Royal Correspondence
“Tenebraes depellendam? I’ve never heard of that enchantment before.”
“Well, you wouldn’t have. Trade secret, and all.”
“So... what does it do?”
“Hand it here, and I’ll show you.”
The two Equestrians opposite him sported unimpressed looks.
“I’m not going to attack you with it, I promise. I’ll even stay on this side of the table.”
Hesitantly, Twilight floated the knife over to Archer, dropping it on the table where it landed noisily.
“Alright,” said Archer, picking up the knife and examining the gems in its hilt, “You seem to have taken pretty good care of it. Now,” he stood up and pressed back against the wall. “You can do magic, right?”
Twilight nodded uncertainly.
“Ok. Shoot a lightning bolt at the wall, over there.” Archer pointed at a spot about a yard from his head.
“Well, I can’t do lightning bolts, but-”
“Just shoot the wall.”
Twilight closed her eyes and focused. A point of light grew on the tip of her horn, lancing out and scoring an ugly black burn mark on the wallpaper. Nothing out of the ordinary happened.
“Well, that was informative,” noted Applejack. “You gonna make her burn down the library next?”
“Ah, no. Next, I’m going to ask her to shoot at me.”
“What?” asked both of the ponies.
“Trust me, I know what I’m doing.”
“If that were true, y’all wouldn’t even be here right now.”
“Just shoot at me already!”
Twilight obliged, snapping her eyes shut again and firing another bolt, this time aimed center-mass at Archer. When she opened her eyes, Archer was a foot to the right, the gems on the knife were glowing brightly, and a small sizzling dot on the wall marked where he had been a second before.
“Pretty neat, huh?”
“What happened?”
Archer waved the knife, scattering the gems’ foggy glow through the air.
“Tenebraes depellendam. A ‘dispel darkness’ enchantment. If the wielder is attacked by magic, that magic is siphoned by the gems, and burnt off. It comes standard issue to every scout, and I’m told it’s constructed so it’s impossible to-”
“Whoa, whoa, hoooold on there, hayseed. We wanted to know what it does, not why it’s so fantastic to own one. If’n you wanted to impress people, I’d say you already did just by showin’ up.”
Archer, rather deflated, sat down without a word.
“And anyway, I think me and Twilight agree that it’s high time we impressed you with all a’ the fancy stuff we have here in Ponyville. Right, Twilight?”
“Well... I guess. But we need to set a few rules, first.”
Archer sighed through his sourdough. “Fine. Hit me.”
“Number one, that knife has to stay put away. If you lose your temper like you did with Rainbow Dash just then, you’ll be put in the bedroom with Spike guarding the door.”
He made a show of trying to swallow a particularly stubborn chunk of bread.
“Oh, stop it. You’ll be fine." She waited for him to slide the knife into its scabbard, safely away. "Number two, you have to at least try to get along with all of the other ponies in Ponyville. That’s why we're keeping you here.”
“Ok, two questions, before you go on.”
“Alright?”
“Inkwell told me this place was called Eqshana-”
Or at least, Eqshana was the shape his mouth made. He ended up saying “Ponyville.”
“...Which I guess is the translation for this place’s name. My second question was this. That’s why you imprisoned me? So you could teach me some manners?”
“That’s Innocence by Ignorace. You stop being ignorant about how to act and behave toward Equestrians, and we let you go.”
“Huh. Well, that doesn’t sound so bad. How long does a lesson like that normally take?”
“Well, Ponyville’s never had to keep a human before. If I had to guess, though, I’d say... two or three years?”
Archer immediately spat out the rest of his bread, choking momentarily before beginning to shout in English and cough at the same time.
To Applejack and Twilight Sparkle, who had never heard someone speak in the comparatively deep human tongue, it looked and sounded like Archer had suddenly come down with an acute case of demonic possession.
“Archer? Are you alright?”
“NO!” He stood up, still hacking. “WHERE’S THE WATER?”
Applejack helpfully filled a small glass from the tap. Archer snatched it from her, draining it and immediately going back to the faucet for a second, then a third cupful. After that display, he finished with a few deep breaths and a shudder.
Unfortunately, there was no competition nearby for dramatic breakdowns, and thus no judges to give him a perfect 10 for such a performance.
“Please tell me you didn’t just say three years.”
“I said three years. Sorry.”
“B-but- but that’s just- I can’t- three years?”
“Give or take.”
“No, no-no-no, I-I-I have a mother a-and two sisters! I can’t stay here for three whole years, what’ll happen to them!?”
Archer had a point, Twilight admitted. A point she hadn’t even considered. She would likely have taken it similarly, had she been told she couldn’t return to Ponyville for even half that long.
“I... I’m sorry, Archer. But it’s Equestrian law. It was put down by the Princess herself. I can’t change it, no matter how unfair you say it is.”
“Uh,” began Applejack, “I’m startin’ to feel a mite uncomfortable in this room. Tell you what, sugarcube, I’m... gonna go... help Rainbow check on Spike. Oksoundsalrightbye.”
And then Archer and Twilight were alone.
“If it helps, I sort of understand what it’s like. Once, I nearly lost my friends-”
“Obviously, you didn’t,” Archer groused. “They’re right there. You still have them. And everyone’s lost friends on occasion, that’s just how it works. You can always make more.”
He sighed, standing up.
“The things is, my family is the only one I have. If I don’t return from my scouting mission, they might get my insurance from the crown, but that’s it! What happens when the money runs out? Should my mother go back to working as a seamstress eighteen hours a day? Should my sisters sign away their dignity working the tables at a bar somewhere?”
“I’m sorry, Archer, but we can’t just-”
“Yes, I know. You’re sorry.”
The room was distressingly silent for a while afterward.
“You said the law was laid down by the Princess?”
“Yes.”
“The Princess you write letters to?”
“How’d you know that?”
“You were talking about it with Inkwell.”
“Oh... you heard that?”
“You don’t get a job like mine without a knack for paying attention.”
“Alright, fair enough. What about it?”
“I think I’ve found a way out of this mess,” Archer said, heading for the door. “I need a quill.”
***
“...Well, because he’s a menace! You should know, Princess, you do not want a human scout to become an Equestrian’s first meeting with a member of the human race. You just don’t.”
“Refresh my memory, would you?”
“Well, let me count the ways.”
The conversation between thrones had grown visibly more relaxed. Celestia figured she’d already spent well over five hundred bits on this single call, but darn it, this was important. And she was planning on calling collect next time anyway.
“First off, we train them to be quick with a bow. Given that we only generally pick rather hair-trigger individuals to become scouts, it’s a wonder no one was hurt.”
She knew better. But a thousand years of experience imparted a phenomenal amount of tact.
“...Second off, a scout’s job is to get into and out of places like Equestria as fast as he bloody can. He’s liable to have a panic attack once he realizes how long your little ponies plan on keeping him. Matter of fact, he’s probably having one right now!”
She resisted the urge to point out how thick that highlandic brogue of his got when he was making a point. It wasn’t easy.
“And third off, no human likes to be stuck in one place, no matter how short the sentence or how nice the furnishings. That’s why our worst punishment is banishment to the front lines. At least there, they’ll be useful, eh?”
“I think that is positively barbaric.”
“Ah, to each their own.”
Before she could get well and truly angry at such an attitude, a small piece of parchment materialized in a puff of smoke in front of her, slowly floating to rest at her feet.
“I didn’t know you lot had dragon’s breath.”
“Not quite. We’ve just got the dragons.”
“Ohhh, see. Now you’re just taunting me.”
***
“So, wait. You use Spike to send messages to the Princess?”
“Yep.”
“Neat. We use dragon’s breath, too, but we make it using a... well, a more direct approach.”
“Which is?”
“Well... killing the dragon. Then taking out the firey bits.”
Though he would never tell the human this, Spike would never look at Archer quite the same way again.
***
“Who’s it from?”
“It would seem... my guest of honor.”
“Oh, that’s rich. Wonder how he managed that, in a town full of Equestrians?”
“I have a student there. She likely aided him.”
“Well, enough about that, what’s it say?”
***
To Princess Celestia:
You probably haven’t heard of me. I’m a member of a species called “human”. I have a name, though it’s impossible to transcribe in Equestrian characters. Instead, your subjects have taken to calling me “Archer.”
Early today, I was unjustly convicted by the citizens of the town of “Ponyville” for making the honest mistake of thinking an Equestrian was an ordinary horse. Now, I am told that my stay in captivity will last roughly three years. Forgive my brashness, your majesty, but that simply won’t do.
I have a family back in the human realm. They rely on me to keep them fed and cared for. I absolutely cannot stay in Equestria for three years. From what I hear, you are the supreme ruler of this land, and so I am compelled to make a request of you, however vain this attempt may be. I would humbly ask you to overturn my sentence, and let me return to my own world. Should you do this, I swear on the honor of my king that I will never return.
Your unwitting prisoner,
Archer.
***
The laughing in both throne rooms could accurately be described as “uproarous.”
“Do- do you think you should let him go?” asked Jove, very nearly shedding tears.
“Ohh, I don’t know. He certainly doesn’t sound like he’s- he’s learned his-”
Any further comment was obscured by more laughter, as Celestia rolled the letter up and set it beside her.
“Ahhhh, I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time.”
By now, Celestia had regained her composure enough to speak again.
“I think your scout may have missed his calling. He would have made a fine ambassador.”
“Aye, maybe. Well, what do you think we should do with him? I mean, I know you take your laws and decrees and all seriously, but the man sent you a polite letter! You can’t keep him locked up after that!”
“Maybe not, but we do have standards,” Celestia countered. “It would set a bad precedent. Convict ponies would send letters to me constantly, looking for a quick parole, and I get enough mail already.”
“You’ve got me there.”
“I don’t suppose you’ve got any ideas, Jove?”
“Hmm. Well, there’s one trick we humans use. It usually works.”
“What is it?”
“Lying to our subjects.”
Celestia stared back at him for a good minute.
“I was right, you are a barbarian.”
“No, look, I’ve already got a plan. Or at least, I’ve got the beginnings of one. This is all we need to do...”
***
In the time between sending the letter to the Princess and actually getting a reply, there was little to do but wait in the library and read. The reading was fascinating. The waiting, not so much.
Finally, a cloud of smoke drifted into the room, resolved into a single rolled-up scroll, and deposited itself on the library’s kitchen table.
Archer immediately tore it open.
***
Dear Mr. Archer:
I understand your worry. However, Equestrian law is absolute. Until you have proven that you are able to coexist with Equestrians, you will not be allowed to leave.
But I am not heartless. Nor am I ignorant of how human society operates. I will see to it, personally if necessary, that your family does not starve while your sentence is carried out.
And who knows? You just might learn something.
Sincerely,
Her Royal Majesty, Princess Celestia
***
Well, he felt a little better. At least he wouldn’t feel like he had totally abandoned his loved ones. He’d tried, at least.
But merely trying failed to satisfy him. He’d wanted to succeed. And failing, to him, was almost as bad as if he knew his family would never get another penny from him.
Several sullen, book-filled minutes later, a thick package emerged from the ether, landing on the table with a solid THUD.
It had a letter affixed, with the kingdom’s royal seal printed on the envelope.
His kingdom’s royal seal, over an English address.
If anything, he opened this one even faster.
***
To “Archer”
We’ve heard of your unfavorable position. Rest assured, we don’t plan on leaving you to hang. The Equestrians are not to be crossed, mind you. You are to obey their laws for the time being, and gather as much information as you can. Enclosed is a unique item of field equipment to aid you in this endeavor.
If they let you go, that’s all well and good. But if you happen to leave earlier than that, rest assured that it is no skin off our nose. Your family will be placed under the protection of the crown until you return. We wish you luck in this endeavor.
HRM King Jove V
P.S. Swearing on our honor? Not much of a swear, is it? Think up something stronger next time.
***
Inside the package was a tall glass bottle. English words on the front declared the cloudy black liquid inside to be “LIQUID NERVE: For Strength of Mind & Steadiness of Hand”, of a vintage well over a hundred years ago.
Old King Jove was playing for keeps this time, Archer could tell.
The Liquid Nerve went on a high shelf in the library’s pantry. If anyone got suspicious, he would tell them it was just a favored drink of his, sent in a care package from home. After that, Archer felt much more confident that he’d get home, eventually.
After all, it wasn’t like anyone in this town could read English, right?
Right?
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Right....
Guess we know what comes next!
Archer gets discovered by someone who reads English and the sentence gets worse, and possibly initiates a Human-Equestrian conflict
Friggen troll-kings
So now we have Princess Trollestia and King Jerkve. These two will get along swimmingly.
Is it just me or does anyone else read "Archer's" dialog in The Snipers voice?
Brilliant! Brilliant! I look forward to more of your splendid story!
Wow, both Celestia and the human ruler come off as dicks in this chapter. Let's laugh at the innocent, confused human.
80666 and here I thought it was just me
530270
I'm reading it in a mishmash of scottish and irish accents...
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m37yi9azru1rq4ekjo3_250.png
MURPHY'S LAW!!!