• Published 20th Jun 2020
  • 2,779 Views, 39 Comments

Learning to be a Lady - garatheauthor



Rarity imparts some important lessons on adulthood for Sweetie Belle's 16th birthday. Things devolve quickly.

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Learning to be a Lady

Rarity sat across from Sweetie Belle, resting a hoof against her tea cup.

“So,” she began, “you turned sixteen yesterday.”

“Officially an adult!” Sweetie beamed.

Rarity chuckled. “Well, I wouldn’t go that far, but you are definitely old enough to be a lady.” She sighed, waving her hoof. “And, well, since our mother isn’t really around, I suppose that it falls to me to teach you the lessons of ladyhood.”

“Oh?” Sweetie asked. “And what type of stuff do I need to learn about?”

Rarity smirked. “First off, a lady must learn how to properly hold their tea in a respectable manner for social engagements.”

Her magical aura formed around the cup, lifting it off of the table.

“Now, when drinking tea,” Rarity explained, “It’s important that you lift both the cup and saucer at the same time.” She did just that, holding them afloat in front of her. “And when you desire a sip, you must remove the cup from the saucer and do so.”

She demonstrated, lifting the cup from the saucer and taking a petite sip, before gently placing them both on the table.

“There is plenty of tea etiquette to learn,” Rarity went on, motioning towards a nearby jar of sugar cubes. “For example, two sugar cubes is proper, any more and you risk being uncouth. And don’t even get me started on the proper amount of milk or cream.” She chuckled. “It’s still a hotly debated topic.”

Sweetie deadpanned. “Really, is this all I have to look forward to for the rest of my life?”

Rarity forced a tight smile. “Essentially, yes, now here is an important demonstration on royal titles.” She held a hoof to her chest. “Trust me when I say that there is hardly a more important lesson that we’ll be discussing this afternoon.”

She used her magic to reach into a nearby cabinet, retrieving a pad of paper.

“A duke is above an earl,” Rarity explained, drawing up a diagram. “Though a viscount or prince outrank both of those officials. It is vitally important that you greet higher ranking members of the nobility first as that is a sign of respect.”

Sweetie Belle sighed. “Yeah, this is going to be super useful for all those banquets I’m never going to go to.”

“Don’t be silly dear,” Rarity stated, smirking as she took a sip of tea in a ladylike manner. “You are my sister and you’re destined for greatness.”

“Mhm.” Sweetie frowned and looked at her cup. “You do know that I’m not just going to be another you, right?”

Rarity snorted. “Don’t be ridiculous dear, of course you’re going to be another me.” She cleared her throat before Sweetie could protest. “Now, I think it is a good idea to teach you how to properly handle mornings after social engagements. The most important thing to remember is that a pair of sunglasses does wonders at concealing a hangover.”

Sweetie’s eyes widened. “Wait, what?”

Rarity smirked, waving a hoof in front of her eyes. “It’s the sunlight, dear, block that out and it's smooth sailing. Now the best remedy for a hangover, in the long term, is a large cup of black coffee and a fatty breakfast, though only order room service. No lady wants to be seen in public wolfing down five eggs and half an English Muffin like some sort of barbaric agriculturalist.” She frowned. “Though, we of course need to discuss the various strategies for getting rid of your one-night stands before we do that.”

“One-night stands!” Sweetie blurted out; her attention now utterly focused on Rarity.

Rarity rolled her eyes. “I mean it’s hardly a proper social outing if you return to your hotel room alone.” She sighed. “Now, what you should do is make up an excuse about having to prepare for a business meeting. I found that this usually works. If they want to meet you at a later date, simply provide them with an alias and some fake contact information. Oh and…” She smirked devilishly, “if you can get away with it, make sure to leave a little love bite or lipstick behind. It’s always fun being the black widow in the narrative of Canterlot infidelity.”

“That’s…” Sweetie shook her head, seeming totally flabbergasted. “That’s honestly kind of a terrible thing to do Rarity. Like that’s legitimately evil.”

Rarity threw up a hoof. “Nonsense, it’s all fun and games, dear.” She shook her head slowly. “No one in Canterlot actually believes in monogamy anymore. Let’s not be ridiculous.” She ended that point by taking another sip of tea. “Now, are you interested in mares or stallions, Sweetie?”

Sweetie bit her lip. “Well, I guess… I guess both? Why, is that important?”

“See!” Rarity exclaimed. “You really are my perfect little clone. Two proud bisexual homewreckers against the world. Anyways…” She grinned, “when aiming for mares you generally want to look towards the service staff or security of your host. High society mares are rather poor partners in the bedroom, but if you manage to find a bull dyke working security or an especially thicc waitress...” Rarity shivered. “Then you are in for a good time.”

Sweetie winced. “I’m actually dating Apple Bloom and don’t really...”

“Oh, wonderful!” Rarity grinned nice and wide. “Then you are already following this piece of advice before it's even necessary. Trust me, the Apple Family is very adept at their strap game and you have invested your time wisely in this regard.”

“I didn’t need to know that,” Sweetie whispered.

“I’m sorry, dear,” Rarity said, “but you really must learn the proper etiquette to be a lady.” She hummed to herself. “What else, what else is there to talk about? Oh! Lipstick!”

“Lipstick?” Sweetie asked, cocking a brow.

“Lipstick is the most important part of a lady’s wardrobe and it is vitally important for setting the mood for your evening’s soirée. For example, you want to wear something muted for somber events, something vibrant for social events, and something cheap for date nights with stallions.”

“I’m going to regret this…” Sweetie said, sighing with the weight of a thousand bad decisions. “But why do stallions like cheap lipstick?”

“Well, they like a lipstick that can smear because it leaves a ring around their…” She frowned, glancing at her tea. “Actually, I’ll tell you about that when you turn eighteen. Can’t be too crass with a teenager, can I?”

“I think we’re well past the point of being crass,” Sweetie Belle grumbled.

Rarity nodded and pursed her lips, obviously mulling over what to discuss next.

“Now,” she continued. “I think it’s best that we talk about drugs.”

Sweetie Belle nodded, smiling as she knew these rules well. And when she spoke, she did so with practiced ease. “I shouldn’t do them because they are bad for me. I know, I know.”

Rarity laughed a dainty laugh, shaking her head as she spoke. “Sweetie. Sweetie. Sweetie. Please don’t fall for such bold-faced lies. Drugs are an important part of any high society function and vastly important when it comes to the art of networking.”

“Wah… what?”

“Indeed.” Rarity smiled. “For sure, you will likely find a little grass going around and it's fine to take a puff every now and then. Though, do remember that it is fashionable to get stoned but to be a stoner is the death of your social life. Forever. No one wants to network with an addict, dear. And even with a former one. But what you really need to concern yourself with is, of course, cocaine.”

“C–cocaine?” Sweetie stammered.

“Yes, darling, it is by far the most popular drug in Canterlot. I don’t think I’ve ever attended a gala or function that didn’t have some.” Rarity let out a content little noise. “Fancy really does provide some of the best stuff, straight from the source.” She smiled fondly before looking at Sweetie. “Now it’s important that you only snort your share, no one likes a hog. Do your line and enjoy the buzz.” She then beamed. “Oh! And make sure that you leave a little dusting on the tip of your snout. It gives you a certain…” She rolled her hoof, “je ne sais quoi, if you would.”

“Isn’t cocaine white?” Sweetie asked.

Rarity cocked a brow. “Yes?”

“And aren’t we white?”

“What are you getting at dear?” Rarity asked.

“Then what’s the point!” Sweetie exclaimed. “It’s just going to blend in.”

Rarity laughed. “Sweetie, etiquette doesn’t care about pigmentation.” She sighed, shaking her head as if that was the most evident point in the world. “Anyways, let’s talk about meeting a Princess. And no, I’m not just talking about the fuckable ones.”

Comments ( 38 )

This was great! The escalation in Rarity's advice was handled perfectly. Rarity really is a good older sister.

Rarity laughed. “Sweetie, etiquette doesn’t care about pigmentation.” She sighed, shaking her head as if that was the most evident point in the world. “Anyways, let’s talk about meeting a Princess. And no, I’m not just talking about the fuckable ones.”

That's ALL of them though.

Rarity is such a poseur that she does not know that a viscount is hardly even proper nobility, let alone high-ranking nobility.

10294314
Fluury Heart! Flurry Heart! It'sss awwww-rightttt.

10294420

You know, that's fair. Though I suppose once she's 18...

:twilightoops: Spike! Is that blood?
:moustache: Oh yes totally! I got snagged on a nail....Jumping over a fence.... Yea that's the ticket.
:unsuresweetie: And that's why I keep seeing Spike taking nose dives out your second story window
:raritystarry: Sweetie Belle ! Remember you're now a lady!
:unsuresweetie: Does that mean I get to bang Spike too?
:facehoof: Your blood smells like Raritys lip stick.....
:unsuresweetie: I knew when your breath smelled like a forest fire in the Everfree and your sheets are ripped to ribbons
:raritycry:
:unsuresweetie: And your hickey looks just like mine....
:ajbemused: Alright what happened to all my riding gear?
:unsuresweetie::scootangel::applecry:

Bruh. What the hell is wrong with Rarity LMAO

10294596
Rarity is just living her best life.

This needs to be a series for the crusaders. Like really. Please do, it has such potential!

O boy. That was fun

Can we have some more in depth analysis regards the princesses please :trixieshiftright:

10295220

For...research purposes of course...and asking for a friend...:trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright:

Poor, traumatized Sweetie Belle! This was hilarious. :unsuresweetie::duck:

Well. That certainly got off to a quick start. Poor Sweetie...

I'm surprised you didn't have Rarity teach Sweetie about body disposal etiquette. How else is Sweetie supposed to know how to stash a contact's victim, or know to freeze the body first so that the ligaments don't clog the wood chipper?

10295623
The funny thing is that this story was actually originally planned to be a Rarity and Sweetie Belle focused sequel to Sous Vide. So yeah, you very nearly got that story XD.

10295634
Cursed story tags and a red rating? Definitely gonna read that at some point.

“Anyways, let’s talk about meeting a Princess. And no, I’m not just talking about the fuckable ones.”

Okay, so I can guarantee she's fucked Twilight, probably Cadence, too, and I'm certain she could convince Luna into a roll in the hay, but did she bang Celestia?

10295623
Wood chipper leaves DNA all over the place, in hard to clean areas, even with freezing. Freezing's good, though. Makes it harder to determine time of death.

10295134
Eh?

Maybe a Scoots and Rainbow Dash entry ("never pass up a co-ed locker room kid.")

But Applejack? She's just a dreary agriculturalist.

10295978
You underestimate how much the farm girl could be using southern words and synonyms to confuse her and make Applebloom super confused on what she really means. That or be super blunt about it and tell her to just outright ask for it when she gets an itch just like she does.

10295723
Rarity has been trying desperately to bag Celestia for years. Consider all the kisses she slobbered onto Celestia's hooves while they were in her guest bedroom. Unfortunately for her, Sunbutt ain't playing that game.

10295985
I figure that Applejack would just count on Apple Bloom seeing the pigs and sheep doing it in their pens while going about her chores. Then Apple Bloom would figure out the rest from there, possibly with the help of said pigs and sheep. That's how sex ed gets done on the farm.

10295595
I don't know. I am no expert, but Rarity's life lessons seem like they may be a lot more valuable to a debutant than "just say no" and "save it for marriage" would be.

10295842
It leaves their dna all over the place, sure. But as long as you don't throw yourself in with them, it doesn't leave your dna, which is what you're worried about. It's not like you're running them through your own woodchipper, after all.

10296196
Oh right, my mistake. Clearly I am out of practice.

Moral of the story: Everything you learn about life as a kids is a lie.

This is actually on point ^.^

My god the way you made this story progress with Rarity's lessons towards Sweetie Belle was more than perfectly executed! This was an all out masterpiece! Awesome work mang! Hope ya didn't mind, but I made a little reading on this beautiful story!

Audio Linkey!: https://youtu.be/dIrTooIEtng

(I don't mean to offend anyone with this comment in any way!)

10297128
Oh wow, thank you so much. i can't wait to hear it when it goes live!

So, I wound up not really voting on this one. It started off pretty funny, having Rarity offer unexpected advice after dining etiquette, and Sweetie's reactions played off of Rarity really nicely and I was eager to see how that rhythm kept going. But it only took a few lines for it to really turn into being horrifying and really unenjoyable. I didn't feel like I was reading about Rarity and Sweetie Belle having character-centric comedy anymore, I just felt like the story was heading into shock value realm for the sake of it.

By the end of the story, I could settle on how I felt Rarity was portrayed other than being out of character. She actively encourages Sweetie Belle to sabotage the relationships of other ponies and play a part in ruining their love lives, as opposed to something more like "Don't worry darling we all have wild and fun youths, I'm sure you will too!" which would still have plenty of comedy potential for a character path. However, Rarity doesn't do that. Her language and attitude make it clear she is encouraging her young sister to actively be a "homewrecker" and hurt other ponies, which is incredibly malevolent and petty for Rarity to do. She is also telling her young sister (who is at least the age of consent) that it is perfectly okay for her to do something like that while pushing Sweetie Belle (who is still a teenager here) to get involved with what sound like much older, well-established, and mature adults as often as she pleases, without care, and purely for the sake of drama. That comes across as pretty rape-y and damaging to Sweetie Belle in really unfunny ways; "Hey still-somewhat-kid-sister of mine, please go have wild, drug-filled sexual exploits with ponies who are older than your not entirely legal ass without a care in the world!"

Despite that, there are some clever bits buried in here. The part about how weird it is for white unicorns to do cocaine and the logistics of that would normally be something I laughed at. I really wanted to like this story and the premise itself was fun, but this doesn't even fit into the category of comedy where everyone is supposed to be cartoonishly terrible, or at least that isn't the impression I got. Instead, I read a story where Rarity is precise about giving cruel advice to Sweetie Belle, and both appear totally on board with that advice, with the latter's reaction mostly being "Wow that's really forward f you but I guess if my subversive big sis does it, everything is just harmless hedonistic fun" and it just left me wanting something different that didn't feel like everything Rarity isn't being put on display.

That you casually drop you’re poly in the story description reminds me of the following section from ROBCakeran53 and I’s collab:

Yooooo, ain’t that Shim Sham and Glim Glam?” Trampo exclaimed.

“OH MAN, THE BIGGEST LESBO HORSES, besides those other two, the mint unicorn and secret spie fetish one.”

“I do want to note,” added Super, “That either these sapphic sweethearts are either cheating on Sci Twi and Trixie, or in an open relationship or polyamorous like I am.” It is a known fact that all polyamorous twenty-somethings are required by law to casually mention that they are polyamorous at least three times per week. Or something. There’s probably a “Hard Times” article about it.

10296313
You need to scrape the rust off. Make a few undesirables disappear and you'll be back in the swing of things in no time!

Rarity chuckled. “Well, I wouldn’t go that far, but you are definitely old enough to be a lady.” She sighed, waving her hoof. “And, well, since our mother isn’t really around, I suppose that it falls to me to teach you the lessons of ladyhood.”

And with this moment here I think it would be a good idea to add an alternate universe tag because Cookie Crumbles in the show is definitely not a lady, Cookie Crumbles is the....... "generic every wife" for lack of a better term. More or less the more relatable everyday woman you'd meet.

10297433
Personally, I would describe it as a form of the The Aristocrats joke.

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