Black and red. Merely the sight of the two accursed colors together on the coat of a pony invokes fear in even the bravest of souls. However, one stallion, fearful for the safety of Equestria, boldly stood up against an army of all powerful, unholy creatures. Follow Shining Armor and his poorly constructed, banana bread toting companion, Quicksilver, as they journey into the deepest depths of Tartarus to defeat the black and red menace.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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My first attempt at a comedy. While it isn't much, I hope you enjoy the story.
PS: I am in dire need of a editor, so if anyone is interested, please pm me.
PSS: Yes, Shining Armor is acting OOC.
PSSS: Yes, the name of the story is very misleading.
THE COLORS! NO PLEASE NOT THE COLORS! THE HORROR! THE HORROR!
Just kidding, good luck with the history mate! The concept is already funny to think of!
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The history isn't going to be a problem; I assure you that, however, finding a way to turn Shining Armor into a black and red alicorn OC without having the reader throw up in disgust is a whole other problem.
1406828 That will be a real challenge!
My opnion: Turn him slowly, like a zombie virus. That way the shock will be smaller.
Uhm, not sure what to tell you. This didn't cause me to laugh, it felt like it lacked the realistic element of comedy, and without that it feels...forced? Not sure how to put it, but as soon as they say "I thought it was a picnic" I wanted to facepalm myself. Not out of hate, but because of that soldiers stupidity, thought "This is our target, this is the one idiot to rule them all"
Then the others lifted their hooves and I just thought, uhh, ok...nevermind. Then as it continued, it began to fall apart. If you're attempting to make an entire army seem dumb, then you really shouldn't attempt to put any seriousness in the story. If you're doing "Silly for the sake of silly" like I consider some of the works of Monty Python, then you must make it so then you have to carry the tone of "Silly seriousness".
Meaning the character is serious, but his/her version of serious is still comedic, if not from the situation itself, then from their reaction to it. Shining is dead serious, everyone else is just brain-dead. This kind of comedy can work, but I don't feel the way you set it up works You said it's your first comedy fic, and it doesn't feel like you've discovered how to convey what makes you laugh. Or who knows, maybe this is just my taste in comedy talking.
While I'm not experienced with comedy, I do believe I understand what you're getting at. I did however, find it necessary to have Shining Armor take a more earnest turn. The seriousness attributed to Shining Armor is used to contrast the mood set by the oblivious soldier and the rest of the army. Unfortunately, I might have made Shining Armor a bit to serious, and everyone else a bit to oblivious.
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Gonna read this just because of Shining's companion's name...
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Don't screw it up. Lol.
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heshone.com/weblog/MealTickets/MrSparkle.jpg
Why am I Mr. Sparkle?
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Mr. Sparkle? I have no idea who you're referring to. As for the name Fiddlebottoms, I have no idea how I came up with that name.
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It's the episode of the Simpsons where Homer finds a box of Japanese soap that has his face on it and suffers an existential crisis.
"What's going on? Wha... why am I in an MLP Fanfic?"
Then it all turns out to be a meaningless coincidence.