• Member Since 19th Mar, 2017
  • offline last seen March 18th

ales_horses

g3 good // my ao3 is cplcrimp

ales_horses Joined 19th Mar, 2017 · Offline

Sequels1

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Comments ( 6 )
The Bricklayer
The Bricklayer #1 · May 27th, 2020 · · ·
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This is... actually pretty good. Not a G3 fan, but this is fun. Adorable even.

Ludwig Van Beethoven
Ludwig Van Beethoven #2 · May 27th, 2020 · · ·
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This is a very cute story that you have composed here! It is always nice seeing G3 getting some love. While reading, I noticed some things that you might want to take a look at -- would you be interested if I provided you with some technical feedback on this?

Ludwig Van Beethoven
Ludwig Van Beethoven #4 · May 27th, 2020 · · ·
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10256021
After a second reading, these are the observations and suggestions that I have come up with:

Exposition: Right now, there is a large amount of background information presented at the very beginning of the piece. While it is good that you are ensuring that all details are accounted for, you might want to consider whether all of this is necessary for the reader to understand the overall plot. You might also want to consider starting the story on the day that Sweetie Belle is going to her new school and remove all of the exposition about her and her parents walking to the town. You can integrate all of the information presented in that prologue into the scenes ahead.

Sensory Details: As it is, there is not very much in the way of sensory details. You include some details about the way that the weather felt and about the physical attributes of the other characters, which is good. But you might want to also include some additional details about the physical locations. This school seems to be in a vacuum, since you do not provide an information on where in the town it is and what the area around it looked like.

Furthermore, you might want to include some details about the inside of the school as well. Since most of your story takes place in the school, the reader needs to know what the inside of the place looks like. For instance, you might wish to describe the colors of the floor and the walls, the scale of the building, and any other sensory details which may stick out in such a place.

Characterization: There is some characterization present in Sweetie Belle, and to a lesser extent Flitter Flutter as well, but none of your other characters have any defining traits. Obviously, this is only a short story, so the entirety of their characters will not be on display. But you might want to depict at least a couple of key traits in your important secondary characters. Some kind of behavioral tick, a habit, and manner of speaking, or something along that line, will be enough development for this first chapter. With this, you will have an interesting cast of characters to work from and allow the reader to more firmly understand and connect with the characters.

Action: Right now, you might notice that you have the narration describe what the characters are feeling instead of letting the characters’ actions show how they are feeling. Instead of telling the reader that Sweetie Belle does not like her new home, show the reader this through Sweetie Belle’s actions. The same applies to how you describe at one point that she is “nervous.” Here, you might want to show Sweetie Belle shaking or breathing heavily in order to demonstrate that she is nervous. There are plenty of other opportunities to do this as well.

Do let me know if you find this helpful.

ales_horses
ales_horses #5 · May 28th, 2020 · · ·
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10256064
this is all v good info, tyvm!! i'll try my best to keep this all in mind when i start work on this story's sort of sequel and my other work :>

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