FireFlash13231
Joined 4th May, 2012 ·
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yes. just yes...
*Sees Title*
*Starts thinking of Kharn's Day Off*
Careful of link. Not for the weak stomached or people who don't like dark comedy.
Anyways, I'll be checking this later.
She IMMEDIATELY asks you to fuck her? Seems TOTALLY legit.
Edit: Also...slow things down abit, will ya? They don't come that fast.
Woah, slow down, and put a little story behind it next time will ya.
And it just looks like a huge wall of text, space it out more. That is all...
I love being able to read a story and enjoy it. I then proceed through the comments and see people I've seen before. I love our tight-knit community. Love long and prosper, my brony friends.
On a sadder note, there was a lack of tenting in my pants. I agree with the notion that it was ... fast. It lacked explicit detail that would help a reader along like Viagra does. There was little introduction to characters, and little connection. That character introduction is very important in eliciting emotion or connection to your audience. None-the-less, good tale, good sir.
1363357>>1365809>>1368282 Well, it was only my first clopfic, so I didn't expect much out of it. My next one will be better.
1363379 Thanks for the feedback. I'm glad to have amazing authors like you to help me write
1365665
well, i cant wait to see what is to come from you, i guess i will follow, but only because you seem like a cool guy
Very good for a first, the only thing I'd recommend is a bit more story. I love a good quick clopfic as much as anyone, but I do hope you go for some longer stuff in the future. I'd recommend being slightly less blunt mostly, but other than that it's an excellent fic!
1370266 oops! I meant to mark this complete! Sorry!
its fine
This story made me laugh love, I'm serious. It was so funny hearing a narration of it on YouTube.
Now, not to bad for a first time clop story. What I would suggest is you actually make it longer during the actual sex scene. I got nothing in my pants when I heard it unfortunately and it felt rushed. I would also recommend putting more emotions on why they are bucking. One of the big clop writers (forgot their name) said it, the characters must always have a good reason to have sex.
This is actually inspiring me to write my own clop-fic. I might just make one.
1378893 it got narrarated?
also, glad that I can inspire you
1378964 [youtube=27GAnEyk3kk]
1379450 wow I had no idea.
Mmmmm, now that was pretty hot.
Rainbow Dash would be pleased
arch.413chan.net/happy_rainbow_dash_staring-(n1307096011768).jpg
1386303 heh. thanks
images.wikia.com/dragonage/images/2/2a/Anchorman-well-that-escalated-quickly.jpg
Ok, since i was invited to comment here, i'm gonna leave a complete chronicle of my experience here.
1.-Wet mane pony picture = Clop scene, Oh wait, 1,703 words, maybe in a full day off something interesting happened
2.-I feel deceived by the title and the the description. Spitfire just took like half day off, and the narrations was't "First person omniscient POV from an anonymous OC". That's a character that knows everything as he's narating, this is more "switching" betwen POW and omniscient.
3.-This starts with so much useless information, those are the kind of paragraphs that you never wanna read again, I felt them like just bulk for a clop scene. I guess you were trying to set how boring is the life of the character. If he had mentioned something about the calendar, that he left the door open, the fire in the kitchen on, or any small joke, maybe they won't feel so irrelevant in the end.
But no
4.-"Her toned flank swayed slightly as she walked, and her tail swayed slightly in the breeze" Maybe is just me, but use the same word so fast again "swayed", sounds a bit repetitive, maybe a synonym or say "flank and tail" would sound better. Try not to use the same words a lot, or it sounds like a hip hop song.
5.-Try to separate (") from ("), some dialog sounds like script, and even if it's from the same character you should consider start a new paragraph, some blocks of text need a separation too, or maybe that helps to build up how monotonous his life is, I recomend you to check punctuation to leave heavy blocks in his first scenes, and light and shorts phrases for her. That helps to create atmosphere but you need to check up that again for yourself.
6.-She was too whoie and he too boring, I rather more her despiction as a strong and independent mare, with some self respect, and characters that actually do more efford for a filly than a wingboner
7.-you cut down big junks of time, a single scene of flying to her home would be enought to relate them in... something, anything, how diferent is her rich life compared to his poor one, or buy some food she shouldn't be eating, anything.
ok, the good now
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ok, final count, 7 bad, 2 of them were recommendations, vs 5 good things
no thumb in any sense? I laughed more than cry, so it's gonna be an up this time 
5vs5
This is just a personal opinion, but I was kinda sad because it was just cheap clop, a genre in my tastes just above of cheap gore; With an anonimus main OC, the worst kind of characters. Between clop scenes this was a little fun and that helped me to keep on, after all I read the whole thing, no one dared otherwise. But in general I try to stay away from less than 2k words stories with sex without romance or funny tag, or sex with human or OC's at all, and wet pony pictures, what they sell is pretty obvious.
1703498 first feedback post I ever actually read.
I'll take all those into account if I ever decide to either do a rewrite of this or write another clopfic.
1703966
just a personal opinion, I didn't kept a track of every word or point I didn't liked
and "i" somewhere there is lowercase btw. and a Spitfire movement, or turn, where she's liking his wings, i didn't picture it a lot either, maybe she contortionist by all that tryining, or you should say that he's folding his wings to her, i dunno.
I know that you love every word and point of a first writting, just try to let the info out of your head and give it a nice format, that keeps happy to everyone.
So many yes
a tad bit short for my taste though 
1964079 hehe thanks. Yes, I know it's short, but my next one will be longer.
Good work!
1968336 thanks!
this is great :)
Starts reading "cool my first erotic clop book" after done reading blaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz vomits all over the place omg it's every we're also thats exactly what she said
1980561 huh? thy english, it kills my mind
I'm referring to a kid who I made read this he uhhh has sensitive stomach still great story also you not from America are u
Wowowowo nonono NO ok you fell asleep in her hooves other way around bro
1980942 yes, I am from america, why?
1980942 That kid your referring to.... it wouldn't happen to be Jack T. Herbert from England would it
?
Oh, this is what I like
Here, have a like
that's some high quality clopping material right their the only thing i would change is the fact that spitfire came after only a few minutes and how long the sex scene went for but rather than that great descriptive language
This was.... enjoyable, i wish it was longer, and or not a one shot.
4257198 It's so bad though. And I've essentially given up writing anyway.