Chapter 1: There's a Ghost in My Mouth
I stared at Sound Mind tiredly, awaiting his answer. Doctor Sound Mind quietly adjusted his glasses and patted his salt and pepper mane. To the average mortal, his gesture might be mistaken for one befitting their conception of a pretentious scholar. With his fondness for somber hues and sulking overcoats in equally austere colors, he fit easily into such a foalish presumption. If ponies only knew that he dedicated his talents to the most experimental of deeds: being the first and only mortal to truly attempt to therapize the divine.
My appointments were draining for both of us. The chance to talk about anything I endured was not novel, but the idea that anypony truly listened to me was. My words were not heeded except by my dear husband, those I ruled, and the friends I had in Shining Armor, Cadance, and Sound Mind himself.
“Your Majesty, when you tell me things like this, what makes you continue to think that my suggestion is incorrect?”
I looked to his wall, wishing the landscape paintings hanging there held more vividness to them. He always called me by my title or my name, though I preferred the latter, even if it had always been slightly off. Never pronouns, thank my stars. Tia told me that she always had the curators of her health address her with the same professionalism she required of all other subjects. Such stiff formality never sat well with me, nor was I a ‘Just Twilight Sparkle, Please’ type like a certain demigod I shan’t name.
“I’m unsure if I understand the full meaning behind what the condition is. Just how certain can you be?”
“Luna, since I have begun to know you, I have been able to match you to every diagnostic criterion for gender dysphoria. Despite your asexuality, you have still admitted that all aspects of female anatomy have repulsed you deeply, creating a fractured perception of yourself.”
“Aye…” I mumbled, and the softness in my voice wounded me. “That is so. Yet, what possibility is there that I might be troubled by another ailment? How can this be my true disorder when I have spent my eternity being told that all else under the heavens is what plagues me?”
When every mortal has tried to name the beast in my head, and how she gnaws at me, who is it that speaks truly?
There was another sigh from Sound Mind, though not one of annoyance. I heard no trace of it in his breath. “You have been told for ages that you are nothing more than a defective mare?”
“Aye,” I murmured, “and everything else that comes from this nation so drenched an uppity fixation over the mere idea of a creature being female. How it mourned the mere thought of a tomcolt, or any perceived loss of femininity! No matter the manner in which they appear, mares are held as precious, and any sliding away from that is to invite unwelcome mysteries. I shan’t cease to let everypony know what a busybody Equestrian culture is about gynocentrism until my sister’s sun burns out and we have found other stars to call home. ”
I am watched as I wave my hooves for dramatic effect. How else is the maddening impact of this all to be made known? Even at the dawn of Equestria, society breathed down one’s neck if their femininity was as decidedly ‘broken’ as mine was; it had always slipped farther away from the acceptable selective androgyny of being a tomcolt. A stallion in touch with the supposedly fairer sex was both brave and normal. Any semblance of picky masculinizing a mare might do is nowhere near as condemned as it used to be, though its disapproval is still as strong as a corset’s obvious awfulness.
“In every instance of you giving wickedness a ponification, I have noticed you describe them as female.” His eyes found my throat, so lacking and slender. “And you never had a female friend, Princess Cadance excepted. Do you realize how many of our sessions have been devoted to me having to coach you on how to understand female social differences?”
“Are you suggesting that there is anything in nature quite as incomprehensible and fickle as the female?” I made sure he followed my eyes to his desk, where sat a framed photograph. In it, Sound Mind stood by his little daughter. The half where his ex-wife stood was calmly trimmed away.
Sound Mind coughed. “Point taken, Your Highness. But I think the time for foal steps has passed, don’t you?”
“I… I do not know…” My breathing had grown thinner and shallower, and more than ever I wished my voice would fade. At least the Divine Voice of the high gods gave me the power to sound truer to the ghost of myself in my head. “What does this ‘gender dysphoria’ even mean?”
Sound Mind watched my hooves fly about again, soaring about his office where diplomas shone with quiet proudness upon the walls. I loved my regalia and how it sparkled, not because there was any shred of femininity to it, but because I chose it myself. There is a decisiveness to the clear form and darker colors that warms my heart, for I find that elegance has no gender.
“What do you think it means?”
“‘Tis clearly a modern ailment,” I offer, guessing with a shrug. My ears flicked and I drew back into the wideness of the comfortable chair I perched in. “For I never heard of it in the days before.”
“That is true. Nopony knew what gender dysphoria was before your absence.”
“Is dysphoria not merely another word for discomfort?” I ask, my wings itching for flight, though not out of any impatience. “Surely the discomfort with gender is normal? Who would want to be drowned in the world of mares when the surface lies above?”
I spied a twinkle in Sound Mind’s eyes, just behind his glasses. How curious.
“In a game of ‘hot and cold’ that answer would be a very ‘warm’ one, Luna. Gender dysphoria is a condition with a strong neurological origin. Any sapient creatures can be impacted by it. We call ponies with this condition ‘transgender’ because their gender and sex are misaligned, leading to a stressful mental disconnect.”
As soon as those words leave his mouth, I feel something trying to crawl up my tightening throat. My mind is the haze of somepony nearing the earliest stages of crying, and I cannot place exactly why. Falling to the chair’s edge, I let my gaze find where I have folded my forehooves. There is such weight upon my withers, and I cannot tell if it has been here since I walked in, or if it just settled over me.
“Trans… gender…” The word comes out low and my tone is confused. “Why are they called such? Do their genders change?”
“Not at all, Your Highness. Altering a sapient creature’s brain over such a peculiarity would be a heinous crime and bring them no peace. Instead, the creatures with this condition modify their sex and presentation. Changing these things creates a match between the two and corrects the error made in divergent physical development.”
I said nothing for some time, letting my mind turn itself in and out of my storm of thoughts. I was not blind that Sound Mind does appear to be framing a conclusion he wants only for me to name. He had told me on previous appointments that was what made me both easier than any mortal client and equally impossible to handle. As I let my tail wind around my hooves I was left with the thoughts of all that has been as good as make-believe to me.
There have always been non-mammalian creatures in this world who have parallel behavior to this puzzling condition. Not once have I heard of any experiencing distress for their biodiversity, and this gender dysphoria still manages to sound so alien from what Sound Mind describes.
“Does this gender dysphoria mean I really am a defective mare?”
“Yes,” he began, “if you are willing to see stallions as that.”
I furrowed my brow. “I beg your pardon? What is the explanation for your confusing answer? Is it not I who am supposed to be both clever and mysterious?”
Laughter is a rare response from Sound Mind, but I am able to elicit the truest depths of mirth from ponies in ways Tia never has. Not all are giggle-snorting and ever-beaming Pinkie Pies as my sister would think. Sound Mind is very much like that; I get little scoffs from him and another glimpse of shining behind those glasses of his.
“I have long had a hunch that you are a transgender stallion, Your Highness. Thousands of years to let something like that fester… I can only imagine you’re incredibly confused or completely certain that you would desire to begin your transition.” He coughs briefly into his forehoof. “That is something I would like to discuss with you for future appointments.”
“...How does this ‘transition’ you speak of even work?”
The chestnut aura of Sound Mind toys with his cufflinks. “For those who are certain they are transgender, the first steps are always to get confirmation from somepony like myself, and then a referral for medical treatment. The vast majority of transgender ponies—”
I clear my throat briefly, and firmly. Instantly after I do so, Sound Mind looks over all my Alicorn-ness, my visible divinity. His eyes widen with the understanding of his error.
“—transgender creatures seek adjustment counseling alongside hormone replacement therapy. There are some spells and sexual reassignment arcane procedures that are also sought out…”
“So am I to understand that this ‘transgender’ would mean I am a stallion who risks being entombed in the body of a mare? And just what is this arcane reassignment you speak of?”
Sound Mind made a subtle, odd wince right after nodding. “I cannot speak much there, but this is not easy magic like changing mane colors. This is very intensive, piece-by-piece, and not wholly perfect realms of the arcane. Think of the minotaur Theseus, and the problem of his ship. But we can talk about the, ahem, lower surgeries. Though I can only provide very basic information about them. If you ever wish for them, I would have to refer you to somepony much more informed than myself.”
“Lower?” I echo, cocking my head to the side, utterly confused. My dark mane hangs like a waterfall, flowing just right to match my inquisitiveness.
Sound Mind stares at me, unblinking. His expression is hard to puzzle out.
“Are all that genders a pony not lower, underneath the tail?” I ask.
“Luna,” Sound Mind says, using the same tone Sombra used when I could not pick up on something. “That may be true, but I speak of a specific lower region I know that you would not find much use in, so to speak.”
“...Tail extensions?” I guess. “I’m quite fond of having longer hair, though I suppose I could always seek to re-style to something more appropriately masculine and less androgynous…”
“Genital-altering surgery, Your Highness. You don’t strike me as somepony who would find much use in phalloplasty based on our conversations.”
“Oh!” I gasp, bringing a forehoof close to my muzzle. “My apologies, I merely forget that is something ponies think about. Such association is… uncommon in mind, and without the desires wired in me to fuel such thought processes… I cannot help but feel my own native language is made foreign when voicing such concepts.”
“That is fine, I should know to be more on the muzzle with that by now. A few other asexual clients have similar benefits with speaking more clinically. Unfortunately, the ability to construct something like phalloplasty with even the best arcane-infused operations is still very primitive…”
“I…” My words start as a faltering whisper. “Sound Mind, how am I to take all this?”
That damned twinkle has returned to his gray eyes, and the mischief there is now so clear to me. “You seemed to take to it very well just now, wouldn’t you say?”
“My stars, it does appear that is so. How pleased you must feel, Doctor, having duped a high Alicorn.” I twiddle my forehooves, letting them twirl and fidget around one another as I give a small chuckle.
“Oh, maybe just a bit.” Sound Mind’s tiny smile showed sparkling white teeth. “Though… don’t you think it is worth discussing? How well you did right there? The last time you took so easily to something was talking through pre-proposal jitters and preparations for your Ponyville Nightmare Night visit.”
My reply was to duck behind my forelock and pull my mane in front of my face, hugging it tightly.
“Phppthmpppff,” I protested, my half-raspberry, half-meaningless sound being unleashed into my mane.
Past the thick world of blue and sparkling hair I had plunged myself into, I could hear Sound Mind chuckling.
“Hppphpppfttplp!” I insisted, all the more loudly.
“Is there anything you wanted to close this session with, Your Highness?”
Using my turquoise aura, I pulled my mane away just enough to expose my eyes. “...Just how shall I tell Sombra… that I… I might be transgender?”
[Revised for print on 2/17-2/28/2023]
The chapter title is a line from the song I'm Not Calling You a Liar because of course, I would listen to Nightwish and Florence when writing Luna.
Does anyone think that this is enough for there to be a sex tag? The talk of magic SRS and the like?
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I'd say no Sex tag is needed. It's for actual sexual situations, I think.
10273978
Alright, though I do usually tag it when things like innuendo and implicit situations do come up. Hopefully the actual content of the story is alright thus far too!
This is really good so far! It's interesting to see a story about a trans character learning about the existence of gender dysphoria, and it's especially rare to see a story about a trans male character. You did a wonderful job getting the reader into Luna's head, and his doctor is a good OC.
10274126
Thank you so much! This fandom is filled with so many trans gals that a dude peddling trans dude words like myself is pretty rare.
Though, I write NB and trans gals too.
I’m glad you like Sound Mind! I wanted him to stand out and be a window towards positive treatment. Not many stories have positive but realistic therapies in their stories!
very glad for the cadence & luna friendship, 'tis a good one
the twi anti-friendship makes me sad, but is extremely understandable with... that...
gynocentrism
*gynocentrism*
omg
royal canterlot voice
hmmmmmmmm
i love the way you write luna goodness
heh, nice
good luck!
10274183
Definitely going for a lot of miscommunication there, but also an inherent misunderstanding of what Luna is going through. There's nothing that Celestia would really think has a comparison to gender dysphoria except extreme self-loathing or possibly manic depression (bipolar disorder). To find out that it's none of those things and that only what's known at this point in history can be worked with is just... the biggest of all o o f s.
Ah, the days when you could be prescribed cocaine for the ghosts in your blood, amirite?
10274202
I have soooo many stories about these two.
That's just me using Twi always enjoying being called Twilight. I'd say that they're more of acquaintances here than anything else, just like in canon. The main 'verse that I write is where they tend to get prickly.
It's a surprisingly useful word. Plus, I don't have to worry about a pony version of it because it's already species neutral, same with its counterpart (androcentrism).
I actually used to think this. I was a fair deal younger than Luna, though. I can't claim to be thousands of years old and live as an immortal deity.
Thank you! Luna and Sombra are the two dear horses I can't part with. I'm not sure if it was edited out of this comment or in another comment section but I think I saw a part about "not liking straight pairs" or something when I read this last night but I just might be having a dumbass moment. Luna and Sombra are queer in the mane series too. There's one romance story where Sombra's orientation isn't stated, but that's because it was never relevant and isn't tied to any universe as of now.
We shall see in the next chapter!
10274846
cause goodness was it way too rambly, and also realized "wait! ace + unknown != anything close to normal straight pair 
" and we should have realized that earlier, but also we haven't read the rest of the main 'verse yet so we didn't quite have context.
no that's not a problem on your end, we edited that sentence out 4hrs after posting
and yeah the anti-friendship was a reference to the few luna & twi stories (theoretically in the main 'verse?) we've read cause *oof*, damnit twi
10274873
All the stories in the main 'verse can be found here. It's not as heavy on queer content as, let's say, the works of Krickis. But it's there! It's usually an implicit/secondary theme in some of the major stories. Others have it as a primary focus.
Also, I don't mind rambles.
I like some elements here! I like having a transmasculine character, cause we need more! I also like how our protagonist had their earlier troubles dismissed with increasingly insistence in the past. It's accurate.
I do kind of wish the doctor had had a little more space for transition that doesn't immediately jump into medical intervention, because it actually isn't for everyone for a host of reasons, but I am also experienced enough at this point to know that that's how a doctor would likely talk about it. Looking forward to more.
10276623
SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK! More masc more masc more masc!
I felt it was important to bring it up in order to show that transitioning is a goal, and that even if Luna doesn't seek that route, it's one that's open. Plus, having been dysphoric since ~ literally ~ forever I imagine it's the thing Luna would want to hear most.
Thank you! I did base the therapist's conversations on those I've had in counseling/clinics because they're always very "Well if you're ready for it I can refer you/we can move the process along BUT..." with that 'but' being for those who don't go that route. To think that I was initially one of those people too!
This is really nice. The narrative flow works really well!
10387246
So now you’re actually reading my story hrmmmm? 👀👀👀👀