• Member Since 4th May, 2017
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

Cackling Moron

"Fluff" in the same way what collects under the sofa is fluff.


Bill (local human) and Celestia (local horse) are very close friends. Very, very close. So close it's gratingly obvious that they both plainly want to be even closer still, but despite Celestia's best efforts Bill remains utterly incapable of grasping that this is the direction that they both want it to go in.

Her latest scheme is more direct than those before it, but can it hope to work?

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 59 )

broke two beds? that worthy of one of those fancy crystal windows

Adorkable. :twilightsmile:

Lol I'd love to see that windows design, and the faces of all those who see it!

“What happened to the old bed?”

“It broke,” Celestia said, grinning wolfishly. “We broke it.”



Underpants landed on his face.

A moment of silence.

I mean, that'll do it...

I'm not saying I'm as oblivious as Bill.

But I am saying I understand.

Bill the human. Travelling tap salesman. Semi-regular fixture in and around the palace

tap salesman. Semi-regular fixture

Tap. Fixture.


This is stupid and I love it for that reason.

“Oh,” Bill said, sheepishly. It was never fun being yelled at, even less fun being yelled at while naked. You never knew what to do with your hands.

Eh, I dunno, some people like that sort of thing.

This is utterly absurd. Good for a laugh. Was the name Bill chosen to be as common-sounding as possible? Kinda adds to it.

That was fun, happy endings for all! Really, though, more clueless-protagonistXCelestia fics should end with broken beds.

It really is.

...Its 2 Am and ya got me dying over here.

Bill's service to the Dawnmother should not go without a stained glass window. If the Sun is happy, Equestria is happy.

Now there's an idea. And it can magically update to keep track of how many beds have been broken - a running count!

I'm thinking an image of Celestia standing high and proud atop a shattered mound of however many broken beds it ends up being, Bill clinging dramatically to her leg, ala the cover to some sort of 70's fantasy novel.

I needed a name and Bill is direct and single-syllable. Has the resonance and weight of a block of cheese hitting the kitchen floor.

I'd say it was going to be a pretty regular service from here on out. IfyouknowwhatImsayin.

Alternatively: they should give him a medal. Just don't ask where they should hang it.

Fucking hilarious

“What happened to the old bed?”

“It broke,” Celestia said, grinning wolfishly. “We broke it.”

Absolutely hilarious. Completely. Utterly.

"...this is actually the new, new bed. This one is sturdier than the first new one. Much sturdier.”


Absolute mad lad. This was grand, the saucy Celestia was probably one of the best, as well as Luna.

I've peaked, plainly.

Heh, I like the analogy. Very evocative.

Luna needs a human to help her with her bed. I volunteer.

Lol the end nice story tho

This is so adorkably stupid, I love it!:raritystarry:


I'm now going to re-read this story, but with the name Thwap inserted wherever appropriate.


Underpants landed on Thwap's face.

A moment of silence.

Thank you.

I once sprained my thwap.


Has the resonance and weight of a block of cheese hitting the kitchen floor.

That sentence sounds like something right out of a Terry Pratchett book, also i do love your writing.

I met Terry Pratchett, once, when I was about eleven so had no idea that he was wonderful - more fool me!

Also: Thank you, far too kind, why do people keep saying this whhhyyy

What happened to Bill in the end? Where did he go?

A better place.

Hospital, with a crushed pelvis.

The cupboard, where he is hiding.

Back on the road as a tap salesman.

Love em and leave ‘em ehhh? That dirty dog.

Although she doesn’t seem to be complaining

I love how Human you make Celestia ^-^

All of my (many, many variations of) Celestias do tend to exhibit certain similar...


which may suggest something subconscious about me, maybe.

But we all have our vices.

This is so silly and adorable I love it. It actually feels like something the real characters will do.

That was delightfully silly! :rainbowlaugh:

“You know Bill?” Celestia asked.

*Cue the lonely shepherd tune*
Then again, that Bill would've got Celestia pregnant before the story had a chance to start.

his favourite meal which you then served to him by candlelight, a gesture he took as entirely platonic?

what’s a little mutual nudity between friends

That's kinda pushing it. :rainbowhuh::twilightoops:

Even actively trying to throw the game

Taking into consideration that it's poker, I think Bill isn't the only one who is terrible at it. :twilightblush: Just pretend your cards are bad, Celly!

Everything about poker is so antithetical to the way my brain works I just can't wrap my head around it at all.

Somewhere in Far Cry 3 there's a poker game that's story relevant and I just hit the "put cards down" button until it was over.

It's not my strong suit.

“Did you come in here just to poke holes in my hopes and dreams?” She asked.

Umm, Celestia... that's "technically" her job.

And so it was, and so it began and it was at this point that a flaw appeared in Celestia’s plan.

(Did Zecora write a part of this story?) Another flaw in the plan was that since ponies were typically naked anyway, that her advances would have been in good humor in an attempt to bring back some semblance to Bill's old home.

“What happened to the old bed?”

“It broke,” Celestia said, grinning wolfishly. “We broke it.”

Again, Luna did not immediately cotton onto what Celestia was driving at here, mostly because it was provided entirely without context. Celestia often liked to think of doing this as being like lighting a fuse.

“Broke? How did you - oh. Oh! Oh that’s - stop grinning like that!”

Closing her book (after marking her place, obviously), Celestia lent closer towards her sister, as though about to deliver a particularly sensitive revelation, and whispered:

“I’ll let you in on a secret: this is actually the new, new bed. This one is sturdier than the first new one. Much sturdier.”

Molestia strikes again! :trollestia:

Trumpet Revenants. Trumpet Revenants verywhere.

"Why do I have this feeling that there's a clue right in front of me I'm just not noticing?"


Funny, sexy and saucy! 100/100:moustache:

Since no one else is saying it: I see what you did there. :twistnerd:


Sounds like Bed Wars, episode 4. Would this mean Luna is the Sith Lord? Although if you're gonna be technical, Cadance would be the Sith Lord, leader of the [Crystal] Empire. I dunno, but it all sounds like a hot mess. :rainbowlaugh:

Something something I'd be in for a something something Cadence something something hot mess ifyouknowwhatI'msayin' something something.


Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more! :trollestia:

(in horseon?)

That... doesn't sound right when you read it aloud.

It kinda sounds like "whoreson" (whore's son) to me, and it immediately brings Whoreson Jr to mind... though that last bit is probably my fault. ;)

Login or register to comment