in mind what you saw, we can investigate when we get back.”
“If we get back,” Twilight corrected. “Nothing’s ever concrete, and the banishment spell is tricky.”
“How does that even work, anyway?” Starlight asked curiously. “I mean, banishing you. How are you even kept out?”
“I know, I know!” Spike piped up. “Equestria runs on the magic of Harmony, and yeah, not the Elements of Harmony. Then uh,” he looked at the ground sheepishly. “I forgot the rest.”
“Celestia explained the spell to us once,” Twilight said dryly as she nuzzled Spike. Straightening up, she ran a hoof across Spike’s head, eliciting a grumble of annoyance from Spike. “Let me continue, hmm? Something else, that whoever created this world somehow integrated it into the land. The spell will deem you an enemy of Harmony, preventing you from ever coming back to threaten Equestria. Of course, if Celestia reverses the spell, the land will recognize you as Equestrian again, and allow you entry.”
“Princess Celestia made us ‘Wardens’ of Equestria,” Starlight added. “She said that as long as we touch you while on the soil of Equestria, the land would recognize you again, and basically un-banish you.”
“I remember Celestia mentioning something along those lines,” Twilight frowned as she rubbed her mane with her hooves. “But I don’t remember the details; it has been a very long time since she explained it all to me. Add that onto the fact that I really wanted to forget what she told me…” she shrugged helplessly.
“Well, I’m sure that it’ll work,” Spike insisted. “You’re an Element of Harmony, Twilight, I’m sure Equestria wants you back too.”
“We’ll see Spike, we’ll see,” Twilight replied solemnly.
The crowd roared once again outside the med-bay, and the ponies in the room flinched a little as the noise flooded the tiny space. “I take it that the tournament is over,” Spike observed. “And that you’ll be fighting the winner soon.”
“I would think so, yes,” Twilight nodded. “You want a view, Starlight?”
“Sure,” Starlight nodded. “But I don’t think I’m up for moving yet…”
Twilight smiled mischievously. “I gotcha there.” Lighting her horn up, the three of them disappeared from the room with a flash of lavender light.
The trio reappeared into the private area that Twilight reserved for her friends, drawing a few surprised yelps from the ponies who had been sitting nearby.
Recovering from her shock, Rarity greeted the trio with a smile. “I am glad to see you’re up again, Starlight. I wasn’t sure if you’d be up in time to watch the fight.”
Starlight nodded as she slumped into a seat sluggishly. “Yeah, well, I can take more than a stun spell.”
“Even so,” Rarity clicked her tongue disapprovingly. “Twilight, dear, you didn’t need to knock her out.”
Twilight shrugged. “I didn’t realize she had drained her mana out completely. I thought her wards would have been able to deflect the spell so that she would have just been knocked to the ground.”
“Pffft,” Rainbow butted in. “It was an awesome fight, though! Even if it was like, twenty percent less cooler than if I was the one there.”
Twilight exhaled. “You’re telling me you can face up to the spells we were slinging around?”
“I mean, yeah!” Rainbow exclaimed confidently, throwing her forehooves into the air. “I’m sure I could have dodged every spell!”
Twilight rolled her eyes and turned to look at the arena. To her surprise, the match still wasn’t over.
On her left, a blue unicorn with flecks of grey on his mane and coat was moving about with the practised ease of a dancer, fighting against another unicorn, who Twilight recognized as Mar.
“That one over there has been winning with relative ease.” Hard Line’s voice rang from Twilight’s side. “New contestant by the name of…” he checked his clipboard. “Maximus. I would have expected him to be tired out by now, since he has been through nine fights today. Somehow, he still looks to be battle-worthy after so many fights. I’d be careful if I were you.”
Twilight stepped up to the front, observing the fight. “Yeah, Sugarcube,” Applejack called out, nodding her head in agreement. “So far he’s never used the same method to beat his opponent twice. He’s really unpredictable.”
“He manipulates the elements as if they’re nothing,” Hard Line added. “So far I’ve seen him use fire, wind, water, and earth. A creative mage, indeed. I’ve never seen anything like it!”
“Bah,” Rainbow spat out said dismissively. “Twilight could beat him without trying.”
Twilight watched as Maximus conjured up a fireball, launching it at Mar. Mar barely managed to pull up a shield, but the fireball shattered the shield into pieces, sending Mar flying backwards and falling unconscious as he slammed into the ground.
“Please be careful, Twilight,” Fluttershy whispered as the crowd cheered for the winner, many of them obviously having betted on Maximus. “Don’t get hurt.”
“I’ll try my best,” Twilight assured her, still staring at Maximus.
“I know you’ll do your best, darling,” Rarity added. “But all the same, something about that unicorn doesn’t sit right with us.”
“Yeah!” Pinkie nodded fervently. “When he did his first fight, my Pinkie Sense went off and told me something was off!”
“Like what, exactly?” Twilight pressed. She needed any and every possible intel on her mysterious opponent if she was to defeat him.
“That’s not what he looks like normally!” Pinkie supplied, squeaking as she bounced up and down. “My Pinkie Sense tells me that he’s wearing some kind of costume or disguise!”
“Well, that’s not unusual,” Hard Line replied, “Many contestants choose to wear a disguise so that they wouldn’t be recognized out there if they wanted a normal life. Besides, what is ‘Pinkie Sense’?”
“You don’t want to go there, trust me,” Spike advised him, smirking at the memory. “Twilight went bonkers trying to figure it out.”
Hard Line blinked before giving in. “Very well.”
“My Pinkie Sense just tells me what I need to know!” Pinkie exclaimed.
Twilight watched as the medics brought Mar off the field, observing Maximus’s movements carefully.
“And thus ends the tournament!” Bell’s voice boomed throughout the arena. “In fifteen minutes’ time, we will be moving to the final challenge, which I am sure all of you have been waiting for! For now, we take this time to give the challenger a break to rest before the real challenge begins,” he winked at the crowd. “And also to give all you ample time to place your bets! We’ll see you all back in fifteen minutes!”
“Well then,” Twilight got up. “That’s my cue to get down there.”
“Good luck, sugarcube!” Applejack offered. “You got this!”
“We believe in you, darling!” Rarity added.
“Yeah, kick his ass, egghead!” Rainbow shouted.
“Good luck,” Fluttershy whispered.
“You got this, Twilight!” Pinkie smiled. “I’ll have cakes waiting for you when you win!”
“I know you can win,” Spike told her.
“What they said,” Starlight finished off.
Twilight beamed. “Thank you,” she told them all. “It means a lot to me.” More than you could ever expect.
“Welcome, every creature!” Bell shouted to the crowd as everyone settled back in. “Fifteen minutes are up, and we’ll be starting the final match shortly! Before we start, I’d like to thank you all for coming! It’s been a wild day, and I think I speak for everyone when I say that it’ll be a day we’ll all remember!”
The crowd roared in agreement, their excitement rising to a fever pitch.
“Without further ado,” Bell added, his voice cutting through the cries of excitement and jubilation from the crowd. “We’ll be starting the final match now! On my left, we have the one and only…” he took a deep breath. “Sneaky Spaaaaarkle!”
Twilight stepped out onto the Arena’s field as the portcullis rose, but she had eyes only for the unicorn that stood opposite her.
“And on my left,” Bell shouted. “We have a contestant that has managed to amaze us with his creativity and skill. He has blasted through every opponent who has dared to stand in his way today. We welcome….Maaaaaaximus!”
The unicorn smiled slightly at his name, reveling in the attention as the arena spectators cheered. “I am honored to have a chance to fight the great Sneaky Sparkle!” he shouted over the din. “Don’t go easy on me!”
“Don’t worry,” Twilight muttered. “I won’t.” I don’t want to drag this out, let’s try to overwhelm him at the start…
“Well then,” Bell cleared his throat. “If both contestants are ready,” he looked at both of them. Twilight nodded, and Maximus nodded too after a short pause. “Then...BEGIN!” he bellowed the last word as the crowd cheered and jeered in equal measure.
Twilight advanced, already building a repulsor spell on the tip of her horn. The spell grew on her horn, getting larger and larger as she pushed mana into the spell to allow it to grow to its crescendo, before releasing it with a shout. Maximus simply stood where he was and smiled as the spell barrelled straight for him.
What is he doing-? Twilight wondered. Suddenly, as the spell was about to hit Maximus, it suddenly exploded in mid-air. What the- she scanned the area and swore under her breath. Solidified air!
“Don’t lose your touch, Sparkle,” Maximus goaded. “My turn.” He fired a spell at her, prompting Twilight to take off to the air, electing not to waste mana on a shield. However, as she ascended into the air, her eyes widened as the spell banked upwards, heading straight for her. The crowd gasped as their eyes tracked the beam arcing through the air for Twilight.
What in the world- she twisted in mid-air, the spell narrowly missing her as it rocketed upwards, before turning to shoot downwards for Twilight. Gah! She hastily pulled up a shield, letting her shield bear the brunt of the blast.
“I thought better of you, Sparkle!” Maximus shouted callously. “Perhaps you’ve gone soft!”
Twilight snarled, twisting in the air to throw a fireball towards Maximus, the flaming ball sizzling through the air with its intense heat. Maximus shrugged, before lighting his horn up. As he did so, a wall of stone rose from the ground.
Twilight grunted as the fireball slammed into the wall, breaking it apart. As the wall crumbled to bits, she blinked in surprise when she didn’t see Maximus on the other side.
“A little help?” Maximus’s voice echoed through the field snidely. “Perhaps, you need some light to find me?”
What-?
The arena went bright as if someone had set off a flashbang in the middle of the field right underneath Twilight. She shielded her squinting eyes with her dusty forehooves, the light blinding her momentarily. “Show yourself, you coward-”
“Coward?” Maximus’s voice came from behind her. “Oh, no, we can’t have that now, can we?” Twilight felt her wards repelling some sort of burning spell, reflecting whatever that had been fired at her back to the caster.
Twilight growled before using a spell to clear her vision. He’s better than I originally thought. Time to up my game.
Casting a series of spells, she first renewed her wards against fire and lightning just in case. She then sent out a spell to search for the unicorn, but to her surprise, it did not detect anyone in her immediate radius.
“Bah!” Twilight let loose a burst of raw magic in every direction. This worked for Starlight… it should do so for him! The raw magic revealed Maximus right under her, and he looked up, surprised. “This ends now!” she yelled as she called upon her pegasus magic, sending a lightning bolt arcing downwards from the cloud she had materialized using another spell.
The lightning bolt slammed into a spell that Maximus threw upwards, exploding mid-air and sending Twilight reeling back from the blast.
“Lightning never did mix well with explosions!” he quipped. How did he predict that? Lightning bolts are supposed to be as fast as light! Never mind...how about this?
Twilight pulled with her magic, causing the earth to rise up and encapsulate the unicorn. Hah, let’s see you get out of that now!
“Tsk, tsk,” a voice came from behind her, and Twilight whirled around to see Maximus shaking his head in disappointment at the other side of the arena. “I thought better of you. I can’t believe you had to resort to these underhanded tricks. Desperate?”
“I don’t know how you did that,” Twilight narrowed her eyes, vaguely aware of Bell shouting something. “But this ends now!”
“Oh, yes,” Maximus grinned. “You’ve already said that twice now, Sparkle, and it’s getting a little boring.” Twilight growled at that, sending several spells hurling towards the arrogant unicorn. Maximus just raised an eyebrow, before simply sidestepping every spell.
Something’s not right. Not even Starlight was this imaginative. Who is he?
“You need a lesson on humility,” Maximus murmured matter-of-factly, before disappearing from view. “You’ll need it for what’s coming.”
What’s coming?
Twilight shouted in pain as something seared across her back, sending her tumbling to the ground. How did he bypass the wards?!
“Wards are useful,” Maximus remarked from behind her. “But you need to be precise in crafting out your wards to make sure you are shielded from every angle.”
Shouting in rage, Twilight twisted to fire a spell that would have vaporized anything, but it hit nothing but a wall, the mystical flames burning through bricks and cement like thermite.
“I’ve waited a long time to face you,” Maximus continued, as Twilight turned to try and find him. “To knock you down a few pegs. You’ve become too proud, Sparkle, and you need to learn that you can’t always go it alone. You need your friends.”
That voice...it seems familiar...but who? “What do you know about my friends?!” she snarled as she stomped the earthen ground with her forehooves, kicking up dirt. “I don’t need to be taught anything by you!”
“On the contrary, you do,” Maximus commented as a barrage of spells assaulted her, slamming into a hastily erected shield. “I was taught that lesson too late. It’s not too late for you yet.”
“Who are you to tell me this?” Twilight interrogated, snorting. “Who are you, really?”
“I am Maximus,” he replied simply. “A simple being on a simple journey. There’s nothing more to it. I am not an ally, nor am I an enemy. I am simply the extra wheel, seeking to churn things up.”
“Churn this,” Twilight muttered, before casting a spell that blasted water towards his general direction. She heard the sound of a pony sputtering and coughing, and she celebrated silently in her heart as she advanced.
“You have to understand,” Maximus spat out some water. “You need to relearn friendship.”
“You’re not Equestrian,” Twilight growled. “Why do you care so much?”
“I don’t,” Maximus smiled weakly. “And that’s the beauty of it all.” As soon as he had finished speaking, the earth cracked and rumbled as it burst open, sending spikes towards Twilight. The mare’s eyes widened as she leaped backwards, dodging the rock spires that were bursting out of the ground.
“Enough!” Twilight bellowed, stomping on the ground to destroy the rock spires. “We will end-” she paused. “Maybe I have been saying that too much.” She paused, before firing her own barrage of spells towards Maximus. “I need a new catchphrase.”
Maximus leapt nimbly aside, firing his own spells back in response. The spells crashed in the air, sending sparks everywhere as they collided.
“You’re not at your fullest potential,” Maximus shouted. “Come on, unleash some of that power that you have been hiding from all of us!”
“You don’t,” Twilight screamed at the top of her voice. “Know me!” She let out an almighty blast of magic, the blast arcing straight towards Maximus.
The unicorn just smiled, before disappearing from view just as the spell slammed into where he had been standing, blistering the sand and dirt.
“Who are you?!” Twilight shouted, whirling around to try and find him. “What do you want?”
“Nothing at all,” Maximus whispered from beside her, and Twilight immediately attempted to cast a shield spell, but his sheer proximity and his surprise gift of one whole stun spell sent her tumbling across the ground. “I only want to make things interesting.”
Twilight groaned as she raised her head up, her horn letting out sparks. She was suddenly aware of how quiet the arena had gotten with every creature staring at her in shock.
"Destiny lies, fate tricks you. You've thrown off Destiny's chains already, don't let Fate drag you back into their world. Make your own destiny, forge your own fate. Your life is yours to change," Maximus whispered dangerously close so that only the two of them could hear. "Remember these words, Sparkle, when you're faced with an impossible choice.”
Twilight snarled, kicking out with her hooves to throw Maximus back, her earth pony magic supplementing her strength. With some effort, she pushed herself up, grimacing as she did so. “What do you mean?” she demanded as she slowly advanced onto the downed Maximus.
Maximus remained quiet, grinning at her. “Tell me, now!” she raised her already booming voice.
“No.” He considered his words carefully. “I don’t think I will.” A spell erupted from his horn, slamming into Twilight’s face squarely, bypassing all of her many shielding wards.
Twilight slammed into the ground, black spots appearing in her blurring vision. “What…” she mumbled to herself as she started to feel light-headed. “How…?”
Maximus got up, dusting himself off with his hooves. “Elementary, my dear Sparkle. Elementary.”
“You...caught me off guard…” Twilight groaned. “Surprised me...not fair….”
“Well,” Maximus shrugged. “All’s fair in love and war. Nighty night, I’ll be seeing you again.” With a swift flick of his horn, he fired a spell at Twilight, and everything went dark.
And as she descended into unconsciousness, Maximus’s words echoed in her mind. Destiny lies, fate tricks you. You've thrown off Destiny's chains already, don't let Fate drag you back into their world. Make your own destiny, forge your own fate. Your life is yours to change. Remember these words, Sparkle, when you're faced with an impossible choice.
What did these words mean? And more importantly...who was Maximus? And with those final thoughts, Twilight Sparkle’s mind sank into emptiness, sending her into a deep sleep.
Dafuq just happened?
oh my god i love this chapter
10831412
Can't spoil it, but I can say that this is a major part of the plot.
10831413
Thanks!
Nice update but got a feeling that was discord
10826491
Wow?! That's super f***** up! Although, I want to know what happened in the end?
Maximus sounds like Discord.
Excellent chapter, though it was a bit surprising to see Twilight taken down so easily. I wonder, is he a Changeling who's using the Hive Mind to analyze Twilight's fighting style? I would wonder if there were multiple "Maximus" clones in the arena, appearing and disappearing at will, but I imagine that burst of raw magic Twilight used would have revealed multiple targets.
I believe you meant "expended", unless Starlight somehow increased her mana pool.
10831467
Ooh, thanks for noticing my mistake!
Haha, legit loved Twilight getting frustrated by Maximus’ wise know-it-all-but-never-tells attitude XD. Amazing chapter!
Also, this was even more hookying than I’d hoped for! Can’t wait for the next update!
Why do I feel like that's Discord?
Very interesting...
I'd like to see a friendly fight between Twilight and Cadance. An alicorn duel might be interesting.
i.ibb.co/wh52bHX/586-EB776-9-FE7-45-C3-A93-F-464045-B8-F2-F4.jpg
10831508
gottem.
So we have Discord disquised as a Unicorn trying to teach Twilight a lesson? I suppose that makes as much sense as anything else in this crazy world.
I learned that in Henry stickmin.
Apparently Bell has two left sides?
That was a pretty sick battle. Definitely sounds like Discord, as plenty of others have pointed out. How else would he have so many different battle styles?
10831852
That mistake was totally intended
O shit
Okay, where's Twilight "Sneaky" Sparkle? You know, four years of entertaining people in the arena? Professional paranoid? Full of dirty tricks? Because she's not here.
Also, Starlight.
Before the fight: "No hard feelings?" - "Yeah, right."
After: *a lot of hard feeling*
Maximus sounds a but like Q, and less like discord
10832031
You make a very good point.
I know whatever I say is gonna sound like excuses, but hear me out.
"Sneaky" Sparkle is the name she made for herself against opponents that were much weaker, she could toy with them and show off.
Unfortunately, Starlight and Maximus were stronger than she anticipated, and she ended up losing her cool against both of them because of fustration. Imagine, for years you have it easy against ponies with weaker mana wells, then suddenly you have a master of magic who is Starlight, and Maximus who is still very much a question mark.
The main point of this story is to convey realism, and I'm trying to bring that across. A lot of stories will stick by the same thing, and for example I could have written Twilight to win 100% easily, but where'd be the plot in that?
I hope you understand what I've said, but thank you for bringing up that point :)
10832533
There's not much realism in Twilight, who can't do magic and just crushes opponents with brute force. Moreover, we have already seen that not all of her fights are in the arena, not all are fair and brute force is also not always on her side. And yet, she succeeds.
10832585
You make a good point. Might be a mistake on my end, but I wanted this chapter to be a driving point for something in the future. But I might've forced it, considering by what you brought up.
10832605
We have three points of reference now:
1) Attempted assassinations by an organization preparing to take over Equestria and, in general, succeeding in doing so. (Yeah, right...)
Remains behind the scene, but by default, it is not easy to survive this type of attention.
2) The recent battle with the griffons, which not only was prepared for her capabilities, but also there an unexpected bonus in the form of hostages.
3) And fight in the arena - that is, in frankly "home" conditions.
The problem is not even in what lost she it or not and what she was able to do there, the problem is that the character shown there does not correspond to what was shown earlier.
Once again, I'm not in any way against the fact that there is someone who is stronger than Twilight. But what is shown is simply not her level.
The opposite has always annoyed me, too - when the "hero" defeats the "villain" just because the last one suddenly becomes very stupid.
10832533
Vouch!
Hmm I really praise the consideration taken into this fight but I do have several things to point out.
If I may be honest, I didn't like the interactions between Starlight & Twilight. Starlight's emotions felt a little like a roller coaster, initially enraged that Twilight held back, calming down after her explanation, to being enraged again when Twilight mentioned "band aids" and then back to apologetic. This is a nitpick and I have the privilege to say I never faced and lost against an alicorn warrior, so I guess my PoV can be skewed.
However, one thing that didn't sit right with me is that this conversation with Starlight is contradicted by Twilight's fight with Maximus. Twilight herself showed some worry in the booth, cautiously watching her opponent, pressing Pinkie for more info on her premonition and listening intently to Hard Line's observations. Yet, her first battle strategy was to overwhelm Maximus with force or one solid strike. There is nothing presented to Twilight that suggests she needs to end the fight quickly (like a time limit to getting back to Equestria. However, previous chapters have shown that this is somewhat flexible. She wants to, but there's nothing to prompt this reaction) Let's not forget that Twilight herself told Starlight her battle plan is to study & analyze the opponent to come up with a winning strategy which she completely disregarded against a clearly skilled opponent.
There is sufficient build up in this section to show that Maximus is no simple opponent...and with the previous hints in earlier chapters, it's expected as much. However, it simply feels to me like Twilight didn't react the way she should when it came to this point.
Also I'm not sure if it's showmareship, but Twilight lost her cool very quickly. Succumbing to the heat of the battle is definitely possible, but not after one strike by the opponent — especially after 4 years in an arena. Perhaps Maximus is right, Twilight got too used to taking down opponents with ease. Yet, I noticed both in the Starlight battle & the fight against Maximus, Twilight really loses her composure a little to quickly for a seasoned combatant.
This is definitely just my opinion, and I'm not here to bang on it but ...
While it drives the point across, I prefer not to use similes to describe effects, especially when there probably isn't such a thing as a "flashbang" in this world.
Anyway, I'm sorry I cannot offer constructive criticism. Especially since I'm not an author, I cannot empathize with the hard work you have put up here, but I really appreciate you writing for my reading pleasure. I cannot wait to see what comes next, and my only request is you update quicker All the best!
10833020
Okay, I'll try to explain these things, bear with me :) good points, though!
Firstly, reason why Twilight lost her cool was because she was used to fighting easier opponents. Not only did Starlight and Maximus present a challenge, they were extremely tricky to fight. Emotions are a fickle thing, and I apologize if I force some across.
Next, the reason why Twilight wanted to take Maximus down fast was because she didn't want to give him a chance to pull any tricks, already wary from what she observed. Of course, as we've seen, that didn't work out so well.
Feel free to reply! Also, as for the flashbang thing.... IT NEVER EXISTED
totally don't know what you are talking about.... *whistles nonchantly in meta*
As for updating quicker... are you not already satisfied with almost weekly updates compared to my old schedule of monthly?
And the crowd falls into a dead silence. The unimaginable had happened. Sneaky Sparkle had finally been beaten!
Oooooh the hooks of this story are in me deep. I wanna see more!
10833087
You'll get your wish 😉
10833020
That's what Starlight is, actually. Does whole "My friend got a cutie mark and left me, then I'll take away everyone's cutie marks" and " Twilight destroyed my village, then I'll destroy her world" sound mature and reasonable to you?
We also have "4 years in the Badland", but as I mentioned, Twilight's friends look like they never had those years. Another question is, where did she learn all her new spells?
Sarcasm? Say what it was sarcasm. Because it was a good feedback.
I’m really sorry but this chapter with Maximus really felt like a reverse Deus Ex Machina. It c are out of nowhere, it felt like you as the author needed Sparkle to lose and so invented a perfectly infallible character to beat her, and made her forget the very tactics she talked about with Starlight just moments ago.
It really ruins reading a story when you see something like this imho as it sets a tone that at any time characters with unnatural abilities can be added to influence the story in strong ways.
As someone else said, I’m not an author so it’s hard for me to provide constructive criticism, and I’ve always struggled with the idea of writing a story so you’re already doing much better than me. I think all I will say is that if characters suddenly decide to do something wildly different to what they’ve been doing for ages then you need more than just a one liner “Eh, I want this one to be quick”. It just felt very out of character. I wouldn’t know how to fix Maximus, imho I would say that he shouldn’t exist, or if he was Discord, he should have given it away during the battle so we (and the crowd) know this is not a normal fight, and there is an expectation Twilight could lose.
Anyway, still looking forward to reading the next chapters and seeing where this is going!
10833134
I disagree with that. If he didn't show up at all (my bits on Discord, because come on) it would have looked much more unnatural with all that "he was tricked by a fake Fluttershy" because he is Discord for the Discord's sake! And so everything is much more natural now. He's doing what he always does - enjoying the show. And he helps. Sometimes. Maybe.
What he said to Twilight though... From what we've seen, it's not Twilight who needs to relearn what friendship is, but Starlight who needs to learn it.
10833076
Those are fair responses. I misinterpreted a few things, no doubt.
Indeed emotions are tricky. I suppose Twilight had a too much of an easy time, because if she has been under any pressure previously, she should have learnt to consistently make rational decisions in/over 4 years. So yes, you're right. Twilight needed a challenge to sharpen these skills which she didn't really have a chance to do so (since nopony/creature is worthy enough opponent. I mean come on now, Maximus isn't normal. For sure)
I now see why she wanted to take down Maximus quickly; I probably was looking for the fight too much to interpret it differently My bad!
Huh. Of course. Silly me. I must have been seeing things. What were we talking about again?
Oh right! Weekly is good! I don't mind! Satisfaction however...hmm, with something this good going on? Probably not You know. Twice a week would be awesome.
EDIT IN: In the finality, Twilight cried "Not fair!" in a no-rules battle arena ... AND she's an alicorn princess (with massive mana reserves, remember!) If anyone has the unnatural advantage for 4 years, that's Twilight Sparkle
EDIT IN 2: Please don't take my "satisfaction" comment earlier too seriously, I'm trying to (and failing poorly) construct a compliment. See what I said about not being an author? Now you know why...
10833095
EDIT IN: Ah well Starlight does tend to overdo things...just a little. However I don't think she has emotional instability. As in, probably drawn from a strong emotional feedback she acts irrationally, but in all cases mentioned, she keeps an even tone of emotional charge (depression, anger, vengeance) but it doesn't seem to fluctuate much. Yes, emotions are tricky but the thing is that it changed rapidly (relatively) in the conversation, so it seemed slightly unnatural to me.
I was not being sarcastic, I didn't offer any "constructive" criticism. I didn't mention any methods to improve, but I pointed out my uncertainties instead. I have a preference to what I read, but I don't want to crush author's decisions.
10833257
Hm... We can argue about the Starlight's character for a long time and to no avail, so I think the right question is:
"Was it intentional?" Does the author sees her as an emotionally unstable/immature pony?
10833257
Hmph. Thou dares to ask things of me?! I should banish you to the moon!
Jokes aside, I'll try my best to write more frequently, but my free time is scarce due to COVID and having parents at home to scrutinize me. Reason why this is a problem is because they don't approve of pony fanfiction and barely allow me to read it. You can see now why I have little time to write, and whatever free time I get(even if technically it's my gaming time) I try to use it for writing to bring y'all more updates like I promised.
And plus I'm trying to ensure quality over quantity, I normally take 3 or 4 passes over before handing it to my ever faithful editing team.
10833266
Well I mean we saw her try to destroy the timeline just because her no cutie mark cult got broken up... I think I can classify her emotions as a little off centre.
10833268
Well, then jokes aside, I do appreciate it, I understand about little time, which is why I really thank you for putting your free time into effort to bring us updates. I enjoy the read, and I apologize if my comments can seem like nitpicking over every little detail, but honestly, I just want to offer some thoughts. I really appreciate you & your editing team for bringing us a great story. Do keep it up and I wish you all the best!
10833343
No worries, I live on comments and criticism, keep 'em coming! :)
10833257
Not against spirit of chaos or his equal
Why hello Discord, are you enjoying fing with poor Twilights marbles yet? Wait, what was that bit about prophetic foreshadowing and warning of the future she already has half figured out anyway? Naw, you just came for the Duke Nuke 'em reference and didn't find any gum. And yes, the quote is included because that was the part that shattered the last of my doubts.
My only question is this: was he written out so blatantly obvious on purpose?
Twilight's busy demanding to know who Maximus is, what's his real name... Obviously we all know the answer to that one. He is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the armies of the north, general of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius, father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, and he will have his vengeance, in this life or the next.
10837595
Agreed.
Haven't seen you in a while, how have you been?
10837596
Doing pretty well, all in all. Just kinda stuck in the loop of work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep for the moment so not really had much time to make comments or do writing of my own. Do have to admit, I'm kinda surprised I was the first to give the Gladiator speech in response to this chapter (at least that I saw). I know I was a bit late to the game in reading it.
10837595
Now I cant help but read all his dialogue in Russell Crowes voice.
Or neither of them. Starlight was the idiot for challenging Twilight, and then getting all huffy when she finds out Twilight beat her with less than 100% of her power. That, folks, is called being a sore loser.
10838386
And a sore loser she shall forever be dubbed as!
jokes aside, thanks for pointing this out to me. :)
10843577
It wasn't a criticism of your writing, this story is fantastic. I'm just venting at Starlight's character, lol.
I’m calling it now, maximus is discord.