• Member Since 4th May, 2013
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On the Sliding Scale Of Cynicism Vs. Idealism, I like to think of myself as being idyllically cynical. (Patreon, Ko-Fi.)


First you're born, and then you're recorded in triplicate. The end of labor is the start of a very long paper trail, because nopony can exist without being documented. Sending copies of a new foal's documents to the Herdbook Registry is perfectly normal. And of course, in order to make sure there's nothing strange going on, that paperwork gets reviewed. Which is done by bureaucrats who establish absolute control inside their office while having no idea of what's happening in the actual world. So as far as they're concerned, the forms associated with somepony named 'Flurry Heart'...

Don't tell them. It's funnier if they find out on their own.

(Now with author Patreon and Ko-Fi pages. (Due to minimal story length, this was a pledge freebie.))

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 183 )

I want a sequel, it’d be hilarious.

Tipper #2 · Jul 6th, 2020 · · 25 ·

Good news! We have found two ponies that are even bigger morons than Shining Armor. Somehow.

Ponies. You just can't leave them alone, can you? Celestia really ought to establish some sort of mandatory psychiatric review, say, every year?

Honestly, I'm somewhat surprised that the office isn't fully aware of the existence of crystals, and just never noticed that the Empire disappeared in the first place.

Oh, those poor ponies.

Well there gonna die😁

Chapter 2? Or even just an epilogue? Maybe?

This is amazing! :rainbowlaugh: I wonder how Celestia is going to act when she finds out two princess where accused of being frauds. I wonder how they react when they realize Equestria has a new ruler...

I can already imagine the rest of this story - it's a perfect setup.

Now I'm wondering if Celestia created this department specifically to keep ponies like this isolated from the rest of the world? And I want a sequel where she comes down on them for misfiling the incoming paperwork that would have kept them abreast of these developments.

Why did stories titled Assigned X at Birth become a thing? Like, I've seen three since yesterday alone. I could get it if they had something to do with trans or LGBT issues, but they don't seem to. Is this a meme of some kind?

It would be appropriate for the sequel to simply be a request form for replacement personnel.


* I can’t speak for the others, but I looked at those two titles and was inspired to an idea. So if there’s a theme, contest, or meme, I don’t know about them. I was just in the right place to think of something.

* Last night had me listening to the audiobook for Going Postal. That put Stanley Howler, Tolliver Groat, and ritual following of Regulations on my mind. So from there...

Wow! We get some info on how naming works!

Not sure this is the Triptych Continuum, since Flurry Heart has made no other mention there.

This is the second story I've read recently, that talks about paperwork! Always good for some laughs!

And how they keep missing signs of the world changing!


Nice bit on how the Crystal Empire's not that "Empire"-y.

Perfect set-up. The snowball is rolling, now we wait for avalanche.

Oh God, if Flurry sneeze at the wrong moment, those two will become a greasy stain on a wall...

Flurry is a character that I am eagerly waiting for in the Triptych continuum because of the reactions she will cause. Especially Celestia and Luna.

Yeah. Have to admit, I DID get a few good laughs out of just how behind the times these two were. They didn't even know about Luna's return, for Faust's sake; much less the other stuff. But, yeah, I am REALLY looking forward to seeing these two stooges getting their flanks handed to them by either Flurry, Cadance, Shining or any combination of the three, and THEN getting an earful from ALL FOUR adult alicorns (imagine the "Royal Canterlot voice" TIMES FOUR). Twilight, especially, would have a field day with them (not only is she Flurry's AUNT, but she is even more into paperwork than THEY ARE).

Anyway, either a second chapter or a short sequel would be VERY appropriate for this.

Going Postal is one of my favorites, I'm trying to work up the nerve to watch the movie...

If you were to take all the bureaucrats and stack them one on top of the other from the bottom of the ocean...

Well, it'd be a good start.

My son asked me once what super power I would like.

I chose "Immunity to Bureaucracy". Poor kid doesn't realize my genius.

"Paperwork needs guarding."

That statement alone somehow manages to sum up the personality of these two very well. :rainbowlaugh:

"A whole Empire doesn't come out of nowhere! Not in just seven years!"

Well, this one does. All said, it's a funny story, lemme tell you...

...I wonder if Celestia even remembers that this department even exists in her government...it sure seems like it's been a looooooong time since anybody's stopped in to review their work... :rainbowlaugh:

As for these two, though...hopefully Flurry didn't rough them up too much... :pinkiecrazy:

...well I'm assuming they're maimed. Or something by now.

Two doofuses who didn't even realize LUNA came back. Hoo boy.


I dont think this is part of Tryptich.

~Skeeter The Lurker

They don't know Luna's back, so they might reject her records too.

In addition to being Flurry's aunt...

She is Prince Armor's sister...

This desperately needs sequel!

Like those ponies who say they're 'sovereign citizens'.

Oh, no. Time for Celestia to get out the flamethrower. They're annoying pests, but if you catch them early enough...

Besides, as long as the parents are gone and the sitter is distracted, she's just a foal. What's the worst that could happen?

"Sir, I think I found something over here." The Royal Guard gave said something a poke, and it twitched. "Looks like a tail, or part of one sticking out from under these boxes in the alley."

"Shh!!" came a harsh whisper. "She'll find us."

"Play!" came the enthusiastic shout from a distance away. "Wana play!"

"Horsefeathers," said the guard, looking over his shoulder. "Is there space in that box for me?"

(Yes, I'd love a second chapter of Our Fearless Heroes going forth into the Great Unknown to vanquish the Terrible Beast of Inaccuracy. After all, I've read The Ransom of Red Chief.)

That is exactly what happened and nobody can convince me otherwise.

I know these two ponies.
They also work at the Vehicle Registration office.

Good news: due to Fledgeling Forebearance, only one window at the hotel was shattered (instead of three stories worth), and Anal Retentive has set the record for longest flight distance by a non-pegasus pony.

Bad news: the two found themselves in Ponyville, which not only caused issues due to being so far from their offices, but led to whole new levels of anxiety and panic for the pair due to the strangeness of it all (and that was even before meeting... PINKIE PIE! *dramatic music*).

Anal Retentive, I Really don't want to see his cutie Mark :rainbowlaugh:

Bureaucracy is like fire. It's a necessity for modern civilization, but if you don't keep an eye on it bad things happen.

Everything in the Continuum so far is pre-Tirek. This is post-.

reminds me of a silly story, called something like "the horrible horrendous kidnapping of Flurry Heart", where Tirek, Chrysalis, and Sombra are trapped in a room with Flurry Heart...

And then, they run into a reporter. For the Tattler.

They all regretted that one...

My parents had the common decency to name me Anal Retentive and clearly I'm perfectly fine!

Aaaaaaand this is the first hilarious domino of this masterpiece :rainbowlaugh:

By the end of it though, it does make me feel a bit sorry for their plan. It is strange that an entire empire would just happen to exist one day with zero paperwork associated. Also anything regarding Alicorns ought to just have special color-coded paper just to avoid accidental "fakes" and confusion.

They are as much a victim of the system as anypony else, probably moreso if those pills don't prevent the de-horning attempt.

I think Celestia is about to have a lot less bureaucratic nightmares very shortly. I hope these two can survive the fallout from assaulting a princess. Although I think they may wish for Celestia to be the one who deals with them after Shining Armor and Twilight get through with them. I would love to see a bonus chapter where Twilight either takes the place over or institutes mandatory leave.


Is this story also supposed to be a jab to those fans who hate the name Flurry Heart over the original "Skyla"?

Pretty funny! These two are doomed.

It existed before the office's time, and there was no paperwork, therefore it didn't exist.

I like the idea that in the mess of the *ahem* multiple occupations, nobody bothered to actually take over the paper pusher buildings.

Mean-while... at the Adeptus Administratum.

It's hard to say that she's incompatible with the Continuum when the canon Crystal Heart is the exact sort of thing that could create alicorns.

To competent and too in touch with reality. After all they know who the princesses are and that Equestria exists. The Administratum wouldn't know anything younger then 2-3 thousend years.


"Aaaaand where were we? Oh right, banning the breathing of air. Air is one of Terra's last resources, so if we ban everyone from breathing it, there will be more for ourselves." -High Lords of Terra


Is he a moron in the Continuum too?

Shouldn't this problem exist for Sunset, too? And, temporarily, Twilight? These two weren't born humans, so shouldn't they be undocumented, non-existent?


The issue was that Cadance wasn't born an alicorn, so her birth certificate would be pegasus-colored. Additionally, the last time there might have been a natural-born alicorn was likely before the invention of color-coded paperwork. There isn't such a form, because alicorn foals just aren't a thing, so there's no need.

Some princess just needs to update the bureaucracy itself.


I think I'd still go for the most overpowered superpower in the world: the power of being average at everything. Everything.

This is just too good to end here.

I concur!

The author does NOT set up such a deliciously hilarious and chaotic setup (Discord would be proud!) for shenanigans and NOT deliver another chapter. That would be just EVIL, and the author's not evil, right? *Hint hint wink wink*


Is this story also supposed to be a jab to those fans who hate the name Flurry Heart over the original "Skyla"?

Keeping in mind that I usually learn about any controversy within the fandom several years after the fact:

I just learned about this several years after the fact.

From you.

Sir, there is a glaring error in this story:
There's no chapter 2.
space filler space filler space filler space filler space filler
space filler space filler space filler space filler space filler
space filler space filler space filler space filler space filler

Please take the time to fix this tragedy.

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