• Member Since 17th Apr, 2017
  • offline last seen Yesterday

NinjaMare


hey there to anyone who comes to visit my home page, or reads my stories. Welcome! now heads up, i mostly write HiE fanfics, as most just don't scratch that particular itch for me.

Sequels1

Comments ( 22 )

Lovely story ^^

I like this story :twilightblush:

10251581
Glad you like it:twilightsmile:

...and finally a small shall around her withers.

Minor nitpick. She was wearing a shawl. Shall is a "will do". Otherwise, this is a nice bit of fluff. It might be intersting to see you do a whole story about their relationship from the start.

This is adorable. You did a great job for your first attempt.

10251909
thanks. this is the third clop i made. i usually get carried away when i write stories, so writing a single chapter fic, was difficult for me not to try and turn it into a series, before loosing interest around chapter 8 or 9.

As humans can't make ponies pregnant, condoms are not needed. :) Which makes the sex for the male much more fun.

10252001
if you continue to read any of my stories, NONE of my humans can impregnate a mare. i mean its a nice concept, but i just don't buy into it, like i don't buy how human males can get turned on by a equine mare's heat smell. have you actually smell a horse in heat? personally speaking....its pretty much like a stronger sweaty musk. also: can a guy actually get turned on by the smell of ANY animal in heat?

out curiosity, how many of you want to see a short series on how these two make their relationship continue, while this whole diplomatic thing in this version of Earth goes on.

a pretty good short story.
this story line with a few changes would fit in to the five score series ..

10272663
never read the five scores, can you leave a link so i can check it out?

10272682
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/198447/five-score-multiplied-by-more

i recommend the story that slicer jen is working on right now civil patrol this is his first five score story and he is doing a amazing job with it.

10255520

I'd like to read more of this pair.

Might I suggest a little less exposition dump and more story though?

10273457
i'm actually drafting something for a continuation of this story, and don't worry, the affairs of the government between Earth & Equestria will be sprinkled out.

10274335
Excellent! I can't wait to read it when it's finished.

This text needs a lot of work.

It starts out with a relaitvely big 'tell, don't show' section. Sometimes, 'telling' is needed. But using it to set up pretty much everything in your story, including both main characters and their relationship is a bad idea. It makes them a lot more dull and distant. A reader could connect to them more if he could read as something played out. For example: Zack tells Misty that they are moving out because of the fight he had with his parents. Or Misty trying to flirt with him and failing miserably.

Also, lots of clunky sentences and repetitions. It's okay if your first draft is like this: it's almost always is for any writer. You just have to do the editing. Read it again and add some polish.

The fireplace was lit

little bat pony is

Her coat was

There are multiple jumps between tenses in this story. This is why editing is important.

a pair of short shorts

:rainbowlaugh:

the government did come

Why is this a thing? The goverment plays no part in this story. You mention the fact that it exists and might cause trouble and then immediately handwave it away.

the two have been called upon the government to act as ambassadors for both worlds

Yeah, let's use someone with no training and experience. It's not like it's the the most important assignement an ambassador can have. Zack would probably be tasked with writing reports about his conversations and would be instructed what to tell and what not to tell by the intelligence service.

Again: this is a story which can be summed up as: "human loves pony, pony loves human, they make love". It's okay not to answer the questions about politics. And if you are not going to explore the theme - don't bring it up! Another obvious way to deal with this is to start the story in the world where humans and ponies already coexist and see each other as something more or less normal.

Even back in Equestria there were very few stallions, or even mare’s, that found Misty pretty or even beautiful.

Very clunky sentence with lots of repetitions and wrong spelling of 'mares'. Also, this 'justification' of a romance actually makes it more fragile. This tells us that it's more about Misty being desperate rather than valuing her bond with a human. I'm not against the idea, it's just something to keep in mind if you're going to write a sequel or another story involving romance.

pony is around 4’2ft tall

That's very precise, but, oddly enough, not very helpful. Is it to the top of her head or to her withers?

has a slim, yet moderate build

Adding more adjectives isn't always a good thing. I'm not sure what to make of 'slim, yet moderate'.

Misty & Zaq

It's not really okay to use '&' instead of 'and' every time.

how many of you want to see a short series on how these two make their relationship continue, while this whole diplomatic thing in this version of Earth goes on

That would be lovely.

cute and lovely story! nice work!:twilightsmile:

This is a really cute story :twilightsmile:. Also, I found the pic on Derpibooru (id:1608449).

Again thanks for this awesome story and I’ll look into the sequel :pinkiesmile:.

10341552
thanks for compliment. i'm not sure if i'll actually finish the squeal.

10341733
Your welcome :pinkiehappy:.

Awww, that sucks :fluttercry:. Well it’s your story so it’s up to you :twilightsmile:.

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