• Member Since 10th Apr, 2020
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

Horse Words By Allie


My stories are almost as bland as my personality and that's not okay.

E
Source

In which Rarity believes in true love and Applejack thinks Rarity's crazy if she thinks she has a chance with her cousin.

Everyone else in the story are just there for plot convenience.


Cover art background slightly edited in order to not mislead, but sourced nonetheless. I can't draw, I can barely write.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 5 )

Good story. :twilightsmile:

Very nice! The little one-sentence stingers at the end of the first few sections were spot-on. You have an excellent knack for timing there. However, where those first few transitions were some of the strongest moments of the story, I felt the ones towards the middle and end were some of the weakest.

Take for example this bit:

“Speaking of Applejack, where is that lass?” Rarity shrugged her shoulders, as she tried to maneuver the conversation else where. And though she was enjoying her time – there was no doubt in that – she had this nagging feeling deep down. And maybe she felt like this because she was with him, or maybe it was most likely because she knew she was sneaking behind her friend’s back. A friend who trusts her. In reality, she knew where Applejack was – but what Braeburn didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

And what he didn’t know was that Applejack was in the middle of solving a very important friendship problem between Sunset Shimmer and Rainbow Dash. A very complicated one. A very delicate situation. A situation she never saw coming. Which granted was because Dash and Sunset made this problem up about half an hour ago.

You see, Sunset felt like she puts all the effort in their relationship. She has to plan everything, she has to execute everything, she has initiate conversations and interactions. She feels used and that their friendship doesn’t mean as much to Dash. Dash, on the other hand, feels like she’s taking this out of proportion. Sure, there has been a few times she had to bail, or has left her on read, but to be very honest Dash has been extremely busy with clubs and practice that she either doesn’t have the proper energy to engage.

So, they needed her honest opinion on their situation. And they sure got it. When they planned this, they thought this whole shenanigan could last around twenty minutes max, but here they were still standing in front of the mall’s water fountain as Applejack continued to give her insight of the topic. Sunset hoped that Rarity was using good use of her time and Dash hoped that this conversation would end soon because her feet were sore from standing.

“And sure, it’s great and all to be apart of all these clubs but y’all need to prioritize what is important to you. And Sunset, y’all have to take a step back and look at things through Dash’s eyes, y’all would be overwhelm if you were in the same situation.” Which was the same point she was making; except she was doing it in the same way Dash would when she would try to increase the word count for her essays.

So, we go from Rarity and Braeburn talking, to some exposition, then we end in a totally different location with two totally different characters talking. It's not impossible by any stretch to talk your way from one scene to another without any sort of section break, but I feel like this one (and by extension, the rest of the transitions that you approached in this way) could have been handled better. This section in particular slowed the pace of the story down considerably. Especially considering the scene after Rainbow and Sunset's distraction is seperated by a page break, I think it would be perfectly acceptable to do the same thing here.

Here's a quick n' dirty redo of that same scene, with a short stinger followed by a page break followed immediately by the next scene.

“Speaking of Applejack, where is that lass?”

Rarity shrugged her shoulders. "I have absolutely no idea."

Though she was enjoying her time – there was no doubt in that – she had this nagging feeling deep down. Maybe it was because she was with him. Maybe it was because, in reality, she knew exactly where Applejack was.

Regardless, what Braeburn didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.


What Braeburn didn’t know was that Applejack was in the middle of solving a very important friendship problem between Sunset Shimmer and Rainbow Dash. A very complicated one. A very delicate situation. A situation she never saw coming. Which granted was because Dash and Sunset made this problem up about half an hour ago.

This revision is kinda choppy, and it could definitely be dressed up better in your own unique style (which, just to clarify, I find charming!), but it illustrates my point that short and snappy transitions better move the story's pacing along and keep the tone light, compared to longer, more roundabout transitions.

All in all, I thought this was a really nice read, and an excellent contender for the shipping contest. Congratulations on posting it, and best of luck in the judging!

10310369
Thank you so much for the advice :heart: I really do appreciate comments like these because it helps me understand where can improve and helps me grow as a writer. I'll take what you've suggested and try to incorporate it into my own style. Thank you once again, I hope you have a wonderful day (night? Is time even real?)

10310438
You're very welcome.

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