Fae
- - -
It was a bit windy this morning, so I had pulled on a jacket before heading to Fluttershy's cottage. She'd been concerned about the chicken coop, and so I decided to help reinforce it a bit with some timbers, nails, and baling wire. The chickens themselves were mostly huddled inside the coop, clucking and bawking at each other in distress over the strong wind buffeting their house. I rolled my eyes and grumbled a bit, hammering hard on the outside.
"Giant monsters don't get them worked up, but a little wind? Hmph!" I grumbled. I hammered a nail a bit harder, and they squawked in annoyance.
"Deal with it, snowflakes!" I shouted back. I shook my head and moved to the next spot, pulling up another plank of wood. I held it up against the side of the coop, thankful I'd measured and cut everything beforehand. Having to do measurements in this wind would have been a real pain.
I had just placed the nail, and raised my hammer, when something flew right into my face. It was big and had many legs and was screaming.
"AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"
Which I soon did as well.
"AAAAHHHHHH!" I felt back and waved my hands frantically, trying to get the bug off my face! Holy crap it had huge eyes and wings and so many legs-Were there flying spiders in Equestria?! I couldn't remember!
"WAIT! DON'T HURT ME!" A tinny voice screamed. The thing managed to get off my face, and hovered above it. I could now resolve the image of the thing.
It was... Some kind of tiny, anorexic pony-thing with fairy wings.
My pupils expanded as the tiny thing smiled at me. It rested on my chest as my heart thumped furiously.
"That's better," the tiny thing said. "Hello! I'm sorry for running into you-My name is-"
Unbidden, a memory from when I'd first arrived in Equestria shot up into my brain.
Some time ago...
Turns out that Equestria had a secret organization dedicated to keeping dangerous things secured, contained, and protected. In order to ensure that ponies were safe. They were called S.M.I.L.E., and I only knew about them because many of their agents had been involved with studying and keeping tabs on me while I was at Canterlot Palace. Apparently, if they had thought I was truly a threat to Equestria or Equus, they would have locked me away in a place called "Tartarus", a supermax prison for horrible entities and also Hell.
Yeah, I'm still not sure about the theology of that. But hey, magic, right?
Because I was very cooperative though, I was allowed (with the escort of a few mares in skintight catsuits, masks and green goggles-lucky me, I guess) to wander around their archives deep under Canterlot itself. Mainly if I explained a few things they thought were potentially dangerous.
Spoiler warning? Most of these things... Weren't.
I opened up a locker in a very, very long line of lockers, while the three mares surrounded me. One was hanging from the ceiling for some reason, and was taking notes with her hooves. I examined the object inside, and pressed the activation button. It lit up, and wobbled a bit before turning off. I rolled my eyes.
"Hoverboard, circa... 2018 I think?" I said. The mare on the ceiling tilted her head.
"Hoverboard? But it doesn't hover!" She said. "I mean, it says that right on the side!"
"Yeah, it was very disappointing on my world, too," I replied dryly. "But it should be harmless, unless you try to ride it." I shut the locker, and scooted over to the next one. One of the other agents opened it, and I looked at it intently.
"... Call of Cthulhu RPG game," I deduced. I picked it up and turned it over in my hands. I shook the box-Yep, sounded like everything was there. I opened it up and looked through the contents-Nothing out of the ordinary, though it looked like it was an earlier edition.
All of the mare agents winced and drew back, eyeing the box suspiciously. Seriously, if they were this afraid of it, surely they would have put it somewhere more secure?
"It isn't a forbidden tome of arcane knowledge, meant to summon Eldritch abominations into our world to consume us all?" One of the mares asked. I shook my head.
"No. It may not even work with your world's magic system, or whatever. Just don't let it get near a chaos god or something," I advised, before replacing the items back in the box, closing it up, setting it back into the locker, and shutting the door. All three breathed a sigh of relief. I scooted over to the next locker, and the same agent as before opened it. I raised an eyebrow as I picked up a small book.
"How to Guard against the Fae?'" I read aloud, more of a question to my escorts. The one on the ceiling nodded furiously.
"Oh yeah! I remember that one! S.M.I.L.E.-224! It's the basis for our anti-fae protections!"
I blinked. "Wait, the fae are real here?" I asked.
One of the other agents scoffed.
"Well of course they are! You have them in your world too, right? Can shapeshift, can control you if they know your name, usually look like little, pretty versions of ponies but with insect wings, can't come in without an invite, vulnerable to cold iron..."
"Well they weren't real in my world! At least I don't think so," I muttered, studying the book.
"OF COURSE THEY'RE REAL!"
All four of us jumped and yelped. The mare on the ceiling fell into my arms and held onto me, shaking. I held back, shaking almost as much. An old, dark gray batpony stallion with graying mane and beard popped up from behind the lockers. He looked like he was chiseled out of marble, he was well muscled and strong. He had an eyepatch over one eye, and scars across his neck from a lifetime of service. His cutiemark was covered up by sleek, flexible and black battle armor, but there was a symbol on his buttocks: A white "X".
"Agent X!" The three mare agents cried, all suddenly scrambling to stand at attention. The one in my arms fell on her head before she got up, shakily, and saluted.
I let out a long suffering sigh as the agent trotted up to us.
"Thanks for the heart attack, Agent X," I grumbled. Agent X was suddenly in my face, glaring with the eyes that have seen thousands of nightmares brought to life. I gulped.
"Well better one now than out there, against a Fairy!" He hissed. "They play by a different set of rules, son! Different magic! They can twist time inside out and make you your own grandmama! Or make you sing and dance when you don't want to! Or even take your identity and eat your babies! I've seen it."
"You... You have?" I managed. Sure, Agent X was... Intense was the most polite way to put it. Batshit crazy seemed better.
Agent X nodded furiously.
"Of course! I was there when Oberon, King of the Fay, tried to establish his own court in Equestria! And that book right there, written by your people, is the only thing that saved us," he ground out. "Maybe your people have forgotten the fae, which can make you vulnerable. They'll use your ignorance. They'll use the fact victory has robbed you of the knowledge to defeat them! And then... Your babies will become crows!"
The three mare agents gasped in horror. I very slowly nodded.
"Okay... I'll take it seriously," I promised.
Hell, this was a world run by magic talking ponies. Their goddess queen could raise the sun and moon. Fae were not impossible here.
I wondered how much was.
Agent X snorted, and nodded.
"Good! Now put that back! It's time for shots!" He cried. "They're immune boosters! Or are now."
"Now?" I asked.
"They weren't before, but I made sure they were," Agent X growled, He turned and flew off. "They won't get me with flu virus again! Oh no they won't!"
I blinked. I blinked again. I looked at the mares, who all nodded as well.
"You can't be too careful," one of them said.
"Fair enough," I accepted. "By the way... What does S.M.I.L.E. actually stand for, anyway?"
"Secure, Monitor, Investigate, Locate, and Extract!"
"Securely Monitoring Invasive Lifeforms in their Entirety!"
" Secret Monster Intelligence League of Equestria!"
All three agents looked at one another. They quickly conversed rapidly in hushed voices, before looking back at me.
"It's classified!" They cried.
"... Okay," I said.
- - -
All of that flashed through my mind in an instant. The little thing just smiled at me kindly.
"Hey! Did you hear me?" It asked. "What's your name, friend?"
"GAAAAAHHHHH!"
- - -
Fluttershy came downstairs from doing some laundry to see Shepherd nailing every window and door to outside of her cottage shut. She blinked a few times as his loud hammering filled the cottage interior.
"Um... Shepherd? Is everything all right?" She asked.
Her human friend turned, breathing hard.
"All right? Yes! Perfectly fine!" He said quickly, and lying badly. Fluttershy blinked again.
"Um, are you sure? If you don't mind me saying so, you seem..." Panicked was too rude, "upset?"
He shook his head rapidly.
"No! No, I'm not upset! Not upset at all! By the way, you have any cold iron on you?" He asked, immediately going to my cabinets and rifling through them frantically. Fluttershy knew animal behavior and clearly, Shepherd was very agitated. She floated down to him, and approached cautiously.
"The upstairs bathtub is made of iron," she said carefully, "but I don't really understand-"
A tiny, winged form flew through one of Angel's many holes in the wall. It fluttered up to Fluttershy and waved with a big smile. Fluttershy smiled back-It was a Breezie!
"Oh my, hello there!" Fluttershy cooed. The Breezie beamed back.
"Hello there!" The Breezie cried in a tinny voice. "I'm Starbug! What's your name?"
Fluttershy's smile grew. It was so cute!
"Why, I'm Flutter-"
"NOOOOOOOO!"
Shepherd raced up, grabbed Fluttershy around her barrel, and picked her up. He threw several hoof files at the Breezie.
"Take that you baby stealing abomination! PLEASE AND THANK YOU!" He bellowed, and turned to race up the stairs.
"Oh my! Shepherd-That was-That was... Rude!" Fluttershy managed, utterly bewildered as Shepherd carried her into the bathroom of her small upstairs. He kicked open the door, set her down in the tub, slammed the door shut, locked the door, and put as many iron or metal objects as he could up against it. He then hopped into the tub, held her tightly, and hunkered down.
"I don't know how it got in, but keep quiet!" Shepherd hissed.
Fluttershy blinked, and blushed.
"Um... Why?" She managed.
"Because that's a fairy!" Shepherd hissed. "They're notoriously unpredictable magic beings that can turn reality upside down! If it knows your name it'll do horrible things to you!" He shook his head and cuddled Fluttershy tightly.
"We have to stay in here until it's gone!"
Fluttershy was going to open her mouth and explain that it wasn't a fairy, just a Breezie... Then she realized she was trapped in a tiny room with her crush who would cuddle her as long as she wanted.
"Um... If you say so," Fluttershy managed.
She did feel a bit badly about it... But then, she wasn't the Element of Honesty, was she?
- - -
Meanwhile, in S.M.I.L.E. Headquarters...
"Agent X? We were wondering... Is there a different between a Breezie and a Fairy?"
"Of course there is! Didn't you learn that in the Fae Hoofbook?!"
"Yes sir! It says Breezie Wings are like that of a butterfly's, while Fairy wings are like a dragonfly's."
"Yes-That's-Wait, that's entirely backwards! HOW MANY COPIES OF THAT BOOK WERE PRINTED OFF, JUNIOR AGENT?!"
"Eep! I-I don't know... All of them?!"
"How could I miss such an important detail?! All of Equestria is in danger! QUICK! TO THE ARMORY!"
"The armory sir?"
"We need to kill all these books! Clearly they were possessed by the Dyslexic Demon and must be cleansed with holy fire!"
"We could just recall them-"
"CLEANSE THEM WITH HOLY FIRE!"
"EEP! Y-YES SIR!"
- - -
Back in Fluttershy's cottage...
The Breezie Starbug blinked. Were all big creatures so strange?
Oh well. At least the things it had thrown at him were very shiny.
He was going to have a good time!
- - -
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Annnnndddd now he's just as stupid as a pony, good god he needs to stop taking these fucking morons so seriously.
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If you don't like it why read it? Plus if you have a legitimate complaint about the story why not at least TRY to make yourself useful and be constructive in your criticism? You just come across as a whiny brat hoping for attention
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Interesting Concepts, Deviations that feel like they could have been part of the show, fairly fun story arcs.
Does make the main any less of an idiot.
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Stupidity from an otherwise reasonable character makes them more relatable, and opens the door to being called on it and cleaning up the resulting mess.
Seems good from my end.
Now I want to see discord get ahold of that game.
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Doesn't*
But that being said I AM a little proud of you for having the maturity to take someone's advice.
That was something XD
Keep up with the great chapters!
That's done good stuff right there. Definently liked and followed!
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I think that happened in another timeline or what not, I can't remember if Shepard decided to channel old man Henderson in retaliation or not.
Well, at least Shepherd didn’t swat it dead like Soos of Gravity Falls did an actual fairy lol
Me: *Sees 'Fae' in the title*
Me: "Oh F*** NO."
*Reads*
Well, went slightly better than expected.
Seriously, f*** the fae. Every story they appear in they become unstoppable mega-powerful Mary/Villain Sues and I'm sick of it.
...Feo Ul gets a free pass, though.
Heh, the cold iron bit is about as useful of knowledge as knowing not to use shampoos with hair conditioners in them when trying to remove radioactive particles from one's person!
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Especially since, if I'm not mistaken, there's no agreement on what "cold iron" is. Any iron, iron that hasn't been smelted, meteoric iron... It all depends on the legend/book/game system.
Every book in the Dresden Files is worse, the moment they mention The Fae
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Discworld ones even more so. As demonstrated by this immortal quote:
“Elves are wonderful. They provoke wonder.
Elves are marvellous. They cause marvels.
Elves are fantastic. They create fantasies.
Elves are glamorous. They project glamour.
Elves are enchanting. They weave enchantment.
Elves are terrific. They beget terror.
The thing about words is that meanings can twist just like a snake, and if you want to find snakes look for them behind words that have changed their meaning.
No one ever said elves are nice.
Elves are bad.”
The fae in Dresden are scary powerhouses. The Elves in Discworld are just utterly alien.
Funny you should ask...
All caught up! I do like this episodic format punctuated by more dramatic arcs. Looking forward to more.
... yeah, there's a story where Twilight joins it. Though I don't mean SMILE... ;]
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Oh gosh, NO!!!
DED!
That made me laugh like the Predator from the movie before selfdestruction kicked in... Priceless moment.
Equestria can be a strange and dangerous place...
Never give a Fae your name, never accept whatever pronoun they call you by and never call them the same name twice.
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Can you guys give me some resources for fairy folklore? Are there any "authoritative" books (like the one mentioned in this story)? My knowledge of fairies is limited to The Fairly Odd Parents, and a couple blogs from a Google search.
I mean like. That is the most efficient way of doing it.
The Tree of Harmony is a FAE?
This chapter inspired me to make Breezes a force to be feared...
Poor Shepard, he can't even enjoy all the cuddling.
Go and snuggel that silly alien Fluttershy ♡
That Humor will really be missed
♡