The 'H' is for Horse
Twilight Sparkle stood proudly at the front of the Ponyville Schoolhouse classroom. Thanks to her efforts as princess, the students started the year with tablet phones for Cheerilee to lead lessons with. Now she was taking one more step toward bringing Equestria to her vision of the future.
The alicorn wrapped her wing around a small griffon with brown feathers who stood next to her. “Everyone, I’d like you to meet your new classmate, Gertie. Her family moved here from Griffonstone, and I hope you all get along.”
Cheerilee walked to the other side of the griffon with a smile. “Now Gertie, why don’t you tell everyone more about yourself.”
She nodded then shuffled forward as her classmates watched. Blushing, she said, “Hi, I’m Gertie. Though, you already know that. My family moved here from Griffonstone. Though, uh, you already know that too.”
An awkward silence hung in the air, and Twilight was about to step in, but then Scootaloo raised a hoof from her desk. “Gertie, do you like swings?"
Taken aback, Gertie stammered a bit, but then nodded.
Scootaloo leapt from her desk, quickly followed by the other Cutie Mark Crusaders. “We have a great swing right outside! It just got fixed up since the last monster attack.”
Apple Bloom followed up with, “Do you get a lot of monster attacks in Griffonstone?”
The griffon replied, “Well, uh, not really, but sometimes there are these big one-eyed monsters called arimaspis. Not like the Arimaspi that took the Idol of Boreas, but smaller ones.”
Sweetie Belle jumped in delight, “You have a the Arimaspi?!”
The other foals joined in a crowd around her, excitedly asking questions. Gertie wasn’t overwhelmed, however, and was instead shouting back answers with growing ease, a smile forming on her beak.
Cheerilee walked to Twilight with a smile. “I admit, I was a bit worried how Gertie would get along with everypony, but it looks like it will go just fine.”
Twilight smiled back. “Ponyville is a good place. I never had any doubt that everycreature would be welcoming, and I knew Gertie would be a great fit here.” She looked at the foals and griffon happily chatting. “I hope for a lot more griffons and other creatures to move here, so all of Equestria can improve.”
A raspy cough took over the room. All eyes turned to a stallion standing at the door. His fur was a faded green with white splotches, his mane a yellow-green with patches of dry blonde hair. He looked sickly, yet stood with unusual confidence. His voice reverberated across built up internal slime as he said, “Ha, sounds like the princess wants to turn this place into an anarchist wasteland. I’ll need some citations on Equestria improving.”
Cheerilee stepped forward. “Excuse me, but this is a classroom. Please leave.”
Twilight raised a hoof. “Hold on, let me talk to him.” Being accused of such a bizarre goal definitely piqued her curiosity. “Pardon me, but what’s your name?”
The stallion pulled out a water bottle, popped the cap off onto the ground, and stuck a straw inside. “My name is Gelatinous Schlub, and you’re avoiding the subject. I’m actually a centrist on the topic of griffons living in Ponyville, but I’m willing to play devil’s advocate for the side saying they shouldn’t be here. You need to prove to me that the griffon there won’t drive the town into the ground.”
The school ponies and Gertie gasped. The griffon said, “Princess Twilight, can you make him leave?”
Schlub scoffed. “You’re just afraid of a civil debate. Typical.”
Twilight turned to Gertie and gave her a comforting smile. “Don’t worry, I’ll handle this. Ponies talk things out instead of kicking the other out of the conversation. I’ll set him straight about all this.”
Cheerilee frowned. “Twilight, this really isn’t the time or place.”
“Don’t worry, I can show everycreature how debates can be resolved. And I’m good at debates, especially when the other pony has an obviously wrong conclusion. Once I straighten things out, he’ll be sure to concede.”
After a few seconds of staring, Cheerilee sighed and rolled her eyes. “Alright, fine, knock yourself out.”
Twilight ahemed and said, “First of all, Mr. Schlub, I would like to point out that griffons are already a regular sight at Cloudsdale and that we’ve already had visiting griffons in Ponyville. Among them, only one has done anything that could be considered close to driving the town into the ground. That griffon, Gilda, has since turned over a new leaf and has played a huge role in bringing Equestria and the Griffon Lands together. The weight of precedence is on the side of griffons not causing problems.”
The green and white pony coughed out a laugh. “If you want precedence, then I have a stat for you. Do you know who causes one hundred percent of the crime in Griffonstone? Griffons. Ergo, a griffon living here would lead to a rise in crime. Look up griffon on griffon crime if you don’t believe me.”
Twilight blinked. “You do realize griffons are the only creatures that live in Griffonstone, right? Of course all crime there would be performed by griffons.”
“Ha! So you admit it.”
She waved her hoof. “Yes, but it’s a meaningless statistic! And it’s completely disconnected from your point that Gertie would lead to a rise in crime.”
“You know what isn’t a meaningless statistic? Gilda the griffon.” He sucked on his straw, satisfied with his answer.
The princess reeled back. “I… literally talked about her already. Even if she hadn’t turned over a new leaf, she’s still just one griffon that committed crimes in Ponyville, and that has no bearing on other griffons. If anything, griffons in Equestria are statistically less likely to commit crimes than ponies.”
Liquid sprayed out of the stallion’s mouth. “Ha! Citation needed!”
Twilight furrowed her eyebrows and magically pulled a tablet phone to her, typing a web address into the browser. “Alright, I’ll have one for you in a second.”
And so it continued. Twilight provided facts and citations, then Schlub would direct the conversation to a new topic to avoid addressing them. The air felt heavier and Twilight could feel herself almost getting sicker as she took in breaths. Over time, Schlub soaked up most of his bottle, and he then produced a loud slurping sound.
Twilight’s eyes drifted down to the bottle the strange stallion drank from. It was a regular water bottle filled with a clear liquid, but something was strange. Droplets sprayed out of his mouth as he sucked on the straw, releasing a smell that felt very familiar.
She raised her eyebrow. “Are you… drinking bleach?”
Schlub coughed out his straw and gurgled out, “Uh, no! I’m not an idiot. I’m drinking diluted bleach. All the benefits, none of the downsides.”
Twilight’s eyes widened. Was this the source of his unnatural color? “You know, there isn’t any level of dilution that makes bleach safe to drink, let alone beneficial.”
“Ha! Citation needed! Debate me about it!” He returned to sipping his bleach.
Twilight narrowed her eyes. “I will not!”
“Then it looks like I win.” Schlub looked to Scootaloo, who watched from several feet away. “Hey kid, want some diluted bleach? It’ll make that ugly face look better.”
The filly cringed and backed away. Twilight teleported between her and Schlub. “Keep her out of this!”
“You said diluted bleach can’t be safe to drink here in front of everypony, yet you don’t defend your statement. I say you can’t defend it! Or are you just unwilling to have a reasoned discussion?”
Twilight frowned. How in the world did the argument switch to this? Well, she supposed she started it by asking about the drink, but…
She looked to Gertie, who was clearly very uncomfortable. Twilight still hadn’t convinced him that griffons were worth keeping at the school. She paused. Wait, was that even what he was arguing before? She couldn’t remember. Well, they’d probably circle back to it after they settled this bleach business.
Twilight heard someone go, “psst,” and she turned to see a very unamused Cheerilee. Gritting her teeth, the teacher said, “Princess Twilight. Get. Him. Out of here.”
“Just a second, I think I’ll resolve this soon.” She turned back to Gelatinous Schlub with a grin. “You wanted citations? Well, you’ll get citations!”
Twilight’s horn glowed intensely, and within seconds, stacks upon stacks of papers magically appeared around them, towering toward the ceiling.
“I have years—decades!—of research articles about the effects of bleach on the pony body, at all levels of dilution. I have medical records of ponies that have ingested bleach. I have scientific papers debunking the idea that bleach has any benefit to the pony body!”
Schlub daintily reached for a paper, glanced at it, then tossed it away, the paper gently floating to the ground. “Pssh, I don’t read scientific papers. Get a better source.”
Twilight’s mouth was agape. “What’s your source, then?!”
“A certain Dr. Whowhatsit, that’s who! His ten-hour video about this will open your mind. He also explains why Coloratura is a total slut.”
Twilight stomped her hoof. “He literally died of bleach poisoning!”
Schlub rolled his eyes. “That’s what you want us to think.”
“What! Are you accusing me of—”
She felt something tugging on her wing. Twilight turned to see Gertie standing next to her, looking up with sad eyes. While Schlub garbled on about something, the young griffon said, “Princess Twilight, can you please make him leave?”
The princess’s heart broke. Every second she was standing there debating this stallion, giving any sense of validity to what he was saying, she was hurting the very creatures she wanted to protect.
That was his goal. He never wanted to debate her. He wasn’t going to concede his points, and would instead change the topic whenever he was losing. He wanted to turn her efforts to argue his points into ways to inflict more pain.
Twilight narrowed her eyes. She knew what to do.
Schlub continued, “And that see-through skirt is a veiled symbol for—”
Twilight’s voice broke through his emissions. “I’m done talking to you. You need to leave.”
The stallion scoffed. “I have been nothing but polite, while you’ve been nothing but rude. If anyone should leave, it’s y—”
With a flash of her horn, Gelatinous Schlub was gone. Creatures sighed in relief around Twilight and she could feel the air easing around them. No doubt partially due to the open bleach container being gone now.
Twilight kneeled down and nuzzled Gertie. “I’m so sorry about all that. I assumed I could convince him to change his ways through talking, but I didn’t realize he was using our discussion to continue hurting all of you. I should have listened to you from the start when you wanted him gone.”
Gertie resisted a bit at first, but then reciprocated the nuzzling. “Thank you, Princess, but… I really would have preferred you did that an hour ago.”
Twilight reeled back. “Has it really been an hour?”
She looked to the clock, and then to Cheerilee, whose dour expression confirmed this was indeed the case.
Twilight groaned. “I don’t expect your forgiveness, Gertie. It was entirely my fault for not kicking him out sooner, and I’ll properly apologize through my actions. Next time somecreature bothers you, or any other creature in Ponyville, we’ll kick them out straight away.”
Gertie still looked unsure, but she nodded. “That would be good. Thank you. Is that stallion still in Ponyville somewhere?”
Twilight smiled and shook her head. “Oh don’t worry. He’ll never bother you again.”
Mars. The red planet.
Two small green figures with large heads slid through a crimson forest on a mound of tentacles. They each wrapped one tentacle around the other’s, and they chatted happily, sometimes rubbing their heads together.
After a moment more of sliding, they came across a strange hoofed and four-legged figure gnawing at the bark of a red tree. The friendly sort, the green figures approached him and waved their tentacles.
“Lgmsffsttsawy!” they greeted.
The stranger turned and pointed his hoof at them. “Ha! Citation needed! Debate me!”
The green figures grimaced and walked past him without further interaction.
The stranger pumped his hoof. “Gelatinous Schlub wins another one!”
This pumping motion resulted in heart failure.
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Meh. :/
I think it would be more realistic if a) this pony was replaced with a more cold-blooded creature with colors that are less distracting/puzzling to the reader (perhaps gray) and b) he was drinking turpentine and advocated for burning foal's books featuring Griffins.
Also, the use of words like 'slut' and jokes about 'clothes mean yes' or death/drinking bleach feel very ill-fitting for an everyone rated story. Most of the humor is generally not fitting for anyone who is seeking what would normally constitute the safest of ratings.
10308387
Fair enough. Updated to Teen. I actually didn't think of "clothes mean yes" with that line, but rather was going for Schlub going off on a QAnon style conspiracy theory. That still works, though.
The stallion's color was meant to evoke Anon + that one Nazi pony. Bleach drinking is a reference to modern events.
What are chuds?
10308429
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Chud
10308414
The turpentine was a joke about the Owen Benjamin's book-burning thing. The closest example I can find to explain it is this archived video because it was removed from basically everywhere.
That was... pretty pointless.
Random stallion comes and accosts a government official in front of a bunch of school children and then acts speciesist and like a total moron because...?
The story doesn't detail a character. It reads like a bad political cartoon with no depth to either side. And then twilight randomly murders said stallion despite her whole schtick being finding long lasting peaceful solutions and helping reform villains.
This would never have fit into the Pride and Positivity group. It all but takes a massive shit on it. And that's just the description.
That's as far as I got with the story. Even if this wasn't for Pony Life, the suspension of disbelief is way past the norm for me.
10308347 Excellently articulated and well thought out.
How exactly is this a Pony Life story? What in this story makes it distinct enough from the base show?
I'm sorry, your writing is fine and you've got a good grasp on story structure and flow. There aren't any grammatical or spelling mistakes I've seen. There's nothing wrong with the mechanics of your story.
But the topic is essentially taking a negative stereotype, dressing it up in the worst way possible, and shoehorning in arguments in the most unflattering and unhonest way possible.
10308541
Everyone has tablet phones, and the ending on Mars felt like the sort of thing the show might do.
10308542
The arguing is a pretty honest depiction of what I've seen in the comments of various blog posts here and images on Derpibooru.
10308553
But do you really think that is an honest depiction of anyone in real life?
Certainly there's nothing wrong with writing what you want... but the story just feels like it doesn't have any point. The only intent seems to be to write someone who is explicitly created to be stupid, and then make them look and sound stupid, then punish them for it.
10308561
The lesson is that when it comes to alt-righters, there's no point in debating them, but rather you should ban/deplatform them and move on.
10308533
Heh. :)
Added "Alt-Right" to the title since I realized "chud" could be an unknown term for many people here.
TECHNICALLY this is the 2nd pony life fic, first one was about twilight being a cat
10308694
Ah, I found it. Thanks for pointing it out.
Sounds too close to actual conversations I've had to make a great story. Real life is absurd. Upvoted for technical correctness.
Nice vent story
I'm sorry for the downpour of negative comments. I've been in enough debates with reactionaries to know how it feels and the harm it can cause.
10308563
Yep. We've heard their ideas many times already. They're just harmful and wrong and don't deserve any more space.
To be clear, I've been deleting comments saying that people on the "other side", meaning bigots, make their points better, as if that means they should be considered at all.
10309538
Well nice job on basically being that one person that believes their opinion is the only 'right' opinion. That's insane.
10309538
You realize that not everyone who criticizes your story is some far-right fanatic who bringing a political slant, right?
10309548
Hmm, if I've deleted a comment that doesn't reflect that view point, then I apologize. I've been deleting comments that seemed to indicate a belief that alt-right views were valid for consideration. The last comment by D Generation X was iffy, but the point about a Nazi story presenting its points better was what did it for me.
10309613
I mean the comment after yours I just deleted literally tried to argue that "but what about black on black crime?!" was a valid point, so...
Also, I recommend looking in comment sections like this if you want to see where this story comes from.
10309631
If you mean my comment, i said that for some people its a "REAL" concern, and that if you think its wrong you should tell them why instead of just disregarding them as bigots.
We can all have civil discussion and get along, we do not need to make enemies were there are none.