• Published 1st Jul 2020
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Beyond Me - Boopy Doopy



This isn't me. I am not this pony.

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Positivity

The first place we went after we got off the train and checked into the hotel Golden Crest got for us was the clothing store. Caramel apparently had money to spend– not that I didn’t– and shyly went for a pretty expensive looking dress near the back of the store. I knew I couldn’t think whatever was in the back of my head about it since I was going for the exact opposite at the exact same time, finding a small, kid sized tuxedo to try on. I shut down any negative thoughts I might have had before and tried my best to just feel happy for them.

It was something small that happened, but a little moment while we were clothes shopping really put into perspective just how superior and uptight my attitude toward Caramel had been. The pony came out in a simple blue dress and a little top hat to show us the outfit they chose. As they got compliments on their outfit, a smile made its way onto their face. Not a smirk or a grin or an excited looking one; it was a small, bashful smile they had as they looked at the floor shyly. It looked like one that conveyed both nervousness about what they were doing, and happiness that it was worth it, and somehow just all of a sudden made me think about just how awful I was acting towards them.

“Yeah, you already knew you were being terrible,” I thought. “You act like that all the time, and always think about it, but never do anything about it. Either fix it, or just stop thinking about it. Thinking about how terrible you are doesn’t make you not terrible.”

Yup, I knew that, and even thought exactly that before, and still did nothing. It did not matter how terrible or immoral I thought what somepony was doing was. Everyone was still entitled to the same respect, both externally and internally.

“So stop being frustrated about how you’re acting and go say you’re sorry.”

I didn’t say anything right away, waiting for a moment when they went back to looking for other clothes before I said something.

“Hey, Caramel?” I started quietly, absolutely wanting to keep it to myself what I was about to say but knowing nothing would change if I did. They looked down at me with big eyes and a slightly confused expression, definitely not knowing what was coming next.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry for how I’ve been acting to you,” I told them quickly. “You know, um, being kind of mean and uptight and acting like I’m better than you and stuff. You don’t deserve that, and I shouldn’t be thinking like that or acting like that.”

Caramel somehow surprised me by smiling instead of frowning at what I told them. “It’s okay,” they said. “I know you’re just a foal and are trying your best. I mean, we are in this together right?”

“Don’t be aggravated. Don't be aggravated. I’m trying to not feel exactly like this. It’s not her fault you look like a nine year old.” I did such a good job at pushing down my aggravation that I didn’t even immediately notice I thought about Caramel in the context of being a mare.

“Besides,” she continued, “you already helped me feel a lot more confident about myself. In more ways than one. I probably wouldn’t have been confident enough to try and put on a show in Canterlot if not for you, so you’ve already helped me more than you think.”

Was that true? I barely talked to her, probably only a dozen or so times over the course of the summer. But I guessed if Caramel said so, I would take it, and push down any negative feelings I had about ways I helped. My new goal was going to be to stop being so annoyingly uptight all the time, as hard as it would be to do. I needed to change my thinking, although I was pretty sure that wasn’t the first time I said that. Wasn’t I supposed to be using Twilight to remind myself of what not to be? It was like I was trying to emulate her with how I acted.

But now that it was on my mind, I actually stopped to think about who all I might have helped. I definitely helped my friends stop fighting with each other. I helped Caramel feel more confident. I helped Applejack fix her finances and start to be able to rebuild her property and do repairs. I helped Golden Crest pay his workers more. I was unsure if I helped Princess Luna, but if I did, it would’ve been passively. Who else?

I didn’t know about Twilight, but she seemed a little more chilled out than before? But I hadn’t known her for long enough to say one way or the other whether I was making any difference on her any measurable way. Not that I was trying to either way. I didn’t know if I had an impact, and if I did, what it would’ve been, but I certainly felt like I did. They definitely had an impact on me, I could say that much. I was certain if they hadn’t appeared in my life, I would’ve been more aggressive to Caramel.

I suddenly had a thought, and it was a thought that actually made sense. I wasn’t gonna be uptight and say I was already perfect; I wasn’t, and I knew that. If I was perfect, there’d be nothing to apologize to Caramel about and no frustration I held about our situations or bad thoughts to be thought. I definitely needed to be kinder, but maybe while I was doing that, I was also meant to be helping these ponies. Not that I was going out of my way to do so or making any special effort. But it seemed like, even though I thought nothing was happening, something actually was happening just by me being here and doing whatever. Maybe that’s why I was here.

That did not exempt me from getting better. That could not be used as an excuse to say I could do whatever I wanted. But maybe while they were helping me towards… I didn’t know, whatever God had planned for me, I could help them by… something else I didn’t know. I was really just guessing as to what I was doing. But it was a comforting thought to have anyway, that I was having an effect on creatures.

Even as uptight as I was being, it made me smile to think that I was helping ponies, even if that helped turned out to– no, I wasn’t gonna think about that. I was only gonna be happy that Caramel was feeling more confident, and not be so uptight and superior when I was literally doing the exact same thing.

I found a tuxedo to try on, which made me feel happy, although I didn’t think it was something that really suited me. What did suit me though was a shirt that looked like something I’d put on at church, one that was green and checkered and had long sleeves and a foldable collar. That was going to be my outfit for when I met whatever members of nobility Golden Crest was taking me to.

“And maybe that can be okay to do?” I thought to myself as I turned from side to side in the mirror, looking my presentation over. I did think I looked kind of nice in it, almost like a colt, and found myself wearing the same smile I saw Caramel with earlier. Maybe it was okay if she was a mare and I was a colt.

Maybe. Maybe it still wasn’t. It wasn’t a question I was ready to get into just yet. For now I’d settle for not acting so uptight and superior to Caramel all the time when I was literally doing the exact same thing and start acting like an actual friend. It’s what I did with Lofty and Holiday, wasn’t it?

Caramel spent more time trying on other dresses, but I settled for what I had and just bought the one thing. After we were done, we headed right over to the show she was planning to put on, a comedy show it looked like, except one exclusively for Canterlot nobility. She was only on for like fifteen minutes, and mostly did tricks and stand up– somehow, I was expecting something different– but she still got a few laughs and polite claps of hooves during the act. I didn’t know if they weren’t into it, were weirded out by her wearing a dress, or just always acted like that, but I did my best to show support. That’s why I was here after all.

As I did, I tried to get a good look at the ponies in attendance. There was one with a mustache and a monocle wearing a tuxedo, and one with blonde hair and a blue tie that made it seem like they were the most important two. At least, I assumed so since they were sitting slightly in front of everyone else and were in the center of the group.

Not that they were easy to keep track of. Half of them were white coated, and almost all of them were unicorns. Not a good sign if that wasn’t a coincidence. I had a gray coat and golden mane, which I figured was pretty close, but I wasn’t a unicorn. Hopefully that wouldn’t be a requirement. If it was, then I had gigantic, probably insurmountable, issues.

But I was gonna stay positive and trust that Golden Crest could talk me up enough to make that a non factor, if it even was a factor. Although if it was true, then it kind of explained why both Golden Crest and Filthy Rich only ever visited Canterlot while they lived in Ponyville.

At the hotel, he tried to tell me that it was nothing and probably was just a coincidence, but I didn’t know if he was just saying that to put me at ease. I normally would assume he was just being kind, but with how these ponies acted slightly different to humans, I couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not. I decided I would take him at his word, but proceed with caution.

“We’ll meet them either tomorrow or the day after,” he told me. “Princess Celestia has day court, and they normally show up for that. You can sit in the stands and watch how things are done during that time and get a good feel for what it’s like being a politician.”

Oh. I was going to Celestia’s day court. Of course, things were gonna be awkward. Not that I was surprised. I just forgot that things were only allowed to be okay for a month at a time before they got dumb again.

“That’s the negative energy you need to get rid of,” I told myself. “Stop assuming the worst. If you assume the worst, you’re gonna get the worst. Maybe take a chance and try to think positive.”

Positive. I was gonna be positive. This was gonna work, and I was gonna make it work. I was gonna try and be positive. It wasn’t like negativity helped me so far anyway.

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