Apple Acres
The Stars Revolt!
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.
- - -
Another interlude for your amusement. This is canon to the story, just happening later.
- - -
A nice, relaxing day off. God, it felt like I'd had way too few of these lately. Maybe I needed a proper vacation, a real change of pace. Somewhere away from the town that billed itself as very quiet and peaceful but was turning into Sunnydale. Complete with several local magical badass females and a snarky, unempowered nerd human.
Not that I was anywhere near as clever or snarky as Xander Harris. Nor did I love Twinkies nearly as much.
In any event, I'd decided to take a break out in the northern orchard of Sweet Apple Acres. With Applejack's permission, I'd hung a hammock between two large apple trees, and was lazily swinging back and forth gently in the shade. I sighed happily, my arms behind my head. A cooler full of ice cold drinks, and a little record player playing some wonderfully relaxing classic music completed the scene. I adjusted my straw hat to better shade my eyes.
This was the life. Not a care in the world.
A blue face with large, red eyes poked its way into my field of vision. I froze, and stared back. I sighed, and closed my eyes again. I adjusted my straw hat.
"Hey Shepherd," Rainbow Dash said.
"Hey Dash," I replied quietly. Dash lifted my hat up with her nose, and scowled at me.
"You mad at me or something?" She asked. I blinked up at her.
"Huh? No. What gave you that idea?" I asked.
"Well, you're trying to ignore me," she said. She poked me in the chest with her hoof as she hovered over me. I rolled my eyes.
"Trying, and failing. Take it as a compliment," I said wryly. Dash huffed, and scowled down at me.
"Hmph!" She poked at the hammock. "A hammock, huh? Is it really comfortable?"
I nodded slowly.
"It is," I said. "I mean, you nap in a tree or on a cloud."
"Yeah, but I've never napped on a hammock before," she mused. She hummed, and then dropped down on top of me. I grunted, and looked at her with a raised eyebrow.
"Dash!"
"Hey, you're napping, I'm napping," Dash said, as she snuggled up. "I wanna see if napping on you is more comfortable than a cloud or tree."
I sighed. Well, she did feel very nice on top of me. Nice and warm. I reached up and scratched her behind her ears. She groaned happily, and snuggled deeper into my chest.
"Just to see what's more comfortable, mind you," Dash said quickly. I chuckled and patted her back.
"Certainly," I said.
"It doesn't mean I like you or anything," Dash continued. I blinked a few times, and shrugged.
"Well yeah," I replied.
"And definitely, definitely doesn't mean I want to date you, or-or anything gay like that!" Dash went on, more aggressively. I blinked a few more times, as Dash blushed hard.
"Oh... Kay?" I said. "I get it Dash: You're my friend too. I understand."
Dash looked up at me, pouting hard.
"Yeah. Friends," she huffed. "Definitely not anything else! You weird alien!"
"Is there something wrong, Dash?" I asked, now concerned. "Did somebody say you weren't feminine again?"
Dash blinked, and then rapidly shook her head.
"No! No, that's not-!"
"Because I think you're feminine, in a badass way," I said with a smile. "So you don't have to worry about it. You're like Athena, or Susan Ivanova. You know, the badass Russian starship commander?"
"Yeah, I remember that," Dash insisted, "that's not my problem-!"
"So what is it?" I asked. Dash worried her lower lip, and looked aside.
"Uh... I... I like you," she mumbled. "Like... Ya know... A lot?"
I nodded slowly.
"Oh, is that all?" I asked. "I like you too."
Dash beamed up at me, her wings spreading widely. She looked about ready to take off.
"Really?!" She cried.
"Of course!" I said, scratching the top of her head. "You're one of my very best friends."
Dash deflated, her wings sinking.
"Oh," she grumbled, looking quite cross. I frowned. I reached down and scratched between her wings. She melted, and moaned loudly as she cuddled with me.
"I mean it," I said earnestly. "Out of all the ponies I first met, you welcomed me with open hooves and wings. And you stood up for me at the town meeting when that rich bitch tried to have me classified as a beast." I scratched between her wings harder, and Dash groaned, cuddling with me closer.
"Uh... Uh huh..." She went on. I shook my head.
"I do not know what Filthy sees in her."
"She's a horrible nag, but she's a really hot MILF," Dash groaned. I blinked.
"Really? I don't see it," I said. Dash's eyes widened.
"W-Wait... You don't... See it... Uhhh...?" She asked. I shook my head.
"Nah. I'm a human, remember? I don't see ponies in a sexual sense," I said. I saw that Dash was about to slip off, and I reached down and grabbed her rump. She yelped, and wiggled a bit. She looked at me intently.
"So... If some pony were to be attracted to you...?" Dash asked, her eyes darting to the side. I shrugged.
"I guess it's possible? But I don't see how it could be," I admitted. "I'm just a bit, goofy primate after all. You ponies have evolved to find your own kind attractive. I mean, most of you."
"W-Well, actually, we do like species other than ours," Dash said carefully, stuttering hard. I frowned and readjusted my grip on her bottom. She groaned.
"You all right? And you do?" I asked. Dash nodded quickly.
"Y-Yeah...! Like, griffins! And dragons! And sometimes minotaurs! Ooooh...!"
"Oh! Well, that's good for you guys," I said with a smile, "but I just can't see you guys in a sexual sense. I mean," at her shocked, angry look, "I mean! You're just fine! In fact I think you're cute, but sexy?" I shook my head. "I just can't see it."
Dash scowled.
"Oh really?" She asked. I nodded.
"Absolutely," I replied.
Dash smirked, and arched her back like a cat.
"Well then," she purred, "maybe I should take you for a ride that will change your life~."
I blinked a few times. No way, come on...
"Er... You mean...?" I asked. Dash looked aside.
"I mean... You know, I'd just be doing it to help you out," she said quickly. "And it wouldn't be anything serious but... Uh, it wouldn't mean I want to have your foals or anything!"
"Okay, so what would it be?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow.
She blushed hard. I frowned in concern.
"Yes?" I asked.
"Well," Dash began... Which is when something hit the tree and knocked us both out of the hammock. Apples fell in a rain from above, and I held my hands up as a shield.
"OW OW OW!" I cried. Dash yelped.
"HEY!"
"Oops!" Applejack cried. The orange mare trotted up, adjusting her hat. "Sorry you two. Didn't see you there."
"What?!" Dash demanded, "how did you NOT see us?!"
"Well, we Earth ponies don't have quite as good o' vision as you pegasi," Applejack said, already trotting up and examining my head. "Ya alright, sugahcube?"
"Ow, yeah," I winced. I scowled. "Seriously though, watch out next time!"
"Oh, ah will," Applejack said, smiling but her eyes were narrowed. "Ah jest have a tendency t' get a little... Violent over mares who can't leave well enough alone."
Dash glared back at Applejack. It was like an arc of electricity was crackling between them, as they took the measure of one another.
"Oh really? You haven't seen me when I'm fighting for what's mine," Dash growled back.
I looked back and forth, and sighed. I was definitely not going to be in the middle of this.
"Yeah, look, you guys have fun with your epic rivalry. I'm going to go relax somewhere else."
Applejack and Dash started, and both grabbed onto my arms as I gathered up my supplies.
"Hey, hang on!" Dash cried. "We've still got napping to do!"
"And ah jest put together a cool bath fer ya!" Applejack insisted. "We can share it!"
"Like Tartarus you'll share it with him!" Dash hissed.
"Like I said, you guys enjoy the rivalry and I'll be somewhere else," I said. I yanked myself free, and tipped my hat to them. "Good day, ladies."
I headed off as the two began to argue furiously. I shook my head.
Dash had definitely given me something to think about.
"I'LL RIP YER CELESTIA-DAMNED WINGS OFF!"
Somewhere else.
- - -
Sweet Apple Acres was the source of most of my work, if I was being honest. The industrious Apple family had a lot of land and a lot of assets they needed to maintain and improve, and so there was almost always something they could hire me for. And while the work was difficult, it was very rewarding. Both in monetary terms, and in the friendship I had with the Apples. The day after my awkward day off, I was back at it.
I was working hard on the porch-Another plank had gotten loose, and I had to nail it down. It was troublesome, as no matter how much I used my mallet or my hammer and nails, the damn thing wouldn't stay down! It was just irritating. I sighed as I glared down at the porch. I grit my teeth and tried very hard not to grind them. I lifted my hammer up again, and slammed it down furiously.
"Come on, come on... Stay! Down! Why? Won't?! You?! Stay?! Down?!"
I glared with as much hatred as I could at the disobedient piece of wood. I sighed, and leaned back on my knees. Thankfully the Equestrians had kneepads. Nearby, Granny Smith, the aged matriarch of the Apple family, was sitting in her rocking chair. She chuckled softly, rocking back and forth. Her rocking chair creaked gently on the far straighter porch planks.
"Losin' yer temper ain't gonna help it," Granny advised. "Give it a rest, and sit a spell with me."
I took a few deep breaths, and then nodded. I stood up, and walked over. I sat down next to the aged mare, and looked out at the apple orchards with her. It was quiet, save for the wind blowing gently and the creaking of the old mare's chair. I fidgeted, feeling a bit awkward. Granny Smith was always kind but also very strange. Granny let out a breath through her nostrils, and shook her head.
"Ah thought I'd seen everything, ya know," she said at last. I blinked slowly, and shrugged.
"I think everyone thinks that when they get old enough," I said gently. Granny Smith hummed thoughtfully, looking me over. I fidgeted again. Granny Smith's eyes were old-Not as old as Celestia's, but still quite ancient.
I remember when I'd looked into the eyes of the alicorn princess. It was like looking into the eyes of eternity. Her gaze was steady as a mountain, and just as unchanging. Yet her eyes crinkled in merriment like a child, and could see through you like you were utterly transparent. Granny Smith's gaze wasn't quite that intense, but still bore the experience and wisdom of ages. She chuckled again, her eyes closing and adding to the laughter lines on her aged face.
"Seein' a human is somethin' ah'd never thought ah'd see," she said. "Seems all them legends is comin' true. A time of heroes an' monsters."
I frowned. Princess Celestia had said humans were known to Equestria in their ancient legends, but they hadn't seen any in thousands of years.
"You know about humans?" I asked. Granny Smith chuckled.
"Well course ah do! Why do you think ah always treat ya so nice?" She asked. I shrugged.
"I assumed you did that for everyone."
"Well, ah do," Granny admitted, "but ah also do it t' get yer blessin'. And frankly, mah farm needs all th' help it can get."
"Blessing?" I asked in confusion. Granny nodded, and cleared her throat.
"'And so Megan the Wise taught the Earth ponies the till and the hoe. How to sow carrots, corn, apples, potatoes, and cherries. To grow wheat and to bake bread so that they would not go hungry.' From th' chapter o' Sundance in the Book o' Harmony." Granny Smith nodded and winked. "Ah'm a descendant of one o' the ponies who helped Megan the Wise, ya know! Applejack's named fer her!"
"Um," I began, thinking about how best to handle this, "Granny Smith, while I appreciate that... I'm not some supernatural being. I mean, I don't even have magic!"
Granny Smith chuckled, and patted my shoulder with her shaking hoof. She gave me a wink.
"Not all magic is obvious, sonny," she said. "Ya came jest before Nightmare Moon returned! It's prophecy! So jest in case, ah'm gonna make sure yer well taken care of. As it says in the Book 'o Harmony!"
I sighed, and rubbed my face. Great, I was a religious icon on an alien world. That couldn't possibly end badly.
"All right. I appreciate it, but I'm still going to work for everything you give me," I stated firmly. Granny Smith laughed, and nodded.
"Ah'd expect nothin' less!" She said. She gave me a sidelong look. "So, yer of age raht?"
I raised my eyebrows.
"Yeeeeaaaahhh?" I asked.
"And ah've seen Applejack givin' ya some looks," Granny added. I sighed and closed my eyes.
"Granny, I told you-I don't see ponies in that way."
Granny shrugged. "So ah'll git the Princesses t' turn Applejack into a human mare! Her flanks'll be firm and her hips'll be wide 'n foal bearing no matter if she's an Earth Pony or a human! Ah'd love t' be great-grandma t' a demigod or five!"
I sighed and looked out at the apple acres. There was Applejack all right, hard at work as usual. She was pouring water into a bucket, and poured it all over herself. The water flowed down her body, and left her long, blonde hair soaked and sticking to her fur. She looked our way, her hat off, her green eyes warm as she gave me a little smile.
My mind imagined her as a human female... And I blushed hard. Granny Smith cackled.
"Heeheehee! So, when ya'll goin' on a date, huh?!"
"I think I'll take a rain check," I said quickly, getting up and gathering my tools. "Fix it tomorrow, see ya!"
I headed off quickly. I had the feeling I was going to have some issues from now on...
- - -
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Even the densest of materials will fall before the entropic force that is sexy.
The core of the Sun is less dense than him.
Well It was only a matter of time.
10352975
Gotta agree with you there. Seen anime protagonists just as dense if not denser. I know it's for the story and all (or lazy ways to extend the story) but damn, when the opposite sex basically come at you naked and spell it out ya kinda think the protagonist doesn't have a brain cell up there. Let alone two to scrape together.
Glad to see he's finally picking up on stuff tho. That Applejack tho... that's a nice scene.
Applejack vs. pony Susan Ivanova...
I'll get the mop.
Begin Courting Montage!
There he goes just walking on two feet,
singing, "Do Wah Diddy Diddy Dum Diddy Do ..."
...
Actually lets go with a different song, ...
I thought love was only true in fairy tales
Meant for someone else but not for me
Love was out to get me
That's the way it seemed
Disappointment haunted all of my dreams
Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer
Not a trace of doubt in my mind
I'm in love
I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried
I thought love was more or less a giving thing
Seems the more I gave the less I got
What's the use in tryin'
All you get is pain?
When I needed sunshine, I got rain
Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer
Not a trace of doubt in my mind
I'm in love
I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried
...
Oohhh!!! Thats funny! Keep up the chapters and can’t wait for all of the main 6 to come screaming “I LOVE YOU DUMBASS” To him XD
Would obasama be alright with him having a harem?
Do people really think a character as dense as Shepherd is funny or Charming, because to me he just seems like a moron.
Rainbow Dash.
So calling it. It's gonna be Rainbow Dash. This situation has her name all over it.
Called it
It's only gay if it's the same gender, ya goof.
This is kinda getting old, Andrew
You're seriously going with that? Pffff
He could at least realise what effect he has on them
Lies
Ah yes, Megan was a farm girl, wasn't she? And ponies back then did such a whole lot of nothing around their fancy castly that I doubt they built it themselves.
Yes, but that particular ancestor was a very silly pony
Eh. It worked for Paul Atreides... kinda
Ohey, he's catching on
Remarks and corrections:
> I'm just a bit, goofy primate after all.
Fairly sue that should be "big", not "bit".
And there's a bunch of capital letters in "s/he said" constructions you should probably take a look at:
> "You mad at me or something?" She asked.
> "Really?!" She cried.
> "Uh... Uh huh..." She went on.
> "W-Wait... You don't... See it... Uhhh...?" She asked.
> "Oh really?" She asked.
> treat ya so nice?" She asked.
> "Ah'd expect nothin' less!" She said.
None of these should have a capital letter on "she"
10353571
Relax, he's finally getting a clue in the next few chapters. Then it's "What am I going to do about it?"
In his case...? We'll see.
you made a himbim
“Have the Princess turn her into a human mare.”
“No! No! ...no...you could do that-er-NO! I couldn’t do that to her! Or any pony! I’m fine...I have many many good friends who care about me and I’ll just...die alone-okay I’m gonna go!”
He falls into poison joke it should turn him into a pony.
“Twilight!”
“H-hello? S-sir?”
“It’s me! Shepherd.”
“Sh-shut up...”
“I fell into some poison joke and this happened!”
“That’s...fantastic.” Her eyes going up and down his body.
“Yeah I can’t believe it either, you have any book or spell that can help me out of this?”
“Why...why-yes! I’m sure I do, let me just get you back to my bedroom-place-the library!”
“Great! Although maybe I should talk to Zecora she might-“
“NO! I saw you first!”
Curse you, thots!
At this point I'm wondering why they don't just all force themselves on him and magically make him like it. Or if he's ever going to say no.
So Rainbow Dash, Applejack - really all the other ponies interested in Andrew - get friendzoned. But at least for Dash, that's not a total deterrent.
Some people can stretch it well into a seventh season...
I know I'm not the first person to point it out, but a woman dating a man is literally the furthest thing from "gay" that is possible to do short of actually copulating with them.
10353002
To be fair, the "naked" part doesn't mean as much as it usually does, because horses.
10425706
It was more of Shep imagining AJ with the water soaking her hair and flowing down her as a human rather than the pony she really was at the time.
Can be really nice times I tell you. More things I miss now that I've been single for ages.
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
I suppose not. Even a mighty stone will be worn down to a pebble if it stays long enough in the middle of a rushing river.
10425706
If RD classifies as a dude than I suppose it'd be gay, but since there is nothing saying that they are, no homo
So this Equestria kinda get human tech dropped all over. I see how that can advance them by millenia. Yet i wonder how humans seem to be the extream rare exception.
Hope they never get nukes or bio weapons
10777649
The problem is, they don't have the immediate understanding how it works. It would cost a lot of money, time, and research to get started. Human tech is based on a lot of that, plus failures to learn from. The ponies in this chapter, per Granny Smith, didn't even know how to till and farm. Meghan had to teach them. If they did, you can damn well bet Celestia and Luna wouldn't be handing out guns to Shepard, let alone in public at all.
Computers and Tools as well as nails and other little things would do a lot of good for the Population to rise or diverse in Technology advantage.
Aggressive flirting and open invitations all over, the choices are endless.
This was a great way to quote that.
At least we have a nice mental picture of what could have been.