• Member Since 24th Dec, 2019
  • offline last seen March 15th

dashielovesyou


why EqG sunset and rainbow lowkey bad 😨⁉️

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Twilight need to study a lot. But everything is a mess! Everything is out of order, a lot of stuff are on the floor. She doesn’t have a lot of time to clean it all up. So she called her friends to help her. But her friends basically messes up everything.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 2 )

You SERIOUSLY need an editor.

Ouch. Just ouch. i_am_the_jam is right. You seriously need an editor. Try looking for some in the group 'Looking for Editors.' They can help you.

But I can help too. First off, names always start with an uppercase. Always. There is no exception.

“Yes twilight? I heard you calling my name,” Starlight said, looking at twilight.

Not good.

”Yes, Twilight? I heard you calling my names,” Starlight said, looking at Twilight.

This is basic English. It's very simple.

Furthermore, when someone is addressed by name, there should be a comma before and/after the name.

“Hiya twilight!” Pinkie greeted her.

”Hiya, Twilight!” Pinkie greeted her.

Everytime you change the speaker, you begin a new paragraph. It gets confusing if everyone speaks in the same paragraph. Like, seriously.

“Yes I did. Can you please help me fix up this castle. I can’t do it all by myself,” twilight asked her. “Sure! I will get right on that,” starlight exited out her room then went into the messy room.

I mean, who's talking here? We won't know. It should be like this:

”Yes, I did. Can you please help me fix up this castle?” Twilight asked her.

”Sure! I will get right on that.” Starlight exited the room, then entered the messy room.

And do tone down on the caps lock, okay? It's hard to read. If you need to emphasize something, use the italics instead.

“OW! WHAT THE HAY RARITY!?” Rarity looked behind her to find starlight hit in the face hard with the broom.

”Ow! What the hay, Rarity!?” Rarity looked behind her to find that Starlight had hit with a broom.

There are also problems with the tenses, you story is in the past tense, always use the past tense; the said tag; and scene breaks; and punctuation, questions end with a question mark, dear; and pacing.

You know how you can improve?
A) Ezn has an amazing writing guide right here on this site. Consider reading it.
B)'Looking for Editors', 'Useful Feedback', 'School for New Writers', amongst others are groups that can help you improve.
C)FanOfMostEverything has loads of helpful tips on their userpage. You can take a look.

Listen, dear, I don't mean to be rude. I really don't. I wanna help you improve, but this story has really bad grammar. There's room for improvement and you have a lot of potential, I can tell. Don't ever give up, but don't hesitate to ask for help.

P.S: This is constructive criticism. My apologies if I offended you. :twilightblush:

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