• Member Since 18th Apr, 2017
  • offline last seen 19 hours ago

guldringr


Fan of a lot of thing but here's some standouts : RWBY. Star wars. Assassination classroom. Jo Jo's. Legend of zelda. Fallout

E

A young mare has every opportunity to achieve her dream.

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A first attempt at being deep for me, hope you enjoy.
This was written for GM Blackjack's depths of innocence contest. https://www.fimfiction.net/group/214801/depth-in-innocence-contest

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 4 )

There are a lot of errors in this.

A young pink Unicorn foal ran exciting through a hospital hallway.

*excitedly. Also, after you say her name is Twisted Paths, you call her "Twisting" in the next sentence.

The mare laying on the bed looked over with a slight smile, her mane looked as though it had once been the same shade as her daughters, but it had taking on a much duller tint, her coat appeared to have once been a much darker blue but was similarly faded and spotty. "Is that so?" Despite her sickly appearance her voice was just as energetic and proud as you would expect of a parent hearing such a thing.

Every part I underlined is a dominant clause. They should be separated with full stops/periods or semicolons.

I like how you show instead of telling, though, and the choreographer/cartographer mixup was cute. I thought this fanfic would be about a pony who became a dancer before I read it, for some reason.

10311671
Oh semicolons, my arch nemesis.
Thank you for the compliment on showing not telling, and overall I feel like the name might have been fairly weak.... and if I had had longer to work on this it might have ended up being about a dancer

Shilic #3 · 1 week ago · · · 3 ·

Reading every Depth in Innocence Contest entry: Story 1: Steps on a Twisting Path by guldringr

I don't really know how to feel about this one. Right of the bat, the first thing I notice is grammatical errors. A decent amount, in fact. Lack of capitalization, tense errors, the whole works. This story feels like it really could have used another editing pass-over.

But enough about grammar, what about the story itself? Well, I'm sort of neutral on it personally. I think I see what you were going for, short contrasting vignettes about Twisted's life, a character who is putting her dreams on the back-burner, and Pinkie and Fluttershy (in disguise) trying to help her achieve it, but... I dunno, it just feels... rushed? I'm sorry, this one just didn't click with me. I don't think it's bad per say, but I didn't really get anything out of it. (Man, I'm really not good at this whole "giving criticism thing)

10312012
Yeah, I should have tried to give it a another few grammatical checks but the last week was kind of packed so I was kind of rushing to get this done, I really feel like I messed up on the writing process for this, hopefully I'll be able to learn something from it

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