'Sanity' Box: Not Checked
"You know, even after all these years running the Herdbook Registry, making sure every new foal is properly recorded in Equestria's files... it never fails to amaze me just how careless some parents are about naming."
"Got a good one, Rete?"
"In the sense that everypony should know that names are destiny and being this careless with your child's life ought to be a crime? Yes. Listen to this one. 'Flurry Heart'. Exactly what were they going for there? The poor filly is probably going to be stuck at the Weather Bureau examining snowflakes for flaws. If her parents had any sense, they would have named her something which guaranteed her a good career. Like yours and mine did. You've been happy with your life and mark ever since you learned what a Carbon Copy was. And me? My parents had the common decency to name me Anal Retentive and clearly I'm perfectly fine! 'Flurry Heart...' some ponies -- hel-lo... don't see this one often..."
"Powderblue form? I've never seen that one at all. What is it?"
"You've only been here for five years, Carbon, even if you've worked enough hours to be good enough for nine. And have I ever told you that I admire the way you sleep in that back room, almost never leaving the office, making sure you live and breathe the job at all times?"
"I learned it from you, Rete. And... I like it better in here. With you. It's more -- comfortable."
"And that's why we're friends. Anyway, that's not long enough to have one come across. I've been here for twenty, and I've only had three. This is a birth application for dual citizenship. You usually get it when the foal was born outside Equestria and the parents want them to have a connection to both countries. Which means we need their paperwork. Let me check the sire and dam's names -- okay, go into the files and pull me Shining Armor and Mi Amore Cadenza. That last one may be under immigrant transfers. Sounds foreign. I'll just put this form aside until you get back and work on somepony else. No sense in wasting time!"
"So they're both Equestrian?"
"The father definitely is, Rete. I had some copies of his other paperwork sent over."
"'Other.' That's hardly official. Not like ours."
"I wanted to see where he'd wound up, with a name like Shining Armor. He's military."
"...good, good. Not a bad career. Nothing near as good as ours, but he has a purpose. Paperwork needs guarding. And the dam?"
"Her paperwork is... strange."
"How so?"
"For starters? There's a birthdate error."
"An. Error."
"Rete! Take your pill! You know what's going to happen if you don't --"
"An. Error. What kind of error?"
"Birthdate. Somepony recorded the year as -- well, it's just well too far before what it should have been. If this was right, she'd be too old to do a few things. Like have a foal. Or a heartbeat. And whoever passed this paperwork through filed it in the appropriate temporal section. Which was well before the range where I started looking. That's why it took so long to come back. The pill, Rete: swallow --"
"Not your fault, not your fault... I just wish I could get my hooves on whoever did it. Before my time, clearly. So what else is strange about her paperwork?"
"I'm still going through it. But so far, the birthplace isn't showing up as any part of Equestria. I'm starting to wonder if somepony was trying to fake the credentials for a citizenship."
"...and they're using the foal as an anchor to weigh down the mother's forms. You see, Carbon? This is why we're necessary. We don't just start the trail of paperwork, the surest proof of a pony's life. We catch crimes. I'll pull out the report form for the police, but we shouldn't fill it out until we're done. We need more evidence. Also somepony to leave the office and go down to the station. We'll try to flag down a passing pegasus from the window."
"We're -- going to open the window. We've never opened --"
"-- desperate times, Carbon: desperate times. I'm sure all twenty of those cabinets can be moved away from it. Temporarily. You keep looking over the forms for 'Mi Amore Cadenza', if that's even her real name. Sounds like something a teenager calls themselves. Or it came from parents who didn't care. I'll go back to 'Flurry Heart'. Dual citizenship as part of their game? So that's for Equestria and... what?"
"Rete? You just went pale under your fur. Is the pill doing that? You've never gone --"
"What the buck is 'The Crystal Empire?'?"
"...I don't know. I've never heard of it. Let me get our world map. Here we are: folded and holding up the corner of my desk, right where it belongs. So as of seven years ago... nothing, Rete. Didn't exist."
"A whole Empire doesn't come out of nowhere! Not in just seven years! Empires are huge! They take over major swaths of the planet! We would have had Notice! And somepony would have sent in a new map!"
"Maybe they did."
"Really?"
"Well, I've been sleeping under something. It's colorful enough. But it's kind of blurry now -- no, you're right: somepony would have told us. We would been informed of something that important. If nopony sends in an update, it's not relevant."
"Right. Like when Sun didn't come up for hours. That wasn't important, because nopony sent us a memo about it. Clearly just the Princess finally taking a few hours for sleeping in. Still don't know what all that stupid screaming outside was about..."
"It was a horrible temptation, I remember. Feeling like I should be doing the same."
"We can't. Our job is far more important. And remember when that messenger was dropping off a packet and turned into something with insect eyes and holes in his legs? Not important, because the paperwork in the packet was properly filled out. Now when that giant thing with the four legs and two arms stomped by outside, that was important. Vibrated a few things out of place. Had to spend hours picking it all up. Giant things should be more careful about where they step."
"It's offensive, Rete."
"Isn't it just? All right, I've got part of the shape of it now. They're trying to fake a whole country. Like those ponies who say they're 'sovereign citizens'."
"How does that work?"
"They declare they've seceded from Equestria, so the one and only Princess in the world has no authority over them. They're their own government, which means they don't have to pay any taxes. Had one living next door to me, before I moved into the office. Lived in the Duchy Of MeMeMe. Kept saying nothing Equestria did or wrote down had any real power. How was I supposed to put up with that? And do you know who he sent for when I finally got sick of him? The police. Real quick to turn towards something official just because I got in his face, wasn't he? They gave me the pills after that... Anyway, some of them try to set up their own currency, stamps -- the works. And this one is an Empire. Dual citizenship for a nation which doesn't exist. So they can say the laws don't apply to their foal, but still call for that protection if they need it. Those... those..."
"Rete?"
"Hang on. Can't swallow -- there. Huh. Usually don't take two pills. So a military father meets somepony foreign, goes over to her side or just gets tricked... maybe she's using him. Have the police look into that, too. So moving down the form -- OH, FOR SUN'S SAKE! THIS IS GOING TOO FAR!"
"Rete -- Rete, give it time, you know they don't work instantly --"
"-- there aren't enough pills in all the world! Look at this, Carbon! Just look at it!"
"...oh no..."
"See? Right there! The 'species' boxes! See all the erasure marks? Filled in and wiped out all three! Here, let me do a quick rubbing... what did they try writing down there for an extra line before they took it out -- oh, there we go: 'crystal'. So now their fake Empire has its own pony species? And since that wouldn't have flown, they went for something they felt we'd just accept! ALICORN! They want us to just think there's an alicorn that's been foaled? This... this... what are they even trying to do...?"
"...conquest..."
"...Carbon?"
"What if... they're not trying to just fake a nation? What if they're trying to fake a Princess? Somepony to take over when she comes of age? And that's why they called it an Empire. They're laying the groundwork for the future... Rete, this is too big, it's too big for us, we need the police now..."
"...no."
"What?"
"This is our department. Normal records fraud, we'd send for them. This is something bigger, just like you said. But they tried to get it past us. It's too much for the police, or the Guards. They don't understand paperwork like we do, they don't live it. We can write something up for the palace and have it sent in the event of our deaths --"
"-- our what?"
"-- but this... this is an offense against our marks. There is no such thing as an alicorn foal. No Empire. None of this is real. It doesn't deserve to be paperwork. You said the birth year was wrong on 'Cadenza'? Go back to her forms and look for more. She's a fraud. What else is she trying to get away with?"
"...Rete?"
"What is it?"
"I just found it. There's a crossout on the 'Cadenza' form. Somepony altered a section."
"Which section?"
"...species."
"..."
"Maybe -- maybe you should take the third pill before you look. Your tail is --"
"-- yes, there it is... Sun and Moon, how long has she been setting this up... This packet -- it just came in, didn't it? Just now. And let me see -- yes, the birthdate listed on 'Flurry Heart' was a couple of moons ago. Let me find the return address -- ah, here we go. The best hotel in the capital. All right. So they're traveling. Scouting out the enemy, and decided to get the paperwork sent while they were in town. And this gives us their hotel room. So now we have a plan."
"...which is?"
"The original birth race on 'Cadenza' was pegasus. Easy to fake a horn, isn't it? Wings would be harder: nothing would move right. But you could build a pretty realistic-looking horn. Maybe give it a little spell so it glows and sparks once in a while, like a foal's would. So that's what they must have done. Put a fake horn on a newborn pegasus foal. And they're in the capital not just to scout, but so they can announce the birth of a new alicorn. Playing the long game. So we're going to catch them at it, right now. Wait until the parents have to leave for something, making sure we never see them because that's the best way for them to never see us. Then it's just the foal and the hotel's sitter. Present our credentials, because somepony from the Herdbook Registry can legally get access to a foal on a matter of paperwork. We bring a camera, we pretend we're just admiring her, and then we go for the horn. You get a picture of me taking the fake off. Might upset the foal a little, but -- hah! -- it's not as if she's got unicorn magic, right? And if her natural magic acts up, you can deal with a little pegasus Surge."
"I always knew my wings were good for more than reaching the top files. But... Rete... this means... going outside... for hours..."
"It'll be all right, Carbon. We're doing it for Equestria. For our nation, and our one and only Princess. Besides, it's been a while since we've been more than a block from the office. It's been... it's been... you got here in... well, nothing should have changed too much. Maybe we can even pick up a newspaper on the way back. I know you don't read them at all, but I haven't seen one of those in years. Might be worth seeing how our stories are written down, right?"
"So -- we're going outside. Both of us. To a hotel. In order to uncover a fake alicorn foal. By pulling the horn off in front of a camera, so there's photographic proof of the fraud."
"With our teeth: better leverage that way. Because it's what our marks ask of us. Our names. Today, they want us to be heroes. Besides, as long as the parents are gone and the sitter is distracted, she's just a foal. What's the worst that could happen?"
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I want a sequel, it’d be hilarious.
Good news! We have found two ponies that are even bigger morons than Shining Armor. Somehow.
Ponies. You just can't leave them alone, can you? Celestia really ought to establish some sort of mandatory psychiatric review, say, every year?
Honestly, I'm somewhat surprised that the office isn't fully aware of the existence of crystals, and just never noticed that the Empire disappeared in the first place.
Oh, those poor ponies.
Well there gonna die😁
Chapter 2? Or even just an epilogue? Maybe?
This is amazing!
I wonder how Celestia is going to act when she finds out two princess where accused of being frauds. I wonder how they react when they realize Equestria has a new ruler...
I can already imagine the rest of this story - it's a perfect setup.
Now I'm wondering if Celestia created this department specifically to keep ponies like this isolated from the rest of the world? And I want a sequel where she comes down on them for misfiling the incoming paperwork that would have kept them abreast of these developments.
Why did stories titled Assigned X at Birth become a thing? Like, I've seen three since yesterday alone. I could get it if they had something to do with trans or LGBT issues, but they don't seem to. Is this a meme of some kind?
10319356
It would be appropriate for the sequel to simply be a request form for replacement personnel.
10319409
* I can’t speak for the others, but I looked at those two titles and was inspired to an idea. So if there’s a theme, contest, or meme, I don’t know about them. I was just in the right place to think of something.
* Last night had me listening to the audiobook for Going Postal. That put Stanley Howler, Tolliver Groat, and ritual following of Regulations on my mind. So from there...
Wow! We get some info on how naming works!
Not sure this is the Triptych Continuum, since Flurry Heart has made no other mention there.
This is the second story I've read recently, that talks about paperwork! Always good for some laughs!
And how they keep missing signs of the world changing!
...
Nice bit on how the Crystal Empire's not that "Empire"-y.
Perfect set-up. The snowball is rolling, now we wait for avalanche.
Oh God, if Flurry sneeze at the wrong moment, those two will become a greasy stain on a wall...
Flurry is a character that I am eagerly waiting for in the Triptych continuum because of the reactions she will cause. Especially Celestia and Luna.
media1.tenor.com/images/a0efdb44dd723026662c26f7c6a5d23c/tenor.gif?itemid=5949347
Yeah. Have to admit, I DID get a few good laughs out of just how behind the times these two were. They didn't even know about Luna's return, for Faust's sake; much less the other stuff. But, yeah, I am REALLY looking forward to seeing these two stooges getting their flanks handed to them by either Flurry, Cadance, Shining or any combination of the three, and THEN getting an earful from ALL FOUR adult alicorns (imagine the "Royal Canterlot voice" TIMES FOUR). Twilight, especially, would have a field day with them (not only is she Flurry's AUNT, but she is even more into paperwork than THEY ARE).
Anyway, either a second chapter or a short sequel would be VERY appropriate for this.
10319421
Going Postal is one of my favorites, I'm trying to work up the nerve to watch the movie...
If you were to take all the bureaucrats and stack them one on top of the other from the bottom of the ocean...
Well, it'd be a good start.
My son asked me once what super power I would like.
I chose "Immunity to Bureaucracy". Poor kid doesn't realize my genius.
That statement alone somehow manages to sum up the personality of these two very well.
Well, this one does. All said, it's a funny story, lemme tell you...
...I wonder if Celestia even remembers that this department even exists in her government...it sure seems like it's been a looooooong time since anybody's stopped in to review their work...
As for these two, though...hopefully Flurry didn't rough them up too much...
...well I'm assuming they're maimed. Or something by now.
Two doofuses who didn't even realize LUNA came back. Hoo boy.
10319427
I dont think this is part of Tryptich.
~Skeeter The Lurker
10319375
They don't know Luna's back, so they might reject her records too.
10319434
In addition to being Flurry's aunt...
She is Prince Armor's sister...
This desperately needs sequel!
Like those ponies who say they're 'sovereign citizens'.
Oh, no. Time for Celestia to get out the flamethrower. They're annoying pests, but if you catch them early enough...
"Sir, I think I found something over here." The Royal Guard gave said something a poke, and it twitched. "Looks like a tail, or part of one sticking out from under these boxes in the alley."
"Shh!!" came a harsh whisper. "She'll find us."
"Play!" came the enthusiastic shout from a distance away. "Wana play!"
"Horsefeathers," said the guard, looking over his shoulder. "Is there space in that box for me?"
(Yes, I'd love a second chapter of Our Fearless Heroes going forth into the Great Unknown to vanquish the Terrible Beast of Inaccuracy. After all, I've read The Ransom of Red Chief.)
10319377
That is exactly what happened and nobody can convince me otherwise.
I know these two ponies.
They also work at the Vehicle Registration office.
Good news: due to Fledgeling Forebearance, only one window at the hotel was shattered (instead of three stories worth), and Anal Retentive has set the record for longest flight distance by a non-pegasus pony.
Bad news: the two found themselves in Ponyville, which not only caused issues due to being so far from their offices, but led to whole new levels of anxiety and panic for the pair due to the strangeness of it all (and that was even before meeting... PINKIE PIE! *dramatic music*).
Anal Retentive, I Really don't want to see his cutie Mark
10319445
Bureaucracy is like fire. It's a necessity for modern civilization, but if you don't keep an eye on it bad things happen.
10319427
Everything in the Continuum so far is pre-Tirek. This is post-.
10319434
reminds me of a silly story, called something like "the horrible horrendous kidnapping of Flurry Heart", where Tirek, Chrysalis, and Sombra are trapped in a room with Flurry Heart...
And then, they run into a reporter. For the Tattler.
10319523
They all regretted that one...
Aaaaaaand this is the first hilarious domino of this masterpiece
By the end of it though, it does make me feel a bit sorry for their plan. It is strange that an entire empire would just happen to exist one day with zero paperwork associated. Also anything regarding Alicorns ought to just have special color-coded paper just to avoid accidental "fakes" and confusion.
They are as much a victim of the system as anypony else, probably moreso if those pills don't prevent the de-horning attempt.
I think Celestia is about to have a lot less bureaucratic nightmares very shortly. I hope these two can survive the fallout from assaulting a princess. Although I think they may wish for Celestia to be the one who deals with them after Shining Armor and Twilight get through with them. I would love to see a bonus chapter where Twilight either takes the place over or institutes mandatory leave.
10319421
Is this story also supposed to be a jab to those fans who hate the name Flurry Heart over the original "Skyla"?
Pretty funny! These two are doomed.
10319364
It existed before the office's time, and there was no paperwork, therefore it didn't exist.
I like the idea that in the mess of the *ahem* multiple occupations, nobody bothered to actually take over the paper pusher buildings.
Mean-while... at the Adeptus Administratum.
10319428
It's hard to say that she's incompatible with the Continuum when the canon Crystal Heart is the exact sort of thing that could create alicorns.
10319575
To competent and too in touch with reality. After all they know who the princesses are and that Equestria exists. The Administratum wouldn't know anything younger then 2-3 thousend years.
10319575
"Aaaaand where were we? Oh right, banning the breathing of air. Air is one of Terra's last resources, so if we ban everyone from breathing it, there will be more for ourselves." -High Lords of Terra
10319362
Is he a moron in the Continuum too?
Shouldn't this problem exist for Sunset, too? And, temporarily, Twilight? These two weren't born humans, so shouldn't they be undocumented, non-existent?
10319552
The issue was that Cadance wasn't born an alicorn, so her birth certificate would be pegasus-colored. Additionally, the last time there might have been a natural-born alicorn was likely before the invention of color-coded paperwork. There isn't such a form, because alicorn foals just aren't a thing, so there's no need.
Some princess just needs to update the bureaucracy itself.
10319445
I think I'd still go for the most overpowered superpower in the world: the power of being average at everything. Everything.
This is just too good to end here.
10319356
I concur!
The author does NOT set up such a deliciously hilarious and chaotic setup (Discord would be proud!) for shenanigans and NOT deliver another chapter. That would be just EVIL, and the author's not evil, right? *Hint hint wink wink*
10319562
Keeping in mind that I usually learn about any controversy within the fandom several years after the fact:
I just learned about this several years after the fact.
From you.
Sir, there is a glaring error in this story:
There's no chapter 2.
space filler space filler space filler space filler space filler
space filler space filler space filler space filler space filler
space filler space filler space filler space filler space filler
Please take the time to fix this tragedy.