• Published 2nd Jul 2020
  • 7,919 Views, 802 Comments

Short Hand - Andrew Joshua Talon



The myriad misadventures of a plucky human in Equestria.

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Flim Flam 2


The story was long. It was heartbreaking.

Above all else though? It made me angry.

It was an anger that grew as I brought Doohickey and Music Box along for the return trip via Chewie.

While my manticore brother may not have understood the full context of the story, he got the gist. His rage fueled my own and he made double time.

I prayed that Applejack hadn't let her stubborn pride get the best of her... But I was wrong as we came in for a landing near the cider stand by Sweet Apple Acres.

The crowd of ponies there was watching in shock as Flim and Flam gloated loudly about their victory to the Apple family, the Element holders included.

"A deal's a deal, Lady Applejack!" Flam laughed from atop the Super Squeezy Whatever 6000. "The farm is ours! Your titles are ours!"

I hopped off Chewie's back, and stormed through the crowd of ponies. Dash spotted me immediately, and made to intercept. She probably guessed at my intentions and was trying to hold me back.

She didn't make it.

Flam looked up at me with a smug grin as I towered over him.

"Well well! Hello Mister Human!" He said cheerfully. "Seems you're a bit late-"

I slugged him right in his stupid face, enjoying the feel of his teeth violently leaving his mouth. The unicorn fell back in shock and pain, as Flim gasped.

"ASSAULT!" He bellowed as I seized him by his stupid vest. "ASSAULT-GACK!"

I slammed the unicorn's head into the ground and would have stomped his skull flat if Twilight, Big Macintosh and Dash hadn't grabbed me and pulled me back.

Flim struggled up to his hooves and glared at me as Flam whimpered on the ground.

"Mayor Mare!" He bellowed to the shocked politician in the crowd, "arrest this ape! He's mad! He's violent-!"

"Mayor Mare," I stated, as calmly as I could while Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy joined in holding me back, "these stallions are conartists, liars, thieves and guilty of manslaughter! Or pony slaughter! Place them under arrest!"

"Those are serious charges, Ser Shepherd," the Mayor spoke, as the crowd murmured and gasped. "Have you any proof?"

"Plenty," I snarled. "Mister Doohickey!"

Doohickey trotted up, Music Box alongside in a cloak. The old unicorn glared at his sons. His sons stared back in slowly dawning recognition and horror.

"Hello colts," Doohickey stated, his cold rage and disappointment radiating like the sun, "remember me?"

"Oh buck," Flam whimpered through his broken teeth.


Doohickey trotted up in front of the crowd, Music Box pressed tight against his side. The old unicorn looked around at his audience, gathering his courage. Finally, he began to speak

"I am Doohickey, an engineer of Bitspur," he began. "My wife Blueberry Malt died in foal birth, and I raised my sons-Flim and Flam-on my own. I was busy, working for the railroad and on my own projects. I wanted to give my colts the best life I could, so I worked. Constantly. Everything I did, I did for them. To create inventions that would make life better for everypony."

He sucked in a deep breath, shuddering just a bit in shame and grief, before he continued.

"I failed," he said. "I didn't teach them anything I should have. I neglected them. They learned only what they needed to in order to con and deceive ponies into giving them what they wanted. I did what I could, but I was blind to their true natures. I thought they would grow up. I was wrong."

He looked at everybody, before his eyes locked onto his sons. Flam was more composed while Flim glared back.

"I went out of the house to get supplies. I came back just in time to hear an argument between my colts and a mare. Summer Breeze," he growled, and Flim winced.

"They had left her with foal. She had brought the foal and demanded Flim marry her. He refused. There was a scuffle..." he closed his eyes. "An explosion... I was knocked out. When I came to, my house was a burning wreck. All my inventions and money were gone. And Summer Breeze was dead... Her body wrapped around her mortally wounded foal!"

Gasps and cries left the crowd, as more anger was directed at the twin brothers. Twilight let me go, as did my other friends. Doohickey sucked in another breath.

"I did what I could for her. But my money was gone. The local townsponies blamed me for my sons' misdeeds. I took a job at the junkyard and did everything I could for my grandfoal... My Music Box."

Doohickey looked down at Music Box. The filly gulped, sniffled... Then pulled her cloak down. Many ponies gasped in horror and shock. Twilight glared at the twins. Applejack and her family seethed.

Flam clopped his front hooves together sarcastically, even as Flim cringed.

"A convincing story, you senile stallion," Flam spoke, "a lot of waterworks-but no evidence! Meanwhile, this Knight of Equestria assaulted my brother and I on our property! So get out or we put you out!"

I looked to Doohickey. He seemed... Not calm, but determined. He raised his eyebrows as he looked over the cider presser.

"If I'm making it up, then tell me," Doohickey said calmly, "when is the last time you cleared the filter for the Automatic Cider Press 6000?"

Flam laughed mockingly, as did Flim. He'd gotten his courage back up.

"Every day, you crazy old stallion!" Flim said mockingly.

Doohicky hummed. He trotted up to the side of the device, and examined it closely. Music Box, feeling vulnerable, got up close to me. I patted her head comfortingly. Flam and Flim kept up their smiles, but there was some strain in them.

"Ah. The secondary filter, yes," Doohickey said with a nod. "You have kept that one clean. But what about the primary?"

"...Primary?" Both twins asked.

Doohickey tapped the side of the barrel, and a section slid out. It was at one point a complex grid filter... But now it was ripped, torn, and covered in bacteria. It stank to high heaven, and many ponies in the crowd gasped.

"Congratulations," Doohickey stated, "you may have given every pony here dysentery."

Much retching, screaming and throwing of cider mugs ensued. Flim and Flam looked at eachother.

Applejack glared hot death at them.

"Got an explanation, partners? Afore we beat ya senseless?"

Flam smiled nervously.

"Ah... As a matter of fact!"

Flim threw down a smoke bomb, enveloping the crowd in smoke. Chewie swooped down from overhead and pounced on the twins, roaring in their faces. Both unicorns screamed.

"Rainbow Dash! As our resident weather officer," the Mayor bellowed, " you are deputized! Put those stallions under arrest!"

The Pegasus, finished emptying her stomach, glared hot death at the Flim Flam Brothers while grinning widely in her rage.

"With pleasure," she hissed. The brothers screamed louder.

I grinned over at my partner, and the manticore grinned back. I squeezed little Music Box, and she actually managed a small smile.

Doohickey nodded and smiled sadly at me. He shook his head and sighed.

"Least I did something right in my life," he admitted.

"Better late than never," I replied.


Author's Note:

Because let's be honest, Flim and Flam are dicks and this would not be too despicable for even them.