• Member Since 2nd Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen August 12th

OneLonelyPickle


Sometimes I write stories.

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Comments ( 6 )

I'm confused, what's happening

10262569
Moving day for Happy Pants!

It took me a moment—up until the end, specifically—but wow. This is great. I love and hate that it ends right there; it's dreadfully perfect timing.

Very well done.

I, hmm. I’ll echo what Excalibur said, the ending left me mostly confused. Please do correct me if I’m missing something—I get the impression that something bad is happening or that something’s not right, but it feels like there’s not much in the way of specifics. The emphasis on whiteness and the narrator’s apparent mental instability made me think of some kind of asylum, but I’m not certain that’s what was intended.

I’m actually impressed how well the story worked with those minimal suggestions, but I have to say the ending came as a letdown.

The prose could have been tightened up in a few places, too. Mainly with regards to eliminating redundancies. There’re things like this:

I'm practically glowing with an energy that's tangible, pleasant, and passionate.

Where you have two descriptors (“practically glowing,” “tangible”) that both convey very similar ideas, that a normally immaterial thing is almost material.

A similar thing happened here:

This friend of mine is like the leader of the community, you could say.

Where “like” and “you could say” both suggest that the friend’s leadership status isn’t entirely formal.

So, yeah, overall mixed feelings. But it kept me entertained, so have an upvote.

10262706
I appreciate that it worked for at least one person! Thank you!

10262711
Thank you for the review. My goal was to give just the right amount of information so that it was apparent Happy Pants was in an asylum or something similar, but not so much that it was on the nose and in your face. Clearly for at least you and one other, I missed the mark a bit. At least you were able to deduce that it was probably an asylum and most importantly you were entertained :pinkiehappy:

Yeah that first sentence you quoted was always iffy to me. The first time I wrote it it flowed better but had redundancies. I didn't catch in the rewrite that it did as well. I should have worked on it a bit more. Good advice!

I see your point about the second sentence as well. Considering I didn't put too much time or effort into polishing this very short story, I am happy with how it turned out.

Cheers!

I’m so confused.

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