Schadenfreude
A Human, a Pony Princess, and a Mistake
Chapter 27: Schadenfreude
Once Tom had finished cursing like a sailor, he read the rest of the articles. After which he cursed some more. It didn’t help. But he felt a bit better.
“Was all that strictly necessary?” Rarity asked with an arched eyebrow.
“I’d say something about attempted good deeds going horribly awry, but then I remember Suri. So never mind,” Tom was somewhat put out that he couldn’t use his witty remarks on Rarity.
“So, what are you going to do?” Rarity inquired.
“Right now I’m going to find Lyra and Bon Bon and hope they aren’t upset with me over these articles,” Tom replied.
“Why on Equuis would they be upset with you?” Rarity was baffled.
“I don’t know, but better not to risk it and have this turn into even more of a mess,” With that Tom levitated a bagel out of the kitchen and stuffed it in his mouth before marching towards Bonnie’s sweet shop. He really should’ve teleported.
“You know, Sir Tom, usually it is the royalty who pick up consorts, not the commoners who make consorts of royalty,” Luna and Chrysalis had spotted Tom and were making no efforts to hide their mirth.
“You know, if you want some tips on pleasing two mares at once, I’m sure I could help you,” Chrysalis offered. Tom knew better than to engage and encourage them. That did little to help Twilight laughing like a loon in his head. Schadenfreude is a powerful thing indeed. Or maybe Twilight just liked to laugh at him. He was seriously considering either possibility.
“Tom, you sly dog, Lyra and Bon Bon? Because you know those two are a package deal~” Rainbow appeared and waggled her eyebrows at Tom.
“Yes, I was just on my way to ravish my two gorgeous new girlfriends. Did everyone read the papers and just decide to harass me on the way to Bonnie’s shop?” Tom didn’t pout. If anyone claimed otherwise they were a filthy liar.
“Um, well…”
“Et tu Fluttershy?” He turned to see even the mild mannered Pegasus with a small smile on her lips.
“You know no one in Ponyville is going to take those articles seriously. Bonnie and Lyra have only had eyes for each other almost since the day they met,” Fluttershy said slightly apologetically.
“That doesn’t explain why everyone feels the need to poke fun at me,” OK, this time Tom was pouting.
“Because no one can take the idea of Lyra dating anyone other than Bonnie seriously? I’m sure once those two poke their heads out of the shop, they’re gonna get some earfuls too,” Rainbow waved it off.
“Right, well, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go see the mares in question,” Tom trotted off, leaving both Pegasai behind. Fortunately, he didn’t run into anyone else at that early hour. He arrived and knocked on the door.
“Come in!” Came the voice of Lyra. Tom entered and knew he was in trouble as soon as he saw the matching smirks on Lyra and Bonnie’s faces.
“Well, Tom, me and Lyra have talked it over,” Bonnie began.
“And we’ve come to a decision,” Lyra was struggling against a bad case of the giggles.
“We’ll let you be our concubine,” The two said together.
“I try and do something nice and this is what I get for it? That’s gratitude for you!” Honestly Tom couldn’t be too mad. If this were happening to anyone else, he’d most certainly be cracking jokes with the rest of them.
“So, our sexy Alicorn consort, what brings you here?” Bonnie asked.
“Well, I was going to ask if you’d seen the papers, but clearly you have. So I move to my next question: Lyra, if your parents turned up dead, say tomorrow, how would you feel?” Tom asked in a serious tone of voice.
“I wouldn’t lose sleep over it,” Lyra replied readily.
“Honestly you two! No plots to murder before breakfast!” Bonnie rebuked.
“What good is it being trapped in the body of a princess if I can’t hire covert assassins to slay those who displease me?” Tom asked rhetorically.
“You mean besides the sexy adorkableness of Twilight’s body?” Lyra responded.
“LYRA!” Twilight squawked in embarrassment.
“Twilight approves of your appreciation of her body,” Tom reported.
“TOM!” Tom was utterly unrepentant. If she wanted to laugh at him, turnabout was only fair play.
“The sad thing about all this is that I can’t have anyone sued for libel because they were smart enough to phrase everything as questions and speculation. Even their conveniently “unnamed source” who somehow knew Twilight and Lyra had spent the night together,” Tom sighed.
“I’m going to kill my mother. “Unnamed source” my plot,” Lyra growled.
“I’m sorely tempted to ask Celestia to send some fools to the sun, but she’s probably laughing at this whole thing as we speak,” Strictly speaking Tom didn’t even know if Celestia actually had the power to banish anyone to the sun or moon without the aid of the Elements.
“Hey, maybe we can convince Luna to send them all a plague of nightmares?” Lyra suggested.
“I don’t think there’s enough moon pies and dark chocolate in Equestria to accomplish that feat,” Bonnie quipped as she started preparing breakfast.
“We could always try and bribe her with sexual favors. Make it two outta four Alicorns,” Lyra snarked.
“But if we did that then we’d have to go after the complete set and no offense to your brother, Twilight, but both of us find the idea of bedding a stallion icky at the best of times. I’m sure Tom is of a similar mindset,” Bonnie remarked.
“I will admit to a man crush on David Bowie back in his heyday, but otherwise I’m pretty much exclusively a heterosexual male,” Tom confirmed.
“Or a lesbian, going off your current body,” Lyra ‘helpfully’ pointed out.
“That is a can of worms I have no desire in opening,” Tom said flatly.
“What about you, Twilight? Any special fillies or colts on your mind?” Bonnie asked.
“No,” Twilight answered shortly.
“Twilight has vivid fantasies of pinning Luna to a wall and having her way with the Princess of the Night,” Tom lied. Even if she did have such fantasies, he wouldn’t know.
“Tom, when we get our own bodies, I will kick your plot from here to Canterlot and back,” Twilight swore darkly.
“You might have to fight Chrysalis for her,” Lyra observed.
“Given she was offering to give me tips on how to handle a threesome, I don’t think she’d mind sharing overmuch,” Tom reveled with a shit eating grin.
“I’m surrounded by perverts!” Twilight groaned. If she wanted to laugh at Tom all the way from Golden Oaks to here, then she could go without the ability to defend herself to Lyra and Bonnie.
“Do you think we should count it if we get a Changeling to shape shift into Cadence and Celestia or would that only be like, half credit?” Bonnie wondered as she poured waffle batter into the iron.
“Definitely partial credit, half the fun would be knowing we got to lay all four. Or all five, once the Winter Solstice comes around,” Lyra shrugged as if it were the only natural response.
“I’m not even going to ask how you know about our plans for the Winter Solstice,” Tom decided.
“Good choice,” Lyra and Bonnie said at the same time.
“Although I guess, being a princess, you do have the clearance to know…” Bonnie trailed off.
“What? That you’re part of a secret government agency that reports directly to Celestia? Twilight figured that out a long time ago,” Tom enjoyed the surprised looks on both mares’ faces.
“How?!” Bonnie demanded.
“A void in a magical detection array is just as noticeable as an active alert, if you know what to look for. I didn’t graduate top of my class for nothing. Once I knew who it was that was poking around my house, it was a simple matter to find out you were a secret agent. Being Celestia's prized student has its perks Sweetie Drops~," Twilight said smugly and Tom passed it along. Deciding Twilight had been deprived enough, he summoned the body double.
“Well, looks like the boys down at the labs are gonna have a new project,” Bonnie sighed.
“If they thought they were going to dupe the Element of Magic with a magic trick, then you need better scientists,” Tom snarked.
“Why’d you even have a magical detection array up?” Lyra asked.
“Force of habit mostly. My brother wanted to make sure I was as safe as possible, so drilled some basic home protection spells into me,” Twilight replied.
“That sounds like Armor alright,” Bonnie quipped.
“Well, as entertaining as this has been, I should probably make plans to head back to Canterlot. Just because no one in Ponyville is gonna believe the newspaper doesn’t mean Canterlot isn’t in a holy riot right about now,” Tom was not looking forward to putting out those fires.
“At least stay for breakfast,” Bonnie entreated, “What kind of marefriends would we be if we sent you off on an empty stomach?”
So it was that Tom ate breakfast with Bonnie and Lyra before heading off to Canterlot at top speed. He had a bad feeling it was going to be a long next few days.
Lyra and Bonnie are a great showcase of what I consider to be a good couple. They're willing and able to talk to each other without fear of being thought of as lesser for their opinion. They're madly in love with each other, but they can readily admit to one another if they find someone else attractive.
Now, this is just me personally, but the concept of jealousy as far as it pertains to relationships baffles me. Goes right over my head. I know some people find it attractive and are flattered by their significant other showing a little bit of jealousy, but for the life of me I can't figure out why someone would be happy that their partner considers them untrustworthy of holding up their end of the relationship bargain. I mean, I have heard that people consider jealousy a sign that the other person cares about the relationship, but that seems like a super toxic way of showing it.
My perfect relationship would have my significant other being comfortable telling me "hey, that guy/girl is pretty cute" and me being like "do you wanna talk to them?" and they'd be perfectly secure in answering yes or no without fear of what I thought. That's the important part without fear. I'd also expect them to extend the same courtesy to me, ideally.
If they wanted to go on a few dates with that person, I'd be fine with it. If they decide they want to go steady with that other person then I hope they are comfortable with telling me plainly instead of sneaking about behind my back from fear. "If you love them, let them go" and all that.
Do I consider myself polyamorous? That's a hard question to answer because I've never been in that kind of relationship so I don't know how well it would suit me. I do admit, however, that it sounds really nice.
Is Luna being bribed by dark chocolate and moon pies stereotypical? Yes. That's the joke. Haha, I made a funny~ 
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Assassination? I hope that by poison. Blades and ropes are just too passé.
For the true beauty is in the art of poisoning.
"Arsenic at the picnic,
Strychnine in the red wine,
Anthrax in the lunch sac,
Laudanum in the chewing gum..."
how to get back at lyra and bon bon... run with this as much and long as possible
10314664
This...would backfire horribly...
So... You commented that it will only follow until season 4 ending but... Does that mean that characters from season 5 to 9 will not appear? Or there is still a chance to see Starlight Glimmer, Flurry Heart, The Sirens, Cozy Glow and GrogarCord?
10314754
GorgarCord will flat out not exist. Others may or may not appear in the sequel. We may even see something about the real Grogar~
10314614
My friend, in the event that Lyra's parents do "mysteriously" die, I wouldn't expose Colonel Mustard like that~
10314664
I don't think Lyra and Bonnie will stop finding this funny for quite a while. At least until the end of season 4, as a matter of fact... [ominous music rising]
Oh you sly sly fox! Instead of waiting for a sequel you started harem clopfic right here!
...well, at least harem part.
10314953
As much as Lyra and Bonnie are joking around and might be down for a quick fuck every now and again with others, they are wholly devoted to each other. No budding harem here.
Although, the idea of harem protagonists Lyra and Bonnie does sound oddly sexy... Would they each have their own harem or would they share? Wait, that's a silly question, they'd definitely share.
If you have the motivation, I wouldn't say no if you want to take my Lyra and Bonnie and make a harem clopfic with them. I would personally find that infinitely entertaining.
*Libel.
Soooo much yes
10315043
You do realize that copping an attitude like that is extremely counterproductive? You're more likely to encourage people to practice religion just to spite you talking like that. I might as well start insinuating that just because you support, well, any political party under the sun that you're a loudmouth who only cares about money and hates humanity in general. That because you dare to have an opinion on anything you must be a backwards, sorry excuse for a human being. Generalizations are dangerous things.
10315032
Nah, I can't masterfully write comments and you proposing me to write a fic. And with clop to boot. That'll be horrendous and we don't want to leave everyone scared for life, do we?
But seriously, do be careful with them poking fun at each other too much or they may blow up, yell at each other and then start hate-kissing furiously.
One could say that him being in Twilight's body is starting to affect him
10315264
Maybe I'm just the kind of crazy that wants to watch the world burn
10315386
Tom had done an admirable job keeping his sanity afloat, but sooner or later the cracks will form and the ship will sink deep into the sea of insanity. Assuming he survives that long~
By the time Tom gets his own body, he’ll be bisexual.
10317504
Plumbing, schmumbing. As long as you love what's between their ears, what matters what's between their legs?
I don't know how this ends but I want tom with Lyra and bon bon now.
Ah, good ol' jokes about abuse of power.
I need my sides for work good Author but you have just killed them.