It’s ok

Yeah, sometime grammar suck...
Btw thanks for the chapter

The other difference was that were my horns were short and pointy his were massive and twisted backwards and slightly fowards at the end.

Oh... hi Grogar

"Apparently whatever that foreign energy was it was meant to protect you against the cleansing process but my interferance caused it to destabilize resulting in the lose of most of your memories." I frowned in confusion.

Interesting, so something was supposed to protect our, for now unnamed protagonist's, memories during his reincarnation

10254970
Major.

So awesome

If you want to improve your story from here on, I have a few tips listed below in convenient list format.

• When two or more characters talk, their dialogue should be separated into different paragraphs.
• When a character begins to speak, the first word the say needs to be capitalized.
• When a character yells, you should use an exclamation point (!).
• Paragraphs should be multiple sentences long, not one big, run-on sentence.
• Questions need to be punctuated with question marks (?).
• When switching between first person and third person, you don't need to tell us explicitly. A simple page transition will do.
• When writing in third person, you shouldn't call anyone the protagonist. Show us who the characters are, don't tell us.
• That backstory with Grogar was too long. Maybe find a way to trim the fat? Readers can make inferences, so it's okay to occasionally omit details irrelevant to the story. "Brevity is the soul of wit".

If all of that is too much for you to handle, get an editor. Otherwise, I like the premise of your story, and I'll continue to follow it.

10254944
if there was ment to be some protection on them then it is unlikly that they could be erased properly just like grognar if i had to guess they are up in greems mind just obscured for now

Nice to get all that explaining at of the way. I think Greema should be honest with the crystal ponies about who he is and were he came from. Quick idea maybe the reason Greema's new body is kinda feminine is because Grogar had to rush when making the body. And ended up making it a hermaphrodite. Or the body ended up with a hormone imbalance. If either of those or something like them is the case maybe Greema could end up being something similar to Vivec from the Elder Scrolls series. Also I think it would be funny for someone to mistake Greema for female.

10255047
I don't think that the backstory was too long, but it is mostly because i've read longer backstories and stuff. That was on the shorter side of what all i've read so far

10255047
Thanks, i'll try to work on what you pointed out.
And about the backstory I had originally planned to continue even after Grogar finished but in the end decided to pace myself a little and continue next chapter.

... Well, technically Grogar didn't make an appearance. Just a hallucination of Grogar did.

10255148
gusty i think killed grognar (sorry bad with names) so it might be that some of gustys magic left over that mixed with grognars to make goat boi the way he is. also if that is the case then maby that makes gusty his mother tecnicly so that could be intresting

the story is about a goat.

my brain:i.ebayimg.com/images/g/JR8AAOSwjMtb7SSg/s-l300.jpg

Well you did address all all the questions into one convenient package, which helps to establish how he was able to so casually get to the crystal Empire be so OP with Sombra. I would have been nice to keep around some mystery about Grogar, but I think the issues really needed seeing that there wasn't any adjustment periods for hos body. There could still be some mystery left about himself that could be explored later on like, did Grogar ever have to make packs with demons or explain the sours of his power or where he came from originally, and does this affect Greema's situation in anyway. I wonder if the Crystal Heart affected his body or powers in anyway or if the mixing of the magice affected the Crystal Heart the Emire or it's inhabitant in anyway? So Greema has a unfinished copy of Grogar's body, I wonder if he will still grow into it or if he will stay that way from now on, and was was the full extent of Grogar's power when he was in his prime. I wonder if the soul reincarnation will come into play again in the story?

I also wonder if Greema is going to have the chance to see other goats of his kind in his travels like we see those that followed Ironwill around? Or maybe the sheep's instead.

images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/43d5b01e-1e6e-4d29-a19a-31159c399b7c/d4rprbu-eb286fbe-c177-410a-b7ca-edbc5514ce30.png?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOiIsImlzcyI6InVybjphcHA6Iiwib2JqIjpbW3sicGF0aCI6IlwvZlwvNDNkNWIwMWUtMWU2ZS00ZDI5LWExOWEtMzExNTljMzk5YjdjXC9kNHJwcmJ1LWViMjg2ZmJlLWMxNzctNDEwYS1iN2NhLWVkYmM1NTE0Y2UzMC5wbmcifV1dLCJhdWQiOlsidXJuOnNlcnZpY2U6ZmlsZS5kb3dubG9hZCJdfQ.gbdtUAiL_KlrosvzQw203rMFkLLckRZq0iqhkxUAXoM

For the writing itself, it could have used more comas in some sentences, as there really became long winded at times, and the tone of the dialogue was somewhat bland in tone but you are still new to this and you did had a lot of grounds to cover, so it really was unavoidable. I could suggest that you had more description in the tone the dialogue is said like before or after a sentence to start with: muttered out, I giggled out, he said annoyed, he smiled hopping to get something out of it.

Good job on the chapter, keep it up

10255530
Again I recognize that i'm not going to become an expert writer overnight so I appreciate people pointing out things I should work on, so thanks.
As for Greema he won't really grow much besides maybe gaining an inch here and there, and he is less of a goat and more of a goat shaped monster/creature, the reason he looks like that is because Grogar had to make a rush job but didn't want to look too different from his original body.

10255599
a goat shaped monster will still shair some similaritys to a noraml goat of the world maby wont be an exact match but since he is like a goat monster hybreed made by graonar it is likly that he will at least be similer to him physicly for a bit but as you have said with him bonding to the heart it is likly to change him maby not physicly at first but if you wantid you could make him have a change similer to twlights change from normal alicorn to older alicorn at the end of the show. you could have some intresting things happen with the monster part of him and his confermed grognar magic with him gaining fetures or even learning how to shapeshift or augment himself after all grognar for all he did i dont think he ever stopped being a goat so it limitid him but our goat boi here was tecnicly made by magic so he could do some intresting things like being able to cover his body with a magic drain field or add on muscal mass and the likes. basicly what im saying is goat boi has alot he could possibly do due to the way he was reborn

Good story overall and I'm glad that you didn't keep Grogar as a second soul in the body. Which is annoy btw

Wow keep it up!

There’s a new ‘kid’ in town XD

(Baby goats are named ‘kids’ btw)

10255189
or the backstory isn't there at all

Another awesome chapter with a great twist in the now named Greema being bonded to the transformed Crystal Heart, which is now the Crystal Bell, or Crystal Heart Bell.

I really loved the revelation and apparent face to face meeting with the true Grogar, as we witness the old evil's final moments and explain how Greema came to be. Hmm so does this mean in a way Greema could be considered not just Grogar's "son" but his reincarnation?

Also off topic for a bit always was a bit disappointed in the direction MLP took with Grogar, and I don't just mean the whole it was Discord all along revelation. As there was so much potential to have Grogar as a true ultimate evil and perfect final villain ,but it just went to waste.

Which is why I prefer the fanon Grogar the real terrifying evil you find in many stories or mentioned in stories like Skeletor Master of the Empire. As well as other things.

Anyway getting back to topic quite eager to see what will happen to Greema now, and how he'll react to now being the Crystal Empire's new ruler. Not to mention what kinda of ruler he will be, and what kinda of path he will take as the story proceed. Whether living up to Grogar's legacy and than some, or defying it, or something else.

After all we still know little about what kinda of character our protagonist the newly named Greema is like. As for all we know he'll be a beloved ruler to the Crystal Empire and it's citizens, while at the same time playing the part of a antagonist for MLP pony. Sort of a Dr. Doom with Latervia or Magneto with Genosha type situation. Beloved by his people but feared by those outside of his kingdom.

Which reminds me really eager to see what will happen when the Equestrian's enter the picture as well. Also will confess to hoping that things don't smoothly and we see some drama and potential clashing. Whether just game of thrones style clashing or magical battles if not war on the latter.

While Grogar's legend and the fear he held has likely deteriorated with time, becoming nothing more than a children's tale like seen the show. Their are likely a number of characters still around well aware of Grogar's true legend and evil, such as Chrysalis, Tirek, Discord, and of course the Royal Pony sisters. Oh and I suppose the Pillars and Stygian if you want to count them while their in limbo.

So quite looking forward to the reactions there like from Luna and Celestia when they learn not just Sombra's fate, but that he was dethrone by what appears to be a son or descendant of Grogar. Though considering the world they live in reincarnation could be one theory one of them throws on the table.

10255641
To be honest originally I wasn't going to implement Grogar but a couple of comments put the idea in my head and then this chapter just kind of wrote itself. I also noticed that there were comments about the pacing of the first chapter so I hope this one is better.
I'm also going to make some consequences happen from the wedding, after all you don't smash creatures with a high speed wall of solid magic and expect them to just get flung away.

10255688
Personally glad you put Grogar in made for a wonderful touch, plus got a explanation of how this situation came about in the first place.

Also love the idea of the wedding having consequences it's a great realistic approach to things. Really do like the idea of the MLP world being the magical world it is in canon, but at the same time being shall we say a bit more realistic and darker. Kinda of like how in the MLP movie the girls learned that some lands outside of Equestria aren't so friendly to say the least.

Oh also noticed that you changed one of the characters tags from Fluttershy to Chrysalis. So guessing the changeling queen will have a major role in things.

10255697
Yeah, the reason I changed the tag is mainly because the previously mentioned magic wall pushed chrysalis and the changelings pretty far.

Also after the wedding Cadance and some other ponies will not feel very heroic after they start getting reports from all over Equestria about corpses of insect like creatures splatting all over the place, thats not counting all the changelings that were inside buildings or that were pushed against the mountain.

10255697
I'm also going for the Queen who doesn't want her people to starve route with Chrysaliss instead of the power hungry conquer everything one.

I like it so far keep going

10255728
LOVE ALL THIS! Not just for your plans for how your going to write Chrysalis, but also how Candace and others are going to feel in the aftermath of the wedding. It's clear that things aren't going to be so black and white and clear cut between good and evil, like it was in canon, and I love it.

This is an awesome story idea. I can't wait you see where you take it!

10255728
since this is 2 months before the wedding as you said before you do have quite a bit of time to put the world together and maby change pov's to others to show how his actions are effecting the world. you could also have cosmic irony of chrisalis and a few of her changlings getting flung close the the empire the getting them allyed to goat boi that way. remember that if you are going for the loving queen with no choice after trying to get help but was refused then the invasion was desporation and possible a hunger induced suicide run in which case knowing some of her hive died horribly and being ejectid from the castel would proberbly either make her give up in which you could have greem help her out and give her and her chaglings in what is basicly their ideal home, or you could go the route that she gathers up any of her hive left alive and just travels in the hopes of finding help and stumbles across the empire.

any way you go your story is great and i cant help but speculate especialy after you talked about nice changling queen because i love that itteration best

ps if greem is now emperer of the empire are you planning on his royal wear of crown and cloak things or you going to stick to just the bell and maby polishing up his current cloak to look regal like

I've feel that things have gotten off to a lighting pace here. Honestly it feels kinda off, like you didn't want to bother with that whole "getting the protagonist into position" as he almost gets bodily thrown into the Crystal Empire before just getting tossed into Kingship.

Like, a bit of anti-climax is fine, like Sombra getting dunked on by a surprise right hook from nowhere. That sort of shenanigans is fine, especially to somebody who clearly deserves it. But at least some suspicion from the crystal ponies should be warranted. They were after all, just enslaved a few minutes ago. Making this random assassin dude king is just a little sus. Rewarded? yes. Granted leadership? maybe consider somebody you actually know first.

And on a side note, it's like Greema moves a million mile-per-hour between set pieces. Like for real, I'm pretty sure the first chapter goes, "Spawned in the middle of nowhere => Spots a mountain in the distance => Starts Walking => Closes his eyes for a second => Hits mountain." I mean, I don't need a page of text telling me that "Walking in the middle of nowhere is boring, yo!" but some sort of transition that doesn't feel like an invisible hand just picked him up and set him right next to the mountain when he wasn't looking would be nice. Add in the "5-minute mountain climb" and I'd would think he'd notice his apparent super speed.

10255728
you could have it that she starved for so long so her hive could feed that shinings love preety much got her drunk also are you planning on explaing chrissys backstory

10255719
Clearly the real reason You replaced the Fluttershy Tag specifically, because in this AU, Fluttershy was Queen Crystalsis all along, and Greemer dicking around with the Crystal Heart caused her to drop her transformation due to "Magic Wave Bullshit".

10255796
Yeah sorry about the pacing, i'm working on it for the next chapters.

This is really good

Oooh, I'm liking this alot so far! I do kinda wonder where this takes place on the timeline but I also prefer finding out as the story progresses.
Thanks a bunch and I cant wait to read some more!

10255866
Right now it's around a month before the wedding give or take a few days.

10255794
He will have a crown, and his cloak will mainly get some work done here and there.

Sorry about the nitpicking, but names like 'Gusty the Great' and 'Bewitching Bell' are written with capital letters and it realy helps with decyphering what is important in a sentence.

And of course: "Show, don't tell" Ergo when you want someone saying something that isn't about to be narrated over, simply let him say it. It realy get's noticable in this whole 'my super evil plan is this if you stop interrupting me'

Keep up the good work! We all realy care about your story and are interested in seeing in continue and improve. Some favour the on, others the other but we enjoy it!

10255924
Yeah sorry about that, I did a lot of sudden changes in pov there.
I'm working on it so that it doesn't happen in the following chapters.

Interesting story so far.

If you're writing this on your phone and you're having trouble with grammar, why not download the Grammarly app.

10256048
The what.

10256059
I'm not sure if it's on the iPhone but if you have an Android, you can just search for it on the AppStore. It's a super convenient writing tool that corrects spelling, grammar, sentence structure, and a bunch of other things.

i just had a thought. with greema being a monster made by grognar in his image does that make him only about 50% goat and 50% monster or if he had to fill out a form as accurate as possible would he have to put "goat?" as he inst sure he can tecnicly be fully classifyed as a goat. might be a cool chapter to do before the weding where after getting the empire semi orginised greema and a few of his ponies get together to help him figure himself and his magic out

Feels a trifle unnatural as Grogar doesn’t seem to have a reason to explain everything to him, but interesting premise. I look forward to what comes next.

The Presentation says greema is feminine, so is he a he? but looks female? or is he/she female now or male? did he/she was male of female before? its too confusing, you should set it straight.

10256116
Greema is male.
By feminine I mean that he just looks female.

10256113
Yes, he doesn't have to explain anything to Greema but he also doesn't have a reason not to tell him, after all, his plans just went down the shitter one after the other and he is about to cease existing so why not.
Also because PLOT.

10256141
if thats not a set up for a some funny situation later on i dont know what is

Ok ok, nice