Anamnesis

by Background Bystander

Baking...Basically

Out of the many comments of compliments he could cast towards Sugarcube Corner, it would be that you could never convict them of the nefarious practices of false advertising, no sir. No underselling, no mock-ups to manipulate minors' minds, no bait and switch to the savory customers who salivated at their mere sight. Everything was just as you saw it, open and genuine to the whipped wares of one mare to the world. An unconventional Styx that’ll sweep you away with the seductive sin of a never-ending sugar high on the rivers of cream and sprinkles. As long as you’re willing to pay the price…and your blood pressure.

This too included the kitchen, as she’d led him from the outside towards the establishment’s internals. He was relieved to see they employed more modern forms of cooking, using blenders and ovens to make the operation run smoother than stirring by hand. A kitchen full of whimsical wonders whisked up for someone far younger than him…with a far more optimistic outlook graced by colorblindness from the looks of it.

This setup was pretty great for a small town snack shack. Perhaps just a little too well put together. If he didn’t know any better, which was most likely the truth, he would’ve thought this was all a ruse to lure him in for his mistakes at the apple orchard. Like a seagull taken in by the twinkle of a shiny lure, only to be ripped away by the spread claws of an eagle, the feathery figurehead for the boys in blue. Red and white usually came after bullets' explosion, as Smith and Wesson tore through prime flesh and spitting bone fragments. But he was past that now. Her bouncy nature wouldn’t mix well with any police department anyways.

Though not mentally, witness reports would say that he was standing in Sugarcube’s kitchen while Pinkie jumped around, giving him a rundown of the many appliances for work time application. He was taken by this strange figure in the steel of the mixer’s bowl.

“Pretty stable kitchen you got here, Pinkie. Very clean, nice and thorough.”

“Thanks! The Cake's and I always do our best to keep everything squeaky clean for the day’s work.” She ran a hoof on the countertop, which gave off the sound expected. “Especially with our more…messy mishaps.”

His neck nodded on autopilot. “Yeah, that’s something I try to do. Or…rather I would, or maybe…wait, does it count if it’s in my head?”

“Oh, you’re saying you worked at The Thought before?”

He laughed. “Sure did, been a long-time employee. Things were going pretty well in there…up there.” He seemed to recall. “Bossman was nice enough, usually got the hours I was hoping for. Days off, too. Even asked me at one point if I wanted to become partners in owning the place…but I declined. Don’t think I’d handle it well.”

“Well, you don’t need to worry about that. We run a pretty tight ship here, and today I shall be your trusty captain!”

“Well if that’s the case, care to show me how you handle business aboard your almighty vessel, oh captain-my captain?”

“Aye, I shall show ye thy ropes, ye sugary scallywag! For I, am-“ she reached behind her, yet took on a look of disbelief as she rummaged through every nook and cranny of her body. “Blimey! It appears some lowly son of a biscuit eater has gotten their grimy hooves on my captain’s hat!”

“Well, shiver me timbers.” He responded flatly. “Does that mean this joke’s walking the plank?”

“Aye, it appears true, lad…” She looked down sadly before giggling and bouncing up with joy. “See? You’re already getting it!”

“Getting what? I’ve only been here for like half an hour.”

“Well, I haven’t had to train anypony else about working here before, and you seem to understand how most of the machines work, so all that was really left for me to tell you is one of the most important, most crucial rules I follow here at Sugarcube Corner.” She said in a whisper, making him lean in close.

“What’s that?”

“Enjoy yourself and have fun! Because if you’re having a great time making it, the customers will have a great time with every bite!” Which she demonstrated with a party cannon lying around the place. Wait, didn’t she just throw one of those out? How’d it get back here?

“That’s all very nice of you, Pinkie. Love the underlying messages, but are there any surface-level things I should be aware of? Things like, uh…safety hazards, customer service, maybe personal hygiene?” He grabbed a hoof full of his mane. “I think I need to tie this back, really don’t want my brains getting churned out by the mixer.”

“I guess you could. I’ve never had to do anything with mine before.”

“Lucky you, but I would prefer pieces of me don’t end up in others digestive systems…I don’t think my hair is all that appetizing.”

“Really? I’ve been told mine taste like cotton candy!” She’s noticed his eyes go wide with a step back. “I’m just kidding! But if it’s an issue, we can use one of these party streamers here. Hold still, I’ll get it for you.”

His face was yanked back as she wrangled the hairy mass into a more manageable ponytail. And considering he now had an actual ponytail, he didn’t even want to get into the headspace of those implications. He did know that he’d have to figure out how to do that himself with his horn eventually. It couldn’t be that hard if she did it with hooves.

“There, that’ll work! Now you’re all set!”

He shrugged his shoulders, wincing slightly from the dull pain of having his hair pulled. “Right on, man. Time to get going on the goings that need getting. What’s first for me, Pinkie?”

She handed him a stack of papers that he took within his magic. “I’ll ease you in with a few orders we got through the mail this morning. We’ll go halfsies on it, I’ll take the top part if you can get the bottom of the stack.”

He squinted as he looked each page over. “Which ones are the orders, or…are these the orders here?”

“That’s their names, silly!”

“…Right.”

“Relax, we got this all under control. I have a long list of everypony’s favorites and regular orders! I keep them in one of those books over on the counter. It should be the one in the stand already. All alphabetized, numerated, color-coded, age group, address, and most importantly, party factored! Twilight would be so proud!”

Guess you’d need something like that when you’re one of the only bakeries in town. Know your clientele in and out. He was surprised by how much information she was will to give right from the get-go. Most bosses he dealt with didn’t show him much respect. And even if they did, they preferred to put dis in beforehand. He figured it might’ve had something to do with the fact she wasn’t the real one in charge here, though the imagery said otherwise. These so-called Cake’s were the ones who owned the building, but she was the only one here as far as he could see. Was she speaking metaphorically? Another joke of hers about how the cakes in the windows dictated if she could afford the roof over her head? If no one approves of the cakes, then no one approves of her…so that meant she was filling out all of these orders by herself? Jesus! After hearing that garbage with the rock mine and now this, the mare really needed a break for once.

And him, too. If this job goes well, along with Ambrose working the skies, they could stir up some quick cash to give to that Applejack pony. Then focus immediately on getting back to earth, however he was gonna do that. And keep those Light’s away from them, too. Not for anything personal on his end, honestly. The personal part was coming from them primarily with their…mindsets.

But enough about that, he needed to get his head in the game, or the business…maybe even the oven-no, probably not that one. He slowly scanned his sight down the sheet, opening a small window into its subject's wider worlds.

This one here says a group of friends is having one of their weekly get-togethers for a picnic by the park and asking for a dozen of their preferred pastries. Pretty cool, pretty cool. Next on the list was a request from a married couple, who wanted to surprise their filly and colt for their outstanding achievements in school over the past grading period, much better than they were last time around. Aww, how sweet! Another one was from a, ahem, mildly concerned stallion who needed something for his anniversary. Today. As soon as possible. Sheesh, good luck, man. And finally, there was an order from a single mare who wanted a very special cupcake for a very private matter. Huh.

Well, this all seems pretty standard for a bakery, albeit a little odd with all of the precise additional info. But he couldn’t really judge, as his last line of labor had a real knack for revealing a little too much. Odd considering crowds usually make people cocoon, even more so when they’re all turning to you eager for entertainment.

He looked over at Pinkie to see her bouncing back and forth along the countertops, gathering and mixing ingredients within a bowl, whistling a tune to herself along the way. There was already a batch of something in the oven, which looked to be cooking before he even got here. He found his head gently bobbing to her soothing tempo as he went over to her recipe book for reserved recipients.

Holy shit, this thing is enormous! It’s gotta be thousands of pages thick! With many of its pages far older than others, all shuffled around and stuffed within the sections of these many assorted tabs. Now I get all those info dumps. Good thing it was already on a bookstand, no way he was keeping this hulking mass of happy history suspended in the air for long.

As he scoured through the book's pages, he managed to pick out the ponies' names and their desired desserts, mumbling mental notes to himself all along the way.

…Add two teaspoons of cocoa powder and then a pinch of cinnamon…

…Mix cream together with butter and sugar, beat for a couple minutes…

…Use a spatula to evenly distribute the strawberry slices…

…Roll the peanuts and pretzels till crumble, drizzle across icing…

…If out of barbeque sauce, use hot sauce instead…what?

Though Ambrose would argue otherwise, these cookbooks were relatively easy to decipher, along with the whole concept of cooking in general. With everything else in life being so uncertain and full of sporadic fits of senseless chaos, baking seemed to be one of the only practices humans had and hope in deciding the fated outcome. Sure, you probably couldn’t do anything about the crazed old man, wearing nothing but a souvenir ten-gallon hat and a pair of InstaPump Furys, dry humping you in the subway during your morning commute. Hoping to transmit the correct wavelengths so that the chosen one, Dale Earnhardt, shall descend upon the earth once more atop his iron black alligator and send our souls to that great asphalt oval of our salvation…

…But you could probably make sure that your eggs weren’t burnt.

Everything was laid out in a step-by-step pattern, needing this amount of one ingredient and that amount of another. He managed to make it work nearly every breakfast and dinner, with lunch usually left to those fast food joints to handle. But this…this was much more intimate. Far more than a drive-by dine and dash. For a small store in an even smaller town, your customers are more than your daily profits, more than the proverbial power that keeps your lights on.

They’re your neighbors, the people who go to the same community events as you. They send their kids to the same schools as you. The ones who are around you every single day.

They’re your colleagues…your friends.

And you treat friends with a sincere form of respect…with a bit of teasing here and there.

Alright, no more messing around, time to take on that position of people pleaser once again! Though it would be a pony pleaser this time around. Rushed with determination, he quickly moved the book from his muzzle with a confident hoof, poised to attack his upcoming enemies with great prejudice. He would lead his own troops to victory, take that hill, secure this town, raise that flag!

…Only to discover his battalion was a hair too late. Perhaps more than a hair, more like an entire mane-full late, as the war had already concluded without him.

His jaw scraped the floor upon finding every piece of cake he’d so carefully listed had already been completed. Steaming fresh from the oven and iced to a chill. Every. Single. One.

What the hell! How is she already done with everything? Have I been staring into this book for fucking hours? She should’ve told me, Goddamnit!” He quickly glanced over at the clock, where he would’ve expected at least 4 hours to have gone by with the amount of food on the counter.

He was nearly beside himself when he only saw 4 minutes.

Not really knowing where to go next with this, he returned his gaze back to Pinkie, who was busy pouring a mix into cupcake molds, blissfully unaware while a timer ticked down for the treats’ time to rise.

He stood there for a while, staring at her without a word. Contemplating his following action with a few nervous steps in place.

…Fuck it.

“Umm…Pinkie, you mind explaining where these came from?” He managed to squeak out as politely as he could.

“Where’d what come from-“ She was cut off by a loud gasp, sucking in enough oxygen to suspend her in the air for a few seconds. She zoomed over to his counter, checking the food with a keen, analytical eye. “Wowee! Amazing work! I had a feeling you were gonna be a fast learner, but I never expected this fast!” she pulled out an old stopwatch. “That’s gotta be even faster than Starlight’s time. You’re one super-duper speedy stirrer, Vanilla Fudge!” She celebrated with a wink and a smile.

“Wait…you didn’t do this?”

“Nope, I was busy with my own mix over there…plus, you have a bunch of utensils in your magic right now.”

“I do?” He looked up to see a spoon, spatula, dropper and whisker all suspended in the air in a familiar golden hue. He also noticed upon closer inspection that all of the food in front of him had these bright golden sparkles twinkling in the light. “…I do.”

“That’s incredible! How’d you do that?”

“Uhh…I…” His ears folded as the objects quickly made their way back to earth. “I’m not really sure to be honest with you. I was reading off that book you have, and it sorta came to me…naturally I suppose. Or as natural as magic can be…”

Her head titled in curiosity, then turning around to tend to her mix once more. She added some more cocoa powder and stirred before another thought came to her. “Huh, that’s weird…I figured unicorns learn about their abilities when they’re in school.”

“Yeah, I never actually finished my grade school studies… I dropped out when my senior year rolled around.”

She looked distraught, one that suggested not many she knew ended up taking that route in life. “Aww, why’s that?”

“Well…not to be rude or anything, I know teachers have to make a living somehow, but what they were teaching wasn’t going to help me make one. And it definitely didn’t help pay the bills at the time…”

She pondered over his word for a while, eyes twitching in an internal conversation with her brain. She eventually ended it with a nonchalant shrug. “Hmm, well, if you ever want to pick up on your studies again, you should stop by the castle’s library. They have books for almost everything you could possibly think of!”

“Everything?”

“Everything!” She repeated with widespread hooves.

“Everything…hmm…” He rubbed his chin as he let this newfound information soak in his head. First off, how the hell could that castle be that big, and yet he still never saw a library? But second…almost any kind of book he could think of? Going over an ocean's worth of history…notes…knowledge, there had to be many books about that—especially ones made for and by unicorns. Books of magic…spells…abilities.

Opportunities…

Ding!

“Oh! Excuse me!” She hopped over to the oven and used her mouth to open the door. Biting down on a rag to protect herself from the sheet’s heat. Setting them on the counter with a swipe of sweat and a strong sniff. “Ooo, these smell absolutely deeeelicious! What’d you think, Vanilla?”

He walked over and looked at the sheet. It was only a few items she’d baked in this batch, all pretty normal, too. Everything appeared to be baked through properly, not a second too early, neither one too long, right on the money. Their shapes were well defined, seemingly cut out via chisel from a slab of sugary concrete. All the markings of a professional, or he assumed as much.

And then he gave them a whiff.

It was a wonderful smell! It was something he’d known before, but this time it was so pure! So enticing! With no hint of any organisms mutilated by genetic government meddling. No, the only thing that’d engineered these was no other than mother nature herself. But there was something else, something stranger-yet substantial. Something…something…

“Hmm, what was that about something?”

“Huh? Oh-no, sorry, the music distracted me for a sec there. Think I might’ve overdone it on all these party favors…”

“I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself at least. Told you she throws the best parties.”

“Oh yeah? How does she fare…after…the party?”

“Vanilla…”

“Heh heh, just messing around.”

“When are you not?”

“Ok…uh, I can say this was seriously a good choice of town on your behalf, glad you mentioned it when you came up to visit. Pretty cheap, too, all things considered. Don't know how you do it...must be those wings, letting you fly high and see into the distant future.”

“Oh, I guess so. I’m just so happy you two are settling in well after such a long trip, woo-hoo…”

“Yeah, you said it, man! And thank you for helping with the welcoming party, don’t know how I can repay you for all this.”

“Well, maybe you two could return the favor and visit me sometime?”

“…I think we could do that.”

“Wonderful! It’s not that hard to find, just a little cottage on the outskirts of Ponyville, near the edge of the Everfree.”

“Ah, that little place! Y’know, when I first saw it out in the distance, it really did resonate with your kinda vibe. So much so, I could’ve sworn I saw a buttery pegasus floating around it…”

“Oh, umm, that’s because…nevermind. I can’t wait to see you there.”

“Absolutely.”

“Hey, Vanilla! C’mon, we’re taking pictures!”

“Remember, open your eyes fully...”

To which he did, opening them as he rose from the baking sheet and looked over to Pinkie with a bright smile.

“These are fantastic! I think Fluttershy is really gonna enjoy them!”

Author's Note:

Thanks to all the eyeballs on my stories recently, helps me get through my writing sessions even when I'm not in the mood. That, and a recent addiction to watching streamers break their rigs over pixels on a monitor nonstop. But mostly you guys.

As I said however long ago at this point, I was gonna sketch out the protagonists. Now I'm finally doing that, so you can see what's inside my brain when barfing words. I'm still working out how to draw tiny horses, and I'm sure the designs will go through some sort of revision as I am never satisfied. But for now, here's the one for Vanilla Louis.

Please note: I had this design planned out a long time ago, far before any recent announcements of planned future generations. So any resemblances to certain...other unicorns with bows of moon and very long manes is purely coincidental. I swear.

Comments

[WriterBright]

A lovely chapter. Good flow, no noticeable grammatical errors, and some great character building. I like the take on natural talent and magic, though that does not mean i am not looking forward to what he discovers in the library.

[Mix-up]

Very nice art, man he doesn't just need a mane cut but it literally needs to be sheered at that point. I wonder if Fudge in his precarious mental stat will start to develop super party like powers if he keeps hanging around Pinkie Pie long enough, not that I expect him to ever hope to understand it or realize what he is going, just like his magic. keep it up

[Brony of the Revolution]

Alright, no more messing around, time to take on that position of people pleaser once again! Though it would be a pony pleaser this time around.

I know I've been here too long when my brain immediately views "pony pleaser" in a sexual light but not "people pleaser".