Steps on a Twisting Path

by guldringr

intro

A young pink Unicorn foal ran excitingly through a hospital hallway. her name was Twisted paths and she was quite excited to reach her destination

"Mommy!" Twisting said as she opened the door to the hospital room and excitedly ran up to one of the beds. "Mommy, I got my cutie mark!"

The mare laying on the bed looked over with a slight smile. her mane looked as though it had once been the same shade as her daughters. but it had taking on a much duller tint. her coat appeared to have once been a much darker blue, but was similarly faded and spotty. "Is that so?" Despite her sickly appearance her voice was just as energetic and proud as you would expect of a parent hearing such a thing.

Twisted excitedly turned to the side, revealing an image of a path twisting onto a map. "It means I'm a great cho-reo-grapher, just like Daring Do!"

The mare gave a chuckle at this. "I think you mean cartographer."

But the filly had already started rambling about her favorite story, her mother always found it amusing sharing her daughter talked about the historical hero, especially since no one could really track down what exactly had happened during the Pegasuses Adventures a few centuries ago.

Suddenly the mare felt a sharp pain in her chest, she took a deep breath and gave a calm smile to her daughter. "Now dear, I want you to promise me that you will achieve your dream, that you'll keep chasing after it no matter what."

Twisted gave a wide smile and went through the motions of a trickster's promise, placing her hoof over her eye. "Of course!"

Her mother gave a smile, pushing Twisted towards the door. "Then you should probably get to practising, you can't become an adventurer if you don't train."

"Yeah!" The filly excitedly runs out of the room, and it's only then that the mare lets herself push the button to call a nurse.

I'm sorry dear. She thinks as she's quickly pulled out of the room. I don't think I'll be here to hear about your adventures.

---

Twisted ran into the house laughing, she had spent most of the afternoon playing with her friends and practising her new found map making skills. As she ran into kitchen she saw her dad sitting at the table with a dour expression on his face. A phone sitting beside him where it just been put down.

Twisting paths would never see her mother again.

Comments

[Nitro Indigo]

There are a lot of errors in this.

A young pink Unicorn foal ran exciting through a hospital hallway.

*excitedly. Also, after you say her name is Twisted Paths, you call her "Twisting" in the next sentence.

The mare laying on the bed looked over with a slight smile, her mane looked as though it had once been the same shade as her daughters, but it had taking on a much duller tint, her coat appeared to have once been a much darker blue but was similarly faded and spotty. "Is that so?" Despite her sickly appearance her voice was just as energetic and proud as you would expect of a parent hearing such a thing.

Every part I underlined is a dominant clause. They should be separated with full stops/periods or semicolons.

I like how you show instead of telling, though, and the choreographer/cartographer mixup was cute. I thought this fanfic would be about a pony who became a dancer before I read it, for some reason.

[guldringr]

10311671
Oh semicolons, my arch nemesis.
Thank you for the compliment on showing not telling, and overall I feel like the name might have been fairly weak.... and if I had had longer to work on this it might have ended up being about a dancer