I'm Lance Corporal Smith and I was on my way to war.I take nap on the plane and woke up to talking horse's. I still do not want believe this is real, but coming so close to death on the first day. I believe Twilight now. This place is real.
The name Smith is a military reference that it could be anyone they're is over a million people with the last name Smith.
There is a lot of military reference and strong language.
(I have no experience with writing)
Editor is fluttershy<3_66 so special thanks.
Chapters (4)
"I stood up looked at the sky and saw a cloud that looked like building and pulled the trigger." Oh shit, it better not be what i think is about happen.
Hey cool! I am also doing a military person in Equestria! I want to see what yo do for an intro. Fanfic is here read it if you want.
Interesting... try to slow it down a-little, and cut back on the acronyms I get them but others may not, interesting story otherwise! I'll be following it!
Idea is very similar to mine but I noticed some technical errors here and there, and a select amount of grammar issues.
First off, I know a lot of marines, and though I may train slightly different in defensive tactics, I can tell you that if you have a lead on a threat and you think your in a hostile zone, you do one of two thigs: suppressive fire so you can get down or Perdue the target and warn it on the spot. Another thing is try to work on your sentence structure, like for example: "Fucking animals what are you looking at for all I know you are filled with a bombs you fucking animals." to "Fucking animals, what are you looking at?For all I know you are filled with a bombs!"
Stuff like that. Interesting enough concept, similar to mine if a little
Rough around the edges.
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thank you for the comment I'm a reserve marines and am just a little lance. First time writing and have not been to war yet. I just though how would a brand new boot would react to the situation. coming right out of school and being sent to war. Three words scared, nervous, and anger.
P.S. good luck with your training
1185947
It's also worth mentioning that I'm military police, or Master at Arms, anti-terrorism more than anything. We borrow a lot of shit from you guys in offensive tactics. But that's what I remember when breaking for cover. Still an awesome concept.
1185947 I've got a brother over in Afghanistan but he's coming home very soon been there for almost a year now and there was only one major indecent
This is a good start a really good start.
BUT... it is in my opinion that you need to use some commas. I use a text to speech program to read a lot of stuff on the internet because i have dyslexia, and there is almost no breaks in the sentences of your story.
My advice is, along with getting and editor and proof reader. get a Text to speech program to go though it yourself and add periods, commas, and semicolons where needed.
With the advice out of the way keep up the good work. I am really interested in where this will lead. and don't get discouraged by tones of feed back good or bad.
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dude its going to take a lot more people to dislike this story to make me give up. If I couldn't take bad feed I wouldn't have joined the marines.
YOU, YES YOU! YOU ARE DED!
Why in gods name didnt he move -_- i mean if a pony was running at you like that i would run like hell
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hes not dead
MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
like the smith sisters who got skinned alive while sleeping and there brother who years later also got skinned alive at night
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no like Mr. and Mrs. Smith who are known but not known about
shot those bitches
Get a new editor. Your current one doesn't know what a fucking comma is.
Oh so apperently were back and will most likely destroy there planet but i fact only 1 made it through and he is nearly harmless except for the gun
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i never said human are back. just said that the Princesses know how destructive we are.
Not trying to be rude but the M240 uses 7.62 x 51, not 5.56 x 54, hehe nice chapter by the way.
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thank you for catching that it was so pose to be a M249
1216536 No problem ^_^ I hope to see more of this story in the future!
ok, I know Smith is OP in this Chapter, but don't for get he lost all his powers with one attack. From god mode to well your fucked magic can now kill you. I will explain why he was not killed by the Princesses in the next Chapter.
Please wait or I will sick DI Fluttershy after you
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/392/208/368.jpg
This will end bad one he will probably shoot her and her friend sin the legs if he can two MOAR I DEMAND IT 3 im first and four hes most likely going to try to run away or get answers from them all
If I saw that, I would shoot my M249 like fuck.
And this fic was written by a cod fanboy.
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my pistol was a .50 cal. DE and I have asked my command. If I could bring it to war. They said by all mean but if you lose it. its on you
so he was turned into a pony ehhh ill still read it
say she is going to love and tolerate.try to kill a new comer in the land
1234567
That actually makes sense.
At first i thought Fluttershy was killed, until I kept reading. You scared me there
. Great storyline by the way
, now for a helpful tip: Make sure to proof read, spell check and proof read again. Can't wait to read more!
Hmmm, solar rays (that could concevably kill anyone in medieval armor) vs. ceramic armor, and the target being alive after 1 hit per plate? Ok, plauseable.
I suspect the ceramic/kevelar US troops wear today might be the only thing that can shrug off lasers or plasma within reason. Field testing of this might be difficult without energy weapons in common use at this time, tho.
While our intreped marine will still be in a world of hurt for harming the Royal Sisters, even in self defense. I think the transformation will be a good mitigating defense an possibly requiring a quest to prove himself worthy.
Kudos for grasping the nature of what the Elements of Harmony do. They take the best path toward re-establishing harmony and put a fitting twist on their targets. Discord treats all other creatures as objects for his pleasure; he became a stone object. Nightmare Moon wanted eternal night, she got it on the moon which is always in eternal night. There is a *gasp* human threatening harmony by his existance? *poof* what human? problem solved!
This should really shine once you find a reliable editing brony.
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I would never kill one of the 6 in any story unless it was the whole story.
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thank you noticing that.
I got the idea from my 2nd run though of both seasons.
my editor is good but is getting busy with his college now so I got to be nice and wait.
The grammar...
...It burns.
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if you want to help me with my grammar PM me and i will let you have a shot at editing
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YES.
I dont know if its me, but i'm senseing something between Smith and Luna. I DONT KNOW I AM CONFUSED!
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she has plans
1327067 she has plans? well thats a little vague. I was thinking more along the lines of romance? idk
Perhaps romantic plans?
*wink wink nudge nudge*
secret butt fun plans lol
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never thought of a romance that could make it a bit spicy. hmmmm?
LOL!!
It should say looking down on the last line it implies hes bigger than her and please tell me how to do the box thing that says text
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i don't have a clue on how to do the box text
What if...... THE FUCKING US ARMY KILLED ALL OF THE PONIES.
MWAHAHAHA
1345516 Then the U.S Marines would come and kick the U.S Army's ass!
1361735
nice
this story is kick ass!
1361735
YEAH!
Also, Buddy, 'Gather the Dragon Balls. We're DONE SHE IS THE ONE!'