Nightlight And Twilight Velvet have always tried to do right by others. So, when they found an orphaned colt had been left at their door, they knew right away to take him in out of the cold. How could they ever know what dangers that shadowy night would hold? After being adopted by them, Night Shadow is given all the love and care a colt of his age would need, even managing to get into Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, the same school that his elder sister Twilight Sparkle attended. Then one day, he's given the chance to live with his sister again in her new home in Ponyville, witnessing first hand all the different adventures she and her friends go on. What is in store for this stallion, and how will he react to all the dangers that now await him?
Rewrite has been started: The Mage's Brother: Redux
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/537172/the-mages-brother-redux
It's "thou", not "though". And if you're looking for archaic subject-verb agreement, 2nd-person verbs tend to end in -est, and 3rd-person conjugates with -eth. So it would be "thou lovest".
Ending quotation mark.
The word "stuff" seems overly casual for the Princess of the Realm. Might want a different choice of words.
Depending on where this story goes, I have some measured excitement. I like your writing style, and it's a refreshing choice to have a human transplant not retain their memories of Earth. I also appreciate that you used Clow Reed's magic circle, though my question going forward will be exactly what role magic circles will play, whether it simply displays as a show of power or whether different circles factor into the magic system somehow. Too early to tell.
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Thanks for catching that stuff and helping me out. And I have an idea where shadow mages need to incorporate magic circles into most of their spells
This definitely has a lot of potential. Consider this story liked and followed.
I'm really enjoying the story
Very interesting, but sense the guy has already long sense adapted in being a human and doesn't seem to have any bearing to his present life or plot I would say his human past could be cut right out and wouldn't change a thing, at the moment, so I wonder when that will ever come into play especially sense he seems to, pardon my pun, shadowing Twilight in Ponyville. I think it might have been more interesting if the story started out before and during Twilight studies at CSfGU where were could have seen him grow along with Twilight and shining and learn to become part of the family of the Sparkle's; that could be something to visit later on the story and would show how he had to adapt to this new world, along with learning more of his past. I think the idea that Luna could have him as a student interesting but being sent along with his 'sister' just when he was about to start his studies sounds like it is going against that idea, and I would expect him to go against it seeing that is what where he want to go so I wonder how would that play an importance for him in the story?
For the writing itself, for a beginner I think you are on a very good start, the descriptions are good but rather bland in the way you say them, it could use a little more style in describing characters as so express more of an opinions/emotion on the narrators to keep it interesting like: 'his dorky but lovable lavender sister Twilight, always ready him for a problem to solve or to help and tutor or how to alphabetize his comic books' it reflect the feeling of his sibling relationship with her.
Also if you are interested in getting a cover art for your story I am open for commissions, you can MP if that ever interest you. If you want to look as some of my work, the link to my DA is down bellow.
https://www.deviantart.com/amalgamzaku
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Thank you for the feedback. I do have some ideas for future chapters that I've gotten layed down, plus Princess Celestia is concerned about letting him become a shadow mage, referencing what happened to a previous one, so, it would take some convincing for Luna to actually teach him.
I will be doing some flashback scenes to show what it was like for him growing up with the Sparkles. As of right now, my idea was for him to know about being a human, but slowly regain some of those memories, which could cause some issues later down the line.
Also, I spent the majority if writing this at about 3-6 AM, plus, descriptions are something I struggle with on a daily basis as I can't get a little too descriptive if I let myself.
Still, thank you for the feedback, and I hope you enjoy the story
I'm surprised that Night has never met Spike before. Has Night not had any contact with Twilight since the day she became Celestia's student?
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Well, my idea was that she would visit him from time to time whenever Spike was cleaning up her dorm, or, out doing is own thing
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That makes sense. However, it still seems odd that she never talked about Spike during those visits.
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They were both studying magic at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. I think Twilight would've been more focused on helping her little brother succeed and talking about the different magic she's learning. Also, she was the only student with an assistant, I don't think she would want to make him jealous
Interesting chapter, so Night is closer to Twilight's age or Star Tracker so he counts as more of an adult/teenager. So seeing that Twilight just told him that they all got their cutie mark at the same even means that this takes place much later in the first season, so he missed a lot of the early events of the series I take?
I think your writing was pretty much on the mark this time around the description of the other Mane six was spot on and you incorporated it pretty naturally for the most part, in both appearance and character good job on that. You still have room to improve, but at this point it would just be nitpicking for nothing, and it will flow even more naturally soon enough.
Keep up the good work.
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Thank you, I'm glad you're enjoying the story. Every time I write I take the time to try and improve my writing style, so, I'm glad to see it's paying off
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No problem, good luck on your next chapter
Cannon, not canon. Pinkie's "Party Canon" specifies the use of a Party Cannon.
And I'm surprised Rainbow walked toward Night to meet him. Y'know, as opposed to flapped, or dashed.
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I mean, the first few chapters are taking place during earlier seasons, plus, knowing Twilight, she would've had them waiting with her for a good while before he finally arrived, so, in my mind, Rainbow had gotten tired of flying while waiting and decided to stay on the ground for the most part.
Why isn't there a crossover tag?
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Because it's not a crossover. Night Shadow is my own OC
A good story so far.
Well, it's nice to see en update, now lets see what happen next.
YESSS! I've been waiting for this!
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I'm glad you haven't given up on this story and that you're still enjoying it.
"I NEED IT!"
i love it
Nice to see an update and I do like the cover art too, keep it up.
update?
Update?
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Working on an update now. Got a new job so I haven't had much time to write
I like how this story is going, but I hope it is updated soon.
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It will be. I finally managed to get back into writing after life threw me for a loop, so, I'll be updating all 3 of my fanfics in the near future
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Glad to hear your doing better. That is what counts first. Second is a working computer and good internet access. I sadly am lacking in the second. I will be happy to read the updates when I can.