And The Effect Of
“You k- you know… th-the only time we- we can- that they l-let us have- have apple cider is- is- is… holidays… it’s not fair…”
“I’m pretty sure you’ve had enough cider to drink for now, Scootaloo,” I told her as I watched her and the whole group down three drinks in about an hour and a half. In the same time, I’d had about half of mine, and I could tell that these ponies weren’t handling it well.
“But we still have one… um, yeah,” Diamond got out, holding the ticket in one hoof as she finished the rest of her third drink. ”We should just… uh… put the- the thing so we can have our last one. I mean, we have one left, so yeah.”
“I’m pretty sure you four are drunk,” I responded, “and I really don’t think you should have any more.” They clearly had a low alcohol tolerance, but to be fair, they were around ten, which was part of the reason I was taking my drink slow.
“Oh, so you think just because you’re cuter than us you can- can do whatever you want Asher?” Silver Spoon got out, pointing an accusing hoof at me, which caused me to blush, not liking the idea that kids looked at me like that, especially girls. “Who ma-made you queen of the group?”
“Hey, she’s not prettier than me,” Diamond protested, stomping a hoof and almost stumbling because of it.
“I mean, she a little bit is,” Silver responded, making my face go bright red and causing my ears to flatten. “I’d date her if… if she let me. She’s cute.”
“You say that about everypony, Silver. You said that about Button Mash a few days ago.”
“Hey, Button Mash is mine!” Sweetie Belle yelled, sending an angry glare the girl’s way.
“Okay, this subject is making me uncomfortable, so we’re changing it,” I broke in, thoroughly embarrassed that she felt that way about me.
“See, I- I told you three- you two that you two were annoying her,” Scootaloo said. “Although you’re not as bad as I thought you were, so you get a pass this time.”
“Yeah, we thought you’d be- hic- be uh, stuck up and snobby like always,” Sweetie Belle added. “You guys aren’t that bad.”
“You two aren’t that bad either,” Diamond decided. “I- we- I might in-invite you to our sleepover tonight since you’re not as- as lame as we thought.”
“Oh, Asher has to come, too, cause she’s cute,” Silver added, unsteady on her feet.
“You already said that, Silver,” Diamond told her before looking down at her empty mug. “She already said that, guys.”
“Oh look! It’s Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo suddenly got out, flapping her wings wildly as she pointed up to a cloud a bit of a ways away. “Let's go see her! She’s so cool!”
Before I knew it, all four of them were half running, half stumbling over to see her. I couldn’t help but sigh and roll my eyes at the sight, and took another gulp of my cider before heading off after them.
The rainbow haired pony had a smile on her face as I approached her, and I could hear them excitedly chattering as I made my way up to them.
“You’re so cool, Rainbow!”
“How do- how do you clear the clouds so, uh, fast?”
“The cider tastes gooood!”
“I know, I’m amazing, I’m just that awesome, and I haven’t had any yet,” she responded, grinning widely. “Gotta keep my senses sharp for clearing the sky tonight. Although clearly you fillies have had a few. I bet you used all four tickets all at once!" She laughed at that thought, adding, "That’s what I did when I was your age.”
“Nuh-uh!” Sweetie Belle protested. “I still have one! And Asher said she, uh, she didn’t want the rest of her- her tickets and gave them away!”
I should’ve expected it, but I was caught off guard when I was on my back again, nose to nose with the pegasus, her eyes wide open in surprise.
“You gave away your tickets?” she asked suspiciously. “What, do you not like apple cider? I knew you were a spy trying to overthrow Equestria! Wait until Princess Celestia hears about this!”
“Please don’t… put your nose so close to mine,” I asked. “That makes me really uncomfortable, especially since all of you ponies seem to like doing that. I don’t want to keep having my nose touched by you guys, especially not with your noses.”
“Hmmm, well, I’ll let you off this time, spy, but you have to answer one question first. Who is the greatest, fastest, more fearsome pony in all of Equestria?”
“Oh! I know! It’s you!” Scootaloo broke in happily. “It’s you! That’s the answer!”
“Well, it is me, but that wasn’t a question for you, squirt. That was a question for… what’s your name again, kid?”
“Asher, and I’m not a kid, I'm an adult,” I replied. “Aaaaaaaaand, I spilled my drink. Thanks.”
“Sorry, kid, you’re not an adult. But let me get you a new drink, be right back.”
“You don’t need to-” I got out, but was cut off by a rush of wind as she ignored me and flew off back to the stand, reappearing just a few seconds later.
“There you are, one brand new drink,” she said, thrusting the mug in my hands- hooves- as I stood up again. “Sorry about that. But hey, at least you have a full mug now! All good?”
“I guess, but I was going to tell you I didn’t need a new drink-”
“But I got you one anyway because I’m just that awesome, aren’t I? Not many other ponies would’ve done that so quickly, I can guarantee that.”
“Yes, but- actually, never mind,” I decided, realizing that arguing wasn’t going to get me anywhere. “Thank you, I appreciate it,” I said with a little bit of a tone, continuing, “now, I need space please?” I wasn’t claustrophobic yet, but I felt like the more time I spent here, the more I would start to get that way.
“I said I’m sorry,” she told me defensively, coming in closer rather than retreating, forcing me to step back. “I really didn’t mean to spill your drink. I was just playing around.”
“I know, and I-”
“Is this because I flew you around before?” she asked. “I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have done it if I knew I was going to scare you. I’m really sorry.”
“I don’t need you to-”
“What if I made it up to you?” she asked. “I could get you more tickets if you want them. Oh! What if I-”
“Rainbow Dash, look at me!” I finally yelled, loud enough to make her stop and listen. “It’s. Fine. Okay?” I told her. “If it wasn’t fine, I promise I would speak up. But it’s fine, okay? Just please…” I trailed off, trying to think of the right way to say what I wanted to tell her. The first thing that came to mind was ‘back off’, which I knew she wasn’t going to take well given her character. I wanted her to get that I wanted her to back off, but I definitely didn’t want to make her upset.
“Just calm down, please. You’re at seven or eight, and you should be at three, okay? Just calm down and give me space. I promise I forgive you for flying me around and for spilling my drink. I’m not mad at all.”
“Oh. Well, okay,” she responded, frowning a bit before smiling again. “I guess I can get pretty out there, and not everypony can handle me, even at five. I’m just that awesome, aren’t I?”
“Hey, if- if Asher’s- if she’s- he’s… wait, I forgot, are you a colt or a filly?” Sweetie Belle said, causing me to scowl.
“Haha, I guess you fillies have had a little too much if you think she’s a colt,” the rainbow haired pony laughed, and I took a swig of my new mug of cider because of it. “Asher’s definitely a filly.”
“Ugh, I’m not a girl,” I told her grumpily. “I know I look like one, but I’m not.”
“Wait, what?” Rainbow Dash asked, now confused. “You only had one mug, right? Or, like, three-quarters of one anyway. Are you that much of a lightweight? I definitely saw that you had mare parts.” It caused my scowl to deepen and my cheeks to become flushed as my ears flattened like it seemed like they always were.
“I know what I look like,” I said, “but I- just because I have- it doesn’t-”
“I mean, I’d say having those things does make you a filly, Asher. Anypony will tell you that.”
“Ugh, I’m going for a walk.”
Before I knew it, I was sitting, or, in my case, laying on a park bench alone, the girls I was friends with off with Rainbow Dash still, doing something else. I was trying to not let my emotions get the best of me like they seemed to be doing a lot lately, and honestly thought I was doing a pretty good job. The sun on my coat felt good, and even though it was supposed to be the official start of summer today, the weather wasn’t too hot, letting the sun feel more like a comfortable blanket as it shined on me. I breathed slow deep breaths and set my drink in the grass next to me, trying to get relaxed after dealing with what were basically drunk kids for the last couple of hours. I had my eyes closed, and kept them that way for I didn’t know how long, until someone started talking to me.
“Hey there,” an unfamiliar voice started, forcing me to open my eyes. “Do you mind if I sit next to you?”
“No, it’s fine,” I answered quietly, scooting over to give them room. It was a stallion, one with an orangish-brown, almost caramel-colored coat and darker brown hair. I also noticed that, as he sat down, he looked a bit… I didn’t know. Either upset or sad would have been the best way to describe it.
It was silent for a few minutes after that, both of us sitting quietly, not really looking each other's way until he finally asked, “Is something wrong?”
“It’s nothing,” I responded. “I’m just getting worked up over the same dumb things I always do.”
“Oh… well, want to tell me what’s wrong?” I looked up at him, and I knew he could tell I was confused because he added, “I mean, if you want to. You just look really sad to me.”
I was about to ask if someone told him to come up to me and talk to me before I remembered that all of the ponies I met up to this point had personal space issues of some kind. Besides, it wasn’t like whoever this pony was was going to believe me anyway.
“I’m just upset because I’m a girl when I’m supposed to be a boy, and it's annoying to have to tell people all the time and it makes me feel bad. It's the worst thing about being a pony, and I hate it with my whole being, and even if I weren’t in this dumb filly’s body, I’d still be a pony and it would still suck. And it’s probably never going to change, and I’m probably never going to see my family and friends again, and it…” I closed my eyes as I took a breath and used my hooves to rub away the wetness that was building up, continuing, “And it sucks really badly, and I hate it with my whole being.”
He didn’t answer right away, and I saw him tilt his head as though processing what I was saying before starting carefully, “I… think I might be able to say that I- I know a little bit about what you’re going through…”
“Wait, what?” I asked, blinking a bit. “You do?”
“Well, um…” he trailed off nervously, looking around before leaning in closer. “Can you, um, can you keep a secret for me?”
I blushed hard at that as the realization hit me and looked away, responding, “I um… I think…” I looked down at my hooves and twirled them a bit, telling him, “I think I know what you’re going to say…” I looked back at him again to see him blushing as well now.
“What- what do you think I’m going to tell you?” he asked, sounding a bit anxious now, looking at his own hooves for a moment before going back to me. “I mean, um… what do- what do you think?”
“I- I think- I think you’re going to say…”
“What?”
“Um, you’re going to say that- that you’re…”
I didn’t know why, but I didn’t want to say what I knew he was going to tell me. I wasn’t sure why I didn’t want to say it though. I knew what he was going to say, and he knew what he was going to say, and I already told him about me, so it wasn’t like he was going to yell at me or something.
“It’s not the same though,” I thought to myself. “Me saying I’m a boy is different than if he’s about to tell me he’s a girl because I actually am a boy. It’s not the same at all.”
“I… I don’t want to say it.” I got out. “I don’t want to tell you what I’m thinking. It’s easier to pretend you’re not… um… the thing I’m thinking.”
“Oh. Well, um…” I watched him swallow and look away again, simply saying, “Okay. I’m sorry.”
“Ugh, I don’t want to have this conversation at all,” I thought to myself. “I know I’m making him feel bad, but what are the odds that out of all the ponies in this town, this particular pony decides to sit down next to me? Probably a million to one, which means that of course God put him here for me to talk to.”
“I’m sorry,” I apologized, my ears flattening. “I don’t- I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.”
“It’s okay. I, um… I think you know what I was… going to tell you anyway. I’ve never actually told anypony else, so… I- I don’t know if that makes you feel better or worse, but um… yeah. I just saw that you looked sad so I wanted to talk to you… I mean, I didn't know that you were going to say you were a boy, but... I'm sorry. I hope I’m not making you feel worse.”
Extremely uncomfortable was what it was making me. I really, really didn’t want to talk to this pony, silently thinking to myself that I’d rather get up and leave right then. Just being around him felt uncomfortable to me. He was kidding himself anyway if he thought that what I thought he was going to say and what I was thinking lined up. He and I weren’t the same at all because I actually was a boy, versus...
“No, stop that,” I told myself silently. “That thinking was- is- the problem in the first place, and is probably the reason you’re like this right now. Even if you want to leave and even if he’s fooling himself, being nice is what you should be doing.”
“So, um… you, um…” I closed my eyes and tried to think about how to say what I wanted to say in the nicest way possible, seeing as I had no experience in this kind of conversation. The idea of just getting up and leaving felt like a good one, but I forced myself to push that thought out of my head and speak.
“Do you, um… think that… you’re a girl? Errr, mare?”
“That’s um… I don’t like the way that question is phrased…” he told me, seeming embarrassed. “But um… I- I... do feel that way, yes…”
“I’m sorry,” I apologized, feeling the urge to leave the conversation grow. However, I forced myself to stay as I continued, “Um, I- I didn’t… I used to actually be a boy before this, as hard as it is to believe, and um… how- how do you deal with… with… you know…? If you want to tell me anyway. I mean, it’s not just me being a girl. I don’t like being a pony in general. But being a girl makes me feel twenty times worse.”
“Well, I- I try to tell myself that eventually it’ll be better, and I’ll be the pony I want to be, even if it’s going to take a long time.”
“But what if it doesn’t change?” I asked. “I mean, I don’t think it’s going to change for me, so… what if it doesn’t ever change?”
“Well, it makes me feel better to tell myself anyway…” he trailed off sadly.
“I guess that makes sense,” I thought to myself. “It’s what I’ve been telling myself, sort of. Although it’s not really the same because he’s… or, I mean… No, I’m not going to call him she, because he’s not actually… ugh, I’m being mean again.”
“I already do that kind of, but I still feel really bad,” I told him.
“Yeah, I know that feeling…”
“I’m sorry.”
Another period of silence followed us, and I couldn’t help but think during it how weird this conversation was. There was no way I should have been able to identify with anything about this pony, and yet I could, and it made me feel bad.
“Ugh, this shouldn’t be happening to me,” I complained. “This sucks and I hate it. I shouldn’t have to deal with this. It’s not… ugh.”
“I’m sorry,” the pony said quietly. “I know exactly how you feel.”
“I don’t think you do…” I mumbled, turning away again.
“I- I do,” he got out. “I know what- what you’re going through and how you feel, kind of at least. I don’t know what you mean when you… talk about being a pony, but I know that-”
“It’s not the same,” I couldn’t help but interrupt, knowing my next words were going to make him upset, but unable to stop myself. “You don’t really know how I feel because you never were a girl whereas I actually did used to be a boy. You’re not actually a girl but I actually am a boy. It’s not the same at all.”
I should’ve known better than to say all of that, because when I turned back to him, he looked like he was about to cry. I instantly frowned at the sight and immediately tried to apologize.
“Wait, hold on, I’m sorry-”
“It’s fine,” he told me, although clearly on the verge of tears, his voice sounding choked up. “I didn’t mean to bother you. I’m sorry.”
“Wait, don’t go…” I tried to say as he got up to leave, sniffling a little bit and giving me one last look before he went away. I felt ashamed of myself because of it, and watched as the pony walked away, head hung low.
“See? This is why you’re like this,” I told myself as I went back to laying down on the bench. “You can’t just be nice to other people.”
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Might need to fix this. Asher, and I’m a kid, I'm an adult,” I replied. “Aaaaaaaaand, I spilled my drink. Thanks...... which is it
10841688
Apple Cider. Not even once
and definitaly not a mistake on my part. When have I ever made a typo ever?Ponies be like: "The difference between sex and gender? Ah yes, we have dismissed that claim."
Unfortunately, Asher doesn't know the difference either, it seems.
"Alcohol is my vice of choice, yet I remain frustratingly articulate."
This story I can somewhat relate to, But cannot comment upon 100% freely.
First off, I'd like to thank you Boopy Doopy, for providing another great chapter.
It helps having something to look forward to after a hard day's work.
This inner conflict of religious ideals and the realization of how reality is, resonates with me.
I'd be considered a heretic by those who are supposed to be 'tolerant and accepting',
Yet at the same time... I've 'lost' a few friends after they, 'regretted their choices'.
Yet, according to scriptures of old, I'm designated for the, 'less than pleasant place'.
It makes me feel out of place... Not 100% on either side.
It makes me wonder why I would be created in such a way?
I just wish that people (or ponies), could learn to love who they are, But I acknowledge the
feeling of one's body not reflecting the soul. (mainly through my Trans friends)
I do not mean to offend in any way. I'm just giving my drunken thoughts. (Which I apologize for in advance)
Looking forward to more, ^.^
10841714
In my years of college, this was something that was still being studied. (My knowledge is of 2013 - 2015, so it is most likely outdated)
The separation of the two, is interesting, yet there seems to be a correlation between them, (Bodily Hormones being a large factor)
It basically broke down to Psychological versus Physiological, Which lead to the splitting of a few schools of thought...
Anyways, I've been meaning to read your stories as well. (I'm not trying to be offensive, I'm literally a bit drunk... Sorry) [I have bad coping mechanisms]
10842193
Yeah it's definitely an extremelly recent/emerging field of study, so the idea of even a 2000s era civilization not really knowing the difference is pretty understandable, and Equestria is usually depicted as somewhere between medieval to Modern (as in Atom/nuclear age, 1940s) in terms of technology and social sciences.
There's no need to rush over to read my story. Everyone will eventually.
Everyone.
I think I know what's bothering me the most about Asher. It's certainly not the gender/sex dysphoria he's currently experiencing. It's not the age change. No, it's the fact that Asher has NO empathy/sympathy beyond what he thinks is religion has dictated to him. Even then, he seems to be having issues with it.
To avoid going into all the details (unless somebody wants me to), Asher is extremely self-centered.
10842279
Can I get a pm of the details?
10842279
I think its less that hes self centered and more that him being fir ed into a female body is q constant reminder of what happened to him and so its hard to think about anything else.
Also that bit with Caramel there was just a big Oof moment. Kinda made Asher seem bad, even if he didn't really intend to be mean. Though if Caramel is transgendered, that raises an interesting idea. If Asher was turned into a femake pony then that means it woukd be possible to do the same to Caramel.
10842279
ya know that tracks with me. Nice chapter but yeah Asher may have 1 point in having been born the gender he thinks he is before his very much unwanted transgenderization, but he really should have listened to Caramel more for help. Dumb religious nutjob.
10843469
It'll all end up back in a circle eventually. This won't be the last we see Caramel.
To be fair, I feel about the same way about my thighs. Whenever I even think of someone touching there, I instinctively move my legs.
I'm getting a strong vibe of Pride coming from Asher, with a side dash of Wrath.
I think Asher should pluck her eyelashes and dress in men’s clothes and maybe become a unisex boy.
Heh, at first we were like, "Turner, is that you?" but then we were all, "Eyyy, it's Caramel!" then we were sad because it's not exactly the same wimpy stallion that eventually marries Fluttershy...
Still, Asher did a big bad and should feel bad, especially after barking on everyone else...
Made me chuckle :)
Yowch. I know this is upsetting, Asher, but would it really kill you to be nicer to others?
Drunk Silver and drunk Diamond are rad. Maybe they should do that more often.