Beard

by mushroompone

Pinkie Pie

"Oh, you know me, Twilight," Pinkie said with an almost wistful sigh. "I am what I am. And what I am is a lesbian."

I snorted. "That's not what I asked."

"Is too!" Pinkie beamed. "That's how I see myself: a lesbian."

I squinted at her over my book.

Pinkie just kept on smiling. Eventually, she returned to her own reading.

She was an enigma. That we could all agree on.

Memories of hooking my friend into a massive vitals-measuring device, desperately trying to understand why she did the things she did… why she was the way she was… if I was honest, I still had a desire to get in there and poke around at Pinkie's mind. Just to see what made her tick.

But I was better than that, now. I knew better than to treat friends like a science experiment.

When Pinkie had stuff she wanted to say, she'd say it. Or she'd act on it, and I'd just trust that she knew what she was doing.

In my musings, I had scanned over a whole paragraph and gotten exactly nothing from it. I backtracked carefully, and re-read:

The practice of wearing a "royal beard" (often referred to as ktesios in Old Ponish) was born out of class disparity in pre-industrialized Equestria. For poor, working-class ponies, wearing a beard permanently was often a bothersome hindrance during manual labor; long beards had a habit of being caught in machinery, and therefore had to be trimmed. For those not working with machinery, the tending of a beard was an expensive endeavor-- more expensive than merely doing away with the beard entirely.

I sighed and put my book down again. "Pinkie…"

"Mm-hm…" Pinkie turned the page of her own book.

"Really," I said. "What do you see yourself as?"

Pinkie looked up slowly. She gazed at me with grave concern, as if worried some of my brain had leaked out of my ear. Or perhaps grow out of my chin.

"A lesbian," she said.

I grit my teeth. "No, but… if you had to describe yourself, you would say…?"

"Um…" Pinkie tapped her chin thoughtfully with one hoof. "Gay?"

"No!" I smacked my face with one hoof. "You! Just you! How would you describe yourself?"

Pinkie's jaw went slack. She looked up at the ceiling, allowing her eyes to run over the many roots which hung over the cutie map.

"Gee…" Pinkie mumbled. She tugged her mane down on either side of her head. "Uh… I dunno."

For a moment, my heart swelled. Finally, another pony who got it, who understood, who--

"I'm stumped! What's the answer?"

I put my face in my hooves. "It's not a quiz, Pinkie!"

She scoffed. "It sure feels like a quiz…"

"It's not!" I insisted.

The little glimmer of hope was snuffed out, and I melted down onto the table. It was cold and hard as ever, but somehow it felt comforting in its discomfort. Like the cool porcelain of the toilet bowl after you toss your cookies.

Pinkie mimicked my motion, resting her own chin on the table and staring back at me. "Is this about your beard?"

I sighed. "Yeah… I mean, no! I mean…" I rolled my head to one side, allowing my cheek to rest on the crystal. "I dunno."

"Well, I like it," Pinkie said.

"Thanks…"

"Does that help?"

I moaned softly. "No…"

"Oh. Darn."

"It's okay," I said. "I think I'm just… having a hard time understanding what everypony else has. Because I feel like I don't have it. Y'know?"

"Mm…" Pinkie's eyes rolled back up towards the ceiling. "I guess so."

"But I feel like everypony I talk to is also confused," I said. "I mean, Shining Armor seems to feel a lot like me! And Rainbow… Now you…"

Pinkie was quiet. She seemed to be digesting the information, as little as there was.

"So… you wanna know if I'm a mare?" Pinkie asked.

I sat up. "Um… I guess."

She giggled. "Well, why didn't you ask me that, silly?"

"I did!"

"No, you didn't!"

"I did, too!"

"No!" Pinkie shook her head. "You asked how I see myself. How I see myself is a lesbian! You didn't ask if I was a mare."

I blinked.

It occurred to me, for what was probably the first time, that some ponies just… weren't concerned with the gender in the least.

"Well… are you?" I asked softly.

It still felt wrong to ask.

"Sometimes!" Pinkie responded brightly. "But only when I'm a lesbian."

My mind ground to a halt.

I felt like the words were becoming this great big mass of letters, without much meaning or direction. It all seemed to contradict itself, or… or something…

"But…" I paused. "Um. Aren't you always a lesbian?"

Pinkie considered the question. "Well, I'm never not a lesbian. Sometimes I'm more lesbian than other times, though."

Oh, sweet Celestia.

"Like… which times?" I asked.

Pinkie heaved a sigh. "When I like another mare, or when I'm on a date with another mare, or when I kiss another mare, or--"

"I got it," I said quickly. "So… you're only a mare when you like another mare?"

Pinkie squinched up her face. "No…"

"So you're a mare other times?"

"No, I… I don't think I'm ever a mare mare…" She paused, then made a face like she was in pain. "Ugh, I've never really thought about it before…"

I put my face back down on the table. "I'm sorry. I guess my anxiety's catching."

Pinkie didn't respond. She was squinting slightly, staring at the wall on the other side of the room.

This happened to her sometimes. Pinkie was the type of pony who did a lot without thinking. I don't mean that in a bad way, of course; impulsiveness was something I sorely needed in a friend. But Pinkie had a tendency to go with her gut on things, and rarely did she question that.

Which was only fair. Her gut tended to be right.

But, given the right push, she would think things through. And, to her credit, she was very good at detangling her own thoughts.

Pinkie gasped. "Ooh! I know!"

I cocked my head. "Uh… you do?"

"It's just like reading!" Pinkie said cheerfully, rapping her hooves on the table.

"It… is?"

Pinkie nodded. "When I read a book, sometimes I think about what it would be like to write my own book. Do you ever think about that?"

I shrugged. "Sometimes, I guess."

"I don't really think about writing a book any other time. It's not important to me," Pinkie continued. "And I probably never would write a book, even when I get all inspired from reading. But… reading is the closest I get to writing. And it's fun to imagine, even if I don't really want to write a book."

I blinked.

Pinkie blinked back.

Wow.

"Does that help?" Pinkie asked, flicking her tail happily.

"Yeah," I said softly. "It does."

Pinkie gasped, a huge and comical sound. "Do you feel that way too?!"

I giggled. "No. I don't think so."

"Aw," Pinkie relaxed a little. "Well, that's okay. How do you feel?"

I smiled. "Better."

Author's Note:

[I'm not going to get into an argument re: nonbinary lesbian as an identity. The flag links to a brief video on the matter, if you want to learn more. This is a fanfiction, not an invitation to share your opinions on another person's identity. Comments looking for a fight or otherwise stoking the discourse fire will be deleted on sight, with no warning or response.]

Comments

[SigmasonicX]

Great chapter! And yeah, that feels like a pretty Pinkie way to view things.

[Ice Star]

Your a/n is broken, so you might want to fix that one there. I expected a conversation with Pinkie to be more out there, but here I feel like Twilight was set back. The dialogue was very Pinkie on, well, Pinkie's side. For Twilight, they just came across as... put off? Confused? I mean this in the sense that they don't have the language to describe what they wanted to ask. If Twilight was asking about sexual orientation or gender, it became very wishy-washy. There are clear time gaps happening here (measured in beard-growth no less! Clever!) but the progress to confidence in Twilight learning about being non-binary and finding the means to describe themselves is... slow and meandering. While this is realistic, as a reader I'm left on the fence. For example, you avoid binary pronouns for Twilight, suggesting that there is some they/them awaiting Twi. But each conversation ends with the same shade of uncertainty that puts everything but Twilight's beard back into square one.

I'm sure you have something planned, and I think I'd like to see more on this until I decide to shelve/vote on it.

[mushroompone]

10597570
Thanks so much for these comments!! It means so much to me that people are reading so closely and carefully

In all honesty, this is projection central. I am still exploring my own gender identity, and I'm using Twilight to do that in this fic. Each chapter is actually based on a person I know irl, with whom I've had lengthy discussions about gender and sexuality. Shining Armor is my closest friend from college, Rainbow Dash is an old bandmate, and Pinkie is my own younger sister! I'm slow with updating this because I write them in conjunction with people I know. In reality, these people also aren't totally sure of their identities-- I put flags in when they request them, and leave it open-ended otherwise.

While it's intended to be chronological, I genuinely don't know where it's headed! It's so intwined with my personal journey and identity, and I unfortunately have no idea who or what will affect that in the future. I am working on a chapter about Fluttershy with a friend of mine, but I'm not sure how long it will be before it's complete!

Thanks for taking an interest. This is one of those things that is so rooted in personal catharsis that I really didn't expect anyone to connect with it at the level you have. I really appreciate the time you took to write these replies; it means the world.

(Also, I will be fixing the Caddy/Cady slip up. I'm guessing autocorrect is to blame... )

[Ice Star]

10597971 The part in the third author's note is still broken, by the way.

Thanks so much for these comments!! It means so much to me that people are reading so closely and carefully

I've had a bunch of your stories on my RiL and multi-chapter trans fics are rare. I don't usually see a lot that has non-binary of FtM characters, so I try and pay attention just because of how rare they are.

In all honesty, this is projection central. I am still exploring my own gender identity, and I'm using Twilight to do that in this fic.

Your profile says that you're non-binary, so I wasn't sure if this was a) just a headcanon you had b) based on your experiences or c) an exploration. Now that you have clarified which it is, I do think a lot of the choices are explained. You're a very good writer, though as a reader these kinds of immensely personal stories can come across as unfocused without something more to ground them. You definitely have the personal side down, but I'd try to keep in mind the variety of different experiences you can create for the reader too. It really helps me bridge the gap between what I want my audience to glean about a character (especially for mature topics like gender) and how to give the character an authentic journey.

Each chapter is actually based on a person I know irl, with whom I've had lengthy discussions about gender and sexuality. Shining Armor is my closest friend from college, Rainbow Dash is an old bandmate, and Pinkie is my own younger sister! I'm slow with updating this because I write them in conjunction with people I know. In reality, these people also aren't totally sure of their identities-- I put flags in when they request them, and leave it open-ended otherwise.

I thought the flags were updates on how Twilight viewed themselves, admittedly, as well as exploring the possibility that their friends might also be queer. The open-endedness makes these interesting as a snippet collection because you're especially good at capturing that. For readers who weren't expecting an anthology-like story, this might feel like it veers more towards affirming fluff over an aspiration. (Not that there is anything bad with either of those genres!)

While it's intended to be chronological, I genuinely don't know where it's headed! It's so intwined with my personal journey and identity, and I unfortunately have no idea who or what will affect that in the future. I am working on a chapter about Fluttershy with a friend of mine, but I'm not sure how long it will be before it's complete!

This sounds super interesting! Oh, and one thing: I find that writing about a character I simply headcanon as trans first instead of being projection/comfort chracters/too close to home is a huge help. It gives me lots of room for practice and doesn't tie my first (as far as I know) foray into trans horses with something I feel like I would be tangled in. This can also help me write familiar subjects that I love (LGBT ponies) without triggering dysphoria from writing a situation that is messy to painfully close to home in some way.

Thanks for taking an interest. This is one of those things that is so rooted in personal catharsis that I really didn't expect anyone to connect with it at the level you have. I really appreciate the time you took to write these replies; it means the world.

No problem! I really like trans fics and you have a lot of interesting stuff that I've been meaning to get to. Seeing more stories like yours would be great! You have a lot of neat ideas going on here, and not just in the Pride and Positivity story. (It's also super cool that you entered the contest with a character who had a specifically personal trans headcanon to you! I'm glad I wasn't the only one!)

[cassettepunk]

I just wanted to say that I really like this piece and i think about the Pinkie chapter a lot

I'm still figuring out my gender stuff in a way and I think about how you've written Pinkie's thoughts on stuff and im just like "oh wow yea that makes a lotta sense." So i guess im just saying thanks for writing something really cool and have a good day!!

[MerryGold]

not gonna lie, I know you were going for a non binary angle from that but I got more of a Demigirl or Genderfae type of vibe off of pinkie this chapter. It's mostly stemming from the whole not feeling like a mare until she gets hit with gosh mares are pretty.

For those not in the know, and from my own limited understanding Genderfae is a type of gender fluidity where the person shifts from demi-girl, agender, or non-binary into woman or femme and back.

While a Demigirl identifies with the feminine but does not identify as a woman.

[mushroompone]

10907341
You're right! I agree, I think Pinkie's experience probably lands her in something like demigirl, genderfluid, or genderfae. There's a lot of details in this chapter to tease apart, and I'm glad you were analytical and picked up on some of the more subtle ones ^^ that's always a good feeling!

It's important to remember, though, that "nonbinary" is an umbrella. I think, especially lately, the phrase "nonbinary" equates to "completely androgynous third gender". All of the things you've mentioned, though, are under the nonbinary umbrella! A nonbinary lesbian may identify as a demigirl, genderfluid, or genderfae... But also as bigender, trigender, pangender, agender, any number of xenogenders, or as purely "nonbinary" without any specificity.

My favorite part about writing this story is that I get to really express the lawlessness of gender identity. It's such a personal thing and, even under the same label, people's experiences differ so much. If labels expressed everything perfectly, there would be no need to write a story like this ^^ perhaps Pinkie has more to her story, and she'll focus in on a smaller label-- but I have a feeling that Pinkie would be content knowing herself, without needing to find a label that explains it perfectly to others.

[Oneiro]

This is very good.

[Lurks-no-More]

Got to say that Twi's totally rocking that beard!

[Botched Lobotomy]

Aww, this was some good fic. Sorta sits on this quite fluffy/slice of life line, talking about these ideas without ever coming across as too didactic. Also that headcanon about beards and unicorns is just super interesting.
Gotta love ponies exploring they gender.