• Member Since 28th Oct, 2019
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

Hemlock conium


Had I more time, I would have made a shorter description

T
Source

Phoenix, a college drop out with no motivation or drive beyond trying not live on the streets, is set to ship off for the military till a chance encounter changes his fate. When he is offered a way to restore his motivation by going to Equestria of all things he agrees believing it to be a nothing more than a joke. Upon opening his eyes he soon realizes that he truly is in Equestria but as a filly of all things.
Placed into a life he didn't want, hes forced to confront his own flaws learning what he never could on Earth.


Inspired by:
Anon3mous1 Greenhorne's Trust once Lost
Minalkra's Oh to be old again
and most substantially by AlexW Boopy Doopy's Mind over Matter

Chapters (19)
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Comments ( 128 )

interesting, not much happening just yet, but the writing is on the mark, so there is definitely providential here. From the description it sound like he was a rather average teen, thought I would like to know more on what his previous like was like for him before he arrived in Equestria and what made him want to go there in the first place. From the sound of it he seems to be a long time lurker on Fim so he is already well aware of the typical tropes of this kind of situation. from the tags it looks like we won't see anyone from the show cast so I will be looking forward to see what sort of world building you will go with this and who is going to take care of him from this point to adjust to equestrian life, I wonder if story will take a different direction from other similar stories. I hope he will have a goal to strive for, or a specific twist to it to set it apart, once he gets in contact with the first pony settlement he finds. Looking forward to the next chapter too.


Also if you are looking for a cover art for your story I am open for commissions, and you can PM if you want discus it further. The links to my DA gallery can be found in the link bellow.
https://www.deviantart.com/amalgamzaku

good luck

10285000
Chapter 2 and 3 do touch on Phoenix's reasons for switching. As for the art I already do have commission I've paid for, though its unfinished at the time of this posting, which is why its not up. Finally thank you for both reading and the offer. If you'd like to discuss the work further I'm active on discord and am more than willing to hear feed back and thoughts.

This story has a lot of potential - just needs a re-edit to fix some typos and some nice cover art.

Awaiting the next chapter eagerly.

Loving the new "human turned foal goes through the system" genre.

A bit early to judge, but there is potential.

It's amazing how many writers have been inspired by anon3mous lately.

10285810
HiE TF is great and I like to encorage that sort of thing.

Interesting this sounds like more of a prologue chapter, but it helps to give some context as to how he arrived there in the first place, I wonder if this issue will crop up again later on? Keep it up.

SRY

Interesting start here. I'm curious to see if you go with the "no one believes he used to be an adult" trope but at least he is making logical choices and trying to approach this in the most truthful way possible which doesn't happen all that much in may stories. I really liked the line:

Your Mind is the only tool you have right now. So use it!

This seems to be something which sort of gets ignored in other stories and should give him an edge, the thinking patterns and knowledge base of an adult is much different from that of a foal. I appreciate when the characters do things that seem reasonable and the story is not lead by excessive passing around of the idiot ball.

It didn't see it mentioned but he should have some idea time wise where he is pre/post NM by what the moon looked like. I would assume as he didn't say anything about seeing the "Mare in the Moon" that it is post first episode.

10315828
I appreciate the feedback and that's what I was aiming for; glad its working out. As for if no one believes him, you'll have to wait and see on that. In any case of having a time frame to work with. That's why he makes the off handed comment

God knows if this world is anything actually like the show

. Phoenix realizes its possibly to be post N.M, but having so littlie information right now, there's no way to tell if this is even the same Equestria he watched on the show. Spoilers: It is

Well contact has been made now and we are still trying to establish what is the time frame of the show. looking forward to the next chapter keep it up.

fun chapter, keep up the good work.

oh things are getting juicy now in the interaction, now I am hoping that they will try ti brain fuck him/her.

If I were in his position and had information from the show, I’d try to use some that either wasn’t common (public) knowledge, or shouldn’t be known by anyone save a small group of people or fewer, especially something that those who had experienced it wouldn’t have shared with others, which would then be circulated, then challenge that it would be a fallacy to conclude that something is untrue or made up without first checking the validity of it, just because it seems unbelievable.

If it were pre-Nightmare Moon, for example, I’d try saying that Celestia has a sister, named Luna, since not even Twilight knew that, and throw out some details about events in the distant past: like Discord sitting on a throne on a hill, with the ground checkered, eating seeds from a pouch and removing Celestia’s tail before being taken care of with the elements of harmony. Speaking of the elements of harmony, Twilight hardly knew about those as well, and I’m guessing that everyone short of Celestia and Luna would be ignorant of the tree, so there’s another avenue of approach, depending on whether it’s before Nightmare Moon’s return or the return of the elements to the tree.

But it’s not me, and it’s likely the story is going to go in a direction that requires the protagonist to not be believed, so... :derpytongue2:

10364854
Stories are fueled through conflicts. Luke Skywalker cleaning the farms toolshed can only take a story so far. It isn't until you start having storm troopers stomping around that the story really takes flight.

While it is nice for the characters to do the common sense thing and run to the police station, the horror movie is much more fun (and Longer) when the character runs up-stares. Even though we all sit there, yelling at the screen. "Oh come on!, Who runs up stares?! Really?"

The hard part as an Author is finding the right balance of character behavior and situational conflict so that the story has good momentum, and that your not stuck with completely oblivious or mentally dense characters.

As for this Author, Hemlock seems to be doing Ok so far.

Im rather liking the story.

The Monk
“If you can't awe them with knowledge, baffle 'em with bullshit.” -Guardsman_Sparky

10369150
Not all stories are fueled by conflict, but — more relevantly — that wasn’t what my overall comment was concerned about. In fact, my final paragraph is a general reference that includes the possibility of conflict moving the story in a desired direction. That’s why I approached the situation with what I would do, rather than asserting what the character should do. Because, not only is our protagonist familiar with the show, but it’s their favorite show, so while it’ll fray some of the line suspending my disbelief if they can’t think of a single thing from the show — of many — that could lead to his predicament being believed, I understand why that is unlikely to happen.

10399286
I tried to keep this on a bi-weekly update but this current chapter has been an absolute nightmare to write. I've revised it a few times but im still unsatisfied with it. I appologize for the long wait but I am still working on it and plan to have it posted.

10400584
Im still working on it. Unfortunately I've just been left unsatisfied with it, so its still a work in progress. I apologize for the delay, but I still fully plan on posting it and finishing this story.

I'm a little confused was he a human or not.
should there be a human tag

Comment posted by Hemlock conium deleted Oct 14th, 2020

Are you the one who made the cover art?

10479345
I knew they looked similar!

Anyways, glad to see you're back.

No There's something definitely wrong here

Hmmmm.... Princess Luna intruding in on the dream and primal instincts of being watched, maybe?

10481447
So I wont say if your right or wrong here, because something I love about art, such as writing, is seeing peoples interpretations and how they think a story may go. Death of the author and all that jazz, but if you do wont to know my actual thought process/ intent here, here you go(don't read ahead if you'd prefer to keep your own interpretations) This story is in a lot of ways based off my own struggles with things like apathy and being lost in life, shocker who would have guessed art imitates life. In any case the voice is the internal nagging, that at least in my case as I cant speak for others experiences, was the one I always felt. Telling me that something was just off in how I lived my day to day life. Like I never was really living but rather just going through each day like clock work. Days and events always just kind of blurred together like they are for Phoenix(such as weeks passing by without elaboration, being unable to tell dream from reality). While I never really had an outside reference to know something was wrong here something in the back of my mind always nagged at me (just as it is for Phoenix). Telling me there was more to life than simply just "existing." Though I had no idea what. In the case of Phoenix they've fallen into this trap of general apathy in order to evade the misery/problems of their life/current situation. Under the dangerous mind set of: "After all can't be hurt if you just numb out the pain." This in turn leads to a really miserable unfulfilling life, where nothing seems right but you cant place your finger on what's exactly out of place. In this case it's Phoenix living a life for himself in which he will never find that meaning and drive he's looking for. Instead he's going to have to learn to lean on others as well as live life for those around him. Tl;dr: putting this in a simpler way that borders on pretentious, the thing telling him something is wrong is himself. Knowing that the dream/delusion he's living is a trap. One that threatens to consume and destroy him if he lets it. But he's yet to reach a place where he realizes that on a conscious level. Nor does he know why yet. The entire chapter is a set up for 1.reenforcing the fact somethings wrong/ that this is a dangerous mind set that will offten make one drown out the obvious answer and help they need. 2. being a foreshadowing/metaphor to what he's going to need to over come this. If you read this hopefully that clears up my vison for this story. I know my explanation is a bit clunky but I've been up some odd 28ish hours right now as I right this. So if you'd like further elaboration tell me and ill get back to you after I've had sleep.

For all I knew, that crazy man who offered up “Equestria” simply drugged me and I was still in a fever dream.

I had to act like it, I reminded myself, (——it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but I took a inhale of air and stood up.

Every attempt was better than the last, every falter was shorter than the last, every step further than the one before. Progress! I practically jumped in joy only stopping myself on account that I’d probably just eat it again.(——

The realization quickened my pace towards it.

What I saw threw me was in a loop.

10432692
So I was looking back and saw how poorly conveyed my thoughts were in my first draft. So here's a second one that would better illustrate what I was trying to say.
He was human yes, but the focus is less the fact the fact a human (at least in a meta sense) so I felt adding human tag would be improper since that's not my goal/objective with this story. That's simply the pretense that puts him in this situation. I think a good way of putting this is say, your watching a movie. In the first scene a bomb goes off and it cripples the main character. The rest of the story focuses then on the character coping with their new disabilities. While yes there is a bomb in the story, you would hardly say the story is about a bomb. As that was simply a way of getting to the heart of the matter the director truly wished to explore. This is ultimately why I have rejected the tag. While yes Phoenix WAS human, that isn't what I want the reader thinking of when they read. I don't want the focus to be on his prior existence, but rather the here and now, and the struggles he deals with(even if admittedly some of those struggles are an indirect result of formerly being human).
Hopefully this clears up your question, if you have any further inquires fill free to ask, and Ill happily get to it when I can. Having said that, thanks for reading and have a good one.

My eyes widened as fear gripped my heart.

open his briefcase as he rummaged through it.

“All you must do is give me confirmation via signature then blink. Then when you open them you'll be there, I promise,(——” The Benefactor assured me once more.

10482230
Once again, thank you friend. The world needs more people like you.

10481447
Back and "rested" so if you have any questions fill free to ask. I'm always happy to hear other peoples thought and interpretations, as well as explain my original intent.

How on God’s green Earth is that not reasonable?(—— I wanted to explode, not necessarily at the poor mare, but in general.

a pony like Sunburst, Starswirl or Twilight? Especially if Twilight is already princess...so that's a no. If Sunburst is an advisor to the crystal empire or a teacher and I really don't like the idea of dealing with Starswirl… There was Starlight, but something tells me she’d be too busy for a non student...

That was aside from maybe aside from Discord or the princesses of course,

Is it “Pink Hearts” or “Pink Heart”?

He didn't feel anything off with Phoenix’s skull or brain for that matter,

In any event I’ll still be trying to post on schedule or as close to it as I can.

If Ya'll haven't read their stories I’d highly recommend it.

To those on the ground the city seemed to be its own world, detached from the rest of Equestria even.

Mirage managed to make a good time.

he paused to look over his notes again, “Phoenix!”

A quiet whimper escaped his throat as he looked to the mountain of papers upon the desk.

Here I lay, playing another game of twenty questions, except it was the same question of 'what happened' every time.

He cant be serious can he?! I panicked.(——

my vision swiftly becoming a blur of tears, anger,(—— and heat.

That realization stung far worse than than the tears ever could. I couldn't recall a time I’d ever felt this way. Normally I could just force myself back up and through my problems, but here I couldn’t. I felt helpless, like the helpless filly they all saw me as, and I hated it.

He warned, to which I gave a roll of my eyes.

”I did warn you,(——” Dr. Bright quipped before blowing on his own drink.

Temporarily of course,(——“ the doctor explained.

The doctor corrected.

10482408
As always friend thank you for all of this, your a God send.

The same dull window loomed to my left, the same faded red covers laid on my bed, the same white tiled floor greeted my hooves and the same orange plaster draped walls.

I thought the walls were purple and the window was on the right?

Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to; something was wrong here.

Despite the scolding,(—— her I knew her rant came from a good place.

the same care and comfort she’d tried to express through words.

Seems like a kinda rough winter to hold out in.”

“It's the law of nature. If they don't I suppose they'll simply won't make it,(——” she answered.(—— ,Every creature gives a little

10482546
Keep reading. But glad to know my attention to detail wasn't wasted also floors suppose to be grey not white so there's also that.

10482505
So its a more artsy and less literal take than the other chapters. Not saying that as a defense because I get this can and probably is really confusing. But for context this chapter was absolute hell to write. I hated anything and everything I did with it and so it just sat as unfished for a while. It got to a point where quite a few people had started asking where the next chapter was, so I bit the bullet here.
I couldn't think of any good way to express my ideas/message in a literal since grounded within the story its self. So this chapter Just goes full abstract introducing the "storm." (note everything is marked as spoilers as this is the meaning I was attempting to portray as an author. But i know some people like to piece together the clues themselves or have their interpretation undiluted by the author, aka "death of the author." having said that nothing beyond this point is "spoilers" but rather the message I'm trying to convey) A metaphor for Phoenix's growing apathy and disinterest in the world. Instead of dealing with his problems simply sub comes to the dangerous thought processes of simply not caring and ignoring your problems instead of facing and dealing with them. Subsequently this also blurs his perception of reality, as you'll see in later chapters, since he's now buried below the waves of the storm. Which leads to the skewed perception of time and not quite being in touch with reality anymore In any case the purpose was to establish what exactly the storm is and bring its introduction as an important element for the rest of the story. Its ultimately a storm Phoenix must overcome. Having said all that, this chapter will probably get a rewrite (like most of this story) when I'm done as a another dream chapter to ease the reader in more(instead of this awful jump here). The problem is going into making this story (ill be the first to admit it) things were not 100% planned beginning to end, as I have a really bad habit of never finishing what I start. So I posted this in an incomplete story so that I felt beholden to the readers whom are invested to finish it. So as I rite this more and more I have a stronger idea of how I want to tackle these themes and concepts which is why some of these(if not all) of these chapters are kind of janky.

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