• Member Since 9th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen August 3rd

Zenaron


I'm a musician, My favorite charecter is Rainbow dash and I enjoy reading.

E
Source

Family, one of the most important things a pony can have. It comes with Love, care, protection, but what about a young orange pegasus named Scootaloo who doesn't have one, and what will two mares do to change that.

(AppleDash)

Special thanks to BronyDak ,aurorablaze and NikitaKitten for editing

Chapters (15)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 183 )

Other than the fact that it's really fast-paced, it does look promising

Allow me to start things off by saying that this story certainly has potential. I like these Appledash stories, mainly because the two of them just seem to connect, being athletic and competitive as they are. Looking forward to more. :ajsmug::heart::rainbowdetermined2:

I liked this a lot. I'm a sucker for stories where Dash adopts Scoot (sounds like that's how this is gonna turn out anyway) and AppleDash is my favorite ship. The two together means a 20% more awesome story :rainbowdetermined2:

My only complaint is that I think you have AJ's accent on a little thick. If you toned it down a little bit (getting rid of yawl being the biggest problem), this would be a lot easier to read.

.... let me just say something >.< You need to watch some of your grammar, your punctuation and tenses are kinda slipping, and I think I noticed 'your' instead of 'you're' a few times. ^^; If you like, I could try a type of editor thing with you, if you needed an extra nudge =) [sorry to babble, but it really throws me off the story notice these little things </3]
But otherwise, I look forward to seeing what happens next :D the thoughts those two are having are so cute! Will watch, and I hope Scoot is okay =[

I have to agree with the comment above me. There is some potential here, but the technical aspects of your writing are severely lacking. Your quotation marks were all over the place: sometimes you didn't close a quote that you opened, sometimes you mixed single and double quotation marks, sometimes you just used the wrong punctuation within the quote. Not to mention the number of spelling mistakes that you made where you used the wrong homophone, or the way you used your commas.

I too volunteer as an editor, though I likely will not be continuing to follow this story if the grammar and punctuation stay at the same level.

I too have to agree with the above comments, it's a concept I've loved for a long time, but the execution is a bit rough. I myself had the most problem with the Dialogue. I'm not very good with punctuation, so I won't make a good editor, but I suggest you take the editing offers. It'll make this story much better in both the long run and the short run.

I like where this is going... very bueno

I'm curious as to why Scootaloo is in the graveyard crying, much less why she's suddenly scared of Applejack. I think I have an idea of why, but I want to keep reading and find out. So next update soon please.

1151481>>1151496

What these two said. This story needs to slllooooooooooowwwwwww down a bit, give the reader time to catch up on what's going on. Try to describe what the characters feel more, and the setting as well.

1168787

It's because her parents died, remember?

Well this conversation will be interesting

Awesome! I have been waiting for this! :ajsmug: Keep up the great work!

Thank you all so far for reading it, and 1165911 I could not have put it better myself.

I like the story, but it seems rushed.

1190247
Agreed. Seems to be going a tad quick. Still, reading! :D

Parent famous wonderbolt. Never mentions it to the biggest fan of wonderbolts.:scootangel:

I can't wait for the next chapter!

Very nice story keep on going:scootangel:

dang cliffhanger.:flutterrage: great work keep it up hope to see more from you soonish

Here is chapter three I slowed it down some so hopefully its easier to read. I hope you all enjoy it.

It's pretty good, I like that the scootaloo being an orphan an being taken care of by RD is put into the story. I love stories like that.

Adorableness ahead!

Actually, I'm pretty sure that Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo are driving each-other demented. Applejack had better be ready for a long tomorrow of playing 'mother confessor' to both of them.

The next chapter is going to be delayed a little. I was almost done typing it, and then my computer crashed and i have to retype the hole thing. But hopefully i'll have the next chapter up soon

Sorry this took so long, a lot of things went wrong for me tyring to finish this chapter. But now it's up and I hope you all injoy it. Oh and to 1272450 and 1273613 you were both right.

Fiiiirst? probably not ;) :rainbowlaugh:

"Is it even worth trying?"

:heart: :scootangel: :heart:

"Yeah, totally worth it" :rainbowdetermined2:

1453636 I agree, probably one of my favorite lines i have written.

I really like this story.:scootangel:

It seems like the grammar got a lot worse at the end. There were some misspellings and punctuation errors there. I didn't notice any in most of the chapter though. I can give you specific examples of what I'm talking about later if you want, but it's one AM and I need sleep :twilightsheepish:

I'm liking this story more and more with each chapter. :scootangel:

OK, I'm back. Now that I got some sleep, here's what I got:

It was plain compared to the rest of the house. With only a bed, and a small desk in the corner, but to Scootaloo it was the best room ever.

I would recommend combining these into one sentence. You also don't need the comma after bed.

Rainbow Dash was somewhat taken aback by Scootaloo’s response, She wasn’t used to dealing with kids let alone having to take care of one.

Period instead of a comma.

“Alright I’ll go to bed…If you can catch me.” Scootaloo Said

Lowercase said.

“Hey get back here.” Rainbow Dash yelled

I would use an exclamation mark here.

Before the dust settled Scootaloo Jumped

Lowercase jumped.

Scootaloo seeing all of this from the other side of the room burst into uncontrollable laughter

I would put commas after Scootaloo and before burst.

Rainbow humped as she gazed at the young filly

Try using something other than humped here. I get what you're saying, but it sounds kind of awkward to me. Maybe something like humphed.

“Alright Scoots I caught you, now it’s time for bed ok.” Rainbow said with a voice that headed no argument.

I would use either a question mark after ok or end the dialogue with bed. The sentence sounds strange right now with a period at the end.

Scootaloo quickly hopped into bed and lay down on the comfy cloud matters.

I'm assuming you meant mattress.

Rainbow Smiled and got up out of the chair and put it back at the desk. “Good, Well good Night Scootaloo I’ll see you in the morning.” Rainbow Said

You need to lowercase smiled and said and should probably change the comma after good to a period and start a new sentence at Well.

“Is this how it is to take care of somepony. Wow this is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Can I really do this, can I really take care of her.

Question mark after somepony and her.

She said out lowed

loud

General things:
Check your consistency for Squirt. You have it both capitalized and lowercase.
When you are doing dialogue and it ends in a period, you should do "quote," she said; not "quote." She said.

1456171 Thank you for the advice. I have made all the changes you suggested, and hopefully it will help me not make them in the future.

You have failed to dissapoint me. I thank thee.

I'm enjoying the premise. Please continue when you can! :twilightsmile:

1461300 I'm glad to not have failed you my good sir.

Woo, sorry it took so long to update, I've had performances almost every day for three weeks. :flutterrage: But I suppose that's the problem with being a music major. Anyway hopefully the next chapter shouldn't take near as long.

Twinkie pie hints?

Mustaches, you get all of them

:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:
:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:
:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:
:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

"Little girl filly"

That...is incredibly reduundant. You should probably change it just "filly" or because it's Rarity,"Dear".

As of right now, this story will be followed.

1660049 Thanks for noticing that I fixed it.

What kind of music major... Singing, instrumentals, conducting or teaching?:pinkiehappy:

1661980 Instrumental, teaching, with a minor in composition, but to be more exact percussion, which means I play drums of some kind in every ensemble at my college. Its a lot of work but I enjoy it.

Oddly enough, I think that Twilight Sparkle is the best pony to ask for advice. Not only do I bet the library has a copy of "Foal, Colt and Filly Care" by Doctor Sprock but Twilight herself has raised Spike to be a neurotic but very good-natured, polite and helpful young dragon. She must know most of the tricks, especially when it comes to the dreaded homework. :twilightsmile:

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!