• Member Since 25th May, 2016
  • offline last seen Yesterday


"Show my head to the people, it is worth seeing." - Georges Danton


Ladyhood is a concept that Rarity knows well, so there's no better pony to teach Sweetie Belle the ropes when she comes of age.

Though, Sweetie had no idea that adulthood would be so scandalous.

Proofread by RoMS, the only rational member of my polycule.

Cover Art was done by LA-ndy, so many thanks to him for allowing me to use this piece. You should really give him a follow on Twitter.

This was written for a Quills & Sofas event.

Holy smokes, this got a live reading by StraightToThePointStudio, that's kind of POG.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 39 )

This was great! The escalation in Rarity's advice was handled perfectly. Rarity really is a good older sister.

Rarity laughed. “Sweetie, etiquette doesn’t care about pigmentation.” She sighed, shaking her head as if that was the most evident point in the world. “Anyways, let’s talk about meeting a Princess. And no, I’m not just talking about the fuckable ones.”

That's ALL of them though.

Rarity is such a poseur that she does not know that a viscount is hardly even proper nobility, let alone high-ranking nobility.

Fluury Heart! Flurry Heart! It'sss awwww-rightttt.


You know, that's fair. Though I suppose once she's 18...

:twilightoops: Spike! Is that blood?
:moustache: Oh yes totally! I got snagged on a nail....Jumping over a fence.... Yea that's the ticket.
:unsuresweetie: And that's why I keep seeing Spike taking nose dives out your second story window
:raritystarry: Sweetie Belle ! Remember you're now a lady!
:unsuresweetie: Does that mean I get to bang Spike too?
:facehoof: Your blood smells like Raritys lip stick.....
:unsuresweetie: I knew when your breath smelled like a forest fire in the Everfree and your sheets are ripped to ribbons
:unsuresweetie: And your hickey looks just like mine....
:ajbemused: Alright what happened to all my riding gear?

Bruh. What the hell is wrong with Rarity LMAO

Rarity is just living her best life.

This needs to be a series for the crusaders. Like really. Please do, it has such potential!

O boy. That was fun

Can we have some more in depth analysis regards the princesses please :trixieshiftright:


For...research purposes of course...and asking for a friend...:trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright:

Poor, traumatized Sweetie Belle! This was hilarious. :unsuresweetie::duck:

Well. That certainly got off to a quick start. Poor Sweetie...

I'm surprised you didn't have Rarity teach Sweetie about body disposal etiquette. How else is Sweetie supposed to know how to stash a contact's victim, or know to freeze the body first so that the ligaments don't clog the wood chipper?

The funny thing is that this story was actually originally planned to be a Rarity and Sweetie Belle focused sequel to Sous Vide. So yeah, you very nearly got that story XD.

Cursed story tags and a red rating? Definitely gonna read that at some point.

“Anyways, let’s talk about meeting a Princess. And no, I’m not just talking about the fuckable ones.”

Okay, so I can guarantee she's fucked Twilight, probably Cadence, too, and I'm certain she could convince Luna into a roll in the hay, but did she bang Celestia?

Wood chipper leaves DNA all over the place, in hard to clean areas, even with freezing. Freezing's good, though. Makes it harder to determine time of death.


Maybe a Scoots and Rainbow Dash entry ("never pass up a co-ed locker room kid.")

But Applejack? She's just a dreary agriculturalist.

You underestimate how much the farm girl could be using southern words and synonyms to confuse her and make Applebloom super confused on what she really means. That or be super blunt about it and tell her to just outright ask for it when she gets an itch just like she does.

Rarity has been trying desperately to bag Celestia for years. Consider all the kisses she slobbered onto Celestia's hooves while they were in her guest bedroom. Unfortunately for her, Sunbutt ain't playing that game.

I figure that Applejack would just count on Apple Bloom seeing the pigs and sheep doing it in their pens while going about her chores. Then Apple Bloom would figure out the rest from there, possibly with the help of said pigs and sheep. That's how sex ed gets done on the farm.

I don't know. I am no expert, but Rarity's life lessons seem like they may be a lot more valuable to a debutant than "just say no" and "save it for marriage" would be.

It leaves their dna all over the place, sure. But as long as you don't throw yourself in with them, it doesn't leave your dna, which is what you're worried about. It's not like you're running them through your own woodchipper, after all.

Oh right, my mistake. Clearly I am out of practice.

Moral of the story: Everything you learn about life as a kids is a lie.

This is actually on point ^.^

My god the way you made this story progress with Rarity's lessons towards Sweetie Belle was more than perfectly executed! This was an all out masterpiece! Awesome work mang! Hope ya didn't mind, but I made a little reading on this beautiful story!

Audio Linkey!: https://youtu.be/dIrTooIEtng

(I don't mean to offend anyone with this comment in any way!)

Oh wow, thank you so much. i can't wait to hear it when it goes live!

So, I wound up not really voting on this one. It started off pretty funny, having Rarity offer unexpected advice after dining etiquette, and Sweetie's reactions played off of Rarity really nicely and I was eager to see how that rhythm kept going. But it only took a few lines for it to really turn into being horrifying and really unenjoyable. I didn't feel like I was reading about Rarity and Sweetie Belle having character-centric comedy anymore, I just felt like the story was heading into shock value realm for the sake of it.

By the end of the story, I could settle on how I felt Rarity was portrayed other than being out of character. She actively encourages Sweetie Belle to sabotage the relationships of other ponies and play a part in ruining their love lives, as opposed to something more like "Don't worry darling we all have wild and fun youths, I'm sure you will too!" which would still have plenty of comedy potential for a character path. However, Rarity doesn't do that. Her language and attitude make it clear she is encouraging her young sister to actively be a "homewrecker" and hurt other ponies, which is incredibly malevolent and petty for Rarity to do. She is also telling her young sister (who is at least the age of consent) that it is perfectly okay for her to do something like that while pushing Sweetie Belle (who is still a teenager here) to get involved with what sound like much older, well-established, and mature adults as often as she pleases, without care, and purely for the sake of drama. That comes across as pretty rape-y and damaging to Sweetie Belle in really unfunny ways; "Hey still-somewhat-kid-sister of mine, please go have wild, drug-filled sexual exploits with ponies who are older than your not entirely legal ass without a care in the world!"

Despite that, there are some clever bits buried in here. The part about how weird it is for white unicorns to do cocaine and the logistics of that would normally be something I laughed at. I really wanted to like this story and the premise itself was fun, but this doesn't even fit into the category of comedy where everyone is supposed to be cartoonishly terrible, or at least that isn't the impression I got. Instead, I read a story where Rarity is precise about giving cruel advice to Sweetie Belle, and both appear totally on board with that advice, with the latter's reaction mostly being "Wow that's really forward f you but I guess if my subversive big sis does it, everything is just harmless hedonistic fun" and it just left me wanting something different that didn't feel like everything Rarity isn't being put on display.

That you casually drop you’re poly in the story description reminds me of the following section from ROBCakeran53 and I’s collab:

Yooooo, ain’t that Shim Sham and Glim Glam?” Trampo exclaimed.

“OH MAN, THE BIGGEST LESBO HORSES, besides those other two, the mint unicorn and secret spie fetish one.”

“I do want to note,” added Super, “That either these sapphic sweethearts are either cheating on Sci Twi and Trixie, or in an open relationship or polyamorous like I am.” It is a known fact that all polyamorous twenty-somethings are required by law to casually mention that they are polyamorous at least three times per week. Or something. There’s probably a “Hard Times” article about it.

You need to scrape the rust off. Make a few undesirables disappear and you'll be back in the swing of things in no time!

Rarity chuckled. “Well, I wouldn’t go that far, but you are definitely old enough to be a lady.” She sighed, waving her hoof. “And, well, since our mother isn’t really around, I suppose that it falls to me to teach you the lessons of ladyhood.”

And with this moment here I think it would be a good idea to add an alternate universe tag because Cookie Crumbles in the show is definitely not a lady, Cookie Crumbles is the....... "generic every wife" for lack of a better term. More or less the more relatable everyday woman you'd meet.

Personally, I would describe it as a form of the The Aristocrats joke.

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