After the heartbreaking disaster that was Moon Dancers party she retreated home to sulk. Only to wake up the next morning with a floating screen above her head.
Follow moon dancer and friends as she uses her new Gamer ability to go on a wild adventure with all The Gamer tropes you love so much. All to one day show up Twilight Sparkle.
This story is inspired by another MoonDancer Fan fic By the name of Game over.
{For now I'll keep any lemons off this story and put them into a separate one if people want to read it.]
Chapters (9)
I think it was called "Game Over..."
Pupil
Yearn
Remove that
Maybe
Through
Remove the space
Status
Huh
Later
Remove that
Sense
Remove the second period
Remove the capitalization on quadruplets
Also for the name and stats, separate them to a different paragraphs
More
Pretty sure you made it sound worse. The word you were looking for was Xenophobes. Racist xenophiles makes it sound like they will rape you because they hate you. Phobia is fear of philia is like/love for/of.
Stealth Anchor in Background: "Note to self: Get word to Twilight that another member of the Twilight Lookalike Council is LOOPING. She seems to be taking it well all things considered."
Loved this idea, can't wait to see where you will go with it
This is awesome!
Conceptually, I like this idea. I've seen The Gamer play out on different routes in a few different crossover stories. It has some really good potential for great stories.
However, so far I'm really let down by the execution of it.
Even just this first chapter is littered with small, easy to correct mistakes. Countless instances of swapping a right word for an almost right one. AdrianBrony does a good job catching a lot of them, but even that's not the extent. The help of an editor (or even just pasting it into Google docs and letting spellcheck have a crack at it) before posting would really help improve quality. There's also some formatting issues with the status windows looking identical to normal text, but that can be chalked up to personal style.
But aside from grammar, the story already has some majorly confusing structural issues: and a lot of it is centered on this human. Why? Why does she need some human suddenly shoved in her head? Why does she need context of the human world, MLP as a show, and video game functionality? It seems like it would be so much less convoluted (and make for a more believable story) to just grant her the power outright, rather than through this roundabout soulsmushing. Daniel (who I assume is something of a self-insert) seems to add nothing of value except a way for the author to handwave away her having to discover and learn things about her new power. Yet, the scenes of a Gamer learning just what they can do are often quite enjoyable, especially if they don't have prior context and have to learn from the status windows alone. Maybe there's plans for Danny to "wake up" later as some sort of guide, but at the moment he seems to be semi-merged into Moondancer, resulting in a gestalt that's basically an OC . (The anthro is fine. It's a handicap for ponywriters, but some people like it and I'm fine with that. Though leaving it as such a cliffhanger twist doesn't really make much sense when it's already in the story tags).
Overall, I like the idea, but I think it really needs some heavy tweaking to really shine.
So, a lot (effectively all) of my comments from the previous chapter still carry over to this one, even more so. There's still countless small errors that any free-to-use spellcheck program should have caught. But the biggest issue in this chapter is the constantly shifting perspective. Not only do you rapidly and randomly switch between first person perspective ("I did this, I did that" statements) and third person perspective ("Moondancer did this, Moondancer did that" statements) but there's even a few lines that are in second person perspective ("You did this, you did that."). You need to choose one and stick with it like green on grass (and if you choose to use third, stick with one name rather than swapping between Moondancer, Moony, Moonie, and Moon).
Love this story!
So should I be expecting a chapter every 2 months?
Good first chapter! I enjoyed Zalarann's story and I think I will also enjoy this one too.
YES ALL THE HUGS!
Bleach is fun to watch
Interesting and MOAR Please.
And I'm princesse Celestia.
I'm... confused why she's angry at Twilight when she was proven correct about the prophecy, in the memories, even.
pics.me.me/awww-man-swiper-aww-man-memes-49948041.png
IT'S BACK!!! Welcome back and I hope you decide to keep going. I think it is such a shame when people start making an interest story and give up on it. Just know that I am always looking forward to the next chapter.
While I'm glad to see an old story return, I see that none of the issues have been addressed. It's still brimming with typos and homophones that even fimfic's built-in spellchecker should have filled with red warning lines.
I look forward to the next chapter!
Is that so? Would there be a link to said folder, somewhere? Or is the seperate content gonna be posted somewhere in the future? Inquiring minds want to know.
I look forward to reading more
Please. I implore you. Just read your chapter through once before posting. The density of errors is only increasing as we continue and a lot of them aren't even real, easily-mistaken words anymore.
On another note:
Geez she needs to chill. Twilight just saw her like, less than a week ago and had no reason to assume she'd be on a train heading to Canterlot.
Yay, another chapter!
i wounder if moon dancer can just collect races?
I want more of this please and thank you
So a little something I realized that you might be hinting at is that some of the mane 6 are some of those nonstandard pony races described above
Rainbow Dash = Souring Wing
for example
Also Rainbow with the SPEED FORCE makes sense in a silly way. But it has been somewhat of a joke meme for a long time as well
Also I can't help but wonder if those mixed races have a higher lifespan or what even are pony lifepsans in your opinion.
10808681
see collects them just as Goku collects new forms.
Alright, you dont need to call me out. A reply to any of my comments would have sufficed. Since you seem to be taking my intended-as-helpful criticism harder than I realized, I'll leave off. Admittedly I did get a little heated at the lack of response or improvements, and started toeing the line between tough love and overly insistent meanness.Edit: Ignore the previous version of this comment. I'm sorry if it felt like I was cracking down on you too hard. It was meant to be helpful, but I got a little overinvested went a bit harsher than I meant to. I do like the story, for all my "harping", I just wanted to help bring it up to the best it could be. I will cease my comments on errors now, as you requested.
I hope that lune becomes a good friend with the moon dancer I also hope that she discovers the moon dancers Bicorn form I really want to see her reaction
10809302
I may have over reacted a bit their to. I'll edit that bit out.
10808780
Who else?
10826728
Was unable to think of any other characters but honestly would not be surprised if something is revealed later.
wait didn't Moondancer see amending fences? she should know Twilight regretted abandoning them.
10799607
plus didn't it say she changed her mane style and she's no longer wearing glasses? Plus she gave Twilight the newspaper for her to read. She's being unreasonably petty right now. She should have known this Twilight is still learning about friendship and of course wouldn't recognize her as she changed her appearance drastically and was already engrossed with the newspaper. Twilight in reading mode will forgo everything around her after all
Great to see another come out!
keep up the good work
Great chapter 👌
Good to see another post 👌
I want to read more, but the typos are just too distracting, hopefully you can have this and the previous and later chapters edited and fixed.
I'm looking forward to seeing what she does next
uh oh... hot steamy massage? oh boy.
Always happy to see you post!
This story has a serious case of needing to be hit with an edit-baton.
Between the spelling mistakes, and slipping in and out of first person format, the prose becomes aggravating to follow.
As such, a little grammar-police brutality is in order. Get yourself a third party editor and go over your work with them on discord or something. That way you can correct both the writing, and learn how to fix your habits. A spell check program alone won't fix half the mistakes, as they are context spelling errors.
Example: threw/through.
'Threw' being the past-tense of throw, like throwing a ball. And 'through' being to travel inside something. IE Passing 'through' the Everfree'.
10686126
true but the show also proves that twilight didn't care about their friendship and also completely forgot about it
👌 Oof
10841879
She "saw" the episode.
It was mentioned a few times.
She saw that without Spike Twilight would not have remembered and simply forgotten about her.
I would have expected her to take a look at the tree of Harmony while already being there.
or at least giving an argument against going there.
Like: "Probably a bunch of security/monitoring spells around there. And who knows when the Plundervines first showed... Nope not going there!"
Wow, the power of the Gamer.
I never took Moondancer for one to day the Z word tbh.